^  ^ 


THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 

OF  CALIFORNIA 

LOS  ANGELES 


A  Bundle  of  Sunshine 

An 
Avalanche  of  Mirth 


TRUTHFUL  REMINISCENCES   OF  A  PERE- 

GRINATOR,  WHOSE  LIFE  HAS  BEEN 

ONE    OF    CALAMITIES,  HARD 

LUCK,  ACCIDENTS  AND 

FUN 


PRESS  WOODRUFF 

THE   ARKANSAW    HUMORIST 


O^tjer  100  i^umorouj^  -Jllujeftrationsf 

By  Walter  A.  Sinclair 
AND  Photographs  taken  from  Life 


CHICAGO 
JOHN  E.  HOHAM  &  COMPANY 


PUBLISHERS 


^!}/j 


COP'i'RIGHT,   I90I, 

John  E.  Hoham  &  Company, 
Chicago. 


Dedication. 


To  those  who  are  sore  on  themselves  and 

everyone  else,  and  to  those  who  are 

looking  for  a  panacea,  this  sadness 

remover  and  grief  eraser  is 

respectfully  dedicated. 


^ 


1572965 


Digitized  by  the  Internet  Arciiive 

in  2008  witii  funding  from 

IVIicrosoft  Corporation 


littp://www.arcliive.org/details/bundleofsunsliineOOwood 


INTRODUCTORY. 

My  Dear  Woodruff: 

If  the  Bundle  of  Sunshine  for  which  you  have  asked 
me  to  write  an  introduction  is  the  same  jolly  old  pack- 
age you  have  been  tapping  for  so  many  years,  then 
indeed  will  your  readers  be  well  repaid  for  the  hours 
they  spend  with  you.  A  Bundle  of  Sunshine  ?  A  barrel 
of  smiles,  hearty  laughs,  healthful  humor  and  masterly 
character  delineations— a  barrel  of  wit  that  is  clean,  and 
of  mirth  that  is  innocent— a  barrel  of  oil  for  the  troubled 
waters  of  life— a  barrel  of  healing  balm  for  wounded 
souls— a  barrel  of  cement  for  cracking  hearts. 

Peaceful  be  the  passing  of  those  Princes  of  Bohemia 
who,  looking  back  upon  the  measure  of  their  days  can 
truthfully  say:  "I,  even  I,  have  brought  happiness  to 
my  fellow  man."  More  of  human  life  has  poured  out 
through  the  floodgates  of  human  tears  than  through  the 
veins  of  those  who  have  bled  on  glorious  battle  fields. 
Great  warriors  have  made  torrents  of  both  blood  and 
tears  to  flow,  yet  have  we  honored  them.  Shall  we 
not  honor  him  who  dries  our  tears,  who  warms  our  hearts 
with  happiness  and  illumines  our  skies  with  smiles— 
him  who  blots  the  great  star,  Wormwood,  out  of  the 
firmament  of  our  souls? 

The  sum  total  of  hours  of  happiness  that  you  have 
bestowed  upon  your  fellow  man,  often  without  money 
and  without  price,  should  leave  a  large  margin  to  your 
credit  in  the  big  ledger  "way  up  yonder."  And  may 
the  record  of  your  faults  be  writ  in  water,  is  the  prayer 
of  Your  friend,  G.  Frank  Lydston. 


CONTENTS. 


PAGE. 

Temerity i? 

The  Old  Home 22 

Trifling  with  Music 31 

The  Weekly  Peavine 36 

A  Wise  Horse 41 

The  Hemorrhage  House 42 

Tried  to  Be  a  Cook 46 

The  Razor  Back  Hog 51 

Sitting  Up  with  a  Corpse 53 

Yearned  to  Be  a  Merchant 58 

Pill  Jugglers 61 

Barefoot  Courtship 66 

A  Cedar  of  Lebanon 74 

Home  Sick 80 

A  Colossal  Joke 83 

Bonding  the  County 90 

Mark  Antony 94 

Lacerated  Aspirations 98 

Riding  a  Bull  Calf 102 

First  Appearance 106 

A  Sermon 115 

Lalla  Rookh's  Descendant 122 

Incongruity 142 

Lem  Gridley I49 

Chicago 160 

Lexicon  of  Slang I79 

Leaving  the  Farm 183 

Hercules I93 

If  I  Had  a  Million 207 

On  the  Battle  Field 213 

Roosters 227 

Answering  Correspondence 232 

Gone  Under  a  Cloud 246 

Signs  of  the  Moon 251 

My  Third  Reader 267 

Spellbinding " 274 

A  Trip  to  Goose  Creek 285 

Cupid  and  Psyche 298 

A  Professional  Weeper 318 

He  Saved  My  Life 225 

A  Successful  Failure 331 


LIST  OF  ILLUSTRATIONS. 


PAGE. 

All  I  could  do  was  to  wiggle  and  watch  that  calf  get  busy  with  my 

pants 1  ■      ■      ■      f     ^^ 

"An'  the  same  train  hit  Bill  Evans'  bay  steer  in  the  hind  quarters  of 

his  system  an'  knocked  'im  clean  into  White  river"  ...  93 
An  owl  came  to  my  window  one  night  and  hooted  three  times  .  .  .  245 
A  kind  and  gentle  zephyr  lifted  her  quietly  into  the  air  and  took  her 

away  to  a  dale  of  flowers •      ■    30S 

Before  pa  could  get  me  aboard  the  train  I  had  to  be  bhndfolded  and 

forced  on  backwards .29 

By   some   accident   my   foot   slipped  and   I    fell   into  a   watermelon 

patch ..•.•/••>  "^ 

Consequently  nearly  every  hog  in  the  State  died  for  the  want  ot 

sleep       .       •        •       •       •       •       •       •       •       •       "       '       '        '       .*        *        ' 

"Do  you  see  that  old  man  standing  on  the  corner  with  his  right  leg 

missing?" ^°7 

Eb  could  only  keep  in  sight  of  me  part  of  the  tnne 203 

"For  Casey's  sake,  I  am  beholding  to  you" 95 

For  two  days  and  nights  we  drifted  without  food  or  water  .  .  .241 
For  a  few  minutes  there  was  a  rough  stage  .  .  .  •  •  :  .  *  '  339 
"Gosh  blamed  if  that  wa'n't  the  funniest  thing  I  ever  heard  in  my 

life" •      ••  u-     1-j    ■      •      ■  ^' 

Gentlemen,  you  can  not  place  silver  on  a  parity  with  gold  no  more 

than  you  can  lift  the  latch  of  Eden's  gate     .      .      .      ...  281 

"He  had  a  pedigree  as  long  as  a  fence  rail,  an'  fetlocks  ten  inches 

long" 92 

He  went  away  without  leaving  his  address o3 

"He  swore  he  would  overtake  Moses" •      •  7« 

He  let  out  a  sickening  bawl  and  went  into  the  air  about  seven  teet  .  104 
He  said  most  of  the  subscribers  had  stopped  their  paper   .      .      .      .120 

He  started  to  work  ploughing  and  putting  in  spring  wheat  .  .  .  14& 
He  should  have  a  home-made  pool  table  in  his  woodshed  for  rainy 

days ^^^ 

He  used  up  peach  tree  sprouts  right  and  left  .  .  .  •  •  •  ■  ^oo 
He  just  took  the  snakes  by  their  throats— one  in  each  hand— and 

choked  them  to  death  .  .  .  •••,.•  •  /  '  ,  •.,  ^1  '^^ 
He  then  resorted  to  his  favorite  sport— the  choking  act— and  that 

settled  it                ^^^ 

He  did  not  want  Hercules  to  see  the  tracks  of  the  cattle  and  he 

dragged  them  into  his  cave  by  their  tails  .  .  .  •  •  -201 
He  gave  his  club  to  a  friend,  stretched  his  tired  body  on  logs  and 

requested  his  friend  to  apply  a  match  .  .  .  •  •  •  •  204 
He  would  make  such  a  fuss  about  it  that  the  hens  thought  perhaps 

he  had  found  a  diamond ^^9 

He  shook  four  aces  and  I  shook  a  pair  of  deuces 243 

9 


10  LIST  OF  ILLUSTRATIOXS. 

TAGE. 

He  always  used  a  large  size  hickory  switch 265 

He    leaned  over  on  the  air  too  far  and  when  he  struck  the  stream  he 

went  down  about  forty  feet 270 

"He  is  a  monster  with  large,  burnt-umber  eyes  and  mattress  hair 

whiskers" 303 

He  then  sent  Mercury  to  bring  Psyche  up  to  the  heavenly  assembly  .    316 

I  concluded  to  set  it  on  the  stove .-47 

I  fell  on  my  knees  and  repeated  the  only  prayer  I  knew  by  heart  .  55 
I  just  went  through  the  window  nearest  to  me  and  broke  for  the 

parsonage 56 

I  asked  Mr.  Jones  if  he  could  use  a  load  of  wood 59 

I  was  washing  bottles  most  of  the  time 62 

I  couldn't  think  of  a  thing  to  talk  about,  neither  could  she  ...  69 
I  was  seized  with  a  fierce  appetite  for  sour  buttermilk  ....  25 
"If  you  don't  want  to  subscribe  for  the  darned  old  paper,  it's  all 

right" 37 

I  wandered  down  Canal  street,  looking  for  a  tavern 43 

"I  am  one  of  the  cedars  of  Lebanon" 76 

I  bowed  low  to  that  great  multitude 85 

I  tried  my  hand  at  story  writing 99 

I  did  not  know  what  he  wanted,  but  I  soon  found  out       .      .      .      .100 

I  came  down  in  the  forks  of  a  peach  tree 105 

I  am  not  joking.     I  mean  business 107 

I  calculated  that  it  would  be  a  $200  house  at  least in 

I  awoke  and  two  men  stood  before  me  in  the  light  of  the  morning 

sun 125 

I  soon  backed  out  myself,  as  it  was  not  my  kind  of  a  rabbit  .  .  .128 
I  came  to  and  found  myself  on  the  other  side  of  the  fence  .  .  .  129 
I  told  pa  he  must  get  up  and  see  what  a  fine  gobbler  I  had     .      .      .130 

I  lighted  somewhere  far  below  the  curve 133 

I  struck  the  drill  very  well  the  first  time,  but  the  second  time  it  was 

not  there 135 

I  did  not  go  down  the  tree  as  I  went  up 137 

I  jumped  high  into  the  air  and  screamed 158 

I  tried  to  console  him  by  singing  a  little  song  filled  with  pathos  and 

sentiment .      169 

It  is  but  a  short  time  until  the  doughnut  symptoms  show  in  his  face  177 
It  had  nine  angry  heads  which  it  tossed  with  fretful  spleen  .  .  .196 
I  would  never  have  a  swelled  head  just  because  I  was  a  king,  then 

my  crown  would  always  fit  me 210 

I  did  not  even  look  the  part  of  self-defense 221 

I  did  not  mind  being  shot  at,  only  they  were  so  careless  and  rough 

about  it 223 

I  had  no  money,  but  the  robbers  took  my  watch  and  then  gave  me  a 

good  sound  kicking  for  being  broke 239 

I  find  that  it  is  wise  to  be  posted  on  the  moon's  action  ....  252 
It  took  a  physician  four  days  to  pick  the  birdshot  out  of  that  young 

man's  system 259 

I  called  at  the  doctor's  office  and  made  a  clean  breast  of  my  troubles  327 
Looking  up,  he  saw  a  red  calf  run  up  a  tree  and  crawl  into  a  hole   .    268 

"My  suffering  is  much  and  my  tortures  are  many." 81 

My  right  foot  slipped  and  I  fell  into  the  hot  soap  up  to  my  waist  .  126 
My  feet  missed  the  limb  and  it  caught  me  under  the  chin     ,      .      .127 

No  one  left  the  jail  while  I  was  talking 19 

Not  less  than   100  nightmares  got  in   there  that  night  to  get  that 

sack  of  oats 44 

"Now  I  want  to  return  that  hundred  dollars  and  add  five  hundred"  .   272 


LIST  OF  ILLUSTRATIONS.  " 

PAGE. 

"One  night  there  was  a  storm,  and  a  thousand  pumpkins  rolled  off 

that  hill  into  Goose  Creek" 297 

She  told  me  to  put  in  some  soda  to  sweeten  the  dough  ....  49 
She  hit  me  on  the  head  with  that  magic  wand  with  much  force  .  .  32 
She  held  my  cold,  clammy  hand  for  thirty  minutes  .  .  .  •  •  140 
"She  is  a  grass  widow,  chuck  full  of  fun,  very  affectionate,  and  \n 

business   for   herself" ;,     '       '      •    '^i 

"She  is  the  finest  looker  that  ever  trotted  in  a  shirt  waist  .  .  ■  i75 
"Say,  strangers!    Don't  yo'  reckon  thet  you're  fishin'  jist  er  leetle 

too  high  up  th'  kreek?"  .  .  .  •  .-,  •  •  •,  . ,;  ,-,  1^°' 
"Singular  as  it  may  seem,  not  one  of  their  chickens  was  killed,  Uut 

they  were  picked  as  clean  as  if  by  human  hands"  .  .  .  .  294 
She  called  her  son  Cupid  into  the  front  room  for  consultation  .  .  300 
She  fell  about  18,000  feet  to  the  bottom  of  a  canon  .  .  .  •  •  310 
The  corpse  was  laid  out  on  a  couple  of  pine  boards  which  rested  on 

saw  horses •      •      '     ■' ,    ■      \    '      '      j  *'      ^"^^ 

The  best  they  could  do  was  to  give  me  a  stick  of  stove  wood  to 

chew  on .•      •      • ^^ 

The  third  time  I  teethed  I  hired  a  dentist  to  assist  me  ....  27 
The  lizard  was  rapidly  journeying  up  my  back  .  .  .  .  •  •  -73 
They  playfully  tossed  up  some  early  garden  stuff  to  me  while  1  was 

on  the  stage ,, ^Jf 

"There  will  be  wood  to  saw  for  the  stoves  .  .  .  •  •  :,  ;,  1  ^'"^ 
There  the  friend  runs   into   twenty-three   members  of  the    i-lottoot 

Club,  of  which  he  is  president  .      .      .      • io5 

The  road  was  good,  the  horses  in  f\ne  trim  and  there  was  no  excuse 

for  slow  time ,.'-,',' r    '     >.V    'i      •    ^'7 

The  coroner's  jury  decided  that  he  came  to  his  death  from  the  lack 

of  air  ^^^ 

The  crew  worked  like  madmen.     Every  one  who  was  able  to  move 

a  hand  gave  heroic  aid  .  .  .  •  •  •  •.  .  •  •  •  .  'r  '  ^^ 
"There  is  where  Aunt  Tina  Sampson  professed  religion  long  before  ^ 

"Take\hVroad  that  will  lead' you  by  Cerberus—the  big  roan  dog 

with  three  heads" •      •      •      ■      •      •      ■   ,  •    ^^- 

When  I  arrived  at  'Tilda's  house,  I  stopped  at  the  gate  and  gave  the     ^^ 
customary  alarm 1     '•      *  4.1  " 

"Weighs    no  pounds  in  summer,  but  fattens  up  some  during  the 

winter" •  „ _•,' 

"What  did  I  understand  you  to  say  your  name  was  ^     ■      ■      •      •      ■    ^'^ 

"You  can't  fool  me  for  a  moment;  that's  no  head;  that  s  a  squash  ; 

"You  must  see^Charon,  who  runs  the' ferry  'across  that  inky-looking 

river" •      •      • ^  "* 

HALF-TONES. 


A  woman  was  making  soap  out  by  the  ash-hopper. 

A  dream  of  other  days. 

Bill  Johnson's  homestead. 

Captain  Berry. 

Cy.  Willard. 

Ebenezer  Evergreen. 

Eliza  Lucretia  Foster. 

He  knew  that  this  would  increase  his  gnet. 


12  LIST  OF  ILLUSTRATIONS. 

PAGE. 

He  told  me  his  toe  nails  grew  so  long  he  had  to  chop  them  off  with  an  ax. 
I  want  to  watch  Mr.  Wood  Pecker  as  he  flies  across  the  field  looking  for 

a  tree  to  beat  his  face  against. 
I  had  the  side  of  the  barn  and  all  the  fences  around  the  place  covered 
I  always  help  pa  do  the  chores. 

with  capital  letters. 
I  wanted  to  see  strange  faces,  and  forever  get  away  from  the  song  of 

the  scythe  on  the  grindstone. 
In  due  time  every  member  of  the  family — except  Bill  and  I — was  on  the 

road  to  the  Ebenezer  meeting  house. 
It  was  very  gentle — at  times. 
Just  a  picture  of  an  apiary  is  enough. 

'"One  day  I  saw  a  woodman  in  the  forest  with  his  ax,  and  I  wept." 
On  any  Saturday  afternoon  he  could  be  seen  on  some  street  corner  in 

Eentonville  with  a  crowd  around  him. 
She  came  up  to  me  and  asked  if  I  would  like  to  buy  her  dog. 
'"See  'im  out  on  yon  limb,  er  settin'  thar  ez  sassy  ez  er  crow  in  water- 
million  time  ?" 
She  was  born  under  the  bright  rays  of  a  southern  sun. 
To  make  matters  worse,  the   four  little   "coons"   I   hired   to   distribute 

posters  threw  them  all  into  a  well  and  then  went  out  to  play. 
The  old  home. 

Tearing  up  the  new  ground. 
Take  good  care  of  your  ma  while  I  am  gone. 
'Tilda  Grimes. 

The  farmers  came  in  from  all  directions  loaded  down  with  vegetablas. 
Where  I  might  stroll  around  and  commune  with  wild  grape  vines,  cow 

slips  and  he  ferns. 
When  we  started  we  traveled  seventy-five  miles  in  a  covered  wagon  to 

Baxter's  Springs,  Kansas. 
\\'hen  she's  gone,  no  one  can  take  her  place. 
Willis  and  Jane. 
When  I  p'int  this  here  rifle  at  er  squirrel,  he's  got  ter  drap. 


PRKSS  WOODRUFF'S  ANCESTRAL  TREE. 


CAPTAIN     BERRY. 


FIRST  SPASM. 

ANY  ONE  WISHING  TO  READ  THIS  MAY  DO  SO  AT  HIS  OWN 

RISK. 

When  I  began  writing  this  book  I  bought  a  gallon  of 
ink,  and  a  quart  of  pen  points.  I  then  pulled  open 
the  valve  of  my  imagination  and  proceeded  to  record 
things  which  I  believe  will  postpone  old  age. 

At  that  time  I  had  no  worry  or  troubles;  I  was 
not  then  the  victim  of  insomnia  and  chilblains.  All  the 
world  seemed  gay  and  mirthful  as  I  perorated  up  to  my 
brisket  in  the  heyday  of  life.  The  hills  about  me  were 
flooded  with  a  crystal  gleam  and  the  woodpecker  was 
soaring  up  to  meet  the  rising  sun.  I  do  not  know  how 
often  a  woodpecker  gets  in  the  habit  of  soaring;  that 
is  his  business,  not  mine. 

I  was  happy  then  and  the  soft  silvery  radiance  of 
hope  poured  in  upon  me  like  Heaven's  own  benediction. 
But  now  that  is  "called  off"  and  I  have  taken  on  a  heavy 
coat  of  gloom  which  is  sticking  to  me  like  a  mortgage 
to  a  North  Dakota  homestead. 

The  first  thing  I  did  was  to  noise  the  fact  about  that 
I  was  writing  a  book.  I  then  went  home  and  waited 
several  weeks  for  publishers  to  come  and  purchase  my 
manuscript.  I  was  under  the  impression  that  they  would 
fall  over  each  other  for  a  chance  to  tender  their  checks, 
when  they  learned  that  I  was  preparing  something  to 
quiet  the  nerves  of  a  clamoring  public.     I  suppose  they 

15 


i6  FIRST  SPAS^r. 

were  all  too  busy,  or  else  they  never  heard  the  noise. 
At  all  events  they  never  called. 

The  only  encouragement  I  ever  had  to  write  a  book 
came  from  a  friend.  He  told  me  I  should  write  one  by 
all  means,  just  to  keep  the  running  gears  of  my  rhetoric 
in  working  order  He  also  said  that  I  should  never 
allow  the  manuscript  to  get  into  print. 

The  only  excuse  I  have  to  offer  for  placing  this  book 
within  the  reach  of  those  who  are  looking  for  a  good 
thing  is  that  they  can  "catch"  the  jokes  herein  without 
resorting  to  vaccination.  The  book  should  be  a  specific 
for  remorse  and  moroseness.  It  is  intended  to  renovate 
a  set  of  low  spirits,  and  make  them  look  like  they  are 
tailor-made. 

I  have  made  a  desperate  endeavor  to  tell  the  truth 
all  through  this  book,  but  after  carefully  reading  the 
manuscript  before  sending  it  to  my  publishers  I  find  that 
by  my  own  figures,  I  am  one  hundred  and  seventy-three 
years  old.  P.  W. 

P.  S. — Any  one  who  has  ever  cultivated  my  acquain- 
tance will  be  requested  to  pay  double  the  list  price  for 
this  book.  Press. 

N.  B. — A  few  of  the  illustrations  herein  were  drawn 
by  the  author  while  the  artist  was  on  his  vacation. 

W. 


TEMERITY. 


SHORT  time  ago  I  was  invited  to  de- 
liver a  humorous  lecture  in  a  Chi- 
cago jail.  The  people  there  are 
leading  a  quiet  life,  and  the  jailer 
agreed  that  a  pleasing  talk  would 
help  to  break  up  the  eternal  monot- 
ony. It  was  on  Sunday  morning 
and  the  church  bells  were  calling 
the  faithful  to  worship.  The  pris- 
oners were  permitted  to  leave  their 
cells  and  listen  to  a  man  with  a 
story.  I  was  surprised  to  find  so 
large  an  audience.  I  lectured  perhaps  two  hours  and 
congratulated  myself  on  the  behavior  of  those  present. 
No  one  left  the  jail  while  I  was  talking.  After  it  was 
all  over  I  asked  the  jailer  how  the  prisoners  liked  my 
humor. 

"Well,"  said  he,  "I  did  not  hear  many  criticisms  one 
way  or  the  other;  quite  a  number,  however,  requested 
me  to  take  them  back  to  their  cells  and  lock  them  up 
until  you  had  finished." 

I  thought  perhaps  my  reading  was  too  high  for  them ; 
I  had  talked  over  their  heads,  as  it  were.  Then  I  decided 
to  go  into  the  country  where  people  know  how  to  appre- 
ciate an  evening  of  wit  and  humor.  I  started  my  advance 
agent  through  Indiana  to  bill  me.     He  was  accompanied 

'7 


i8  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

by  a  trunk  containing-  one-sheet  posters,  on  which  was 
printed  the  following  modest  announcement: 


COMING! 


THE 


THE  BANISHER  OF  SADNESS. 

A  Bundle  of  Sunshine !  A  Veritable  Typhoon 

of  Merriment!    An  Avalanche  ot  Mirth 

and  A  Package  of  Fun! 

DON'T  FAIL  TO  HEAR   HIM! 

The  Silver  Question  will  be  Discussed  at 
the  Box  Office. 

Come  Early  and  Avoid  the  Jam. 

The  Trouble  will  Begin  at  Three  Inches 
past  Eight. 

Tickets— 10,  20,  30. 


When  I  started  on  the  trip  I  did  not  feel  that  I  was 
taking  many  chances.  I  knew  that  I  could  stay  out 
until  blackberry  time  and  then  pick  my  way  home. 

My  first  stand  was  in  the  town  of  Fowler,  Indiana. 
When  I  reached  that  place  I  soon  learned  that  my  pros- 
pects for  a  large  audience  were  slim,  as  the  Glue  Sisters 
were  five  days  ahead  and  my  advance  agent  four  days 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 


19 


behind  me.     Besides  I  had  to  play  against  Hood's  Sar- 
saparilla  and  their  paper  was  better  than  mine. 


NO  ONE  LEFT  THE  JAIL  WHILE  I  WAS  TALKING. 


The  Opera  house  manager  said  he  did  not  look  for  a 
large  house  as  there  was  a  Methodist  revival  in  town, 
the  Odd  Fellows  were  to  give  a  grand  ball  and  the 
Fowler  brass  band  boys  had  sold  300  tickets  for  a  con- 
cert that  night. 

I  went  to  my  hotel  rather  downhearted.     I  heard  the 


20  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

landlord  ask  his  wife  if  she  wanted  to  attend  my  lecture. 
She  said  she  thought  not,  as  she  did  not  care  to  spend 
money  foolishly. 

While  I  sat  in  tlie  hotel  parlor  resting  my  feet  on 
the  organ  and  wishing  that  I  was  rich,  a  little  girl  came 
in  followed  by  a  dog.  She  came  up  to  me  and  asked 
if  I  would  like  to  buy  her  dog.  I  told  her  I  hadn't 
thought  of  making  a  purchase,  but  I  asked  the  price. 

"Ten  cents,"  she  said. 

"What  are  you  going  to  do  with  the  ten  cents,  my 
little  girl?" 

"I  want  to  go  to  the  show,"  was  her  reply  as  she 
innocently  chewed  on  her  index  finger. 

"I  am  the  show,"  I  said.  "I  will  give  you  a  ticket, 
then  you  can  keep  your  dog." 

A  thunder  storm  came  up  about  7  o'clock  that  even- 
ing and  nearly  all  who  came  out  to  hear  the  lecture  did 
not  bother  about  buying  tickets;  they  had  passes. 

To  make  matters  worse,  the  four  little  "coons"  I 
hired  to  distribute  posters  threw  them  all  into  a  well 
and  then  went  out  to  play. 

When  the  curtain  went  up  I  noticed  the  little  girl 
and  her  dog  occupying  front  seats.  They  stayed  until 
the  show  was  over.  They  were  about  the  only  ones 
who  did.  When  I  had  concluded  I  woke  the  little  girl 
and  told  her  that  the  show  was  over.  As  she  walked 
out  of  the  theater  leading  her  dog  I  heard  her  say  to 
herself: 

"I'm  awful  glad  I  kept  my  dog." 

My  landlord  had  preceded  me  to  the  hotel.     I  found 
him  still  laughing  when  I  arrived.     I  said  to  him : 
"Landlord,  what  has  tickled  you  so?" 
"Well,  sir,  I  tell  you,"  he  said,  "I  was  just  laugh- 
ing about  that  last  story  you  told.     Gosh  blamed  if  that 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 


21 


wa'n't  the  funniest  thing  I  ever  heard  in  my  Hfe.  Say, 
don't  you  know  that  boy  of  mine  ought  to  be  on  the 
stage  ?  Blame  my  buttons  if  he  oughten.  He's  a  natural 
born  play  actor.  He  just  reminds  me  of  you.  He  is 
the  biggest  fool  I  ever  sav^." 


'GOSH    BLAMED    IF    THAT    WA'NT    THE    FUNNIEST    THING    I    EVER 
HEARD     IN    MY    LIFE." 


THE  OLD  HOME. 


WANT  to  go  back  to  the  old  home 
and  fill  up  on  green  apples,  then 
walk  out  into  the  blackberry  patch 
and  get  covered  with  seed-ticks.  I 
want  to  soak  my  being  with  recol- 
lections of  boyhood  days.  I  want 
to  listen  to  the  catbird  warble  an 
assortment  of  the  sweetest  strains 
of  joy.  I  want  to  watch  Mr.  Wood 
Pecker  as  he  flies  across  the  field 
looking  for  a  tree  to  beat  his  face 
against.  I  want  a  vacation  from 
the  mad  rush  in  a  congested  city. 
I  want  to  get  away  from  the  black 
clouds  of  coal  smoke  and  breathe 
a  breath  from  the  fields  of  wheat 
and  corn.  I  want  to  carve  my 
name  on  a  sycamore  tree  down  by  the  old  spring  house. 
I  want  to  grasp  the  hands  of  my  kindred  who  knew 
me  when  a  boy.  I  want  to  tread  where  my  footprints 
have  been  rained  out  for  many  years.  I  want  to  go 
to  the  old  meeting  house  and  listen  to  a  sermon  preached 
from  the  soul. 

I  want  to  see  the  dogwood  blossoms  on  the  hill  side. 
I  want  to  go  into  the  woods  and  watch  the  fox  squirrel 
barking  at  his  best.     I  want  to  hear  again  the  thrush's 


A  BUNDLE  OP  SUNSHINE.  23 

song  that  reached  my  young  heart.  I  want  to  look  across 
the  meadows  and  think  of  other  days.  I  want  to  see 
the  old  swimming  hole  and  count  the  passing  years  since 
there  my  heart  was  glad.  I  want  to  jump  onto  a  brush- 
heap  and  scare  out  a  rabbit,  simply  to  let  it  know  that 
I  am  still  a  boy.  I  want  to  hang  around  at  night  when 
all  is  still  and  listen  to  the  whip-poor-will  away  down 
in  the  mulberry  bottom.  I  want  to  hitch  a  mule  to  a 
bull-tongue  plow  and  stir  up  the  new  ground.  I  want 
to  sit  down  to  a  meal  of  corn  bread,  sow  belly  and  lye 
hominy.  I  want  to  rest  my  feet  on  the  jam  rock  and 
talk  of  war  times,  when  the  bushwhackers  raised  the 
very  devil  at  Hickory  Hill. 

Some  people  claim  that  I  was  born  in  Missouri,  while 
others  say  I  was  born  in  July.  They  are  all  wrong.  I 
was  born  in  Arkansaw.  It  was  in  one  of  those  old  time 
log  houses  which  had  a  fireplace  about  seven  feet  wide 
and  a  mud  and  stick  chimney.  Some  folks  say  that 
Arkansaw  was  made  on  Saturday  night  after  all  the 
rest  of  the  universe  had  been  finished. 

After  the  war  w^as  over  our  folks  were  very  poor. 
All  pa  had  left  was  five  children  and  a  bad  case  of 
rheumatism  in  his  left  knee.  Of  course  he  had  the 
farm  of  eighty  acres,  forty  of  which  were  under  cultiva- 
tion and  the  remainder  under  water.  I  can  remember 
when  I  was  teething  the  folks  could  not  afiford  to  buy 
me  a  rubber  ring  to  help  me  along.  The  best  they  could 
do  was  to  give  me  a  stick  of  stove  wood  to  chew  on. 
When  I  grew  a  little  older  I  had  another  teething  spell 
which  proved  serious. 

I  was  down  with  the  fever  and  ague  which  hung  on 
to  me  for  eighteen  months  at  one  sitting.  I  had  taken 
calomel  until  my  voice  rang  like  a  tin  pan.  At  that  time 
an  Arkansaw  doctor  never  gave  anything  but  calomel, 


24 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 


even  if  one  had  a  broken  bone.  One  day  as  I  lay  in 
my  bed  shaking  the  nine  patches  off  the  quilts  with  a 
chill,  I  was  seized  with  a  fierce  appetite  for  sour  butter- 
milk. It  did  not  take  me  long  to  appease  it.  In  a  short 
time  I  was  salivated  and  my  teeth  fell  out  like  locust 


THE    BEST   THEY   COULD   DO   WAS   TO   GIVE    ME    A    STICK   OF   STOVE 
WOOD    TO    CHEW    ON. 

leaves  after  a  heavy  frost.  Every  time  I  sneezed  I  lost 
a  fang.  Ma  got  frightened  and  called  in  the  doctor. 
He  sat  on  my  bed,  adjusted  his  spectacles,  cleared  his 
throat  and  proceeded  to  look  wise.     Ma  did  not  tell  him 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE.  25 

what  caused  my  trouble,  so  his  diagnosis  was  that  my 
teeth  were  molting. 

The  third  time  I  teethed  I  hired  a  dentist  to  assist 
me.  He  first  drove  a  wire  nail  down  to  the  second 
section  of  the  apex  of  one  of  my  favorite  molars.     I 


I  WAS  SEIZED  WITH  A  FIERCE  ArPETITE  FOR  SOUR  BUTTERMILK. 

asked  him  what  he  was  trying  to  do.  He  said  he  was 
simply  killing  the  nerve,  a  mere  trifle.  I  begged  his 
pardon,  as  I  thought  he  was  trying  to  kill  me.  For 
thirty  days  after  he  separated  me  from  my  pearls,  I 


26  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUXSHINE. 

walked  around  coughing  up  sections  of  alveolus.  I  think 
that  was  what  he  called  it.  For  many  days  I  refused 
to  take  any  food  except  hot  pumpkin  and  rolled  oats. 
At  last  he  surveyed  my  food  mill  and  took  my  measure 
for  new  grinders.  I  can  truthfully  say  that  now  I  can 
read  and  write  with  my  new  set  just  as  good  as  I  did 
with  my  natural  ones.  If  the  new  set  aches  at  night 
I  just  lay  them  on  the  window  sill  and  continue  my  sleep. 

It  is  necessary  that  I  avoid  eating  blackberries  on 
account  of  the  seeds;  it  saves  me  from  leaving  the  din- 
ner table  and  going  out  to  the  pump. 

While  we  lived  in  Arkansaw,  we  children  had  to  go 
barefooted.  The  bottom  of  my  feet  looked  like  hem- 
lock tan  sole  leather.  They  were  as  tough  as  the  feet 
of  the  girl  in  the  story  whose  mother  said  to  her : 

"Sallie!  look  out  there,  you  are  standing  on  a  coal 
of  fire!" 

Sallie  looked  around  to  her  mother  unconcerned  and 
asked : 

"Which  foot,  ma?" 

When  I  was  eleven  years  old  pa  made  me  a  pair  of 
shoes.  He  had  only  one  last  and  it  Avas  for  the  right 
foot.  These  shoes  kept  me  turning  to  the  left  all  that 
winter.  It  did  not  matter  where  I  started,  I  was  sure 
to  turn  to  the  left  and  I  have  been  left  footed  ever  since. 

Even  to  this  day  I  have  to  be  careful  wdien  I  go 
out  for  a  walk  with  a  young  lady.  I  have  to  take  the 
near  side.  If  I  start  to  walk  on  her  right  I  am  sure 
to  run  into  her. 

Most  of  the  farm  houses  in  our  neighborhood  had 
puncheon  floors.  It  was  nothing  unusual  to  see  the  boys 
and  girls  dance  on  them  all  night  barefooted  to  the 
tunes  of  "Cotton  Eye  Joe,"  "Chicken  in  the  Bread  Tray," 
"Soap  Suds  Over  the  Fence"  and  "Black  Eyed  Susan." 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE.  27 

The  next  morning  it  was  easy  to  pick  up  a  wash  pan 
full  of  toe  nails. 

For  a  long  time  in  Arkansaw  there  was  no  writing 
paper  to  be  had.     If  a  young  man  wanted  to  write  to 


THE  THIRD  TIME  I  TEETHED  I  HIRED  A  DENTIST  TO  ASSIST  ME. 

his  sweetheart  he  would  take  a  piece  of  pine  board  about 
a  foot  long  and  engrave  the  picture  of  an  eye  in  the 
center  of  it  and  send  it  to  his  loved  one. 

The  interpretation  was  easy.     It  meant:     "I  pine." 


28  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

If  she  loved  him  she  would  go  into  the  woods  and 
get  a  pine  knot  and  send  that  to  him  as  her  answer. 
That  meant:     "Pine  not." 

If  she  did  not  care  for  his  love  she  would  set  the 
pine  knot  on  fire.  That  meant:  "I  make  light  of  your 
pining." 

Pa  had  quite  a  nursery  and  he  gave  me  a  thorough 
training  in  the  business.  He  taught  me  to  bud  and  graft 
seedlings.  Grafting  requires  a  great  deal  of  patience 
and  practice  to  l^ecome  an  adept.  Pa  always  allowed 
that  at  my  age  I  could  graft  faster  than  any  one  he  had 
ever  seen.  This  was  many  years  ago.  I  often  stop  now 
and  think  seriously  how  sorry  he  would  be  if  he  only 
knew  what  a  grafter  he  made  out  of  me. 

Our  neighbor's  farm  was  an  upright  homestead. 
Kind  of  a  hill  side  plantation.  He  always  planted  pota- 
toes in  rows  up  and  down.  This  made  the  harvesting 
much  easier,  as  he  could  cut  off  the  lower  end  of  the 
row,  poke  a  pole  or  hoe  handle  up  the  hill  to  get  the 
potatoes  started,  then  hold  a  sack  and  catch  them  as 
they  rolled  out. 

We  remained  on  the  farm  until  pa  grew  tired  of 
chinch  bugs  and  jimpson  w^eeds.  Then  he  sold  out  and 
started  for  the  w^est  where  the  children  could  grow  up 
with  the  country.  When  we  started  we  traveled  seventy- 
five  miles  in  a  covered  wagon  to  Baxter's  Springs,  Kan- 
sas, where  we  could  get  a  train.  At  almost  every  farm 
house  we  passed  on  the  road  I  noticed  the  chickens 
would  get  on  their  backs  so  as  to  have  their  feet  tied. 
I  have  since  learned  that  all  Arkansaw  chickens  get  into 
that  habit  from  the  fact  that  so  many  farmers  move  to 
Texas  in  the  fall  and  return  in  the  spring.  The  chick- 
ens always  make  the  trip  with  their  feet  tied,  and  every 
time  they  see  a  covered  wagon  they  get  ready  for  Texas. 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 


29 


After  several  days  hard  driving  we  landed  in  Neosha, 
Missouri.  Ma  learned  on  arriving  there  that  measles 
were  epidemic  in  the  town  and  like  all  women  folks  she 
thought  we  ought  to  camp  and  become  exposed.     She 


BEFORE  PA  COULD  GET  ME  ABOARD  THE  TRAIN  I  HAD  TO  BE 
BLINDFOLDED  AND  FORCED  ON  BACKWARDS. 

believed  that  children  should  have  that  disease  while 
young.  We  camped  on  the  edge  of  town  two  days  and 
got  the  measles. 

In  a  few  days  we  landed  in  Baxter's  Springs.  ^   Every 
one  was  excited  in  getting  ready  for  the  long  journey. 


30  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

I  was  then  fifteen  years  old,  still  barefooted  and  had 
never  seen  a  railroad  train  up  to  that  time.  Pa  bought 
me  a  pair  of  plough  shoes,  two  sizes  too  large  so  they 
would  last  longer.  I  had  on  a  pair  of  those  tight  jean 
pants  w^hich  were  about  $1.50  too  short.  From  the  bot- 
tom of  the  pants  to  the  top  of  the  shoes  I  remember  there 
was  an  intermission  of  about  forty  minutes.  For  a 
brand  new  Arkansaw  emigrant  I  stood  at  the  head  of 
the  class.  Before  pa  could  get  me  aboard  the  train  T 
had  to  be  blindfolded  and  forced  on  backwards.  Dur- 
ing that  journey  we  children  scattered  the  measles  over 
two  thousand  miles  of  country. 


A     DREAM     OF     OTHER     DAYS. 


WHEN    SHE'S    GONE     NO    ONE    CAN    TAKE    HER     PLACE. 


TRIFLING  WITH  MUSIC. 


HERE  is  about  as  much  music  in  a 
gourd  fiddle  as  there  is  in  a  sap- 
sucker  sucking  the  sap  out  of  a 
sycamore  sapHng.  It  was  the  only 
muscial  instrument  I  had  ever 
played  upon  or  heard  until  I  left 
Arkansaw.  It  has  been  said  that 
my  playing  was  the  cause  of  our 
neighbors  emigrating  to  Texas. 
My  soul  was  full  of  music,  and  I 
longed  for  the  time  wdien  I  would 
get  a  chance  to  listen  to  something 
better  than  the  high  notes  used  in 
calling  hogs,  at  which  business  I 
was  past  grand  master  of  Elm  flat. 
In  a  town  out  in  the  state  of  Washington  I  went  into 
a  hotel  parlor  to  hear  a  traveling  Bachelor  of  Music  rip  off 
a  few  yards  of  joy  on  a  piano.  I  must  have  looked  out 
of  place  for  I  had  just  resigned  my  position  as  straw- 
bucker  in  a  harvest  field,  but  I  did  not  care,  I  wanted  to 
hear  some  music.  Ye  mythological  gods  and  mountain 
trout  how  that  man  could  play.  He  had  studied  technic, 
harmony  and  execution  for  twenty  years. 

With  wheat  straw  and  chaff  yet  in  my  hair,  I  had  the 
nerve  to  address  that  noted  musician.  I  asked  him  how 
long  he  thought  it  would  take  me  to  learn  to  manipulate 
the  piano. 

3> 


A    BVXDLE    OF   SUNSHINE. 


SHE    HIT    ME    ON    THE    HEAD    WITH    THAT    MAGIC    WAND    WITH 
MUCH     FORCE. 

32 


-  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE.  33 

"That  depends,"  he  said.  "I  do  not  know  exactly,  but 
I  rather  think  you  could  learn  in  a  short  time.  You  look 
like  a  young  man  who  might  have  natural  musical  talent." 

I  thanked  him  and  went  away  feeling  that  I  would 
soon  be  able  to  furnish  myself  with  music  enough  to 
satisfy  a  hungry  soul. 

That  very  day  I  set  out  to  find  a  teacher  who  would 
give  me  piano  lessons.  There  was  only  one  lesson  giver 
in  town.  She  was  an  old  maid  with  a  high  temper  and 
an  ossified  heart.  She  was  the  meanest  woman  I  ever 
met.  Even  to  this  day,  I  would  not  talk  to  her  over  a 
telephone.  The  town  folks  said  no  one  would  live  in  the 
same  hundred-acre  lot  with  her,  nor  bathe  in  the  same 
ocean.  She  had  loved  madly  but  not  wisely.  She  had 
promised  to  wed  a  prestidigitator.  He  in  a  moment  of  hot 
flashes  and  forgetfulness  had  eloped  with  a  chambermaid, 
and  left  the  poor  heart-broken  teacher  with  nothing  but 
a  magic  wand  and  her  past  to  think  over.  She  felt  that 
she  ought  to  get  even  on  some  one,  and  when  I  appeared 
she  took  her  spite  out  on  me.  Somewhere  in  my  pere- 
grinations, someone  had  taught  me  how  to  play  two 
chords,  G  natural  and  G  minor.  Now  if  you  should  ever 
want  to  try  these  two  chords  to  see  how  they  modulate, 
don't  do  it  when  you  have  company  at  your  house  if  you 
don't  want  the  people  to  leave. 

Miss  Alegretto,  that  was  not  her  name,  but  that  was 
the  way  she  played  and  acted,  started  me  in  on  my  first 
lesson  which  was  familiarizing  myself  with  the  treble  clef. 
I  have  thought  since  it  should  be  called  the  "trouble"  clef. 
I  worked  awhile  on  that  fleet  of  letters :  f,  a.  c,  e  and  e,  g, 
b,  d  and  f,  and  then  I  wandered  off  into  playing  my  favor- 
ite G  natural  and  G  minor.  When  she  heard  that  she  came 
into  the  room  with  a  rush  and  what  a  scorching  I  got. 


34 


A  BUNDLE  or  SUXSIIIXE. 


She  hit  me  on  the  head  with  that  magic  wand  with  much 
force. 

"You  can  stick  to  your  lesson,  sir,  or  leave  this  house 
at  once,"  she  said. 


'•YOU   CAN'T  FOOL   ME   FOR   A    MOMENT.       THAT'S   NO   HEAD;    THAT'S 
A    SQUASH;     TAKE     IT     AWAY." 

I  looked  foolish  for  a  moment,  then  I  got  busy  with 
that  "trouble"  clef.  Any  time  after  that  when  I  wanted 
her  to  do  her  little  "turn,"  I  could  always  bring  her  out 
with  my  favorite  G  natural  and  G  minor.  She  was  al- 
wavs  sure  to  make  a  hit — if  she  had  her  wand  with  her. 


A  BUNDLE  OP  SUNSHINE.  35 

For  every  letter  there  is  in  music,  there  is  a  knot  on  my 
head,  caused  by  the  playful  use  of  that  magician's  legacy. 

A  phrenologist  came  to  town  to  give  a  lecture  and  I 
went  to  hear  him.  During  his  remarks  he  made  a  state- 
ment that  he  could  tell  blindfolded  what  a  mail  was.  A 
committee  of  three  went  up  on  the  stage  and  tied  a  hand- 
kerchief over  his  eyes.  It  was  then  in  order  for  anybody 
and  everybody  to  go  up  and  have  their  heads  examined. 
Some  one  called  out  my  name,  and  the  committee  came 
to  where  I  was  seated  and  took  me  up  to  the  professor. 
He  only  felt  of  my  head  for  an  instant,  then  he  said : 

"You  can't  fool  me  for  a  moment,  that's  no  head, 
that's  a  squash,  take  it  away." 

I  did  not  stop  to  explain  to  him  that  the  peculiar 
bumps  on  my  head  had  been  developed  by  the  use  of  a 
magic  wand. 

After  I  had  worked  some  weeks  on  the  "trouble''  clef 
and  got  a  few  more  knots  on  my  squash,  Miss  Alegretto 
started  me  to  work  on  the  bass  clef.  It  was  not  until 
then  that  I  found  out  that  the  notes  on  the  bass  clef  were 
differently  situated  from  those  on  the  "trouble"  clef.  It 
was  simply  a  different  system.  She  w^as  vexed  more  than 
usual  at  my  ignorance  and  again  got  busy  with  her  wand 
rehearsal.  I  took  it  all  as  good  naturedly  as  I  knew  how, 
and  told  her  if  she  would  ease  up  a  little  and  not  get  so 
handy  with  that  magic  club  of  hers  that  I  w^ould  promise 
to  marry  her.  That  did  settle  it.  I  saw  in  an  instant  that 
I  had  made  an  egregious  error.  The  last  I  remember  was 
that  I  saw  Mars,  Venus,  Uranus,  Jupiter  and  many 
other  heavenly  bodies.  It  was  about  ten  days  before  I 
could  resume  work  in  the  harvest  field. 


THE  WEEKLY  PEAVINE. 


T  is  not  generally  known  that  at  one 
time  I  published  a  newspaper.  I 
have  tried  to  keep  this  quiet,  be- 
cause the  paper  died  young.  It  was 
devoted  to  the  interest  of  the  ed- 
itor, and  had  the  good  will  of  all 
who  got  a  personal  mention.  I  had 
a  guaranteed  circulation  of  200. 
This  was  necessary  in  order  to  get 
the  one  cent  per  pound  newspaper 
rate  from  the  postoffice  authorities. 
The  following  clippings  from  the 
first  issue  give  an  idea  of  its  tone: 

Editorials. 


The  object  of  the  Peavine  is  to  stand  on  its  own 
platform  and  howl  like  a  wild  Digger  Indian  for  any  old 
cause  that  happens  to  be  the  style.  We  believe  in  bel- 
ligerency on  the  slightest  provocation.  We  are  loyal, 
true  and  firm,  and  will  fight  to  a  finish  on  any  proposition 
we  advocate,  as  long  as  it  pays.  You  are  welcome  any 
time  at  the  Peavine  office,  where  you  can  get  the  latest 
news  and  anything  else  laying  around  loose.  If  you 
don't  want  to  subscribe  for  the  darned  old  paper,  it's  all 
right.  We  will  treat  you  to  a  cigar  that  will  curl  your 
hair. 

36 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 


37 


We  wish  to  state  in  this  issue  of  the  Peavine  that  on 
account  of  a  drunken  tramp  printer  whom  we  put  to 
work  some  weeks  ago,  the  Peavine  will  be  something 
like  twenty  days  late  getting  to  press.     For  this  mis- 


IF     YOU     DON'T     WANT     TO     SUBSCRIBE     FOR     THE    DARNED     OLD 
PAPER,     IT'S    ALL,    RIGHT. 


fortune  we  are  not  to  blame.    We  never  were  responsible 

for  anything  we  could  crawl  out  of. 

*     *     * 

There  is  a  scurrilous  report  going  the  rounds  that  we 
have  to  go  before  a  notary  public  every  time  we  tell  the 


38  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUXSHIXB. 

truth.  This  is  false.  In  the  tirst  place  the  truth  never 
bothers  us  for  a  moment.  We  are  as  impervious  to  such 
reports  as  a  slate  roof  is  to  a  rain  storm.  Any  man  who 
has  the  gall  to  accuse  us  of  tampering  with  the  truth  is 
a  liar,  a  porch  climber  and  an  uncalled  for  excrescence. 

We  do  not  care  to  take  sides  on  last  Wednesday's 
shooting  scrape.  If  Bill  Rivers  held  a  royal  flush  against 
a  pair  of  deuces  he  should  have  taken  the  pot  in  place  of 
a  giui-podermic  injection  of  bi-chloride  of  lead.  It  is 
our  belief  that  Buck  Watson  has  always  been  too  handy 
with  his  gini  anyway;  and  if  some  one  don't  cut  his  sus- 
penders and  let  him  go  through  the  roof,  we  will  not  be 
surprised  to  notice  a  distance  of  forty  inches  between 
his  feet  and  the  bosom  of  this  earth  before  another  sun- 
rise. 

Locals  and  Personals. 

Gus  Henderson's  youngest  child  swallowed  an  egg- 
beater  Sunday  night,  and  it  caused  quite  a  stir. 

Bill  Irwin  has  returned  from  a  sojourn  in  Sedalia. 
He  reports  times  very  quiet.  He  says  he  did  not  miss  any 
meals,  but  he  postponed  quite  a  few. 

W.  A.  Roland  dug  a  well  on  his  new  farm  1,200  feet 
deep  and  struck  smoke.  An  injunction  was  served  by  the 
authorities  and  the  work  was  stopped.  Mr.  Roland  has 
since  joined  the  church. 

There  will  be  a  phrenologist's  lecture  given  at  Boggs' 
schoolhouse  next  Tuesday  night.     Heads  examined  and 
charts  given  in  exchange  for  farm  produce  and  dry  cord- 
wood.  tf. 

Don't  forget  the  social  hop  at  Joy's  hall  on  the  4th. 
Tickets,  including  horse  feed,  $2.50.  tf. 


A  BUNDLE  OP  SUNSHINE.  39 

There  was  a  new  comer  at  Pete  Tucker's  house  last 
night.     Mother  and  child  doing  well  and  father  happy. 
Miss  Eliza  Rankin  graduated  on  the  organ  at  Peace- 
ful Valley  at  the  close  of  the  district  school.     She  will 
visit  friends  and  relatives  at  Slabtown  on  the  first. 

Baldness  is  caused  by  the  loss  of  hair.  Use  Potter's 
hair  tonic,  it  never  fails  to  leave  the  scalp  free  from  dan- 
druff— and  hair. 

Andy  McLean  took  a  drink  of  Spruce  Gulch  liquor 
while  on  his  way  home  last  Monday.  The  liquor  was 
evidently  bad,  as  he  afterwards  tried  to  pick  the  lock  on 
his  own  trunk. 

The  new  road  from  Pine  Ridge  has  improved  travel. 
Yesterday's  stage  brought  in  three  gentlemen  and  one 
drummer. 

Will  Heartman  fell  over  a  fence  rail  last  Saturday 
and  broke  his  record. 

Hereafter  the  Mount  Comfort  stage  will  change 
horses  at  the  Ten  Mile  house.  The  off  horse  will  be 
changed  to  the  near  side. 

Lester  Cornell  took  an  overdose  of  "tarantula  juice" 
yesterday.  He  afterwards  collided  with  a  freight  train 
and  got  a  caboose  in  his  shoe. 

Remember  the  T^Iethodist  festival  Tuesday  night. 
Already  700  cookies  have  been  baked  for  the  occasion. 
Admittance :    Getting  in,  free.    Getting  out,  $4  to  $1 7. 

Little  Eddie  Ross,  after  seeing  the  circus,  went  home 
and  tried  to  walk  his  mother's  clothes  line.  The  funeral 
will  be  held  tomorrow  at  2  130  p.  m. 

A  party  of  Coon  Hollow  boys  seined  the  dam  at 
Alter's  mill  last  week.  They  caught  fifty-two  cat  fish, 
one  beaver  and  a  set  of  old  harness. 

Subscribe  for  The  Weekly  Peavine.  Bring  in  stove 
wood,  hay,  spare  ribs  and  molasses  and  pay  your  back 


40  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

subscriptions,  as  we  have  to  live  or  die.     In  either  case, 
we  are  better  off. 

Try  Joe  Allen's  new  barber  shop.     Shaving  done  with- 
out pain,  or  whiskers  refunded. 

Wit  and  Humor. 
Daughter   (to  her  mother) — Ma!  I  wish  you  would 
make  Willie  stop.    Every  time  I  hit  him  on  the  head  with 
this  ax,  he  cries. 

Fond    :^Iother  (to    her   daughter)— You   never   use 
slang,  do  you,  Sarah? 

Sarah — Well.  I  should  say  nit. 

Teacher — Now.  Sam,  what  is  a  farm? 

Sam — A  farm  is  a  body  of  land  covered  all  over  with 
a  mortgage. 

Teacher — Why  did  Lot's  wife  look  back? 

Sam — I  don't  know  unless  it  was  to  ask  Lot  if  her  hat 
was  on  straight. 


A  WISE  HORSE. 


FEW  years  ago  I  went  to  Minne- 
,r-->  apolis,  Minn.,  to  make  a  study  of 
the  Norwegian  language,  as  I  had 
been  informed  the  Norwegians 
were  guiUy  of  some  very  telling 
humor  and  got  off  jokes  that  often 
killed. 

One  morning  I  boarded  a  horse 
car  for  a  ride.     I  stood  on  the  plat- 
form with  the  driver  so  I  could  get 
the  morning  air,  as  that  town  is 
noted  for  air,  both  hot  and  cold. 
While  I  was  telling  the  driver  the  history  of  my  past 
life,  the  off  horse  stumbled  and  fell.     The  car  ran  over 
him  and  the  poor  old  fellow  died  in  a  few  minutes.    The 
driver,  with  an  angry  look,  turned  to  me  and  said : 
"You  are  to  blame  for  that!" 
"Why  am  I  to  blame?"  I  asked. 
"Because  you  cracked  one  of  those  jokes  of  yours  and 
the  horse  tumbled." 


41 


THE  HEMORRHAGE  HOUSE. 


HEN  first  I  landed  in  Chicago  all 
I  had  with  me  was  a  rubber 
valise  and  a  striking  resemblance 
to  a  farm  hand.  I  could  check 
the  valise  almost  any  place,  but 
that  pastoral  look  of  mine  could 
not  be  hidden  for  a  minute. 
Leaving  the  Union  depot  I  wan- 
dered down  Canal  street  looking 
for  a  tavern.  I  noticed  a  sign 
which  read : 

"Hemorrhage  House. 
Strangers  Taken  in  Here." 
There  was  some  comfort  in  that  sign.  I  knew  that  if 
there  ever  was  a  stranger  who  had  leaked  into  a  big  town 
it  was  myself.  I  reminded  myself  of  a  steer  calf  jumping 
a  ten-rail  fence,  and  leaving  behind  a  green  pasture  just 
to  follow  off  an  empty  hay  wagon.  I  went  into  that  pul- 
monary resort,  that  is,  I  suppose  it  was,  as  the  name  im- 
plies, and  asked  the  clerk  if  he  could  give  me  a  room. 

"No,  sir,  I  cannot,  but  I  can  rent  you  one,"  was  his 
curt  reply. 

I  did  not  say  much,  but  I  knew  in  a  minute  that  he 
was  an  upstart.  He  was  one  of  those  flip,  free,  flossy, 
frisky,  fresh,  foxy,  fluent  festers  one  can  easily  discover  in 
a  city.  He  reminded  me  of  the  old  story  of  the  boy 
laid  up  with  the  scarlet  fever,  which  had  settled  in  his 

42 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 


43 


hair.  It  was  as  red  as  powdered  cochineal.  When  he 
was  a  boy,  he  doubtless  got  too  close  to  some  speckled 
cow  and  she  coughed  bran  in  his  face.  He  had  a  crop  of 
freckles  that  would  make  a  Missouri  school  marm  relapse 
into  a  series  of  violent  fits  of  envy. 


•1    WANDERED    DOWN    CANAL    STREET    LOOKING    FOR    A    TAVERN. 


He  asked  me  if  I  had  summer  fallowed  that  lower 
forty  this  season  or  sowed  it  in  oats.  I  made  no  reply,  as 
I  knew  he  must  be  the  village  joker,  and  besides  famil- 
iarity sometimes  breeds  distemper. 


A4  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

I  registered  my  name,  and  the  clerk  rented  me  room 
tliirteen.  He  said  that  room  was  the  most  noted  one  in 
the  hoteh  The  first  disaster  he  remembered  was  a  year 
or  so  after  the  hotel  was  built.    A  robber  got  in  through 


■NOT    LESS    THAN    100    NIGHTMARES     GOT    IN    THERE     THAT    NIGHT 
TO    GET    THAT    SACK    OF   OATS. 

the  door  one  night  and  choked  a  man  to  death  for  his 
money.  A  little  later  on,  two  couples  were  married  in 
that  room.  Then  it  wasn't  long  until  a  man  got  up  in 
his  sleep  and  walked  to  a  window  at  the  end  of  the  hall, 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE.  45 

jumped  out,  struck  the  pavement  below  and  broke  his 
neck.  He  said  there  were  other  happenings  he  did  not 
like  to  relate.  In  due  time  I  asked  him  to  show  me  the 
room  with  the  history  as  it  was  about  my  time  to  fly  up 
and  go  to  roost. 

It  was  one  of  those  small  dark  inside  rooms  with  the 
windows  down  stairs  or  out  in  the  laundry.  There  wasn't 
even  a  transom.  It  was  just  as  dark  in  the  day  time  as  it 
was  at  night.  I  could  never  tell  when  to  get  up,  and  if  I 
hadn't  left  a  call,  I  might  be  there  now. 

The  bedtick  was  filled  with  corn  stalks  and  the  pillow 
was  a  sack  of  oats.  Not  less  than  loo  nightmares  got 
in  there  that  night  to  get  that  sack  of  oats.  Some  were 
bay,  some  gray,  several  flea  bitten  and  a  few  roan.  They 
brought  their  colts  with  them,  drank  up  all  the  water  in 
the  pitcher,  ate  up  all  the  corn  stalks  and  oats,  then 
kicked  in  the  footboard  and  left  several  sets  of  harness 
and  horse  collars  lying  around  on  the  floor.  The  next 
morning  when  I  went  down  stairs  looking  haggard  and 
careworn,  the  clerk  with  garnet  hair  said  to  me : 

"Well,  old  horse,  how  do  you  feel  ?" 

"Oh,  I  feel  my  oats,  thank  you,"  I  quickly  retorted. 

Then  he  grew  angry  because  he  thought  I  was  trying 
to  be  funny,  and  he  invited  me  to  disband.  He  wanted 
me  mustered  out  at  once.  I  exhibited  some  delicacy 
about  mustering  and  he  assisted  me.  During  the  con- 
sternation I  somehow  went  out  the  back  way  and  had  my 
right  leg  broken  in  two  places,  once  below  the  knee, 
and  once  out  back  of  the  hotel. 

After  he  cooled  off  I  asked  him  why  he  called  his 
tavern  the  Hemorrhage  House. 

"Because  I  always  make  my  guests  cough  up,"  he 
replied. 


TRIBD  TO  BE  A  COOK. 


VOLUNTEERED  to  assist  the 
Christian  Endeavor  Society  in  an 
entertainment  to  be  held  at  the 
Presbyterian  church  at  Spokane, 
Wash.  One  of  the  members  told 
me  that  after  the  entertainment 
there  would  be  a  spread  in  the 
league  room,  and  oil  the  young  men 
were  expected  to  do  the  cooking. 
This  was  simply  to  add  novelty  to 
the  affair. 

I  went  home  and  asked  my  sister 
how  to  bake  bread.  She  said : 
"Why,  in  the  oven,  of  course." 
I  told  her  to  please  refrain  from 
trying  to  be  funny,  as  that  was  my  business  and  I  could 
not  stand  much  competition. 

"Well,"  she  said,  "we  women  folks  have  quite  a  good 
deal  of  bad  luck  baking  bread.  We  have  to  sit  up  some- 
times until  12  or  I  o'clock  at  night  to  watch  a  batch  of 
dough.    To  begin  with  you  must  set  a  sponge." 

So  I  went  to  a  drug  store  and  bought  a  sponge.  I 
got  one  for  ninety  cents,  as  I  thought  that  would  be  large 
enough.  For  the  life  of  me  I  could  not  imagine  what  a 
sponge  had  to  do  with  baking  bread.  In  the  first  place, 
I  did  not  know  where  to  set  it,  and  what  good  it  would  do 
if  I  did  set  it,  so  I  concluded  to  set  it  on  the  stove.    Now 

46 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 


47 


I  have  set  bird  traps,  set  up  to  see  the  old  year  out  and 
the  new  year  in,  set  up  with  sick  folks,  set  up  with  folks 
who  were  not  sick,  set  setting  hens  at  setting  time  just 
to  see  them  set,  set  up  with  other  fellows'  girls  and  a 
whole  lot  of  setting  up  that  I  could  tell  about  if  the  law 


I  CONCLUDED  TO  SET  IT  ON  THE  STOVE. 

was  not  against  me ;  but  that  is  the  first  time  I  ever  sat  up 
with  a  sponge.  The  sponge  had  been  setting  on  the 
stove  about  ten  minutes,  when  my  sister  came  into  the 
kitchen  like  a  cyclone. 


48  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

"Goodness!  gracious  sakes  alive!  what  on  earth  is 
that  burning?"  she  asked.     "It's  just  awful!" 

"That  is  the  sponge  I  have  set  for  the  Christian  En- 
deavor," I  said  with  a  look  of  wisdom. 

"Well !  if  that  isn't  the  worst!  Did  you  ever  hear  of 
such — gracious  me!  but  if  you — why  haven't  you  a  little 
bit  of  sense !  The  idea  of  setting  a  bath  sponge  on  the 
stove,  with  the  idea  that  it  will  turn  to  bread." 

She  then  explained  to  me  what  she  meant  by  setting 
a  sponge.  The  next  five  hours  she  put  in  laughing  at  my 
ignorance,  and  she  thought  it  such  a  good  joke  that  she 
could  not  keep  it.  She  visited  all  the  neighbors  near  us 
and  told  them  that  I  had  turned  out  to  be  a  cook.  Any- 
way, I  started  in  and  tried  my  hand  on  flour,  salt,  yeast, 
milk  and  anything  else  that  I  thought  would  help  to  make 
dough.  But  to  be  up  to  date,  when  I  got  the  batch  ready 
I  called  it  a  sponge  and  set  it.  Then  I  sat  up  and  looked 
at  it  until  it  soured.  I  did  not  know  what  to  do  in  that 
case,  so  I  called  my  sister  and  told  her  the  sponge  had 
soured  on  me.  She  told  me  to  put  in  some  soda  to 
sweeten  the  dough.  She  did  not  say  what  kind,  so  I  put 
in  sal-soda.  Then  I  kneaded  the  sponge  with  my  hands 
and  after  that  I  needed  liniment.  But  as  sour  as  the 
dough  was,  I  put  it  in  the  oven  and  baked  it.  When  I 
took  it  out  it  weighed  more  than  it  did  in  the  form  of 
tdough.  I  again  called  my  sister  to  get  her  opinion  of  it. 
She  laughed  and  said  : 

"I  would  pronounce  that  asbestos.  You  could  not 
drive  a  tack  in  that  bread.  I  would  advise  you  not  to  take 
it  to  the  church ;  if  you  do,  don't  let  any  one  know  you 
are  my  brother." 

I  was  stubborn  and  set  in  my  ways,  however,  and 
was  determined  to  see  a  few  of  the  members  tackle  it.    I 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 


49 


also  baked  four  dozen  cookies  which  I  wanted  to  take 
along,  but  I  could  not  get  them  out  of  the  pan  without  a 
cold  chisel.  After  a  fruitless  effort  to  remove  them 
whole,  I  concluded  the  cookies  and  pan  were  good  friends, 
as  they  seemed  to  be  stuck  on  each  other. 


SHE  TOLD   ME3  TO   PUT  IN   SOME   SOHA  TO  SWEETEN  THE   DOUGH. 

With  a  heavy  heart  and  a  batch  of  sad  bread,  I  found 
my  way  to  the  church  in  due  time.  I  w^nt  into  the  league 
room  where  I  noticed  a  long  table  loaded  down  with  all 
kinds  of  bread.     On  each  batch  was  a  card,  giving  the 


50  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

name  of  the  baker.  I  put  my  bread  on  the  table  and  when 
no  one  was  looking  took  the  card  from  the  finest  loaf 
there  and  put  it  on  mine.  I  put  my  card  on  the  good  loaf. 
I  felt  some  better.  I  cleared  up  my  throat,  looked  inno- 
cent and  started  around  to  shake  hands  and  mix  up  with 
the  people  and  act  kind  of  sociable  like,  as  though  there 
had  been  nothing  doing.  Presently  a  robust  young  man 
sidled  up  to  me  and  said  he  would  like  to  speak  to  me  a 
minute  on  the  outside.  I  did  not  know  what  he  wanted, 
neither  did  I  know  I  had  been  discovered  changing  the 
cards  on  the  bread.  I  went  with  him  out  back  of  the 
church.     The  net  result  was  something  like  this  :    !    ! !  ! ! ! 

It  was  fully  four  weeks  after  that  before  I  was  able 
to  leave  the  hospital. 


THE  RAZOR  BACK  HOG. 


\^^^  N  Arkansaw  we  do  not  raise  the 

Early  Rose,  the  Late  Drum- 
Head,  the  Norman  nor  the 
Northern  Spy  hogs;  but  just 
plain,  simple-minded,  pickerel- 
faced  razor  backs.  They  can 
outrun  a  horse  and  drink  out  of  a 
bottle  with  the  ease  and  grace  of 
a  shitepoke.  They  have  much 
hope  of  posterity,  but  no  pride  of 
ancestry.  Every  bevy  of  razor 
backs  must  have  a  leader.  This 
leader  is  known  as  the  bell  sow. 
She  is  so  called  because  she 
wears  a  bell  that  her  where- 
abouts may  be  known  at  all 
times.  She  leads  the  other  hogs 
usually  where  they  are  not  wanted.  They  generally  break 
into  a  farmer's  cornfield  and  then  trouble  begins.  He  sets 
his  dogs  on  them,  but  that  does  no  good  as  they  are  too 
fleet  footed. 

From  Turkey  Trot,  Arkansaw,  to  the  Missouri  line  is 
forty-seven  miles  as  the  crow  flies.  A  good  swift  bell- 
sow  can  make  the  round  trip  in  seven  hours  and  forty 
minutes.  The  razor  back  is  the  only  brand  of  hogs  to  be 
seen  at  an  Arkansaw  fair.  No  Arkansaw  farmer  would 
have  a  hog  that  could  not  outrun  a  negro. 

In  the  spring  of  1872,  Arkansaw  almost  had  a  hog 
famine.     There  was  an  unusual  fall  of  rain,  consequently 

51 


52 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 


a  lot  of  mud.  The  hogs  that  year  got  their  tails  so  heav- 
ily balled  up  with  clay  that  it  tightened  their  hides  so  they 
could  not  close  their  eyes.  Consequently  nearly  every 
hog  in  the  State  died  for  want  of  sleep. 


CONSEQUENTLY    NEARLY    EVERY    HOG    TN    THE    STATE    DIED    FOR 
THE     WANT     OF     SLEEP. 


The  dry  seasons  in  Arkansaw  also  work  a  hardship  on 
the  razor  backs.  I  have  known  it  to  be  so  dry  there  that 
the  farmers  were  compelled  to  soak  their  hogs  in  water 
before  they  would  hold  swill. 


SITTING  UP  WITH  A  CORPSE. 

HEN  our   folks  lived    in   Rose- 
burg,  Oregon,  I  had  more  youth 
than    experience.     I    was    am- 
bitious then  and  wanted  to  earn 
my  first  dollar.     I  was  willing 
to   turn   my   hand   to   anything 
that  was  honorable.     The  fam- 
ily was  camping  in  a  Methodist 
parsonage  at  the  time.    We  were 
glad  to  be  there,  as  it  saved  us 
making  a  bluff  that  we  were  able 
to   pay   rent.     I   remember   the 
town  folks  were  always  kind  to  emigrants.     One  day  a 
man  came  to  the  parsonage,  and  said  to  ma : 
"I  understand  you  have  two  boys?" 
"Yes,  sir,"  ma  replied. 

"Well,  I  would  like  to  hire  one  of  them  to  sit  up  with 
a  corpse  tonight.  An  old  man  has  just  passed  away.  The 
Odd  Fellows  will  take  care  of  the  remains,  as  he  has  no 
relatives.  Now,  if  you  would  like  to  have  one  of  your 
boys  come  dovm  and  sit  up  we  will  pay  him  $2." 

Before  ma  had  time  to  say  anything.  I  said :  "I'll 
go,  mister." 

He  said  I  must  be  there  about  dark  and  stay  until  7 
o'clock  the  next  morning.  The  idea  of  me  earning  $2 
in  so  short  a  time  gave  me  hot  flashes  and  made  me  dizzy 
for  a  moment. 

53 


54 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 


The  man  showed  me  a  vacant  house  wherein  lay  the 
corpse.  This  building  was  about  three  feet  off  the 
ground,  stood  on  stilts  in  the  center  of  a  half-acre  tract 
and  was  fully  two  blocks  from  any  other  house. 


TUB  CORPSE  WAS  LAID  OUT  ON  A  COUPLE  OF  PIXE  BOARDS  WHICH 
RESTED  ON  SAW  HORSES. 


Night  came  and  I  believe  the  darkest  one  I  had  ever 
seen.  The  corpse  was  laid  out  on  a  couple  of  pine  boards 
which  rested  on  saw  horses.  There  was  only  one  lamp 
and  that  gave  a  dim  light.  There  were  eight  windows 
and  no  blinds.     As  I  sat  in  one  corner  watching  that 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 


55 


corpse  a  rain  storm  came  up  and  the  wind  howled  and 
whistled  as  I  had  never  heard  it  before.  The  night  grew 
darker  and  the  rain  beat  against  the  window  panes  like 
hail.     The  wind  grew  fiercer  and  actually  seemed  to  say 


I  FELL  ON  MY  KNEES  AND  REPEATED  THE  ONLY  PRAYER  I 
KNEW  BY  HEART. 

something  as  it  shrieked  and  moaned  around  that  house. 
By  this  time  I  wished  that  I  was  back  in  the  parson- 
age.    I  knew  that  I  could  not  stand  that  ghost-like  drama 
very  long,  or  there  would  be  a  new  emigrant  boy's  face 


S6  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

flitting  from  branch  to  branch  in  another  world.  Just 
as  the  storm  was  kicking  down  fences,  tearing  shingles 
off  the  roof  and  beating  its  tail  against  the  side  of  that 
haunted   house  my   pulse   stopped.     I   heard   the    wild 


I    JUST    WENT     THROUGH    THE    WINDOW    NEAREST     TO    ME     AND 
BROKE    FOR    THE    PARSONAGE. 

screams  and  harrowing  wails  of  cats  under  the  floor. 
They  yelled  and  howled  like  demons  from  the  infernal 
regions.  It  seemed  to  me  that  all  the  cats  in  Douglas 
County  had  come  together  that  night.  They  climbed 
upon  the  window  sills  and  tried  to  get  in.     Their  eyes 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE.  57 

looked  to  me  like  great  balls  of  fire.  I  could  not  stand 
this  awful  suspense.  I  fell  on  my  knees  and  repeated 
the  only  prayer  I  knew  by  heart.  At  the  same  time  I 
kept  one  eye  on  the  corpse  and  the  other  on  the  cats, 
trembling  like  a  leaf  as  I  listened  to  that  fearful  storm. 
I  finally  took  the  lamp  and  went  into  the  adjoining  room, 
a  room  which  had  been  used  as  a  kitchen.  While  in 
there  the  door  blew  open  and  put  out  the  light.  Then  I 
was  in  the  dark,  and  could  hear  the  cats  coming  in  at 
the  door.  The  first  thing  I  thought  of,  was  to  pray  some 
more,  but  to  save  my  soul  I  could  not  think  of  one  word 
of  that  prayer.  I  did  not  have  a  match.  I  didn't  even 
have  a  vest  where  I  could  feel  for  a  match.  I  remem- 
bered as  I  went  into  the  kitchen  of  seeing  a  shelf.  I  felt 
along  it  for  a  match  and  fortunately  for  me  I  found 
some.  I  lighted  the  lamp,  got  the  cats  out  and  then  I 
went  back  into  the  room.  The  sheet  had  been  partially 
dragged  from  the  corpse  and  the  face  was  turned  to  one 
side.  My  first  impulse  was  that  the  old  man  had  come 
to  life  and  wanted  to  turn  over.  I  did  not  stop  to  think 
that  the  wind  had  blown  the  sheet  off.  I  put  the  lamp 
on  the  table  and  went  away.  I  was  in  no  rush  about  it. 
I  just  went  through  the  window  nearest  to  me  and  broke 
for  the  parsonage.  When  I  landed  against  the  door  out 
of  breath  and  with  a  bleeding  face,  ma  w^as  almost  fright- 
ened to  death.  It  took  her  an  hour  to  pick  the  window 
glass  out  of  my  cheeks,  chin  and  forehead.  My  nerves 
were  so  shattered  that  she  had  to  sit  up  with  me  for  two 
weeks. 


YEARNED  TO  BE  A  MERCHANT. 


BELIEVED  from  the  time  I  was  two 
years  old  that  I  was  cut  out  for  a  mer- 
chant. As  long  as  I  had  to  stay  on  the 
farm,  however,  and  put  in  my  time  cut- 
ting briars  out  of  fence  corners  and 
pulling  parsley  for  the  hogs  my  chances 
were  slim.  One  day  I  yoked  up  a  pair 
of  sway-back  steers  and  hauled  a  load 
of  wood  to  town,  just  to  rest  up  and 
take  a  day  off  so  to  speak.  It  was  im- 
possible to  sell  wood  or  anything  else 
for  cash.  It  was  a  plain  case  of  barter 
every  time.  I  drove  up  to  Jasper  K. 
Jones'  store  in  the  town  of  Fayetteville, 
the  county  seat  of  Washington,  which 
is  on  the  road  to  Evening  Shade.  It  is 
five  miles  from  Post  Oak  Flat,  in  Allen 
township,  state  of  Arkansaw.  I  asked  Mr.  Jones  if  he 
could  use  a  load  of  wood. 

"Oh,  I  don't  know,  my  son. 
for  it?" 

"Fifty  cents  in  trade,"  I  said. 

"Well,  I  guess  I'll  take  it ;  just  drive  around  back  of 
the  store  and  unload." 

After  the  wood  had  been  corded  up  I  went  into  the 
store  and  selected  a  fifty  cent  purse.  I  do  not  know  why 
I  picked  out  a  purse,  for  I  had  no  more  use  for  one 
than  a  rooster  has  for  a  silk  hat. 

58 


How  much  do  you  want 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 


59 


I  thought  it  a  good  time  to  see  about  becoming  a 
merchant,  as  Mr.  Jones  had  plenty  of  time  to  talk  that 
day.     I  braced  myself  up  and  went  at  him : 

"How  would  you  like  to  hire  a  boy,  Mr.  Jones?" 


I    ASKED   MR.    JONES    IF   HE    COULD    USE    A    LOAD   OP   WOOD. 


"What  kind  of  a  boy?"  he  asked. 

"My  kind,"  I  said. 

"What  is  his  age?" 

"My  age." 

"What  is  his  name?" 


6o  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

"Same  name  as  mine." 

"Oh,  yes,  I  see,  I  understand  exactly;  you  are  the 
boy." 

"Yes,  sir." 

"What  is  your  idea  of  remuneration?" 

"What's  my  which?" 

"I  say,  what  salary  would  you  expect?" 

"Well,  for  the  first  six  months  you  need  not  pay 
me  anything.  I  \y\\\  be  satisfied  with  just  what  I  can 
pick  up  around  the  store." 

He  came  to  the  conclusion  somehow  that  he  would 
not  need  a  boy  before  spring. 


PILL  JUGGLERS. 


HEN  the  Pharmaceutical  Associa- 
tion held  its  annual  convention  at 
Green  Bay,  Wis.,  the  mayor  handed 
over  the  keys  of  the  city  and  the 
band  played  "Welcome  ye  Sinners, 
Welcome." 

The  exercises  were  opened  with 

a   big  entertainment   at  the  opera 

house.     The  committee  had  me  on 

the  program  for  a  short  dissertation 

on  incompatibles.     The  following  is  what  I  said  in  part. 

The  reason  I  only  gave  it  in  part,  was  because  I  was 

never  allowed  to  finish  it: 

"Fellow  citizens  and  brother  graduate  lifters.  I  do 
not  know  why  I  have  been  called  upon  to  address  you 
on  this  occasion.  I  am  not  a  druggist.  Although  I 
did  serve  an  apprenticeship  of  three  years,  I  did  not 
learn  much  about  the  business.  I  was  washing  bottles 
most  of  the  time.  Speaking  of  incompatibles,  I  remem- 
ber one  afternoon  while  I  was  assiduously  separating 
dirt  from  the  bottles,  a  showman  came  to  town  with  a 
stereopticon.  He  dropped  into  our  store  and  ordered 
a  bag  of  oxygen.  My  employer  told  me  to  make  it 
and  be  in  a  rush  about  it,  as  the  customer  was  in  a  hurry. 
I  weighed  out  some  black  di-oxide  of  manganese  and 

6i 


62 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 


chlorate  of  potash.  I  put  it  into  a  coffee  mill  in  the  back 
room  to  grind  it  up.  Just  then  I  was  called  across  the 
street  to  witness  a  dog  fight.     There  was  another  ap- 


I    WAS    WASHING    BOTTLES    MOST    OF    THE    TIME. 


prentice  in  the  store  and  I  told  him  to  turn  the  crank 
while  I  was  gone  and  I  hurried  to  the  scene. 

"I  do  not  know  how  many  times  that  boy  turned  the 
crank  of  that  coffee  mill;  perhaps  once,  perhaps  twice, 
but  I  do  know  he  went  away  without  leaving  his  address. 
He  had  no  choice  of  routes  when  he  left.     He  went 


1 

^H  ^^  --    "^ 

^ 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^HRT  ^'^'-' 

1 

TO  MAKE  MATTKK<  \Vol:.SE,  THE  FOUR  LITTLE  "COuXS'  I  HIRED 
TO  DISTRIBUTE  POSTERS  THREW  THEM  ALL  INTO  A  WELL 
AND     THEN     WENT     OUT     TO     PLAY. 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 


63 


through  the  roof  and  took  most  of  the  shingles  and  raf- 
ters with  him.  He  had  always  Ijeen  regarded  as  an 
honest  boy  and  had  never  been  suspected  of  taking  any- 
thing away  from  the  store  before.     I  can  not  say  whether 


HE    WENT    AWAY    WITHOUT    LEAVING    HIS    ADDRESS. 


he  found  anything  to  hold  to  up  there  or  not.     Anyhow 
he  never  came  back. 

"When  I  left  that  town  two  months  later  my  em- 
ployer was  hauling  lumber  to  rebuild  his  store.'"  At 
this  juncture  some  one  in  the  audience  with  a  rusty  voice 


64  'A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

hollered  out:  ''Rodents !"  and  the  curtain  fell.  I 
thought  for  a  while  that  the  interruption  was  an  acci- 
dent, but  I  afterward  learned  that  the  scene  shifter  knew 
his  business.  The  committee  apologized  and  told  me  if 
I  would  write  the  menu  that  would  conclude  my  part 
of  the  program.  The  next  night  at  the  banquet  the  fol- 
lowing was  served  cold,  and  all  members  not  in  good 
standing  were  invited : 

MENU. 

Pickled  Gamboge  Sliced  Allium 

Cream  of  Hydrargyri 

BAKED 

Baked  Cuttle  Fish,  with  Aqua  Fortis  Sauce 
Saratoga  Naphthalin 

BOILED 

Boiled  Fresh  Boneset,  with  ]Mezereum 

ROAST 

Roast  Hen-Bane,  with  Benzoin  Dumplings 

Prime  Ribs  of  Leptandrin,   with  Hydrastis  Canadensis  Sauce 

Loin  of  Seneca  Snake  Root,  with  Vini  Gallici  Dressing. 

ENTREES 

Dimethyl-oxy-quinizine  Pot  Pie,  Family  Style 

Minced  Pepsin  a  la  Credit 

Poke  Berries,  with  Sugar  of  Lead 

Pan  Roast  of  Colocynth,  with  Gum  Tragacanth  Stuffing 

Citrine  Ointment  on  Toast 

SOFT  STUFF. 

Pilocarpine  Sherbet 

WIND-UPS 

Shanghai  Egg  Plant  Salad,  Smothered  in  Carbon-Disulphide 

New  Frangula,  in  Cold  Cream 

Fresh  Capsicum  Pods  Mashed  Cinchona 


A  BUNDLE  OP  SUNSHINE.  65 

Belladonna  Pudding 

Digitalis  Pie,  Plain  or  Engraved 

lodoformizcd  Cheese,  Chloroformed  and  Emulsified  for  Summer  Use 

WINES  AND  WATERS 

Antimonial  Sec        Extra  Dry  Valerian  Schlitz,  Carbonized 

Permanganate  Fizz 

Ice  Water  Water  Cress  "Water"  You  Think  of  Us? 

Katzenjammcr 

R  Zn  S  O4  grs  XX        For  a  Chaser— Warm  Mustard  Water 


BAREFOOT  COURTSHIP. 


T  HAS  long  been  a  custom  in  Arkansaw 
to  fall  in  love  when  quite  young,  then 
court  for  four  or  five  years  and  some- 
times longer.  I  do  not  know  but  that 
the  plan  is  a  good  one.  It  gives  a  man 
a  chance  to  find  out  whether  or  not  his 
loved  one  toes  in,  and  be  sure  that  she 
tracks  just  right  and  does  not  interfere. 
A  girl  seldom  has  a  chance  to  walk  as 
she  should  in  the  summer  time,  as  she 
often  has  a  stone-bruise  on  one  of  her 
heels.  In  addition  to  this  she  frequent- 
ly has  a  sore  toe  or  two.  You  can 
imagine  how  she  would  appear  in  com- 
pany walking  around  with  both  heels 
off  the  ground  and  a  pillow  slip  around 
one  of  her  toes. 
One  sign  of  love  is  when  you  see  a  boy's  eyes  shin- 
ing around  the  door  casing  while  the  one  whom  he 
adores  is  passing.  He  is  always  backward,  awkward, 
gawky  and  bashful.  The  first  time  he  picks  up  the  cour- 
age to  speak  to  the  one  of  his  choice,  he  has  enlarge- 
ment of  the  feet.  They  seem  to  swell  up  on  him  like  a 
pair  of  canvased  hams.  His  hands  appear  to  him  like 
two  washboards  and  what  to  do  with  them  he  never 
knows. 


6C 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE.  67 

Two  miles  from  our  house  lived  an  old  residenter 
whose  name  was  Silas  Grimes.  His  only  daughter  was 
named  Matilda,  but  they  always  called  her  'Tilda  for 
short.  'Tilda,  to  my  mind,  was  the  prettiest  girl  that 
ever  made  tracks  in  Turkey  Trot  township.  Just  one 
glance  from  her  blue  eyes  was  enough  to  give  a  boy 
throbbing  of  the  heart.  I  had  known  her  for  several 
years  before  I  could  muster  up  the  courage  to  side  up 
to  her.  It  was  the  fashion  when  a  young  man  wanted 
to  get  acquainted  with  the  girl  whom  he  had  selected  to 
make  miserable,  to  meet  her  at  some  gathering  and  take 
her  home.  That  opportunity  was  usually  found  at  the 
meeting  house  after  the  evening  sermon.  He  would  stand 
outside  of  the  door  and  when  she  came  out  would  slip 
up  on  the  blind  side  of  her  and  say : 

"Can  I  tote  you  home?" 

If  she  sacked  him  then  he  might  just  as  well  go  to 
the  house  of  some  enemy  and  ask  him  to  turn  on  the 
dogs,  as  he  would  never  hear  the  last  of  it.  I  never 
cared  to  take  such  chances.  I  preconcerted  a  plan  of 
action  by  which  I  could  win  'Tilda's  hand  in  a  quiet 
way.  Knowing  that  "a  faint  heart  never  won  a  fair 
lady,"  I  thought  the  proper  thing  was  to  put  on  a  bold 
front  and  go  and  see  her.  It  was  the  custom  when  one 
went  courting  to  go  on  Saturday  evening  and  stay  until 
Monday  morning. 

About  sunset  one  Saturday  evening  I  set  out  barefoot 
for  the  Grimes  farm.  The  birds  along  the  roadside  were 
singing  their  songs  as  though  they  had  a  wildwood  gath- 
ering all  for  me.  A  fox  squirrel  ran  along  the  top  rails 
of  a  worm  fence  fearing  no  harm  from  my  hands.  The 
sun  sank  behind  the  western  slope  and  the  night  was 
given  up  to  the  music  of  crickets  and  frogs. 


68 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 


When  I  arrived  at  'Tilda's  house  I  stopped  at  the 
gate  and  gave  the  customary  alarm :  "Hello."  Before 
I  had  time  to  think  a  pack  of  yellow  dogs  came  from 
under  the  house  all  yelping  at  the  same  time.     'Tilda 


WHEN    I    ARRIVED    AT    'TILDA'S     HOUSE    I    STOPPED    AT    THE    GATE 
AND    GAVE    THE    CUSTOMARY    ALARM. 


came  out  of  the  house ;  grabbed  a  barrel  stave  and  drove 
the  dogs  back  under  the  floor  before  they  had  time  to 
jump  the  fence  and  tree  me.  Then  she  invited  me  to 
come  in.     As  I  went  in  she  blushed,  and  I  blushed.     I 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 


69 


took  a  seat  on  one  side  of  the  fireplace,  and  she  on  the 
other.  I  couldn't  think  of  a  thing  to  talk  about,  neither 
could  she.     We  just  kept  our  seats  and  went  right  on 


I     COULDN'T     THINK     OF     A     THING     TO     TALK     ABOUT,     NEITHER 
COULD     SHE. 


blushing.     For  a  whole  hour  I  sat  there  looking  into  the 
fireplace  for  salamanders  and  things  and  never  once  spoke. 
At  last  I  got  kind  of  brave  and  said  : 
"How  is  your  ma?" 


^)  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

"Oh,  she's  just  tolerable  like,  thank  you.  She's  perter 
than  she  was  and  able  to  sit  up  and  take  spoon  victuals. 
Her  and  pa  went  to  prayer  meeting  tonight,"  she  said. 

It  was  not  until  then  that  I  knew  we  were  all  alone 
and  that  I  had  the  chance  of  my  life  to  make  love  to 
'Tilda.  But  what  could  I  do?  Every  time  I  attempted 
to  speak  I  blushed  and  could  not  think  of  anything  any- 
way. Another  hour  of  torture  passed  with  unbroken 
silence.     At  last  a  mouse  ran  across  the  hearth  and  I  said  : 

"I  see  you  have  mice  at  your  house  same  as  we  have." 

"Yes,  sir,"  was  her  only  reply. 

Then  another  duration  of  painful  silence  set  in.  At 
last  she  told  me  the  room  for  company  was  upstairs  and 
I  could  go  there  any  time  I  liked.  The  upstairs  was  the 
loft,  and  the  stairway  was  a  ladder  leading  through  a 
hole  three  feet  square.  I  bid  'Tilda  good  night  and 
took  to  the  ladder.  I  was  glad  to  be  alone  once  more. 
I  crawled  into  the  straw  bed  and  thought  it  all  over.  I 
would  have  signed  a  contract  to  put  in  Grimes'  entire 
crop  free  of  charge  if  I  could  have  been  home. 

The  next  morning  I  heard  Mr.  Grimes  call  'Tilda. 
He  told  her  it  was  time  to  get  up  and  cook  breakfast. 
I  also  heard  him  joking  her  about  her  new  beau.  Then 
I  could  feel  my  face  turn  red.  I  made  up  my  mind  to 
get  out  of  that  house  some  way  and  go  home.  I  did 
not  want  to  stay  for  breakfast.  There  was  no  window 
through  which  I  could  make  my  escape,  but  I  soon  dis- 
covered a  stove  hole.  I  dressed  myself  and  tried  to 
get  through  that  hole,  but  I  could  only  go  part  way 
and  had  to  crawfish.  An  idea  dawned  upon  me  that  if 
I  should  remove  my  trousers  it  would  reduce  my  size, 
then  perhaps  I  could  get  through.  This  time  I  man- 
aged to  get  through  as  far  as  my  waist,  but  could  go  no 
farther,  neither  could  I  get  back.     I  was  stuck  as  fast 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 


71 


as  a  wooden  glut  in  an  elm  log.  It  was  an  awful  pre- 
dicament, and  to  make  matters  worse,  a  calf  had  found 
my  trousers,  which  I  had  thrown  to  the  ground,  and  was 
chewing  them  up. 


ALL     I     COULD     DO    WAS    WIGGLE     AND    WATCH     THAT     CALF    GET 
BUSY    WITH    MY    PANTS. 


Just  then  I  heard  Mr.  Grimes  calling  me  to  break- 
fast, but  I  could  not  answer  him  as  the  talking  part  of 
me  was  on  the  outside  of  the  house.  All  I  could  do 
was  to  wiggle  and  watch  that  calf  get  busy,  with  my 


72  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

pants.  It  wasn't  long  until  Mr.  Grimes  called  me  again, 
but  there  was  no  answer.  I  heard  him  climbing  the 
ladder;  he  wanted  to  know,  of  course,  the  cause  of  my 
silence.     He  said : 

"Good  morning." 

I  also  said :  "Good  morning,"  but  no  one  heard  me 
but  the  calf  and  it  was  too  busy  to  look  up.  Mr.  Grimes 
got  a  crowbar  and  pried  the  logs  apart  so  I  could  get 
back  into  the  room.     Then  he  hollered  down  the  ladder : 

"Ma,  you  an'  'Tilda  git  out'n  the  sittin'  room,  'case 
the  new  beau  is  comin'  down,  an'  he  ain't  comin'  head 
fust  nuther." 

When  I  got  out  of  that  house  I  saw  that  the  calf  had 
about  finished  my  pants  and  there  was  no  use  of  me 
hanging  around  there.  So  I  jumped  the  fence  and  broke 
for  home  pantless. 

In  order  to  avoid  meeting  any  one  I  took  a  new  cut 
road  and  as  luck  would  have  it  I  met  a  number  of 
boys  and  girls  returning  from  a  dance  over  at  Gilbert's 
schoolhouse.  I  passed  by  them  so  fast,  however,  that 
they  did  not  know  whether  I  was  a  boy  or  a  dog. 

Two  years  elapsed  during  which  time  I  never  laid 
eyes  on  'Tilda,  yet  I  loved  her. 

One  day  pa  sent  Bilh  and  I  to  clear  some  land  not 
far  from  the  Grimes  place.  I  looked  down  the  road  and 
I  saw  'Tilda  coming.  In  some  way  I  wanted  to  let 
her  know  that  I  still  thought  well  of  her.  Close  to  the 
road  was  a  hickory  tree  upon  which  I  was  chopping.  I 
thought  to  myself  that  when  she  came  up  even  with 
the  tree  I  would  show  off  some,  and  let  her  see  what 
an  adept  I  was  with  an  ax.  I  had  the  air  full  of  chips 
as  she  approached.  Just  then  one  of  those  rusty  lizards 
took  refuge  up  my  pants'  leg.  I  forgot  all  about  'Tilda 
in  my  mad  rush  to  remove  my  jeans.     This  did  no  good, 


A  BUNDLE  OP  SUNSHINE. 


73 


however,  as  the  Hzard  was  rapidly  journeying  up  my 
back,  and  before  I  knew  what  I  was  doing  I  had  also 
shucked  my  shirt  in  my  effort  to  get  rid  of  that  blue 
bellied  pest. 


THE    LIZZARD    WAS    RAPIDLY    JOURNEYING    UP    MY    BACK. 

When  I  came  to  my  senses  I  looked  around  for  'Tilda. 
She  was  not  to  be  seen,  but  down  the  road  a  mile  or  so 
was  a  big  cloud  of  dust. 

After  that  I  persuaded  pa  to  sell  out  and  emigrate 
to  Oregon. 


A  CEDAR  OF  LEBANON. 


URING  the  winter  of  1895  I  slipped 
into  the  state  of  Minnesota  unob- 
served. I  had  written  a  new  lecture 
and  I  wanted  to  try  it  on  strangers. 
The  old  saying-,  that  a  prophet  in  his 
own  country  is  a  dead  one,  is  correct. 
I  have  tried  it  and  know  whereof  I 
speak.  Bloody  treason  did  not  flour- 
ish over  me,  but  other  things  did. 

In  the  city  of  Brainerd  I  was  em- 
ployed by  the  Ancient  Order  of  United 
Workmen  to  give  an  evening  of  mirth. 
I  had  to  wait  several  days  as  the 
show  was  to  be  given  far  into  the  mid- 
dle of  the  month.  I  put  up  at  the 
"Rest  for  the  Weary"  hotel.  On  account  of  the  Baccha- 
nalian buffet  next  door,  there  were  plenty  of  weary 
men  who  certainly  needed  rest.  The  brand  of  squirrel 
whiskey  they  sold  would  kill,  embalm,  dry  up  the  insides, 
mummify  and  tan  the  hides  of  mice,  bugs,  birds,  rats,  dogs 
and  men. 

The  night  before  the  show  I  passed  through  that 
bureau  of  convenience.  Standing  at  the  bar  I  noticed  an 
old  man  bent  with  age  and  bent  on  getting  full  of  booze. 
His  much  out  of  place  soliloquy  caused  me  to  inquire 
who  and  what  he  was.     He  lived  up  in  the  woods  some 


74 


A  BUNDLE  OP  SUNSHINE.  75 

sixty  miles  from  that  place  and  about  twice  a  year  he 
came  to  town  for  the  purpose  of  collecting  a  well  regu- 
lated, hand  painted  symmetrical  jag.  When  he  had  col- 
lected about  so  much  he  would  forget  his  whereabouts 
and  talk  Scripture  to  himself.  While  he  leaned  over 
the  bar  I  heard  him  say : 

*'I  am  one  of  the  (hie)  cedars  of  Lebanon,  and  (hie) 
Moses  was  a  friend  of  mine." 

I  went  on  into  the  hotel  office,  picked  up  a  daily 
paper  and  took  a  chair  near  the  stove.  The  old  fellow 
came  in  shortly  afterward,  followed  by  his  dog.  He 
dropped  into  a  chair  near  me  with  his  faithful  canine 
by  his  side.  He  crossed  his  legs,  closed  his  eyes  and 
expectorated  in  any  direction  his  face  happened  to  be 
turned.  As  he  sat  there  with  wild,  feverish,  muddled 
thoughts  chasing  each  other  through  his  bewildered  brain, 
this  is  what  he  said : 

"I  am  one  of  the  cedars  of  Lebanon,  and  I  tell  (hie) 
you  right  here,  that  Pharaoh  w^as  no  friend  of  mine. 
He  was  a  plutocrat,  and  (hie)  Moses  gave  him  the  worst 
end  of  it.  Moses  was  a  square  (hie)  kind  of  a  fellow 
and  Pharaoh  tried  to  do  him  dirt.  Moses  told  (hie) 
Pharaoh  that  if  he  didn't  liberate  the  children  of  Israel 
he  would  rain  frogs  in  the  land  of  Egypt  nine  feet  deep. 
Pharaoh  gave  him  the  horse  laugh  (hie)  and  told  him 
that  nary  children  would  he  let  free,  and  he  could  start 
in  and  do  his  dirty  work  as  soon  as  he  liked.  Moses 
(hie)  took  a  turn  around  the  block  and  thought  it  all 
over.  (Lie  down,  Tige.  lie  down  (hie)  ;  don't  be  such 
a  bad  dog.  Til  (hie)  take  you  home  tomorrow).  He 
fully  decided  to  rain  the  frogs  just  to  show  Pharaoh 
that  he  was  as  (hie)  good  as  his  word.  Well,  say! 
you  ought  to  have  seen  that  shower  (hie)  of  frogs  com- 
ing down.     There  was  bull  frogs,  big  frogs,  slim  ones, 


76 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 


fat  ones    (hie),  green  frogs  and   frogs.     Pharaoh  had 
frog  horrors.     They  were  sticking  to  him  hke  glue. 

"Pharaoh  got   (hie)   sick  of  the  greenback  visitors 
and  sent  Moses  a  message  asking  him  to  report  at  his 


'I    AM    ONE    OF    THE    CEDARS    OF    LEBANON." 


office  as  soon  as  possible,  as  he  wanted  (hie)  to  see 
him  on  some  important  business.  Moses  laughed  in  his 
sleeve  when  (hie)  he  read  the  message  and  said  he 
guessed  he  had  Pharaoh  on  the  run.  WTien  Moses 
showed  up  at  Pharaoh's  office,  Pharaoh  (hie)  told  him 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE.  77 

if  he  would  clean  up  the  frogs  he  could  (hie)  go  over 
to  the  land  of  Goshen,  take  the  children  of  Israel  and 
get  clean  to  the  devil  (hie)  out  of  the  country.  (Lie 
down,  Tige  (hie) ;  lie  down,  you  snoozer,  and  behave.) 
Moses  ordered  his  carriage  and  drove  (hie)  over  to 
Goshen.  He  gave  orders  to  the  children  to  pack  up 
their  trunks  and  get  ready  (hie)  for  a  forty  years'  vaca- 
tion in  the  wilderness. 

"In  the  meantime  (hie)  Pharaoh  had  experienced  a 
hardening  of  the  heart  and  he  telephoned  (hie)  Moses  to 
please  report  at  his  office  again.  Moses  couldn't  think 
what  the  old  man  had  been  smoking,  but  (hie)  he  com- 
plied with  his  request  anyway.  Pharaoh  told  him  that 
he  had  changed  his  mind.  He  would  not  free  the  chil- 
dren from  bondage,  as  he  thought  (hie)  they  ought  to 
remain  under  his  protection.  Then  (hie)  Moses  got  his 
dander  up  and  called  Pharaoh  an  old  fossil  and  a  degen- 
erate, and  (hie)  furthermore  told  him  if  he  did  not  free 
the  children,  he  would  rain  lice  and  darkness  (hie)  all 
over  Egypt. 

"Pharaoh  laughed  at  his  threats  and  told  him  to  (hie) 
go  right  ahead  and  get  busy.  I  guess  he  was  the  busiest 
man  in  all  of  Egypt  for  a  while  (hie)  the  way  he  rained 
lice  and  darkness.  Say !  you  ought  to  have  been  there ! 
Egypt  was  the  lousiest  country  on  earth.  Moses  kept 
Pharaoh  guessing  more  than  the  city  election.  He 
hoisted  a  white  flag  and  cried  for  light  and  a  lice  clean  up. 
Yes,  he  told  Moses  to  take  away  the  plague  and  then  he 
could  (hie)  take  the  children,  skip  out,  and  stay  out.  So 
Moses  (lie  down,  Tige,  don't  be  so  nervous,  I'll  feed  you 
soon!)  boarded  a  horse  (hie)  car  and  went  back  to 
Goshen.  He  told  the  children  to  get  a  move  on  them- 
selves, as  they  had  to  start  out  that  night.  Pie  gave  (hie) 
orders  to  make  great  haste,  as  the  man  with  the  ossified 


78 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUXSHINE. 


heart  might  back  out  before  they  cotild  get  away.  They 
(hie)  were  all  well  on  the  road  to  the  Red  Sea,  when 
Pharaoh  had  another  bad  attack  of  hardened  heart.  He 
swore  he  would  overtake  Moses  and  the  children    and 


HE  SWORE  HE  WOULD  OVERTAKE  MOSES. 


bring  them  back.  So  he  called  out  the  State  Militia,  a 
lot  of  express  wagons,  chariots,  and  the  entire  police  force 
and  away  he  went  down  the  county  road  (hie)  after  the 
children,  dead  bent  on  overtaking  them.  Of  course 
Moses  and  the  children  had  a  cinch.     They  passed  across 


■I.  -n 

1-  y< 


■2  ^ 


H 
§^ 

He 

o> 

o 

HO 

K  O 

H  ?" 


A  BUNDLE  OP  SUNSHINE.  79 

the  Red  Sea  on  dry  land  and  reached  the  other  side  safely. 
Pharaoh  was  chump  enough  to  think  he  could  do  the 
same  (hie)  thing,  but  when  he  and  his  army  of  "lobsters" 
got  about  half  way  across,  they  all  at  once  inhaled  too 
much  of  the  water  and  that  settled  them.  But  that  is 
neither  here  (hie)  nor  there,  that's  all  over  with  now, 
but  for  all  that  I  am  one  (hie)  of  the  cedars  of  Lebanon. 
"Say!  Don't  you  know  that  I  have  been  married  three 
times?  My  first  wife  (hie)  was  a  terror,  that's  what  she 
was.  I  got  sick  of  her  one  day  and  left,  or  she  left  me 
(hie) — I  don't  remember  which.  My  second  wife  had  a 
crazy  notion  that  she  (hie)  wanted  all  the  furniture  in 
town.  She  (hie)  kept  talking  furniture  and  I  kept  buy- 
ing until  I  had  the  back  yard  full  of  it.  One  day  (hie)  I 
got  so  angry  at  her  that  I  broke  for  the  tall  pines.  I 
built  me  a  hut  (hie)  and  lived  there  for  eight  years  in 
peace.  One  day  I  went  to  a  little  town  (hie)  and  there 
I  met  a  woman  who  was  a  peach.  Say,  but  she  was  a 
dream  (lie  down,  Tige,  we'll  go  soon!).  She  had  on 
gorgeous  vestments  and  other  things.  I  fell  in  love 
with  her,  and  to  make  (hie)  a  long  story  short,  I  married 
her.  And  by  gosh,  we  hadn't  been  married  twenty-four 
hours  before  I  found  out  that  she  had  been  my  second  wife 
eight  years  previous.  (Lie  down,  Tige,  we'll  go  home 
soon,  old  fellow)." 

Then  the  old  man  passed  into  a  sleep  that  looked  good 
for  fifty  years. 


HOMESICK. 


AST  night  I  fell  asleep  and  began  to  dream. 
I  saw  a  horse  leave  his  oats  and  come  to 
me.  He  was  a  poor  old  meek-eyed, 
sway-back,  sore-footed  car  horse.  With 
a  sad  face  he  begged  leave  to  tell  me 
his  troubles.  I  told  him  to  go  ahead 
and  if  his  troubles  were  more  than  mine 
I  would  treat  him  to  a  bale  of  hay. 

"Speak  ye  not  jestingly,  kind 
sir,  for  I  am  almost  blind,"  he 
said.  "I  am  poor  and  weak. 
My  suffering  is  much  and  my  tor- 
tures are  many.  See  ye  not  my 
many  infirmities  ?  I  am  stricken  with  sweeney  and  bone 
spavin.  Look  at  that  pole-evil  on  my  neck.  My  ankles 
are  stocked  from  standing  in  bad  stalls.  See  ye  the 
length  of  my  fetlocks;  they  have  not  been  trimmed  for 
many  months.  Look  ye,  oh  sir,  with  tears  in  your  eyes 
and  a  sad  heart  at  the  string  halt  with  which  I  am  afflicted. 
I  am  a  victim  of  the  heaves,  caused  by  eating  dusty  hay 
through  the  neglect  of  my  hostler.  He  never  wets  my 
feed  nor  does  he  pick  the  briars  out  of  my  hay.  For 
many  years — I  say  years  because  our  years  are  months — 
I  have  been  in  the  carette  service  running  from  the  Union 
depot  to  North  avenue,  in  Chicago.  I  have  had  hundreds 
of  hard  falls  on  the  cobble  stones  from  wearing  slick 

80 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE.  8i 

shoes.  I  am  weary  of  life  and  my  days  are  numbered. 
Through  the  cold  blasts  of  winter  and  the  sweltering 
heat  of  summer  I  have  draw^n  these  carettcs  without  com- 
plaining and  now " 


'MY    SUFFERING     IS     MUCH    AND     MY    TORTURES     ARE    MANT." 


"Excuse  me,  oJd  horse,  for  interrupting  you,  but  I 
will  go  this  minute  and  see  the  officers  of  the  Humane 
society;  they  will  take  up  your  case  at  once." 

As  I  started  toward  the  city  hall  the  horse  grabbed 
me  by  the  coat  with  his  teeth  and  lifted  me  off  the  ground. 


82  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

"I  entreat  thee  to  listen  to  my  pleading.  Be  thou 
not  in  great  haste,  for  in  it  the  speed  is  slow.  Know  ye 
not  that  the  Humane  society  is  no  longer  worthy  of  that 
name?  Better  far  it  be  called  the  Hot  Air  League. 
Thou  can  see  with  thine  own  eyes  that  I  am  reduced  to 
a  stack  of  bones  waiting  for  that  Humane  society  to 
come  and  rescue  the  perishing.  Turn  thou  not  away, 
but  rather  bestow  upon  me  a  great  blessing.  Gather 
together  a  few  shekels,  buy  me  from  my  owner  and 
lead  me  to  my  home  in  Indiana.  There  turn  me  loose 
in  the  green  fields  of  high  grass  where  the  running  brooks 
are  many.  I  know  I  am  only  a  horse  but  I  have  feeling. 
Would  thou  seek  to  take  my  place  and  draw  that  carette 
for  a  single  day  and  allow  the  driver  to  beat  the  hair  off 
thee?  I  have  many  times  prayed  that  I  might  be  a 
mule.  Then  I  would  kick  in  the  dashboard  of  that 
carette.  I  would  fear  no  prosecution  for  being  the  direct 
cause  of  the  driver's  funeral.  But  that  is  not  my  dis- 
position. I  have  always  been  kind,  gentle  and  easy  to 
curry  from  my  colthood.  I  implore  thee,  good  sir,  to 
grant  me  the  favor  I  have  asked.  Lead  me  to  my  home 
that  I  may  escape  the  awful  stigma  which  will  be  inflicted 
upon  me.  It  is  my  last  request,  please  take  me  away, 
sir,  for  the  thoughts  of  dropping  dead  on  the  streets  of 
Chicago  will  certainly  drive  me  mad." 

I  awoke  with  a  start,  sat  up  erect  and  looked  wildly 
about  me;  and  then — I  swore  I  would  take  the  deviled 
ham  and  mince  pie  cure  before  the  setting  of  another  sun. 


A  COLOSSAL  JOKE. 


URING  the  peach  jubilee  at  Benton 
Harbor,  Mich.,  last  fall  a  body  of 
twelve  prominent  men  formed  a 
committee  to  plan  a  joke  that  would 
stag-ger  the  United  States  and  the 
northern  part  of  Missouri.  They 
advertised  that  on  the  last  day  of 
the  carnival  the  Hon.  Perry  Jimp- 
son,  of  Kansas,  would  address  the 
people  of  Benton  Harbor.  The 
joke  was  kept  as  quiet  as  a  "bone 
orchard."  The  committee  had  no 
intention  of  even  inviting  the  Hon- 
orable Jimpson  to  deliver  an  ad- 
dress. Mr.  Steve  Bunton,  a  member  of  the  committee, 
was  sent  to  Chicago  to  look  up  a  humorist.  He  discov- 
ered me  in  my  office,  which  is  on  Clark  street  under  an 
awming.  He  told  me  of  the  committee's  plan  and  how 
it  expected  to  carry  out  the  joke  to  a  successful  end. 
He  said  the  object  of  his  trip  to  Chicago  was  presumably 
on  business,  but  ostensibly  to  hire  me  to  impersonate 
Perry  Jimpson  in  an  address  to  what  w-as  expected  to 
be  one  of  the  largest  crowds  that  Benton  Harbor  had 
ever  held.  He  wanted  to  know  if  I  had  ever  made  a 
political  speech.  I  told  him  that  was  just  where  I  was 
at  home.     I  had  stumped  seven  different  states  for  seven 

8? 


84  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

different  parties.  1  was  never  on  the  winning  side,  how- 
ever, but  I  made  the  speeches  just  the  same.  He  allowed 
that  I  could  fill  the  bill  and  named  the  amount  set  aside 
for  a  joke  of  that  size.     I  accepted  his  offer. 

On  his  return  to  Benton  Harbor  he  reported  his 
success  to  the  other  members  of  the  committee  and  Jimp- 
son  day  was  thoroughly  advertised.  The  daily  papers 
boomed  the  coming  of  the  distinguished  man,  although 
the  editors  were  ignorant  of  the  joke.  This  was  not 
right,  however,  as  the  newspaper  men  should  have  been 
at  the  head  of  the  committee.  There  is  no  use  to  try 
to  keep  a  secret  from  the  newspapers.  It  may  be  hidden 
for  a  time,  but  sooner  or  later  they  \\\\\  get  you  sure. 
The  committee  advertised '  half-fare  on  all  railroads. 
Everything  was  moving  along  just  about  right  and  the 
prospects  for  a  big  crowd  were  good. 

Mr.  Bunton  kept  up  a  continual  correspondence  with 
me  to  satisfy  himself,  as  well  as  the  other  members  of 
the  committee,  that  I  would  not  disappoint  them. 

I  had  never  seen  the  Honorable  Jimpson,  and  did 
not  know  what  kind  of  a  looking  man  he  was.  Neither 
did  I  know  to  a  certainty  what  political  principle  he  advo- 
cated. 

I  set  about  to  look  up  his  political  career.  All  this 
I  found.  He  had  been  sent  to  congress  three  times  and 
had  lived  long  enough  to  be  seventeen  years  older  than 
I  am.  I  also  learned  that  he  was  not  hoseless,  but  a 
club  gentleman,  a  man  of  letters,  dignified,  learned,  cul- 
tured and  could  dally  with  philosophy  and  rhetoric  like 
our  old  high  school  chum — Socrates.  All  this  for  a  mo- 
ment caused  me  to  weaken  on  the  impersonation  which 
I  had  promised  to  give,  as  it  is  difficult  for  a  man  who 
only  runs  about  seventeen  in  deportment  to  impersonate 
another   who   has  his   walls  plastered   with   sheepskins. 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 


85 


My  first  dress  rehearsal  was  in  trying  to  look  seventeen 
years  older.  I  sprouted  a  full  growth  of  whiskers  about 
ten  days  long,  which  resembled  pin  feathers  more  than 
anything  else. 


I    BOWED    LOW    TO    THAT    ORKAT    MULTITUDE. 


The  dreaded  day  came  at  last.  Mr.  A.  M.  Gammond, 
one  of  the  members  of  the  committee,  was  sent  to  Chi- 
cago to  meet  the  Honorable  Jimpson  and  escort  him  to 
Benton  Harbor.  When  he  met  me  he  was  very  liberal 
with  his  compliments  on  my  makeup.     I  had  my  hair 


86  A  BUNDLE  OF  SI'S' SHINE. 

and  pin  feathers  painted  an  iron  gray.  I  wore  eye  glasses 
and  walked  something  like  a  before  taking  patent  liver 
medicine  advertisement.  This  was  no  reflection  on  Mr. 
Jimpson,  but  I  assumed  the  look  in  order  to  appear  old 
enough.  I  wore  a  tight  hacking  cough  and  a  cane  to 
complete  the  makeup. 

Mr.  Gammond  asked  me  on  the  train  if  I  was  subject 
to  stage  fright  or  thought  I  would  get  nervous.  I  told 
him  there  was  no  backwardness  in  my  makeup,  as  any 
man  who  was  brave  enough  to  live  through  two  winters 
in  Chicago  could  go  to  Africa,  fight  lions  in  the  jungles, 
then  marry  a  lady  barber  on  his  return. 

In  due  time  the  train  rolled  into  the  station.  About 
2,000  people  were  waiting  to  welcome  the  hero  of  the 
day.  Carriages  were  lined  up  on  all  sides.  The  brass 
band  struck  up  with  that  familiar  march,  "George  Wash- 
ington." As  I  stepped  off  the  car  Mr.  Gammond  intro- 
duced me  to  the  entire  committee  and  I  was  shown  the 
carriage  in  waiting  where  I  took  my  seat  with  other 
celebrities.  As  the  procession,  headed  by  a  band,  start- 
ed over  the  line  of  march  hundreds  of  people  on  both 
sides  of  the  street  sent  up  loud  cheers  of  welcome.  I 
bowed  low  to  that  great  multitude  and  showed  my  appre- 
ciation for  their  cordial  reception.  When  our  carriage 
stopped  at  the  Hotel  Benton,  the  reception  committee 
escorted  me  to  my  quarters.  All  eyes  were  upon  me. 
For  once  in  my  life  I  had  the  extreme  pleasure  of  feel- 
ing that  I  was  a  great  man ;  a  man  of  notoriety  and  a 
brainy  speaker.  After  hurried  introductions  to  some  of 
Benton  Harbor's  pleasant  citizens,  I  was  led  to  the  scaf- 
fold, or  rather  a  temporary  platform  in  front  of  the 
hotel.  Mr.  Gammond's  brother  had  the  honor  of  intro- 
ducing me  to  20,000  people  as  the  speaker  of  the  day. 
I  may  say  here  that  he  knows  how  to  introduce  men  of 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE.  87 

note.  I  was  greeted  with  deafening  applause  which  lasted 
for  two  minutes.  As  well  as  1  can  remember  part  of 
my  speech  ran  as  follows : 

"Fellow  Citizens  and  Political  Friends:  Allow  me 
to  thank  you  for  the  enthusiastic  reception  and  the  high 
honor  which  you  have  bestowed  upon  me,  in  inviting 
me  to  address  you  on  this  occasion.  When  the  invita- 
tion was  read  at  my  home  in  Kansas  (that  was  a  lie,  I 
never  saw  Kansas),  I  assure  you  that  it  was  with  pride 
that  I  accepted." 

"Gosh  all  fish  hooks  that  feller  looks  tarnation  young 
for  Perry,"  I  heard  an  old  farmer  remark.  Then  I  as- 
sumed the  look  of  the  liver  medicine  advertisement. 

"My  friends,  with  all  your  tireless  preparation,  the 
presence  of  such  a  vast  gathering  of  people  and  the  glad 
hand  of  welcome  to  your  city  is  overwhelming." 

(Applause  and  cries  of  louder!  from  the  tops  of  build- 
ings and  telegraph  poles.) 

"I  have  been  in  many  countries  (that's  another)  and 
I  have  seen  many  orchards  of  fruit,  but  I  am  frank  to 
confess  that  here  at  your  festival  you  have  the  finest 
exhibition  of  early  rose  peaches  that  ever  grew." 

"You  are  right,  Perry,  that's  no  josh.  Three  cheers 
for  Jimpson,"  came  from  the  audience. 

"There  is  no  reason  why  you  should  not  have  the 
finest,  because  you  have  the  soil,  because  you  have  the 
climate,  because  you  are  industrious,  because  you  are 
not  afraid  of  work  and  because  you  are  ambitious  and 
made  of  the  right  kind  of  timber." 

Sickening  applause,  cries  of  "louder"  and  "down  in 
front." 

"Now,  my  friends,  I  want  to  say  a  few  words  to 
you  on  a  matter  of  very  grave  importance.  Do  you  know 
that  in  your  very  midst  there  is  lurking  a  mighty  blood- 


88  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

sucking  vampire?  You  have  been  taught  from  the 
cradle  that  you  are  living  in  a  land  of  liberty.  It  will 
not  long  be  so  if  you  do  not  respect  your  vote  as  you 
would  a  prayer  to  your  Creator.  This  vampire  I  speak 
of  is  hour  by  hour  and  inch  by  inch  crawling  upon  you 
to  rob  you  of  your  homes  and  liberty.  I  have  reference 
to  the  trusts  formed  during  this  administration." 

Applause  loud  and  long. 

"Think  well,  fellow  citizens,  think  well,  at  the  next 
election  before  you  cast  your  vote.  You  should  be  as 
careful  with  your  vote  as  you  are  with  your  peach  crop. 
If  you  do  not  raise  it  as  you  should,  that  is  your  fault. 
If  you  do  not  vote  as  you  should,  that  is  also  your  fault, 
and  the  time  will  come  when  combinations  will  raise  you 
clear  off  your  homestead.      (Thundering  applauses.) 


"In  conclusion  permit  me  to  say  a  few  words  on  the 
American  banking  system.  In  the  first  place  no  bank 
has  a  right  to  fail  only  by  an  act  of  God  Almighty.  I 
have  a  hundred  fold  more  confidence  in  a  three  ball  shop 
than  I  have  in  a  bank.  You  can  force  them  to  deal  hon- 
estly with  you,  but  you  can  not  a  bank.  You  will  notice 
that  every  time  a  bank  fails  a  sign  will  go  up  on  the 
door :  'Closed  on  account  of  inability  to  realize  on  secur- 
ities.' Right  then  and  there  the  officers  of  that  bank 
should  go  to  prison  for  life  and  if  they  tried  to  plead 
not  guilty,  the  judge  should  give  them  twenty  years  more. 
(Great  applause.) 

"In  my  mind  the  Chinese  have  the  proper  banking 
system.  There  has  been  but  one  bank  failure  in  that 
country  in  500  years.  In  case  of  a  failure  there  they 
cut  off  the  heads  of  the  officials.  I  thank  you  for  your 
attention." 


A  BUNDLE  OP  SUNSHINE.  89 

The  conclusion  was  received  with  loud  cheers  and  hip. 
hip,  hurrahs,  for  Jimpson. 

The  two  papers  of  the  town  did  not  go  to  press  until 
I  had  finished  my  address.  One  had  a  stock  picture  of 
Coxey  which  it  ran  with  the  following  comment : 

"Jimpson  is  here.     Talked  five  minutes  and  told  all  he 
knew.     Said  nothing  and  crowd  sold." 

When  Mr.  Gammond  read  that  he  said  he  thought  it 
best  for  me  to  return  to  Chicago  and  not  spoil  the  joke. 
I  did  not  care  so  much  about  spoiling  the  joke;  I  was 
afraid  some  one  might  spoil  me.  So  to  bring  about  a 
comfortable  feeling  I  got  out  of  there  for  Chicago  on  the 
first  train. 

This  happened  eleven  months  ago  and  I  understand 
the  papers  are  roasting  that  committee  yet.  The  funniest 
part  of  the  story  is — it's  the  truth. 


BONDING  THE  COUNTY. 


HEN  Washington  county,  Ark., 
was  bonded  for  a  railroad  a 
mighty  howl  went  up  from  every 
old  settler  around  Persimmon 
Ridge  and  Possum  Bottom.  They 
were  bitterly  opposed  to  one  of 
those  "pesky"  railroads  "spilin'  " 
the  farms  in  that  county.  With 
all  the  protests,  somehow,  the  road 
went  through. 

Some  time  after  that  a  report 
broke  loose  from  its  hitching  place  and  took  the  rounds 
that  Benton  county  was  also  about  to  be  bonded  for  a 
railroad.     The  farmers  entered  a  protest  at  once. 

Ezra  Tunson  was  the  county  road  supervisor  at  Ben- 
tonville.  He  was  a  true  type  of  the  men  in  that  section 
of  Arkansaw.  He  always  wore  a  bunch  of  oakum  on 
his  chin,  which  is  not  out  of  place  in  that  state.  No  one 
ever  saw  him  when  he  did  not  have  his  mouth  filled 
with  long  green  tobacco,  unless  some  one  offered  him 
"store  boughten,"  which  he  never  had  the  heart  to  re- 
fuse. He  had  a  pronounced  individuality.  When  he 
expectorated  bystanders  got  out  of  the  way.  His  chew- 
ing was  his  own  style  and  reminded  one  of  a  lively  to- 
bacco worm.  He  wore  butternut  trousers,  one  leg  of 
which  hung  over  the  strap  of  his  boot.     They  were  held 

90 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE.  91 

in  place  by  a  bed  tick  gallus.  The  connection  was  made 
by  means  of  a  hickory  peg  or  a  four-penny  nail ;  he  allowed 
that  was  good  enough.  If  he  disliked  anyone  he  would 
never  grant  them  the  smallest  favor.  One  of  his  neigh- 
bors, for  whom  he  never  had  much  use  because  he  fought 
in  the  Union  army,  said  to  him  one  day : 

"Ezra,  got  any  chawin'  terbacker?" 

"Nope,"  said  he;  "but  I  got  some  uv  the  all-firedest 
best  rosum  that  you  ever  stuck  a  tooth  in." 

On  account  of  Ezra  holding  the  office  of  road  super- 
visor the  farmers  all  looked  up  to  him  with  much  respect. 
On  any  Saturday  afternoon  he  could  be  seen  on  some 
street  corner  in  Bentonville  with  a  crowd  around  him 
discussing  the  evils  of  railroads.  No  matter  what  he 
said  the  listeners  all  reckoned  that  Ezra  was  right  about 
it. 

After  much  talk  they  decided  to  hold  a  grievance 
meeting  at  the  Elm  Creek  schoolhouse.  When  the  meet- 
ing opened  every  bench  in  the  house  was  filled  and  there 
wasn't  even  standing  room.  Ezra  being  the  phosphores- 
cent gleam  of  that  section,  was  of  course  called  upon 
to  speak  first.  He  took  his  corner,  grabbed  his  bunch 
of  oakum,  spit  over  his  chin  and  started  to  speak. 

"Well,  gentlemen,  I'll  tell  you,"  he  began  by  way  of 
introduction.  "You  kin  jist  talk  all  you  gosh  durned 
please,  but  I  hain't  in  favor  uv  bondin'  this  here  county 
fur  a  railroad.  Now  thar  they  bonded  Washington  coun- 
ty fur  a  road,  an'  the  cussed  thing  went  right  through 
Jim  Jones's  farm,  right  'twixt  the  smokehouse  an'  the 

corn  crib,  an'  dog  my  buttons  if  that  d fool  dog 

of  Jim's  didn't  run  hisse'f  clean  to  death  after  that 
confounded  train.  That  \vuz  the  fust  thoroughbreed  dog 
that  ever  hit  the  state.  He  had  a  pedigree  as  long  as  a 
fence  rail,  an'  fetlocks  ten  inches  long.       Besides  the 


92 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 


train  went  right  through  the  woods  an  jarred  all  the 
acorns  of  en  the  trees  and  starved  every  razor  back  to 
death  from  Pea  Ridge  to  Cross  Hollows.  An'  the  same 
train  hit  Bill  Evans'  bay  steer  in  the  hind  quarters  of  his 


■HE   HAD    A   PEDIGREE   AS   LONG  AS   A   FENCE    RAIL,    AN'    FETLOCKS 
TEN     INCHES     LONG." 

system  an'  knocked  'em  clean  into  White  river,  an'  I'li 
be  hanged  if  I'm  in  favor  uv  bondin'  this  here  county." 

With  this  Ezra  let  go  of  another  collection  of  long 
green  juice  and  almost  put  out  the  fire  in  the  stove,  then 
he  took  his  seat. 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUXSIIINE. 


93 


The  next   speaker  was  Cy  Willard.     He  was  very 
timid,  as  it  was  his  first  appearance: 


'AN-  THE  SAME  TRAIN  HIT  BILL  EVAXS'  BAY  STEER  IN  THE 
HIND  QUARTERS  OF  HIS  SYSTEM  AN'  KNOCKED  'EM  CLEAN 
INTO    WHITE    RIVER." 


"Feller  voters  of  this  here  township,  I  want  to  tell 
you.     I'm  a  man  uv  a  few  words  an'  I'm  through  talk- 


in. 


He  took  his  seat  and  the  meeting-  adjourned. 


MARK  ANTHONY. 

RUTUS  was  a  shrewd  ward  politician ;  and 
if  alive  today  would  without  doubt  be  a 
chronic  candidate  for  president  of  the 
United  States.  After  the  murder  of 
Csesar  he  entreated  the  citizens  to  allow 
him  to  depart  alone.  He  asked  them  to 
kindly  stay  and  hear  Mark  Anthony's 
speech.  We  will  picture  these  citizens  as 
a  gang  of  tough  Bowery  politicians,  and 
Anthony  as  a  clever  ward  heeler,  and  the 
smoothest  talker  that  ever  took  out  his 
second  papers.  And  we  will  say  that  his 
speech  was  delivered  yesterday  and  it  all 
happened  in  the  following  modern  style : 
1st  Cit.  "Say  fellers!  come  on  and 
stick  for  de  big  show,  see  ?  Markey,  old 
boy,  is  goin'  to  give  us  a  speil." 

2nd  Cit.     "Take  de  scaffold,  Markey,  an'  don't  get 
gay  wid.your  kiddin'." 

3rd  Cit.     "Dat's  right ;  if  de  guy  gets  fresh  we'll  t'row 
'im  in  de  sweat-house,  see?" 

Ant.     "For  Casey's  sake  I  am  beholding  to  you." 
4th  Cit.     "What  did  de  dub  say  'bout  Casey?" 
2nd  Cit.     "Oh,  I  don't  know ;  somethin'  'bout  holdin' 
'im  up.     If  de  guy  says  Casey  ain't  on  de  square,  we'll 
soak  'im  one,  eh  fellers?" 

94 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 


95 


1st  Cit.     "Yes,  an'  dat's  no  jolly." 

Ant.     "Friends,  politicians,  countrymen,  lend  me  your 


ears. 


3rd  Cit.     "Ah,  lend  yez  nothin';  do  yer  t'ink  we're  a 
tree  ball  game?" 


••FOR    CASEY'S    SAKE    I    AM    BEHOLDING    TO    YOU. 


1st  Cit.     "Well,  I  should  say  nit ;  not  on  yer  life." 
Ant.     "I  come  to  bury  O'Malley,  not  to  praise  him. 
The  evils  that  men  do  live  after  them;  the  good  is  oft 
interred  with  their  bones.     So  let  it  be  with  O'Mallev. 


96  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUX SHINE. 

The  noble  Casey  hath  told  you  O'Malley  was  ambitious. 
If  it  were  so,- it  was  a  grevious  fault;  and  greviously 
hath  0']\lalley  answered  it.  Here  under  leave  of  Casey 
and  the  rest  ( for  Casey  is  an  honorable  man ;  so  are  they 
all,  all  honorable  men)," 

1st  Cit.  ''Yes,  and  dat  ain't  no  kid.  De  hull  bunch 
of  dem  fellers  is  honorable  guys,  see?  Da  ain't  a  bad 
oyster  in  de  push." 

Ant.  ''Come  I  to  speak  in  O'Malley's  funeral.  He 
was  my  friend,  faithful  and  just  to  me.  But  Casey  says, 
he  was  ambitious ;  and  Casey  is  an  honorable  man." 

4th  Cit.  "Ah,  yer  said  dat  before  Markey.  'Course 
Casey  is  all  right.     He  is  de  wisest  guy  on  de  Bowery." 

Ant.  "He  hath  brought  captives  home  to  New  York 
whose  ransoms  did  the  general  coffers  fill.  Did  this  in 
O'Malley  seem  ambitious?  When  that  the  poor  have 
cried,  O'Malley  hath  wept:  Ambition  should  be  made 
of  sterner  stuff.  Yet  Casey  says,  he  was  ambitious; 
and  Casey  is  an  honorable  man." 

2nd  Cit.  "Say  Markey,  cut  out  dat  chewin'  'bout 
Casey's  honor,  or  we'll  tump  yez  in  de  troat,  see?" 

Ant.     "You  all  did  see  that  on  the  Lupercal — " 

3rd  Cit.  "Who's  de  tart  he's  talkin'  'bout— Lou 
Percal?" 

ist  Cit.  He's  got  me  skinned,  Mickie;  I  don't  know 
her." 

Ant.  "I  thrice  presented  him  a  kingly  crown,  which 
he  did  thrice  refuse.  Was  this  ambitious?  Yet  Casey 
says  he  was  ambitious ;  and  sure,  he  is  an  honorable  man." 

1st  Cit.  "Say,  INIarkey,  if  yez  don't  chop  on  dat  guff 
'bout  Casey  we'll  hand  yez  an  upper  cut  dat  yer  can't 
block,  see?" 

3rd  Cit.  "Wonder  what  kinder  dope  his  royaletts 
has  been  smokin',  eh?" 


A   BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE.  g; 

Ant.  "I  speak  not  to  disprove  what  Casey  spoke,  but 
here  I  am  to  speak  what  I  do  know.  You  all  did  love'him 
once,  not  without  cause ;  what  cause  withholds  you  then 
to  mourn  for  him  ?  O,  judgment,  thou  art  fled  to  brutish 
beasts.  And  men  have  lost  their  reason !  Bear  with  me 
my  heart  is  in  the  coffin  with  O'Malley,  and  I  must  pause 
'till  it  comes  back  to  me." 

1st  Cit.  "Say  fellers,  maybe  de  guy  is  givin'  it  to 
us  on  de  square." 

4th  Cit.  "I  guess  O'Malley  had  de  hooks  trown  into 
'im  and  got  de  worst  of  it." 

Ant.  "If  you  have  tears,  prepare  to  shed  them  now. 
You  all  do  know  this  Prince  Albert.  I  remember  the 
first  time  ever  O'Malley  put  it  on.  Twas  on  a  summer's 
evenmg,  m  his  tenement  house.  That  day  he  overcame 
the  Hoolahans.  Look!  in  this  place  ran  Sullivan's  dag- 
ger through;  see  what  a  rent  the  envious  Hogan  made." 

1st  Cit.  "Well,  dat's  all  right,  Markey,  why  didn't 
de  big  stiff  pay  his  rent,  eh  ?" 

2nd  Cit.  Oh.  quit  your  kiddin'  fellers,  Markey  is  giv- 
m' us  de  right  steer.  See?  He's  got  me  on  de  run,  and 
It  s  no  pipe." 

4th  Cit.  "Come  on,  all  of  yez,  and  we'll  go  down  to 
de  fort  ward  and  chew  up  every  cheap  guy  dat  had  a 
hand  in  puttin'  out  O'Malley's  light,  see?" 


LACERATED  ASPIRATIONS. 

Y  FOLKS  used  to  say  they  knew 
from  the  way  I  put  curls  on  my 
capital  letters  that  some  day  I 
would  be  a  newspaper  man.  I  had 
the  side  of  the  barn  and  all  the 
fences  around  the  place  covered 
with  capital  letters  made  with  the 
full  arm  movement.  After  I  grew 
old  enough  to  work  out  my  road 
tax  I  tried  my  hand  at  story  writ- 
ing. The  first  story — as  well  as  I  can  remember — was 
something  about  : 

"When  the  potato  winked  its  eye  and  the  cabbage 
bowed  its  head." 

It  was  a  sort  of  vegetable  courtship  anyway.  I  sent 
that  story  to  the  Portland  Oregonian.  I  received  a  letter 
from  the  editor  and  he  said  since  I  had  not  enclosed 
stamps  for  the  return  of  the  manuscript  he  had  sent  same 
to  the  business  manager  and  requested  me  to  correspond 
with  him.  This  I  did.  He  wrote  me  that  he  had  scanned 
the  story  and  would  publish  it  for  $23.  I  was  anxious 
to  see  my  name  and  story  in  print  and  the  money  was 
promptly  sent.  On  account  of  a  grave  mistake  on  the 
part  of  some  one  in  the  business  office,  my  story  was 
run  twice.  I  heard  afterward  that  the  mistake  cost 
the  paper  1,200  subscribers. 

98 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 


99 


I  then  went  to  Seattle,  Wash.,  and  called  at  the  office 
of  the  Post  Intelligencer.  By  telling  the  editor  a  lot 
of  stuff  about  myself  that  could  not  be  proven  in  a  court 
of  justice  I  was  put  to  work.     My  first  assignment  was 


I    TRIED    MY    HAND    AT    STORY    WRITING. 


easy.  I  was  sent  to  report  a  pink  tea  party  which  was 
to  be  given  by  a  Mrs.  J.  Henry  Walters.  I  did  the  best 
I  could  and  wrote  it  up,  as  I  tliought,  about  right.  Un- 
fortunately for  me  the  proof  reader  made  an  unpardon- 


100 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 


able  error.     The  story  was  printed  as  I  wrote  it  except 
one  word.     It  read  : 

"A  delig-htful  time,  etc.,  at  Mrs.  Walter's  'punk'  tea 
party." 


I   DID    NOT   KNOW  WHAT   HE   WANTED,    BUT    I    SOON    FOUND   OUT. 

The  editor  sent  for  me  and  then  told  me  the  book- 
keeper wanted  to  speak  to  me.  I  did  not  know  what 
he  wanted,  but  I  soon  found  out.     He  simply  said  : 

"The  boss  told  me  to  separate  you  from  your  earn- 
ings." 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE.  loi 

I  then  went  to  Spokane.  When  I  arrived  The  Daily 
Review  was  the  first  paper  in  my  mind.  I  told  the  editor 
that  I  was  a  reporter  and  had  worked  all  over  the  coun- 
try. He  employed  me  at  once.  The  first  assignment 
there  was  to  write  up  the  county  fair.  In  making  the 
rounds  of  the  fair  I  noticed  a  beautiful  painting.  I  gave 
some  little  space  to  this  remarkable  piece  of  art,  painted 
with  a  deft  hand,  etc.,  by  a  Mrs.  M.  F.  Warren.  I  turned 
in  my  copy  in  due  time  with  my  soul  filled  with  hope 
that  my  style  of  writing  would  please  the  editor.  As 
luck  would  have  it  the  proof  reader  again  got  in  his 
deadly  work.     The  story  read : 

"A  remarkable  piece  of  art,  etc.,  by  Mrs.  M.  F.  War- 
ren, which  she  painted  with  her  'left'  hand." 

The  editor  told  me  that  he  was  sorry,  but  the  book- 
keeper was  waiting  for  me  down  stairs. 


RIDING  A  BULL  CALF. 


ROTHER  BILL  was  seven  years  old- 
er than  me,  but  in  any  dangerous 
adventures  I  always  took  the  lead. 
Not  because  I  wanted  to,  but  be- 
because  of  his  orders.  Pa  was  op- 
posed to  us  riding-  calves  on  the  Sab- 
bath day,  or  any  other  day  for  that 
matter.  When  he  told  us  not  to 
do  a  thing  we  obeyed  him — some- 
times. 

We  had  one  calf  that  I  had  fed 
and  cared  for  from  the  time  it  was 
a  suckling.  We  planned  to  break 
it  to  the  saddle  at  the  first  oppor- 
tunity. It  soon  came.  Early  one  Sunday  morning  pa 
told  us  to  hitch  up  for  meeting.  We  put  some  straw 
and  five  or  six  raw-hide  bottom  chairs  in  the  wagonbed. 
Bill  winked  at  me  and  I  winked  at  him,  for  we  knew 
we  would  have  to  stay  at  home  and  take  care  of  things. 
In  due  time  every  member  of  the  family — except  Bill 
and  I — was  on  the  road  to  the  Ebenezer  meeting  house 
to  hear  the  new  preacher.     Bill  said  : 

"I  was  just  thinking  that  on  account  of  you  being  so 

much  lighter  than  me,  you  had  better  take  the  first  ride." 

I  did  not  object  as  I  knew  it  was  useless.     We  soon 

had  that  calf  looking  like  a  war  horse.     He  was  equipped 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE.  103 

with  a  blind  bridle  and  a  U.  S.  army  saddle.  Bill  helped 
me  to  mount  and  to  be  sure  that  the  calf  did  not  lose 
me,  he  tied  my  feet  together  under  his  belly.  Up 
to  this  time  the  calf  had  raised  no  objections.  He  was 
as  meek  as  a  lamb,  and  stood  chewing  his  cud. 

"Are  you  ready?"  Bill  asked. 

I  told  him  I  was  all  ready  but  that  I  didn't  know 
whether  the  calf  was  or  not.  1  asked  Bill  to  give  the 
calf  a  punch  with  a  fence  rail  and  see  if  he  would  start. 
That  was  tried  but  it  did  not  work.  Then  Bill  tried  to 
start  him  by  prodding  him  with  a  long  stick,  but  it  was 
no  use. 

"Get  up  there!"  Bill  yelled,  but  the  calf  made  no 
reply. 

I  then  suggested  to  Bill  that  he  twist  the  calf's  tail. 
That  was  a  happy  thought  for  Bill,  but  not  for  me.  The 
moment  Bill  took  a  twist  on  his  tail  he  let  out  a  sicken- 
ing bawl  and  went  into  the  air  about  seven  feet,  kind 
of  rainbow  fashion,  and  came  down  stiff-legged.  I  would 
not  have  thought  so  much  about  one  of  those  trips  in 
the  air,  but  the  air  habit  seemed  to  grow  on  the  calf  and 
he  spent  half  his  time  off  the  ground.  When  he  did  light 
each  time  I  was  sorry,  as  I  was  sure  to  lose  a  suspender 
and  a  lot  of  buttons. 

All  this  time  he  was  headed  for  Texas,  or  at  least  in 
that  direction,  at  a  high  rate  of  speed.  About  every 
forty  feet  he  would  let  out  that  bawl  and  then  take 
the  aerial  flight.  Ahead  of  us  for  two  miles  was  a 
worm  fence  built  along  the  roadside,  with  a  number  of 
peach  trees  scattered  along  in  the  fence  corners.  I  saw 
Mr.  Wilson  coming  down  the  road  with  a  mule  and  a 
cow  hitched  to  his  wagon.  He  had  my  sympathy,  for 
I  knew  if  he  did  not  get  out  on  one  side  we  would  run 
into  him  and  it  would  take  the  neighbors  an  hour  to  pick 


104 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 


Up  his  wreck.  Fortunately  he  discovered  that  the  calf 
was  running  away  and  he  left  the  road.  When  we  passed 
him  he  could  not  tell  whether  I  was  a  boy  or  a  dummy, 
for  by  this  time  the  calf  had  bucked  most  of  my  clothing 
off  me.     On  and  on  we  went  until  a  bunch  of  sand  shoats 


HE     LET     OUT     A     SICKENING     BAWL     AND     WENT     INTO     THE     AIR 
ABOL'T    SEVEN    FEET. 

jumped  out  of  a  fence  corner  terror  stricken.     This  gave 

the  calf  a  new  start.     He  went  into  the  air  higher  than 

ever  and  when  he  lighted   the  string  with   which  my 

feet  were  tied  broke  and  I  went  into  the  air  alone.     I 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 


los 


came  down  in  the  forks  of  a  peach  tree.  That  was  the 
last  I  remembered.  When  pa  was  returning  from  the 
meeting  house  he  discovered  a  strange  boy  in  that  tree. 
He  put  me  in  the  wagon,  while  all  the  folks  looked  on 


I  CAME  DOWN  IN  THE  FOKKS  OF  A  PEACH  TREE. 


with  pity.  When  they  reached  home  and  brought  me 
back  to  life  so  I  could  speak  they  found  out  that  I  was 
their  youngest  son.  Father  advertised  and  offered  a 
reward  for  the  calf,  but  he  was  never  heard  of  afterward. 


FIRST  APPEARANCE. 


PAIR    of    humorists    rained     into 
Spokane  one  day  for  the  purpose 
of  making  people  laugh.      They 
lectured  at  the  Auditorium  and  I 
went   to   hear   them.     I   thought 
well  of  their  humor,  and  several 
times  it  was  all  I  could  do  to  keep 
my   face   straight.     I    thought    I 
could  be  quite  as  funny  if  I  had 
a  chance. 
Shortly  after  that  I  went  to  the  man- 
ager of  the  opera  house  and  asked  him 
what  it  would  cost  for  his  play  house  per  night. 

"What  do  you  want  with  it?"  was  his  stagey  answer. 
**I  want  to  lecture  there,"  I  replied. 
"On  what  subject?" 
"Wit  and  Humor." 
"What  do  you  take  for  it?" 

"For  wit  I  will  take  the  stage,  for  humor  I  can  take 
Hive  syrup." 

"Do  you  know  the  present  price  of  eggs?" 
"I  am  not  joking.     I  mean  business,"  I  replied  with 
dignity. 

"Whom  do  you  suppose  would  attend  your  lecture?" 
he  sneeringly  asked. 

"I  do  not  know.     I  just  want  to  try  my  hand  and 
see  if  I  can  make  a  hit." 


io6 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 


107 


"Are  you  aware  of  the  fact  that  an  audience  can 
sometimes  make  a  'hit'  and  not  take  the  stage  either?" 
"I  do  not  mind  that,  as  I  have  arranged  for  an  armor." 


1    AM     NOT     JOKING.        I     MEAN     BUSINESS. 


"Well,  if  you  mean  business,  I  will  let  you  have 
the  opera  house  for  $150." 

"I  guess  you  misunderstand  me.  I  do  not  care  to 
become  a  stockholder  in  the  house;  I  just  want  to  rent 
it  for  one  night." 


io8  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

"Very  well  then,  since  it's  only  to  be  a  lecture  and 
you  will  not  require  the  stage  hands,  you  may  have  it 
for  $ioo." 

I  made  him  promise  to  stand  in  the  wings  of  the 
stage  the  night  of  the  lecture  and  after  it  was  over  to 
criticise  me  honestly,  and  tell  me  what  he  thought  of 
my  humor. 

I  billed  the  town  for  ten  days  with  yellow  posters. 
The  night  came,  the  great  asbestos  drop  curtain  went 
up  and  I  bowed  low  to  a  fair  sized  audience  of  smiling 
faces.  They  were  not  smiling  at  the  funny  things  that 
they  expected  to  hear,  but  at  my  nerve  in  making  my 
first  appearance  in  my  own  town.  I  met  quite  a  num- 
ber of  my  friends  the  next  day,  but  they  made  no  men- 
tion of  the  lecture  pro  or  con.  I  concluded  that  they 
did  not  like  to  discourage  me. 

I  went  to  the  opera  house  manager  and  asked  him 
what  he  thought  of  my  style  of  talk.     He  said : 

"Well,  I  don't  know  exactly,  but  if  you  want  an 
honest  criticism  from  me,  I  would  advise  you  never  to 
lecture  in  the  same  place  twice." 

I  asked  the  proprietor  of  the  Daily  Evening  Chron- 
icle— on  which  paper  I  was  employed  at  the  time — if  he 
would  allow  me  to  report  my  lecture.  He  said  he  would. 
This  saved  me,  as  I  took  the  opportunity  to  smear  en- 
comiums all  over  my  debut.  I  have  never  had  such  a 
chance  since.  With  this  panegyrized  press  notice  I  felt 
safe  in  making  a  tour  of  the  country.  I  could  not  afford 
to  employ  an  advance  agent,  so  I  decided  to  go  to  a 
town  and  hire  a  boy  to  go  up  and  down  the  streets  ring- 
ing a  bell,  and  at  the  same  time  give  the  alarm  that  I 
was  to  lecture  that  night  at  a  certain  hall. 

My  first  appearance  after  leaving  Spokane  was  in 
Wenatche.     There  was  no  hall  in  that  place  and  I  had 


A  BUNDLE  OP  SUNSHINE.  \o<) 

to  use  the  dining  room  of  the  hotel.  1  do  not  know  why, 
but  the  audience  there  seemed  to  be  very  obtuse,  as  there 
was  no  applause.  The  only  way  that  I  could  give  them 
light  on  the  subject  was  to  set  a  barn  on  fire. 

I  left  that  place  for  Puget  Sound.  I  may  say  here 
with  pride,  that  I  have  talked  longer  to  one  audience 
than  any  man  living.  Eight  days  and  nights  on  the  same 
subject,  and  no  one  left  me.  It  was  in  a  Pullman  car  in 
the  Cascade  Mountains,  on  the  Great  Northern  Railroad. 
We  were  snowbound  and  could  not  get  out  until  the 
snow  plough  came  to  our  rescue. 

When  I  arrived  in  Everett,  I  soon  completed  arrange- 
ments to  lecture  under  the  wing  of  the  Methodist  Church. 
The  night  of  the  show  was  a  stormy  one.  I  sat  in  the 
church  very  much  discouraged,  waiting  for  some  one  to 
come  in.  It  seemed  to  me  more  like  a  frost  than  a  rain- 
storm. At  about  8:30  o'clock  I  heard  the  ring  of  silver 
at  the  door.  The  rain  had  abated  and  the  people  were 
coming  in.  They  kept  on  coming;  men,  women  and  chil- 
dren. My  heart  grew  lighter.  On  and  on  they  came, 
until  the  church  was  packed  to  the  doors.  I  never  felt  in 
better  shape  to  get  funny.  I  made  a  rough  giiess  to 
myself  that  it  must  be  a  $200  house  at  least.  I  lectured 
on  the  history  of  my  past  life;  it  was  the  funniest  thing 
I  could  think  of.  I  talked  for  an  hour  and  eighty  min- 
utes. When  it  was  all  over  and  the  audience  had  gone,  I 
went  to  the  doorkeeper  with  a  smile. 

"We  had  a  full  house  tonight,"  I  remarked. 

"Oh,  yes,  a  large  one  for  this  town.  I  think  this 
church  never  held  so  many  people  before  at  one  time." 

"I  feel  complimented,  I  assure  you.  How  much  did 
you  take  in?" 

"Let's  see — the  receipts  are  $4.75." 


no  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

"Why,  how  is  that?  The  church  was  filled  with  peo- 
ple, and  I  calculated  that  it  would  be  a  $200  house  at 
least." 

"Well,  you  see,  most  everyone  here  tonight  belongs 
to  this  church,  and  I  did  not  think  it  was  right  to  charge 
them  admission." 

I  had  been  told  that  there  were  ups  and  downs  in  the 
business.  I  did  not  complain  to  this  generous  hearted 
doorkeeper;  I  just  moved  on  to  North  Yakima  the  next 
day.  I  was  told  there  that  it  was  positively  of  no  use 
to  give  a  show  in  that  place,  as  the  people  were  too  hard 
up.  A  panic  had  hit  the  town  and  there  wasn't  a  dollar 
in  circulation.  There  wasn't  anything  left.  Wall  paper 
was  not  used  any  longer.  The  people  had  their  houses 
papered  and  plastered  with  mortgages.  I  found  out 
that  the  only  way  I  could  get  a  crowd  to  hear  me,  was 
to  take  vegetables.  For  the  novelty  of  it  I  advertised 
my  lecture  thus : 

"Money  not  wanted.  Come  out  and  see  'A  Bundle 
of  Sunshine.'  Bring  your  children;  they  will  enjoy  it. 
Also  bring  along  some  farm  produce.  I  will  enjoy  that. 
I  am  easy  to  please  and  I  hope  you  will  be." 

I  played  to  a  crowded  house.  The  farmers  came  in 
from  all  directions  loaded  down  with  vegetables.  They 
seemed  to  appreciate  my  talk  very  much.  Some  of 
them  were  so  enthusiastic  that  they  playfully  tossed  up 
some  early  garden  stuff  to  me  while  I  was  on  the  stage. 
They  were  an  honest  lot  of  farmers  and  wanted  to  be 
sure  that  I  got  what  was  coming  to  me.  Of  course 
they  could  have  handed  the  vegetables  to  me  in  a  quiet 
way  or  left  them  with  the  doorkeeper,  but  they  had  lived 
so  long  in  the  far  west  fighting  Indians  and  chasing 
coyotes  that  a  habit  of  throwing  things  had  grown  upon 
them. 


'^jhjflim 

^^^^^■r  ^                 '^^^^^^^^^^^^^^1 

K''  .I^^^^H 

'^^^^^^H 

.^^^^^^H 

^^^.^>^)^IBI 

iBf^^^  MMaimHI 

.\  .?^^B 

^■^V^mSP^^^^H^^BHJ 

1    *      i 

Ml  "  NHh                     ^ >_^B 

-  B 

-  to 
n  a 

-  o 


.-/   BUNDLE  OF  SUXSHIXE. 


I  carried  out  the  program  as  advertised.  When  the 
audience  had  departed  I  carried  out  a  sack  of  flour. 

The  next  place  in  which  I  showed  was  Pasco.  There 
I  put  up  a  wire  fence  between  the  audience  and  the  stage 


THEY    PLAYFULLY    TOSSED    UP    SOME    EARLY    GARDEN    STUFF    TO 
ME     WHILE     I     WAS     ON     THE     STAGE. 


for  self  protection.  It  was  the  only  thing  I  furnished 
them  with  that  they  could  see  through  and  not  throw 
through. 


,-/   BUNDLE  OP  SUNSHINE.  113 

Three  days  afterward  I  landed  in  Mount  Idaho.  1 
went  to  the  only  hotel  in  the  town  and  asked  the  land- 
lord if  he  coukl  let  me  have  a  room. 

"No,  sir,   I  am  full,"  he  said. 

"I  hope  you  will  pardon  me,  sir,  but  your  face  shows 
it,"  I  sedately  replied. 

He  told  me  the  only  place  he  knew  of  where  I  could 
lodge  for  the  night  was  on  a  school  section  of  640 
acres  two  miles  east  of  town.  It  was  court  week  there 
and  every  room  was  filled.  On  this  account  I  could 
not  hire  a  hall.  Ail  I  could  do  was  to  book  myself  for 
the  next  season.  Through  idle  curiosity  I  went  to  the 
court  room  and  listened  to  the  district  attorney  exam- 
me  a  few  farmers  for  the  purpose  of  testing  their  quali- 
fications as  jurors.  One  man  was  quite  deaf,  I  remem- 
ber, and  the  attorney  said  to  him: 

"Sike  Raymond  is  your  name,  I  believe?" 

"Which?" 

"I  say,  your  name  is  Sike  Raymond  ?" 

"Yes,  sir." 

"Where  do  vou  live,  Mr.  Raymond?" 

"How?" 

"Where  do  you  live?" 

"I  live  over  on  Salmon  River." 

"Do  you  know  anything  about  this  case?" 

"What  say?" 

"I  say,  do  you  know  anything  about  this  case?" 

"Well,  judge,  I  don't  think  T  know  enough  about 
it  to  act  as  one  of  the  jurymen." 

"I  believe  you  are  a  little  deaf,  are  you  not?" 

"Beg  pardon." 

"You  are  somewhat  deaf,  T  believe?" 

"Yes,  sir." 

"To  what  extent  are  von  deaf?" 


114  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

"Little  louder,  please." 

"I  say,  to  what  extent  are  you  deaf?" 

"Well,  sir,  by  the  wagon  road  I  think  it  must  be 
about  thirty  miles." 

I  went  to  Grangeville  from  there  and  soon  arranged 
for  a  night  of  mirth-making.  I  had  to  play  to  such  a 
small  house  that  the  show  was  forced  to  disband  the 
next  day.  The  reason  I  say  disband,  is  because  it  sounds 
better  than  dis-strand-ed. 

The  stagecoach  line  out  of  there  did  not  do  a  credit 
business  and  it  worked  a  hardship  on  the  one  man  drama. 
I  left  my  scenery  in  Grangeville  and  started  home.  It 
took  me  five  weeks  to  make  the  trip.  Even  the  old 
settlers  claimed  that  the  roads  had  not  been  in  so  bad  a 
condition  in  twenty  years. 


A  SERMON. 


R.  R.  F.  M.  ANDREWS,  the  man 
who  wrote :  "Who  Put  Glue  in 
Father's  Whiskers,"  "The  Ossified 
Man  Died  Hard,"  "A  SpHnter  from 
My  Sweetheart's  Wooden  Leg," 
"Did  Her  Switch  Match  Her  Hair," 
"Come  Where  My  Love  Lies 
Dreaming- — and  Get  Shot,"  "Your 
Necktie  is  Up  in  the  Back,"  "Who 
Will  Crack  Ice  for  Pa's  Gout," 
"Grandma's  Corns  are  Soaked  in  Oil,"  and  a  hundred 
other  popular  songs  for  five  cents,  has  caused  me  more 
trouble  than  any  other  man  west  of  Buffalo.  He  came 
to  me  one  bright  spring  morning  with  the  country  fever. 
He  wanted  to  go  to  the  country  at  once  and  spend  the 
summer  and  nothing  would  do  but  I  must  go  along.  We 
started  for  Green  Bay,  Wis.,  and  succeeded  in  getting 
there. 

We  called  upon  Mr.  Jenkins,  editor  of  The  Daily 
Advocate,  and  asked  him  if  he  wanted  to  hire  two  bright. 
energetic,  sober  newspaper  men.  He  said  he  could  use 
a  couple  of  good  men  for  a  while,  but  would  want  some 
reference.  We  told  him  that  was  easy.  I  referred  him 
to  Mr.  Andrews  for  my  reference,  and  Mr.  Andrews 
referred  him  to  me  for  his  reference.     Although   Mr. 


115 


ii6 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 


Jenkins  had  never  heard  of  either  of  us,  he  was  well 
satisfied  with  the  references  furnishd.     He  said: 

"Now,  of  course,  you  will  find  the  work  on  a  country 
daily  very  different  from  that  of  a  big  city  daily.     You 


"THERE    WILL    BE    WOOD    TO    SAW    FOR    THE     STOVES." 

will  have  to  solicit  subscribers  and  advertisements.  At 
times  you  can  make  yourselves  useful  in  the  composing 
room.  There  will  be  wood  to  saw  for  the  stoves.  Be- 
sides you  can  help  around  the  house  on  wash  days  and 
at  house  cleaning  time  you  can  beat  the  carpets  and 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE.  117 

paper  the  rooms.  Sometimes  the  folks  go  to  the  the- 
ater, then  you  will  be  expected  to  wash  the  supper  dishes. 
You  can  also  get  all  the  news  around  town,  write  some 
of  the  editorials,  make  up  the  paper,  and  when  we 
are  short  on  boys  you  can  take  a  route  and  help  out 
with  the  delivery.  There  are  also  two  cows  to  milk. 
This  work  you  can  do  turn  about." 

We  accepted  tlie  position  and  started  in.  We  both 
took  department  columns.  Mr.  Andrews  always  headed 
his  column  thus :  "With  the  Colonel,"  and  mine  was : 
"With  the  Yardmaster."  Mr.  Andrews  was  educated 
for  a  minister  of  the  gospel.  He  did  not  follow  the  busi- 
ness very  long,  as  he  was  a  firm  believer  in  Sunday  clos- 
ing. In  his  department  he  always  wrote  a  Sunday  morn- 
ing sermon,  while  my  department  was  devoted  to  local 
events.  He  had  a  habit  of  leaving  town  very  often  and 
asking  me  to  write  his  column,  which  I  did  willingly. 
One  day  he  took  a  notion  to  visit  the  Soo.  He  said  he 
would  be  away  over  Sunday  and  would  like  to  have 
me  write  his  sermon,  milk  the  cows  and  feed  his  dog. 
I  told  him  to  go  ahead,  I  w^ould  attend  to  the  sermon. 
On  Sunday  morning  the  following  sermon  appeared : 

"Dearly  beloved :  The  theme  of  my  discourse  will 
be  found  in  the  eighth  verse  of  the  second  chapter  of 
Genesis. 

"  'And  the  Lord  planted  a  garden  eastward  in  Eden, 
and  there  he  put  the  man  whom  he  had  formed.' 

"Let  me  invite  your  attention  to  a  lone  man  in  the 
garden  of  Eden.  He  was  put  there  for  a  purpose.  Put 
there  to  pull  weeds  and  keep  the  briars  and  poison  oak 
cut  down. 

"Now  this  man's  name  was  Adam.  He  was  extreme- 
ly reticent  and  very  conservative ;  being  the  only  person 
on  earth  he  had  but  little  to  sav.     There  was  no  other 


ii8  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

living  being  to  argue  or  pick  a  fuss  with  him.  He  had 
a  clear  title  to  the  garden  of  Eden.  He  mapped  out  his 
future  in  which  he  could  see  nothing  but  whole  quarter 
sections  of  happiness.  He  had  an  apple  orchard  of  yel- 
low bell  flowers  and  newto\vn  pippins  that  would  make 
an  orchard  of  this  day  and  time  look  like  seedlings.  He 
did  not  have  to  go  to  work  by  the  whistle  nor  did  he 
have  to  listen  to  the  tintinnabulum  of  curfew.  Then 
there  was  the  land  of  Havaliah  which  was  far  richer  in 
gold  than  the  Klondyke.  All  he  had  to  do  was  to  turn 
the  Pison  river  on  it  and  go  to  work.  What  more  could 
he  ask  for?  And  yet  I  saj'-,  why  should  he  trouble 
himself  about  work?  No  doubt  the  sight  of  gold  would 
have  excited  him,  and  greed  for  much  gold  would  have 
broken  in  upon  his  happiness. 

"Why  should  he  do  that  which  might  mar  his  days 
of  peace?  He  had  every  gift  that  man  could  ask.  He 
could  kick  his  breakfast  off  some  choice  fruit  tree.  The 
climate  was  perfect  and  his  bed  was  made  of  roses  and 
he  used  the  canopy  of  heaven  for  his  counterpanes.  The 
first  bad  break  he  made  was  neglecting  to  build  a  high 
picket  fence  around  that  tree  of  knowledge.  Of  course 
he  had  never  thought  of  anyone  else  getting  him  into 
a  mixup  over  that  tree,  as  he  owned  the  earth  and  had 
no  one  to  keep  away  from  the  tree  but  himself.  He 
should  have  had  forethought  enough,  however,  to  sus- 
pect that  sooner  or  later  some  one  would  come  along 
and  break  up  his  syndicate.  Think,  my  friends,  what 
a  life  of  peace  and  perfect  bliss  he  could  have  lived  had 
he  not  been  interrupted. 

"During  that  deep  sleep  of  his  little  did  he  dream  of 
losing  one  of  his  ribs.  Little  did  he  know  the  trouble 
it  would  bring  him,  and  little  did  he  dream  that  one 
of  his  own  ribs  would  appear  unto  him  in  the  form  of 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE.  119 

a  woman  without  clothing  and  claim  him  as  her  hus- 
band. Right  there  and  then  she  set  up  a -howl  for  a 
new  dress,  and  the  women  folks  have  been  howling 
for  something  to  wear  ever  since.  Of  course  Adam  had 
not  been  to  the  tailors  himself,  but  he  was  on  earth 
first  and  had  a  right  to  adopt  a  makeup  to  suit  his 
own  fancy.  He  had  never  even  thought  of  touching 
the  forbidden  fruit  in  the  garden,  but  just  as  soon  as 
Eve  found  out  there  was  such  a  tree  she  couldn't  sleep 
until  she  knew  all  about  how  it  happened — hence  the 
breaking  up  of  Adam's  happy  home.  As  to  the  sub- 
til ity  of  the  serpent,  it  is  safe  to  presume  that  was 
simply  one  of  Eve's  subterfuges.  In  my  mind  the  ser- 
pent was  not  guilty.  Eve  felt  happy  when  she  got  Adam 
to  eat  some  of  the  fruit,  as  she  thought  he  would  help 
her  lay  the  blame  on  the  serpent,  when  the  time  came 
to  give  an  account  of  the  affair.  The  result  of  the 
whole  thing  was,  Adam  and  the  snake  got  the  worst  of  it. 

"Adam  no  longer  had  a  squatter's  claim  on  the  gar- 
den of  Eden.  He  had  to  leave  behind  the  only  fruit 
bearing  orchard  on  earth,  all  on  account  of  this  woman. 
It  was  a  fine  piece  of  property  to  fall  into  the  hands  of 
Cherubims.  He  was  forced  to  return  to  the  land  of 
his  birth  and  follow  the  plough  all  the  rest  of  his  days. 
Had  Eve  not  been  so  curious  there  would  have  been  a 
different  story  to  tell.  Besides  she  established  a  bad 
precedent,  which  has  ever  kept  womankind  excited  with 
curiosity. 

"In  conclusion,  brethren,  let  me  say  that  happiness 
is  all  you  want.  If  your  garden  of  Eden  is  cut  down 
and  taken  from  you,  I  say  unto  you,  be  not  aggrieved. 
Grab  the  plough  handles  of  unrest  and  get  across  the 
field  of  life  as  best  you  can.     Amen." 


120 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 


The  next  day  Mr.  Andrews  returned  from  the  Soo. 
After  he  read  the  sermon  he  asked  me  to  hold  his  hat 
while  he  had  a  fit.     He  declared  I  had  ruined  him. 


HE  SAID  MOST  OF  THE  SUBSCRIBERS  HAD  STOPPED  THEIR  PAPER. 


"Why!"  he  said,  "that  is  a  sacrilege!  It  is  the  most 
irreverent  thing  I  ever  heard  and  both  of  us  will  lose 
our  heads."  Sure  enough  Mr.  Jenkins  sent  for  us.  He 
said  most  of  the  subscribers  had  stopped  their  paper 
and  the  only  way  that  the  paper  could  live  was  to  change 
it  from  a  daily  to  a  weekly,  which  was  done  that  day. 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE.  121 

He  told  us  that  the  bookkeeper  wanted  to  see  us,  which 
he  did.  We  were  again  out  in  the  cold  world.  I  told 
Andrews  we  could  go  to  some  other  place  and  soon  get 
work,  as  we  could  furnish  references.  He  felt  a  little 
consoled  by  what  I  said.  He  quoted  a  passage  of  Scrip- 
ture: "Sufficient  unto  the  day  is  the  evil  thereof."  I 
said  :  "You  are  right  about  that ;  and,  besides,  there  are  nu 
pockets  in  a  shroud." 


LALLA  ROOKH'S  DESCENDANT. 


HAVE  never  held  a  position  long  for  I  hate 
the  eternal  monotony  of  life.     I  have  never 
traveled  a  trail  without  finding  it  full  of 
stones  and  ruts.     I  have  found  obstructions 
in  all  the  walks  of  life.  ]\Iy  progress  has  been 
greatly  impeded.     I  may  look  afar  and  see 
a  green,   shady  woodland,   and   wish 
for  just  one  hour  there,  that  I  might 
stroll  around  and  commune  with  wild 
grape   vines,    cowslips    and    he    ferns. 
But  I  dare  not  go,  as  I  know  the  poison 
ivy   flourishes   there   and   that   is   my 
enemy.     If  anyone  speaks  of  that  vine 
in  my  presence  my  face  swells  up  like 
a  poisoned  feline. 
If  I  undertake  to  lecture  there  is  sure  to  be  a  Demo- 
cratic rally  or  a  fire.     In  such  a  case  I  had  just  as  well 
be  talking  under  the  auspices  of  a  Minnesota  blizzard. 
My  success  would  amount  to  the  same  in  either  case. 

When  I  lectured  in  Iowa  and  Kansas  my  advance 
agent  was  a  cyclone.  When  Coxey  got  on  the  war- 
path his  army  headed  me  off  in  every  town  between 
Seattle  and  Washington,  D.  C.  When  I  followed  the 
plough  it  was  not  an  uncommon  thing  to  strike  an  elm 
root  and  break  a  trace  and  at  the  same  time  have  the 
root  flv  back  and  hit  me  on  the  shin. 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE.  123 

I  have  gone  home  at  night  when  the  day's  work  was 
done  and  an  expert  harness  maker  could  not  have  guessed 
for  what  my  traces  were  meant.  Every  time  they  broke 
I  would  have  to  repair  them  with  whatever  material  I 
might  have  handy.  They  were  made  up  of  pieces  of 
chain,  hickory  withes,  cotton  rope,  papaw  bark,  fence 
wire  and  some  leather.  I  spent  my  evening  setting  up 
with  my  shins  and  thinking  of  the  next  day's  flirtation 
with  those  traces,  elm  roots  and  a  plough  mule  that  had 
an  embodiment  of  colossal  cheek  and  a  plaintive  smile 
that  meant  no  good.  A  mule  w^ill  look  pleasant  for 
four  years  just  to  draw  one  on  so  it  can  get  a  real 
good  chance  to  kick  him  clean  out  of  debt. 

When  the  United  States  declared  war  with  Spain  I 
wanted  to  enlist  as  a  chaplain,  but  someone  told  my 
past  history  and  I  was  rejected. 

I  was  once  lost  in  the  mountains  of  Josephine  county, 
Oregon,  for  seven  days,  during  which  time  it  seemed  to 
me  I  had  traveled  700  miles.  The  mental  agony  I  suf- 
fered can  never  be  told.  You  might  sit  and  listen  to  a 
sad  story  for  a  month,  told  by  some  one  who  had  been 
lost,  and  you  could  not  begin  to  imagine  what  torture 
that  person  had  to  suffer.  I  climbed  over  high  moun- 
tains and  descended  into  deep  canyons.  The  nights  were 
as  black  as  ink,  and  the  frightening  cries  of  wolves  and 
coyotes  were  enough  to  drive  me  mad.  Lost !  forever 
lost!  was  the  only  thought  that  ran  through  my  brain. 
On  the  evening  of  the  seventh  day  I  came  to  a  trail,  but 
I  could  see  no  signs  of  anyone  having  passed  over  it 
for  months.  I  was  exhausted  and  compelled  to  stop.  I 
dropped  down  in  my  tracks  and  fell  asleep.  I  felt  and 
believed  that  it  would  be  the  long  sleep  of  death  that 
comes  to  all,  sooner  or  later. 


124  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUX SHINE. 

The  night  wore  on  while  fiendish  dreams  set  fire  to 
my  brain.  It  was  the  first  time  in  the  seven  days  that 
I  had  closed  my  eyes.  I  heard  the  voices  of  wild  beasts ; 
I  saw  a  thousand  devils  come  up  out  of  the  sea.  The 
world  was  fast  being  destroyed.  Great  volcanoes  belched 
melted  stones  high  into  the  air.  A  terrific  storm  was  rag- 
ing. The  loud  claps  of  thunder  shook  the  earth  and 
the  lightning  set  the  forests  on  fire.  The  heavens  were 
open  and  the  deep  gorges  below  me  were  filling  up  with 
a  mighty  flood,  crashing  down  trees  and  cutting  away 
the  mountain  sides  with  a  deafening  roar  as  it  rushed 
on  into  an  unknown  region.  I  saw  no  escape,  for  on 
every  side  there  was  destruction.  I  felt  the  earth  below 
me  quiver.  I  saw  great  cracks  in  the  crust  swallowing 
up  huge  trees.  The  fissures  were  rapidly  widening  and 
I  knew  the  spot  where  I  rested  would  soon  be  a  great 
lake  of  boiling  stones  and  forests.  I  felt  something 
shake  me.  I  awoke  and  two  men  stood  before  me  in  the 
light  of  the  morning  sun.  They  were  trappers  who  hap- 
pened along  that  trail  and  found  me  more  dead  than 
alive. 

For  seven  days  I  did  not  have  a  morsel  to  eat  except 
some  dried  salmon.  From  that  day  to  this  I  have  never 
looked  a  fish  in  the  face. 

In  Walla  Walla,  Washington,  I  once  secured  em- 
ployment in  a  soap  factory.  My  duty  was  to  stand 
on  top  of  a  deep  vat  with  one  foot  on  one  side  and  one 
on  the  other,  and  stir  the  batch.  One  day  my  right  foot 
slipped  and  I  fell  into  the  hot  soap  up  to  my  w^aist.  A 
fellow  worker  dragged  me  out  and  for  many  days  after 
that  I  was  busy  in  a  hospital  growing  together. 

When  I  was  a  bo}'-  I  was  unhappy  unless  I  was  imi- 
tating something.  I  remember  once  I  climbed  a  tree 
and  walked  out  on  one  of  its  branches  to  show  some 


A   BUNDLE  01'   SOWSULXE.  125 

boys  how  I  could  imitate  a  blue  jay.  The  first  thing 
a  blue  jay  does  when  he  lights  is  to  turn  completely 
around,  then  he  wipes  his  face  on  the  limb  and  takes 
another  turn  around.     I  made  the  announcement  to  the 


1    AWOKK    AND    TWO    MEN    STOOD    BEFORE    ME    IN    THE    LIGHT    OF 
THE     MORNING    SUN. 


boys,  that  I  would  jump  high  enough  to  clear  the  limb 
and  turn  around.  I  jumped  high  enough  and  turned  com- 
pletely around,  but  I  did  not  light  just  like  a  blue  jay. 
My  feet  missed  the  limb  and  it  caught  me  under  the 


126 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 


chin.  The  earth's  gravity  was  too  strong  for  me  and 
I  struck  on  the  ground  head  first.  When  they  picked 
me  up  my  collar  bone  was  broken  and  my  imitating 
season  closed. 


MY    RIGHT    FOOT    SLIPPED    AND    I    FELL    INTO    THE    HOT    SOAP    UP 
TO     MY    WAIST. 


I  was  once  told  to  eat  bird  seed  and  cuttle  fish  if  I 
would  be  a  good  singer.  I  tried  it.  If  the  doctor  had 
not  been  handy  I  might  have  been  a  good  singer,  but 
not  on  this  earth. 


WIl.l.lS     AXI>    .lANE. 


S  CD 

^> 

^  *^ 
>d 

OW 

a<: 

CO  < 

-      M 

W  t?d 

> 

>  c^ 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 


127 


I  took  the  dogs  out  one  day  for  a  rabbit  hunt.  It 
was  not  long  until  I  heard  the  bark  of  old  Tige.  He 
had  something  up  a  hollow  tree.  I  cut  a  long  hazel 
twig  and  split  the  end  of  it  so  I  could  twist  the  animal 


MY    FEET    MISSED    THE    LIMB    AND    IT    CAUGHT    ME    UNDER    THE 

CHIN. 


out.  I  worked  for  sometime  before  I  could  get  a  good 
hold  on  its  fur.  I  gave  a  steady  pull  and  out  it  came. 
The  dogs  did  not  run  up  to  help  me,  but  went  the  other 
way.     I  soon  backed  out  myself,  as  it  was  not  my  kind 


128 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 


of  a  rabbit.  It  had  a  bushy  tail  and  white  stripes  down 
it's  back.  When  I  returned  home  the  folks  would  not 
allow  me  to  come  into  the  house.  I  had  to  stay  out- 
side and  sleep  in  straw  stacks  and  corn  cribs  for  a  month 
after  that.     I  was  as  easy  to  find  as  a  bell  cow. 


I    SOON    BACKED    OUT    MYSELF,    AS    IT    WAS    NOT    MY    KIND    OF    A 

RABBIT. 


The  first  time  I  was  permitted  to  go  hunting  alone 
with  a  gun  was  for  me  a  proud  moment.  This  gun  was 
one  of  those  old  army  muskets.     It  would  shoot  just 


A   BUNDLE  or  SUNSHLWE. 


12I.J 


as  well  when  loaded  witii  gravel,  nails  or  tacks,  as  with 
lead.  During  my  excitement  I  made  the  mistake  of  put- 
ting in  a  double  charge  of  powder,  then  I  went  on  my 
way    rejoicing.     As    soon  as   I    reached    the    hunting 


I    CAME    TO     AND     FOi:.VlJ     MYSELF    OX    THE    OTHER    SIDE    OF    THE 

FENCE. 


grounds,  I  saw  some  chickens  Hying  overhead.  As  quick 
as  a  flash  I  rested  that  gun  on  a  fence  and  fired  at  those 
birds.  In  an  hour  or  so  after  that  I  came  to  and  found 
myself   on   the  other  side  of  the   fence.     It  just  then 


I30 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHIXE. 


occurred  to  me  that  I  had  heard  an  uncle  of  mine  say 

that  a  musket  would  kick  just  as  hard  as  it  would  shoot. 

Hunting  wild  turkeys  by  moonlight  in  the  south  is  a 

favorite  sport.     At  the  tender  age  of  twelve  I  tried  it. 


I    TOLD    PA    HE    MUST    GET    UP    AND    SEE    WHAT    A    FINE    GOBBLER 

I    HAD. 


After  walking  through  the  woods  for  several  hours  one 
moonlight  night  I  located  a  roost  of  these  fine  birds.  I 
rested  my  rifle  in  the  forks  of  a  sapling  and  took  good 
aim  at  the  object  betw-een  the  moon  and  myself.     I  set 


A  BUNDLE  Of  SUNSHINE.  i.^i 

the  hind  trigger,  cocked  the  hammer  and  blazed  away. 
It  was  a  good  shot,  as  I  brought  down  a  fine  gobbler. 
I  threw  him  over  my  shoulder  and  started  for  home  as 
proud  as  a  boy  with  his  first  pair  of  trousers.  It  was 
very  late  when  I  reached  home  and  the  family  had  long 
since  retired.  But  that  made  no  difference  to  me.  I 
told  pa  he  must  get  up  and  see  what  a  fine  gobbler  1 
had.  He  lighted  a  candle  and  came  to  the  door  yawn- 
ing and  rubbing  his  eyes,  and  the  moment  he  saw  my 
bird  he  said  : 

"Why!  my  son,  that's  not  a  turkey.  It's  a  buzzard, 
and  you  have  violated  the  law." 

The  women  folks  used  to  give  their  children  sassafras 
tea  every  spring  to  purify  their  blood.  After  a  while 
they  would  break  out  like  a  Sioux  Indian  with  boils. 
They  said  that  each  boil  was  worth  $5.  I  figured  up 
my  system  one  spring  and  found  that  I  was  loafing 
around  with  $120  worth  of  rose-tinted  ones.  I  got  in 
the  habit  of  standing  up  from  the  first  of  May  until 
August.  If  I  could  have  cashed  in  all  the  sassafras 
boils  I  had  in  ten  years  at  $5  each.  I  could  have  visited 
the  old  world. 

In  San  Francisco  I  was  hired  by  a  tailoring  establish- 
ment to  act  as  salesman.  I  did  not  know  anything  about 
the  business,  but  I  was  very  willing  and  meant  well. 
The  first  customer  who  came  in  the  morning  I  went  to 
work  wanted  to  select  something  suitable  for  a  pair  of 
trousers.  He  soon  found  what  he  wanted.  I  had  no- 
ticed a  long  table  in  the  back  end  of  the  store  on  which 
were  thirty-six  inches  marked  off  to  take  the  place  of 
a  three  foot  rule  as  I  supposed.  I  told  the  customer 
to  lie  down  on  that  table  alongside  of  those  inches  so 
I  could  take  his  measure  for  the  trousers.  I  then  got 
a    yardstick    and    started    in.     Just  then    my  employer 


132  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

came  in  and  saw  what  I  was  doing.  He  let  me  go 
without  arguing.  The  next  day  1  coaxed  him  to  hire 
me  over  and  I  would  do  better.  I  took  a  man's  measure 
for  a  suit  and  he  asked  me  if  we  required  a  deposit.  I 
told  him  we  did,  as  a  big  deposit  always  made  a  suit 
fit  better.  In  due  time  he  got  his  suit  and  went  away. 
He  came  into  the  store  a  week  or  two  after  that  and  I 
asked  him  how  his  suit  fitted  him.  He  said  it  fitted 
all  right  except  the  coat,  pants  and  vest. 

While  standing  in  the  door  one  morning  a  customer 
inquired  for  a  misfit  suit.  I  told  him  that  we  did  not 
have  any  on  hand  just  then,  but  if  he  would  step  inside 
and  leave  his  measure  we  could  make  him  one  by  the 
next  evening.  My  employer  overheard  the  conversa- 
tion. I  tried  to  prevail  upon  him  to  hire  me  over  the 
third  time  but  it  was  no  use. 

In  the  Esther  mines  on  Grave  creek  in  southern  Oregon 
I  rented  myself  to  the  mine  owners.  They  used  me  for 
a  kind  of  car  horse.  I  ran  a  dump  car  in  and  out  of 
a  300  foot  tunnel.  I  did  not  mind  the  work  very  much, 
as  the  track  was  built  so  that  the  car  would  run  out  of 
the  tunnel  of  its  own  weight,  and  that  gave  me  a 
chance  to  ride.  I  had  to  watch  the  brake  closely  or 
the  car  would  run  away.  The  tunnel  was  almost  at  the 
top  of  a  high  mountain.  At  the  mouth  of  the  tunnel 
there  was  a  sharp  curve  and  going  around  this  it  was 
necessary  to  run  slowly  to  prevent  the  car  leaving  the 
track.  One  day  with  a  full  load  of  quartz  I  gave  the 
car  a  good  start  and  then  jumped  aboard.  When  it 
came  time  to  set  the  brake  it  refused  to  work.  The 
tunnel  was  not  lighted  and  I  could  not  make  up  my 
mind  what  to  do.  The  speed  of  the  car  was  increasing 
every  second  as  the  incline  was  greater  near  the  mouth 
of  the  tunnel.     I  thought  of  that  sharp  curve  and  the 


A  BUNDLE  OP  SUNSHINE. 


133 


3,000  feet  to  the  bottom  of  the  mountain  where  a  rag- 
ing river  rushed  madly  on  to  the  sea.  On  and  on  that 
car  went  toward  destruction.  At  last  the  curve  was 
reached.     The  car  jumped  the  track  on  a  high  trestle. 


I     LIGHTED    SOMEWHERK    FAR    HKl.OW    THE    CURVE. 

The  last  I  remembered  was  that  I  was  soaring  through 
the  air.  It  was  the  longest  trip  I  ever  made  off  the 
earth.  I  lighted  somewhere  far  below  the  curve.  The 
car  lighted  also,  but  it  did  not  stop  until  it  found  a 
resting  place  in  the  bed  of  the  river.     When  I  returned 


134  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

to  work  I  always  made  sure  that  the  brake  was  in 
working  order. 

The  foreman  came  into  the  tunnel  one  morning  and 
upon  looking  around  decided  that  if  he  put  a  blast  into 
the  wall  at  a  certain  place  he  might  strike  a  richer  vein. 
There  was  no  trace  of  gold  and  very  little  of  silver  in 
the  quartz  we  were  working.  It  ran  higher  in  pig  iron 
than  anything  else.  He  took  a  small  drill  and  held  it 
over  his  shoulder  against  the  wall  of  the  tunnel  and  told 
me  to  strike  it  with  a  sledge.  Now  I  was  only  a  young 
man  and  had  never  struck  a  drill  in  my  life,  and  besides 
the  way  he  stood  made  the  stroke  difficult.  While  I 
hesitated  he  gruffly  ordered  me  to  strike  the  drill. 

"Do  you  believe  in  the  efficacy  of  prayer?"  I  asked 
him. 

"Never  mind  your  prayer  business,  you  go  ahead  and 
strike  that  drill." 

"Is  there  any  word  that  you  would  like  to  send  to 
your  folks?  The  reason  I  ask  you  this  is  because  I  can 
foresee  that  you  have  not  long  to  live." 

"Now  if  you  don't  hurry  up  and  strike  that  drill  I'll 
get  some  one  who  can !" 

I  felt  sorry  for  him,  as  I  knew  he  did  not  realize 
how  near  to  death's  door  he  was  standing.  I  struck 
the  drill  very  well  the  first  time,  but  the  second  time  it 
was  not  there,  or  else  I  missed  it,  for  I  hit  him  a  terrific 
blow  in  the  back  and  caved  in  three  of  his  ribs.  You  can 
imagine  my  feelings,  as  I  was  sure  I  had  killed  him.  I 
called  in  the  miners  and  we  conveyed  his  mangled  form 
to  his  cabin. 

When  he  got  so  he  could  speak  he  told  the  superin- 
tendent that  if  he  ever  got  well  he  would  put  out  my 
light.  I  did  not  stay  around  those  diggings  waiting  for 
him  to  get  well.     The  climate  was  bad  there  anyway. 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 


•35 


On  the  North  Umpqua  river  I  stopped  one  day  at 
a  farmer's  house  and  asked  him  if  he  had  any  work 
for  an  emigrant  boy.  He  said  about  all  there  was  to 
do  just  at  that  time  was  catching  driftwood.     I  thought 


I    STRUCK    THE    DRILL,    VERY    WELL    THE    FIRST    TIME,     BUT     THE 
SECOND     TIME     IT     WAS     NOT    THERE. 

of  course  from  the  way  he  spoke  that  he  wanted  to  hire 
me  and  I  asked  him  what  wages  he  was  paying  for  that 
kind  of  work. 

'  Oh,  I  don't  pay  wages  at  all,"  he  said.     "This  is 


136  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

worked  on  a  co-operative  plan  and  it  gives  you  a  chance 
to  go  into  business  for  yourself,  then  you  can  be  your 
own  boss.  It  is  worked  like  this:  You  furnish  your 
own  boat,  hooks  and  poles,  and  give  me  half  you  catch." 

He  w^as  known  in  that  section  as  the  Oregon  philan- 
thropist. 

On  the  farm  I  was  always  told  that  when  a  swarm 
of  bees  settled  on  the  branch  of  a  tree,  or  any  place  for 
that  matter,  they  could  be  hived  without  the  least  danger, 
if  charmed.  The  charming  act  was  done  by  beating  on 
a  tin  pan  over  a  hive  placed  near  where  they  had  settled 
and  they  would  all  crawl  into  the  new  home.  One  day 
while  out  in  the  woods,  I  discovered  a  swarm  settled 
on  the  branch  of  an  oak.  I  ran  home  and  told  Brother 
Bill  about  my  find.  He  lost  no  time  in  getting  an  old 
tin  pan  and  a  cracker  box,  and  we  were  off  for  the  place 
where  we  could  hive  a  swarm.  Bill  told  me  to  climb 
the  tree  and  take  the  box  with  me  and  he  would  play 
the  tin  pan.  While  he  was  playing  what  sounded  to  me 
like  a  death  march,  I  crawled  out  on  the  branch  with  the 
box.  Just  then  two  of  the  dogs  which  followed  us  got 
into  a  fight,  and  Bill  dropped  the  tin  pan  to  separate  them. 

In  the  excitement  I  jarred  the  limb  and  dropped 
the  box.  This  stirred  up  the  swarm.  They  evidently 
mistook  my  head  for  the  box,  as  most  of  them  settled 
there.  The  rest  of  them  took  after  Bill  and  the  dogs.  I 
did  not  go  down  the  tree  as  I  went  up.  I  just  fell  out 
like  a  wounded  owl.  There  was  a  creek  near  by  and 
I  broke  for  that  and  fell  in  head  first.  I  tried  to  drown 
those  bees  but  they  still  hung  on.  I  only  took  my  head 
out  of  the  water  long  enough  to  take  in  some  air.  At 
last  I  got  them  off  and  went  home.  It  took  the  folks 
several  days  to  pull  the  stingers  out  of  my  face  and  it 
was  nine  days  before  my  eyes  opened.     It  is  useless  for 


A  BUNDLE  Of  SUiW SHINE. 


137 


anyone  to  speak  to  me  about  the  busy  bees.  I  know  all 
about  them.  Just  a  picture  of  an  apairy  is  enougli. 
Ever  since  that  time  when  I  hear  anyone  beating  a  tin 
pan  I  move  on. 


I    DID    NOT    GO    DOWN    THE    TREE    AS    I    WENT    UP. 

In  the  little  village  of  Farmington,  Washington,  one 
still  night,  a  burglar  came  to  town  and  blew  open  a 
saloon  keeper's  safe.  No  one  was  disturbed  by  tlie 
explosion.  The  next  morning  a  crowd  of  curious  citi- 
zens gathered  in  front  of  the  saloon.  They  talked  it 
over  and  wondered  who  the  burglar  was.     They  could 


138  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

not  imagine  who  would  be  so  bold  as  to  come  into  a 
quiet,  peaceful  town  like  Farmington  and  blow  open  a 
safe.  I  overheard  one  man  say  he  knew  there  wasn't 
a  townsman  there  who  would  do  such  a  thing.  He  also 
suggested  that  I  was  the  only  stranger  in  town  that 
night.  My  landlord  also  heard  this  and  told  his  waiters 
that  as  soon  as  I  left  to  make  a  careful  invoice  of  the 
silverware. 

A  merchant  in  Umatilla,  Oregon,  asked  me  if  I  could 
keep  a  set  of  books.  I  told  him  I  could.  He  was  going 
to  California  to  spend  the  winter  and  he  engaged  me 
to  look  after  his  accounts.  Two  months  later  he  re- 
turned and  inquired  how  I  had  been  getting  along.  I 
told  him  the  very  finest.  He  looked  the  books  through 
and  found  that  I  had  never  put  the  scratch  of  a  pen 
on  them.     He  was  more  than  astonished. 

"I  thought  I  hired  you  to  keep  this  set  of  books 
while  I  was  gone,"  he  anxiously  remarked. 

"Well,  I  did."  I  replied. 

"I  know  better;  they  are  just  as  I  left  them." 

"That  I  know  too;  you  hired  me  to  keep  that  set 
and  I  did." 

"Where  and  how,  for  heaven's  sake?" 

"In  my  trunk,  where  no  one  could  bother  them." 

I  am  waiting  yet  for  my  salary. 

I  have  stumped  five  different  states  for  five  different 
parties  and  every  candidate  I  championed  w^as  defeated. 
In  1894  I  stumped  the  state  of  Montana  for  the  location 
of  the  capital  at  Anaconda.  It  is  needless  to  say  that 
Anaconda  lost  and  Helena  won  by  1,900  votes. 

I  traveled  on  the  road  for  nine  years,  during  which 
time  I  broke  up  six  firms.  When  I  was  first  sent  out 
I  guess  I  misunderstood  the  instructions.  I  thought  I 
was  hired  to  travel  and  I  just  traveled.     Stopping  off  at 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE.  139 

different  towns  along  the  road  to  sell  goods  bothered  me 
but  little.  I  wanted  to  keep  traveling  and  see  the  coun- 
try, and  just  as  long  as  a  linn  could  stand  it  I  kept  on 
traveling. 

And  it  has  ever  been  thus  through  life.  So  much 
thus  that  I  made  up  my  mind  last  fall  while  I  was  in 
Buffalo  to  call  on  a  clairvoyant  and  get  her  to  dally 
with  my  future.  I  thought  perhaps  she  could  give  me 
some  good  a-dvice  and  get  me  out  of  the  river  of  hard 
luck  and  misfortune.  I  had  every  reason  to  remember 
my  past;  all  I  wanted  her  to  do  was  to  examine  my  fu- 
ture. Her  name  was  Madam  De  Blase.  I  went  into 
her  revelation  studio  and  asked  her  what  she  charged. 
She  replied  that  her  price  was  fifty  cents.  I  requested 
her  to  roll  up  her  sleeves  and  go  to  work.  She  held  my 
cold,  clammy  hand  for  thirty  minutes,  all  the  while  tell- 
ing me  what  I  was  and  who  I  was. 

"I  read  in  your  horoscope  that  Uranus  is  in  conjunc- 
tion with  Jupiter,"  she  said  with  a  knitted  brow. 

"You  are  a  featherless  biped  and  a  descendant  of 
Lalla  Rookh.  The  gentle  zephyrs  which  permeate  the 
balmy  morn  are  steam  heat  to  you,  while  they  are  of 
sweetest  fragrance  to  others.  You  started  on  the  wrong 
road  in  your  youth,  and  the  black  crags  of  hard  luck  tow- 
ering high  on  either  side  have  kept  you  there  ever  since. 
You  will  be  the  sweetheart  of  loving  soubrettes.  You  will 
dally  with  the  queens  of  tragedy  and  think  for  awhile 
that  your  happiness  is  complete,  but  not  so.  It  is  or- 
dained that  you  be  snubbed  by  a  laundress.  The  nearest 
that  you  will  ever  come  to  traveling  on  a  pass  will  be 
when  you  get  permission  from  some  railroad  company 
to  walk  over  its  franchise  under  a  promise  that  you  will 
help  the  section  hands  do  up  their  chores.  Your  first 
wife's  hair  will  be  the  color  of  drug  store  twine.     She 


140 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 


will  be  very  unhappy  and  your  style  of  providing  for 
her  will  be  the  cause  of  her  going-  back  to  live  with  her 
folks.  Your  second  wife  will  have  very  dark  hair,  but 
after  she  lives  with  you  awhile  it  will  turn  red.     She 


SHE    HELD    MY    COLD,    CLAMMY    HAND    FOR    THIRTY    MINUTES. 


will  be  worthy  of  a  good  husband,  but  wall  soon  find  out 
her  mistake  in  taking  you  for  better  or  for  worse.  She 
will  sue  you  for  a  divorce  on  the  grounds  of  non-sup- 
port. 


A  BUNDLE  01'   SUNSHINE.  141 

"I  can  see  by  your  face  that  you  have  a  trace  of  abil- 
ity. You  may  yet  be  in  the  Halls  of  Congress — sweep- 
ing out  and  cleaning  up.  It  will  be  useless  for  you  to 
ever  apply  for  a  position  unless  they  have  a  cash  register, 
as  they  will  not  employ  you.  You  will  prosper  best 
among  strangers.  I  could  tell  you  a  great  deal  more 
but  I  dislike  to  offend  any  one.     Fifty  cents  please." 

I  paid  her  and  went  away.  I  suppose  when  the 
last  day  comes  and  I  quit  this  earth  I  will  then  find  a 
realm  more  congenial. 


INCONGRUITY. 


E  ARE  taught  from  childhood  never 
to  speak  harshly  of  the  dead.  A 
dead  person  is  defenseless,  unless 
•a  member  of  a  well  drilled  stock 
company  of  spook  tragedians. 
There  are  few  people  who  will  sit 
through  more  than  one  act  of  a 
play  with  spook  actors.  A  spook 
with  a  sea  green  mane  and  tail 
feathers  can  always  make  a  hit  in 
a  character  part.  The  audience  is 
generally  composed  of  unwise  peo- 
ple who  have  at  some  time  spoken 
unkindly  of  the  dead. 

This  old  world  is  crowded  with 
people  who  are  ever  ready  to  com- 
pare a  man  guilty  of  some  misdeed  with  an  ancient  dead 
offender.  I  often  hear  one  person  refer  to  another  as 
a  bigger  liar  than  Ananias.  Now  that  man  died  long 
before  Josephus  went  to  Rome  to  do  space  work  on  a 
morning  paper.  Taking  it  for  granted  that  Ananias  was 
in  the  real  estate  business  and  established  a  bad  prece- 
dent by  not  dividing  his  commissions  on  a  big  deal,  that 
is  no  reason  why  he  should  be  stigmatized.  I  have 
always  defended  him  for  this  reason:  When  the  fact 
leaked  out  that  he  did  not  do  the  square  thing,  and 
Peter  accused  him  of  willful  forgetfulness,  he  was  so 

142 


A   BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE.  M3 

grieved  that  he  dropped  dead.  This  was  conclusive  evi- 
dence that  he  had  not  been  long  in  the  real  estate  busi- 
ness and  besides  his  conscientious  scruples  were  in  good 
order.  Now  if  any  one  can  point  out  a  real  estate  man 
in  modern  times  who  has  fallen  dead  from  the  same 
cause  I  will  chip  in  for  a  monument  to  be  erected  over 
his  grave.  When  a  real  estate  man  of  this  day  and  age 
forgets  to  hand  over  a  few  dollars  commission  money, 
he  does  not  drop  dead.  If  he  should  pay  the  commis- 
sion by  a  mistake,  or  before  he  thought,  that  would  be 
more  apt  to  kill  him. 

Let  us  take  the  case  of  Judas  Iscariot.  That  man 
has  been  diLgracefully  abused.  He  went  down  to  his 
grave  in  innocence,  yet  all  the  world  says  he  w^as  guilty. 
In  his  report  of  the  affair,  St.  Luke  said : 

"But  behold  the  hand  of  him  that  betrayeth  me  is 
with  me  on  the  table." 

"And  truly  the  Son  of  Man  goeth,  as  it  was  deter- 
mined :  but  woe  unto  that  man  by  whom  he  is  betrayed." 
"And  they  began  to  inquire  among  themselves,  which 
of  them  it  was  that  should  do  this  thing." 

"And  there  was  also  a  strife  among  them,  which  of 
them  should  be  accounted  the  greatest." 

These  words  fell  upon  the  ears  of  the  twelve  apostles 
at  the  Lord's  Supper.  Now  how  did  Judas  Iscariot  know- 
that  this  betraying  act  would  fall  upon  him?  Of  course 
it  had  to  fall  upon  some  one,  but  that  is  none  of  our 
business.  We  simply  know  that  Judas  got  the  worst 
of  it. 

In  a  hypnotic  state  he  accepted  the  thirty  pieces  of 
silver  from  the  chief  priests  and  scribes  and  when  he 
came  to  his  senses  and  saw  what  he  had  done,  he  went 
away  and  got  a  bale  of  rope  and  hung  himself.  This 
act  alone  proves  that  what  he  did  was  done  under  a 


144  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

psychological  influence.  While  you  are  pirouetting 
around  on  the  face  of  the  earth  do  you  ever  put  yourself 
in  Iscariot's  place? 

When  the  stars  above  are  shining  we  look  at  them 
and  wonder  what  they  are.  When  Judas  looks  down 
upon  us  he  does  not  wonder  what  we  are,  he  knows 
that  we  are  a  lot  of  roasters. 

If  the  habit  of  roasting  dead  ones  has  grown  upon 
you  and  you  can  find  no  remedy  for  it,  why  not  pick 
out  some  one  else.  Take  Richard  III.,  Nero,  Lycurgus 
and  1 6  to  i. 

Now  there  was  Noah.  His  name  and  boat  is  seldom 
mentioned  except  in  a  jocular  way.  If  you  had  to  do 
what  he  did  at  his  age  you  would  say  it  was  no  joke. 

Think  of  a  boat  450  feet  long,  75  feet  wide  and  45 
feet  high  built  by  a  man  500  years  old.  He  put  in  one 
hundred  years,  one  month  and  seventeen  days  before  he 
knocked  off  work  and  declared  the  boat  finished  and 
ready  to  float.  He  did  not  use  any  thing  but  seasoned 
gopher  wood  in  its  construction.  I  do  not  know  any- 
thing about  gopher  wood  but  it  was  certainly  all  right 
or  else  it  would  never  have  stood  the  trip.  Think  of  a 
pair  of  every  kind  of  beast,  bird,  bug,  lizard,  snake  and 
creeping  things,  also  a  lot  of  extinct  animals,  that  had 
to  be  crowded  into  a  space  of  450  feet.  It  took  a  man 
like  Noah  to  do  that  kind  of  work;  a  man  had  to  un- 
derstand his  business.  There  never  lived  a  man  who 
took  the  liberty  of  poking  fun  at  Noah  who  could  put 
all  those  animals  in  that  boat  even  if  they  were  cooked, 
canned,  packed  and  ready  for  sailors'  use.  They  all 
had  to  eat,  or  die  on  the  trip,  for  that  boat  w^as  on  the 
mighty  deep  for  over  one  year.  It  certainly  took  a  great 
pile  of  feed.  Animals  like  the  mastodon  and  the  ichthy- 
osaurus were  great  eaters.     A  full  grown  stud  mastodon 


A   BUNDLE  or  SUNSHINE.  145 

could  cat  a  ton  of  hay  at  one  sitting.  Noah  only  had  a 
crew  of  eight  people  and  they  were  all  old  folks.  They 
had  to  feed  and  water  all  these  animals  you  might  say 
in  the  dark,  as  there  was  only  one  window  and  they 
couldn't  get  much  light  through  that.  Xoah  started 
on  the  trip  February  17  and  landed  on  Mount  Ararat 
October  i.  That  is  he  was  stuck  there  until  that  time 
before  he  could  see  the  top  of  the  mountains.  Then  it 
was  over  four  months  before  he  could  unload. 

It  was  wonderful  what  power  of  endurance  Noah  had 
at  his  age.  And  after  he  got  back  on  the  earth  again 
he  lived  three  hundred  and  fifty  years.  He  was  a  hero. 
Dewey,  Roberts  and  Schley  are  not  in  it  with  him.  This 
is  the  reason  I  say  it  is  unkind  to  poke  fun  at  him,  when 
he  was  able  to  accomplish  such  a  wonderful  job,  a  thing 
no  other  man  on  earth  could  do. 

After  the  flood  Xoah  took  up  a  homestead,  and  as  soon 
as  his  farm  dried  up.  he  started  to  work  ploughing  and 
putting  in  spring  wheat.  He  also  started  a  vineyard 
which  caused  him  some  trouble.  If  he  were  alive  today 
we  would  call  it  a  bad  break.  The  day  he  got  full  of 
grape  juice  will  never  be  forgotten.  There  he  was  in 
his  tent  with  a  B.  C.  jag  on  to  beat  three  of  a  kind.  Every 
time  he  kicked  the  quilts  off  the  bed,  his  sons  had  to  cover 
him  up.  It  was  on  this  occasion  that  he  got  sore  on  his 
youngest  boy  Ham.  Moses,  in  his  unpaid  writeup  of 
Noah,  made  no  mention  of  the  cause  of  his  death.  It  is 
safe  to  presume,  however,  that  he  did  not  die  from  grape 
juice,  or  he  could  not  have  hung  onto  life  nine  hundred 
and  fifty  years. 

it  will  always  be  regretted  by  the  people  of  the  earth 
that  Noah  set  such  a  bad  example.  Even  unto  this  day, 
our  young  Americans  do  not  believe  they  can  be  men  un- 


146 


A  BUXDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 


less  they  get  blind  drunk  with  the  gang  and  then  go  home 
with  a  breath  that  would  remove  paint. 

Lycurgus,  or  some  of  those  old  plutocrats,  had  the  only 
liquor  cure  for  drunkards  with  pride.     Every  time  a  man 


HE  STARTED  TO  WORK  PLOWING  AND  PUTTING  IN  SPRING  WHEAT. 


collected  a  vintage  and  tried  to  go  up  tw^o  streets  at  once, 
the  town  marshal  took  charge  of  him.  He  did  not  put 
him  in  the  lockup,  but  paraded  him  around  town  so 
the  loafers  could  give  him  the  horse  laugh.     This  was 


A  BUNDLE  01'   SU.XSIIINE.  147 

also  done  to  inculcate  a  lesson  in  the  minds  of  the  chil- 
dren. 

That  kind  of  treatment  would  not  work  in  North 
Dakota.  Just  two  drinks  of  that  home  made  tan  bark 
whiskey  will  put  a  man  past  parading.  He  is  seized 
with  fits  and  goes  into  a  trance  and  the  only  way  he 
can  be  paraded  is  on  a  stretcher. 

Yes,  Noah  set  a  pace  that  kills.  But  we  must  not 
speak  unkindly  of  him.  Let  his  faults  rest  with  his 
ashes. 

If  we  could  get  out  of  the  habit  of  using  grievous 
words  about  the  dead,  and  get  into  the  habit  of  using 
soft  words  to  the  living,  there  would  be  less  wrath  and 
more  sunshine. 

If  you  have  an  acquaintance  or  friend  who  is  in 
hard  luck  and  sore  need,  do  not  wait  until  the  poor  fel- 
low dies  before  you  open  your  purse  to  him.  If  he  could 
turn  over  in  his  grave  and  see  you  dumping  a  lot  of 
roses  and  violets  over  his  last  resting  place  he  would 
not  thank  you.  He  would  simply  wonder  why  you  did 
not  spend  that  amount  for  a  porterhouse  steak  and  hot 
cakes  with  honey  for  him.  while  he  was  on  earth  fight- 
ing the  wolves  at  his  door. 

When  that  certain  man  went  from  Jerusalem  to  Jer- 
icho and  fell  among  a  lot  of  sandbaggers  and  holdup 
men,  they  went  through  him.  beat  him  up  and  then 
threw  him  into  a  sewer.  The  Levitc  and  high  priest  who 
passed  along  and  saw  him  half  dead  never  offered  to 
even  lift  him  up  and  lean  his  body  against  a  building. 
In  my  mind  they  should  have  both  been  pinched.  Only 
for  that  Samaritan  coming  along  and  helping  him  out 
of  the  ditch  he  perhaps  would  have  perished  right  there, 
just  for  the  want  of  a  little  help.  It  will  be  remembered 
too  that  the  Samaritan  was  about  broke  himself.     He 


148  A  BUNDLE   OF  SUNSHINE. 

only  had  twopence,  but  that  made  no  difference.  He 
took  the  man  to  a  tavern  and  stood  the  landlord  off 
for  his  board,  with  the  promise  that  if  the  wounded 
man's  bill  amounted  to  more  than  twopence  he  would 
be  traveling-  that  way  again  and  would  settle  with  him. 

If  that  Samaritan  was  on  earth  today  holding  an  office 
with  the  Chicago  Humane  Society  he  would  make  a 
great  hit. 

Cheering  words,  tenderness,  sympathy,  the  glad  mit 
of  good  fellowship  and  a  dish  of  hot  beans  will  brighten 
and  sweeten  the  life  of  many  a  worthy  man  who  is  in 
hard  lines. 


LEM  GRIDLEY. 

HE  chickens  had  gone  to  roost,  the 
song  of  the  red  bird  had  died  away, 
the  voices  of  the  ever  hungry  sand 
shoats  were  hushed  and  the  moon  was 
emerging  from  behind  the  scraggy  hills 
with  her  soft  beams  peeping  through 
the  tall  sycamores.  The  stillness  of  the 
night  was  broken  only  by  the  cricket's 
song  and  the  ghost-like  notes  of  a  screech 
owl.  While  I  sat  on  a  bench  in  front  of  our  house  gaz- 
ing into  the  cerulean  skies  and  wondering  at  the  im- 
mensity of  space  and  why  the  stars  did  not  bump  into 
each  other  once  in  awhile,  I  heard  someone  coming  up 
the  road  whistling.  I  knew  the  whistle,  and  I  almost 
knew  tiie  whistler  was  coming  by  our  place  to  take  me 
out  coon  hunting.  When  he  brought  up  at  the  gate 
he  said  "howdy." 

"Is  that  you,  Lem?"  I  said. 

"I  reckon  yo'ur  powerful  nigh  right.  Hits  sho'  'nuff 
Lem  Gridley,  an'  hits  th'  only  name  I've  ever  went  by. 
My  dad  packed  that  name  'round  clean  up  to  th'  time 
he  fit  in  th'  battle  uv  Pea  Ridge;  an'  thar's  whar  one 
o'  them  Yankee  bullets  tuck  'im  somewhar  in  the  breast, 
an'  we've  been  decoratin'  his  grave  ever  since." 

"Well,  don't  stand  there  at  that  gate  all  night ;  come 
in  and  sit  down ;  this  bench  is  long  enough  for  a  dozen 

149 


I50  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

slim  jims  like  us.  Tell  me  about  your  conduct;  I  have 
not  seen  you  for  a  week  or  two." 

"Wall,  I  run  'bout  middlin'  in  conduct,  but  my  be- 
havior has  bin  mighty  pooh.  Yes,  sir,  I  never  knowed 
hit  ter  run  so  low  ez  hit  did  tuther  day.  I  went  ter 
town  an'  got  inter  Andy  Washburn's  grocery,  an'  some- 
how I  tuck  too  much  o'  that  corn  dew,  an'  I  went  home 
jist  er  bilin'.  The  ole  woman  an'  th'  chillun'  says  I 
tore  down  mighty  nigh  er  hundred  yards  o'  worm  fence. 
I  reckon  they  told  th'  truth  ez  I've  been  buildin'  fence 
ever  since." 

"Well,  how  are  all  your  folks,  Lem?" 

"Oh,  jist  tolerable  like,  all  seem  ter  be  knockin' 
obout  same  ez  ever.  No,  I  allow  I'll  have  ter  take 
that  back;  they  hain't  all  so  well  nuther.  You  know 
'Mandy  Stetson  is  stoppin'  at  my  house  since  last  hog 
killin'  time;  she's  a  kin  to  the  ole  woman  on  her  ma's 
side.  Well,  she  went  ter  Zeb  Patterson's  house  over  at 
Cross  Hollows  tuther  night  ter  er  shin  dig,  an'  while 
she  wuz  dancin'  er  cow-tillon,  th'  caller  got  mixed  up. 
He  called  out:  'Swing  ole  Sug,'  circle  ter  th'  right, 
lemonade  all  an'  cage  th'  bird.'  Hit  happened  ter  be 
'Mandy's  time  ter  be  th'  bird  an'  git  caged,  an'  right 
whar  she  wuz  dancin'  thar  wuz  er  knot  hole  in  th'  pun- 
cheon, an'  I'll  be  durned  ef  th'  fool  gal  didn't  git  one  o' 
her  big  toes  fastened  in  that  hole,  an'  when  she  got  hit 
out,  thar  wuz  'bout  forty  cents'  worth  o'  toe-hide  missin', 
an'  hits  'bout  all  she  kin  do  ter  git  er  round." 

"Have  you  been  coon  hunting  lately?" 

"No,  sir,  I  hain't,  an'  just  'twixt  me  an'  you,  that's 
what  I  come  by  fur  tonight  ter  ax  you  ef  you'd  like 
ter  go  out  fur  er  spell  an'  stir  up  er  nest  o'  coons.  Hit's 
sich  er  fine  night,  I  allow  I  couldn't  stay  ter  home." 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE.  151 

"All  right,  Lem,  I'll  go;  but  where  are  your  dogs?" 

"Hain't  got  any  now,  'cept  Towser,  an'  he's  sich  cr 
liar,  I  won't  take  'im  out.  Why,  that  pesky  fool  dorg 
will  bark  up  o'  stump." 

"Well,  w^hat  will  we  do  for  dogs?  I  loaned  mine 
to  Eli  Banks,  and  he  is  down  on  the  north  fork  of  the 
Big  Mulberry." 

"Tell  you  what  yo'  do;  yo'  jist  wait  harh  'till  I  come 
back.  I'll  cut  er  crost  th'  field  thar  an'  go  over  ter  Bill 
Johnson's  an'  see  ef  I  kin  git  his  dorgs." 

"That's  a  happy  thought.  It  won't  take  you  more 
than  half  an  hour  to  go  there  and  back.  I  know  Bill 
will  loan  you  his  dogs;  he  w^ould  loan  a  friend  his  last 
cup  of  sugar;  and  say,  Lem,  bring  his  boys  along,  too; 
they  like  a  coon  hunt  as  well  as  anybody." 

"Jist  leave  hit  all  ter  me,  I'll  soon  be  back." 

Lem  Gridley  in  some  ways  was  a  pretty  good  sort 
of  a  fellow.  Like  all  men,  of  course,  he  had  his  faults. 
He  was  lanky  and  round  shouldered.  He  could  sit  on 
a  fence  and  watch  the  weeds  choke  his  corn  crop  to  death 
and  not  worry.  He  was  happy  all  the  time,  or  at  least 
he  seemed  so.  He  was  a  great  believer  in  ghosts  and 
he  had  no  time  to  put  in  loafing  around  grave  yards. 

If  he  thought  there  was  no  coon  hunting  in  Heaven 
he  would  not  care  to  go  there.  The  one  room  house  in 
which  he  lived  had  the  appearance  of  an  Arkansaw  incu- 
bator. He  was  the  father  of  seven  children.  Ages  re- 
spectively one,  two,  three,  four,  five,  six  and  seven.  Corn 
"dodgers,"  blackstrap  molasses  and  middling  meat  was 
all  that  ever  graced  his  table  at  meal  time.  He  was 
fond  of  his  liquor,  but  his  circumstances  had  much  to 
do  wath  keeping  him  sober.  \\'henever  he  went  to  town 
he  would  say  to  the  first  person  he  met : 


152  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

"'Scuse  me  fer  interruptin'  you,  but  do  you  know  ef 
thar's  ary  grocery  hyar  whar  a  feller  kin  git  er  sweeten' 
dram?" 

The  liquor  sold  there  at  that  time  was  either  apple 
brandy  or  corn  juice  and  it  would  run  about  127  proof 
in  the  shade.  If  Lem  could  swap  a  coon  skin  for  about 
three  drinks  of  that  moonshine  he  would  let  out  a  yell 
like  a  Sioux  Indian  and  start  for  home.  When  his  chil- 
dren saw  him  coming  they  would  run  under  the  floor 
and  the  cats  would  climb  trees  to  get  out  of  his  way,  as 
it  was  a  known  fact  that  whenever  he  got  drunk  he 
would  do  some  house  cleaning,  regardless  of  the  season 
of  the  year.  No  man  can  lay  down  a  rule  to  follow 
w'hen  he  drinks  that  kind  of  liquor,  for  he  is  liable  to 
denounce  his  own  religion  and  then  steal  the  corn  out 
of  his  own  crib.  It  was  on  these  sprees  that  Lem  was 
sure  to  see  a  flock  of  ghosts,  and  the  way  he  described 
them  would  bring  on  a  chill. 

The  half  hour  was  up  and  I  heard  Lem  and  the 
Johnson  boys  coming  across  the  field. 

"Well,  I'm  back,  an'  I  haint  'lone  nuther,"  Lem  said 
as  he  halted  at  the  wood  pile  a  few  minutes  later,  with 
Silas,  Bob  and  Hank  Johnson,  together  with  four  of 
the  best  coon  dogs  that  ever  made  tracks  in  Peaceful 
Valley. 

"All  right,  Lem,  I'm  ready  and  I'm  glad  you  brought 
the  boys  along.  Now  where  do  you  think  we  had  better 
go? 

"Durned  ef  I  know  'less  we  go  over  ter  'Possum 
Hollow;  thar  ust  ter  be  more  coons  thar,  an'  'round 
up  in  th'  woods  back  uv  Cliff  Morgan's  place,  than  yo' 
could  shake  o'  stick  at.  'Spose  we  try  'Possum  Hollow 
fust?" 


A  BUNDLE  or  SL'XSIIIXE.  153 

"Yes,  that  is  a  regular  camping  ground  for  coons. 
I've  hunted  there  myself,"  Silas  Johnson  said. 

''Very  well,  'Possum  Hollow  goes,"  I  replied,  and 
we  were  off. 

On  one  corner  of  our  homestead  Lester  Perkins  had 
for  several  years  run  a  cabinet,  wagon  and  carpenter 
shop.  He  made  cofifins  for  the  neighborhood  and 
around  his  shop  could  always  be  seen  cofifin  boxes, 
some  resting  on  saw-horses  and  some  on  the  ground. 
There  were  also  wagon  beds,  wheels,  running  gears 
and  the  usual  piles  of  hickory  and  oak  timber  here  and 
there.  A  short  distance  from  his  shop  was  a  grave 
yard.  It  was  said  to  be  the  most  lonesome  place  in 
the  county.  It  had  furnished  many  legends  for  the  early 
settlers.  People  often  wondered  how  Uncle  Lester  Per- 
kins could  live  and  work  so  near  that  haunted  grave 
yard.  The  very  sight  of  it  at  night  would  make  Lem 
Gridley's  teeth  chatter.  He  said  it  was  a  regular  ghost 
breeder.  I  told  Lem  that  it  was  nearer  to  'Possum  Hol- 
low by  the  cabinet  shop.  He  contended  that  I  was 
wrong.  But  I  coaxed  him  to  go  that  way,  although  it 
was  against  his  wishes. 

As  we  passed  by  the  shop  I  noticed  a  covered  coffin 
box  on  the  ground. 

On  we  went  until  we  reached  the  home  of  the  coons. 
I  may  say  here  that  a  coon  is  about  one-third  the  size 
of  a  yellow  dog.  It  gives  battle  best  when  in  water. 
In  time  of  danger  it  playfully  swims  out  into  dee}) 
water  and  defies  all  dogs.  When  it  is  attacked  the  dog 
must  understand  his  business  or  the  coon  will  drown 
him. 

"Listen!  I  thought  I  heard  Bowser,"  Hank  Johnson 
remarked. 


154  A  BUXDLE  Of  SUXSHINE. 

"Durned  ef  you  haint  right.  Hank,  that's  Bowser's 
bark,  an'  he's  treed  o'  coon  sho's  you're  er  Swamp 
Angel,"  Lem  rephed. 

We  all  started  on  the  run  and  soon  arrived  at  the 
place  where  Bowser  and  the  rest  of  the  dogs  were  bark- 
ing an  opening  ode  up  an  elm  tree. 

"Thar  hit  is !  blame  my  buttons  ef  hit  haint  er  whop- 
per, too.  See  'im  out  on  yon  limb,  er  settin'  thar  ez 
sassy  ez  er  crow  in  watermillion  time?"  Lem 
excitedly  exclaimed  as  he  stood  panting  for  breath  with 
his  head  thrown  back.  The  tree  was  on  the  bank  of 
a  creek  and  I  suspected  that  we  would  have  some  sport. 
I  voluntered  to  climb  the  tree  and  make  the  coon  jump 
out.  Lem  gave  me  a  boost  and  up  I  went.  When  I 
got  within  seven  or  eight  feet  of  it  the  coon  made  a 
leap  for  the  water.  Bowser  plunged  in  after  it  and 
Lem  did  the  coaching  after  his  own  style. 

"Sic  'em,  Bowser!"  said  he;  "that's  right!  dround 
'em,  Bowser!  git  'em  by  th'  throat  an'  drag  'em  out'n 
thar!  go  fur  'em.  Bowser!" 

Lem  was  yelling  at  the  top  of  his  voice.  Bob  and 
Silas  had  kept  the  other  dogs  back  so  Bowser  had  the 
first  round  to  himself. 

"Wonder  if  Bowser  can  bring  it  out  alone?"  I  heard 
Hank  say  as  I  was  coming  down  the  tree. 

"Bring  out  nothin',"  Lem  replied  with  an  uneasy 
look.  "Can't  yo'  see  thar  haint  near  so  much  splashin'  ? 
I'm  'feared  Bowser's  er  gittin'  th'  wust  o'  it." 

"Gee  whiz !  we  can't  lose  Bowser !  Some  of  us  must 
go  in  after  him,"  Silas  said  with  an  anxious  look. 

"You  go,  Lem,"  I  said. 

"Well  I  should  cough  up  o'  cat,  'course  I'll  go,"  and 
in  he  went. 


A  BUNDLE   Of  SUXSIIIXH.  I55 

He  waded  out  but  a  short  distance  when  he  found 
that  Bowser  had  fought  his  last  coon.  He  was  tlien 
into  the  creek  waist  deep  and  still  going.  He  turned  to 
us  and  said : 

"Sic  th'  dorgs  on  that  blamed  coon,  fellers,  he's 
makin'  fur  tuther  side." 

We  did  as  requested,  and  it  was  captured  on  the 
other  bank  by  the  three  dogs.  Lem,  of  course,  unmind- 
ful of  any  danger,  was  going  on  to  the  other  side  to 
bring  back  the  coon.  All  at  once  he  stepped  into  a  pot 
hole  and  I  thought  from  the  time  he  was  under  the  water 
he  had  gone  to  join  Bowser.  He  finally  came  up  head 
first  blowing  and  spouting  like  a  porpoise. 

"Wheel  that  durned  coon  must  o'  thought  I  wuz 
nuther  dorg  an'  tried  ter  drown'  me  too,"  he  said,  as 
he  scrambled  for  shallow  water. 

He  waded  back  to  the  bank  looking  like  a  rat  in  a 
rain  storm. 

"Blame  my  skin,  ef  I  don't  think  I'd  er  drownded 
ef  I'd  er  stayed  under  th'  water  nuther  hour  longer.  I 
tell  you,  I  had  er  powerful  narrow  escape  that  time. 
Now  some  o'  yo'  fellers  go  up  th'  crick  'bout  two  whoops, 
er  yell  an'  er  whistle  from  harh,  an'  you'll  find  er  foot- 
log;  yo'  jist  cross  over  ter  tuther  side  an'  git  that  all- 
fired  coon,  while  I  stay  harh,  an'  let  some  o'  that  crick 
water  drip  off'en  me." 

"All  right,  Lem/'  I  said.  "Silas  and  I  will  bring  it 
over." 

We  were  but  a  short  time  bringing  back  the  biggest 
coon  ever  caught  in  'Possum  Hollow. 

"Thar's  the  biggest  coon  I  ever  seed,  but  ez  long  ez 
I  ever  live,  an'  ez  long  ez  my  name  is  Lem  Gridley,  I 
kin  never  git  over  er  losing  that  dorg,  an'  I'm  monsters 
'feard  that  Bill  Johnson'll  be  mifted  er  'bout  us  o'  losin' 


156  A  BUNDLE   OF  SUX SHINE. 

uv  "em.  Now  bein'  ez  I'm  soaked  clean  ter  th'  hide. 
I  reckon  we'd  jist  ez  well  be  hikin'  out  fer  home." 

Hank  throwed  the  coon  over  his  shoulder,  we  took 
a  sorrowful  look  at  the  place  where  Bowser  had  lost  his 
life  and  were  off  for  home. 

Some  little  time  before  we  reached  the  cabinet  shop 
we  came  to  the  forks  of  a  road.  I  told  the  boys  I  was 
going  to  Mr.  Wilson's  house  to  borrow  his  shot  gun 
for  a  squirrel  hunt  next  day. 

"Better  hurry  up  ef  yo'  want  ter  git  thar  by  moon- 
light, 'caze  hits  er  cloudin'  up  like  Sam  Patch,  an'  I 
'spect  ter  git  'nuther  wettin'  myse'f  'fore  I  git  home," 
was  Lem's  remark  as  I  started  down  the  other  road. 

I  had  not  the  least  intention  of  going  to  Mr.  Wil- 
son's. I  wanted  to  reach  the  cabinet  yard  ahead  of  them, 
get  into  that  coffin  box  and  play  ghost  for  Lem's  benefit. 
I  did  some  tall  running.  ]\Iy  intention  was  to  lie  down 
in  the  coffin  box  and  fix  the  lid  over  me  and  when  the 
boys  came  along  kick  it  into  the  air,  jump  out  and  give 
a  scream"  that  would  just  about  frighten  Lem  to  death. 
I  picked  the  same  box  I  had  noticed  as  we  went  out.  I 
stopped  to  rest  for  a  moment  after  my  fast  run.  The 
moon  was  hid  behind  a  black  cloud  and  the  wind  was 
moaning  through  the  elms.  Overhead  in  an  oak  tree 
an  owl  gave  that  death-like  hoot:  "Whoo!  whoo! 
whoo!"  The  night  was  growing  darker  every  minute 
from  the  approaching  storm.  The  heavy  thunder  seemed 
to  jar  that  coffin  in  front  of  me.  The  owls  kept  on  with 
their  sad  wails.  The  lightning  flashed  all  around  and  I 
was  fast  giving  up  the  notion  of  getting  into  the  coffin 
box.  I  thought  if  I  would  squat  down  behind  it  and 
jump  up  when  the  boys  came  by  that  would  do 
just  as  well  as  getting  inside.  As  I  sat  down  behind 
the  box  I  heard  some  one  turn  over  in  it.     There  was 


A  BVNDIJi  OF  SUNSHINE.  157 

no  use  for  me  to  try  and  believe  that  I  only  thought  I 
heard  something,  for  I  know  that  I  did.  My  hair  simply 
lifted  my  hat  straight  up.  My  heart  was  hammering  on 
my  ribs  and  I  was  almost  transfixed  with  fright.  The 
storm  was  growing  painfully  furious.  Those  two  owls 
came  out  on  an  encore  and  sang  one  of  their  saddest 
refrains.  I  could  feel  my  blood  turning  cold.  Just  then 
I  heard  something  breathing  in  the  coffin,  a  second  later 
it  turned  over  again.  The  noise  could  not  be  mistaken 
for  a  myth.  I  had  never  believed  in  ghosts,  but  I  knew 
there  was  one  in  that  box.  I  was  afraid  to  move.  I 
sat  there  stricken  with  terror  and  prayed  for  the  boys  to 
come  along.  Presently  I  heard  the  dogs  coming,  then 
I  heard  the  boys  talking  as  they  neared  the  yard.  Just 
as  the  storm  was  at  its  height,  the  wind  was  blowing  down 
trees  and  great  limbs  were  crashing  through  the  timber, 
the  awful  noise  was  indescribable.  The  boys  came  along 
and  as  they  were  passing  within  a  few  feet  of  me  some- 
thing terrible  took  place.  I  jumped  high  into  the  air 
and  screamed.  Simultaneously  that  coffin  lid  went  up 
and  a  ghost  as  white  as  a  sheet  jumped  out.  The  awful 
noise  it  made  was  sickening.  I  heard  Lem  utter  a  most 
pitiful  cry  and  then  he  started  on  a  dead  run,  knocking 
down  fences  and  tearing  through  the  woods  like  a  wild 
monster.  The  boys  went  different  directions.  I 
jumped  a  fence  and  took  across  a  corn  field,  breaking 
down  whole  rows  at  a  time,  and  that  ghost  kept  right 
alongside  of  me  and  every  time  it  struck  the  earth 
yards  of  corn  stalks  were  broken  down.  At  last  I  reached 
home  and  fell  against  the  door  in  a  faint,  while  that 
ghost  leaned  against  the  house  breathing  heavily.  Pa 
opened  the  door  and  found  me  almost  breathless  with 
my  hands  and  face  bleeding  freely  from  the  cuts  made 
by  the  corn  blades.     He  pulled  me  into  the  house  and 


IS8 


A  BUNDLE  or  SUNSHINE. 


the  ghost  followed.  When  I  was  brought  back  to  life 
and  got  so  I  could  speak  all  was  explained.  The  ghost 
was  a  cousin  of  mine  who  came  to  visit  us  that  night 
about  twenty  minutes  after  I  left  for  the  coon  hunt.     We 


I  JUMPED   HIGH    INTO  THE   AIR   AND   SCREAMED. 

had  both  thought  of  the  same  trick,  only  he  had  gotten 
into  the  coffin.  When  I  jumped  up  from  behind  the 
cof!in  he  thought  I  was  a  ghost.  \\'hen  he  jumped  out 
of  the  coffin  I  thought  he  was  a  ghost,  while  Lem  and 


SHE    CAME    UP    TO    ME    AND    ASKED    IF    I    WOULD    LIKE    TO    BUY 
HER    DOG. 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE.  159 

the  other  boys  knew  that  we  were  both  ghosts.  It  was 
some  little  time  before  Lem's  wounds  healed  up,  as  he 
bumped  against  trees  and  fences  for  nearly  five  miles. 
The  last  time  I  heard  of  him  was  twenty  years  afterward, 
and  he  had  not  in  all  that  time  passed  nearer  than  three 
miles  of  that  cabinet  shop  or  grave  yard. 


CHICAGO. 


HICAGO,  like  every  town  in  the  state 

of  Illinois,  is  more  or  less  situated. 

Some  of  the  sidewalks  in  Chicago 

are  full  of  knot  holes,  but  they  are 

not  wholly  objectionable. 

The  Sun  rises  and  sets  in  the  city 
limits,  i.  e. :  when  the  wind  does 
not  blow  out  his  light. 

Should  a  young  man  take  his  fair 
one  out  for  a  stroll  along  the  scenic  banks  of  the  Chi- 
cago river ;  should  he  become  intoxicated  with  the  melli- 
fluent fragrance  as  it  softly  oozes  adown  the  gurgling 
stream,  and  should  gaze  into  the  liquid  eyes  of  his  fair 
one  and  there  and  then  should  he  conclude  that  he  couldn't 
be  "hern,"  and  she  couldn't  be  "hisn,"  he  can  find  good 
grounds  on  which  to  let  her  slide. 

Speaking  of  the  Chicago  river :  Said  river  runs  east- 
ward as  the  water  gods  of  Lockport  will  it.  When  it 
flows  eastward,  it  empties  into  the  Chicago  Lake.  Chi- 
cago Lake  empties  into  the  Chicago  Ocean,  and  the  Chi- 
cago Ocean  empties  into  the  River  of  Styx.  Passenger 
boats  leave  Chicago  daily  for  Charon's  Ferry  on  the 
tropical  Styx;  but  no  return  tickets  are  sold.  The  wise 
men  of  the  east  do  say  that  emigration  to  that  port  is 
increasing  yearly. 

i6o 


A   BUNDLE  OF  SUXSHINE.  iGi 

Chicago  is  two  feet  above  the  lake  level  and  fifteen 
miles  below  Evanston,  on  the  main  traveled  road  to  In- 
diana. 

Before  Chicago  was  discovered  men  of  means  would 
often  spend  thousands  of  dollars  traveling  abroad  for 
the  purpose  of  seeing  all  nationalities.  Today  that  would 
be  sinful  extravagance.  Any  man  with  the  small  sum 
of  five  cents  can  take  a  Milwaukee  avenue  cable  car 
and  see  every  nationality  on  earth  inside  of  forty  min- 
utes. 

Several  hundred  years  ago  a  cultured  old  lady  of  the 
name  of  Mother  Shipton  fell  heir  to  considerable  wi.s- 
dom  and  forethought.  In  one  of  her  poems  entitled 
"Future  Events,"  she  said:  "Iron  shall  float  as  easy 
as  a  wooden  boat."  She  is  right  about  that.  In  Chicago 
iron  has  been  floated,  and  heavy  ore  too,  that  didn't  have 
a  trace  of  iron.  All  kinds  of  metal  have  been  floated ; 
just  as  easy  as  wood  when  there  was  a  smart  promoter 
to  put  the  deal  through. 

The  wise  old  prophetess  also  said  :  "In  the  air  men 
shall  be  seen  in  red,  blue  and  green."  That  also  came 
to  pass.  If  she  could  have  been  in  Chicago  during  the 
panic  of  1893  she  could'  have  seen  men  go  into  the  air 
in  more  colors  than  she  predicted.  It  was  simply  a 
case  of  levitation.  She  also  said :  "Through  hills,  men 
shall  ride,  with  neither  horse  nor  ass  at  their  side."  "That 
is  a  cinch.  In  Chicago  they  can  ride  on  the  hog  train, 
without  taking  to  the  hills. 

She  further  said  :  "Under  water  men  shall  talk,  sleep 
and  walk."  That  has  alm.ost  come  true  in  Chicago.  In 
the  street  car  tunnels  under  the  Chicago  river,  passengers 
talk  and  employees  sometimes  walk.  But  there  is  no 
sleeping  done.     The  conductors  keep  everybody  awake 


i62  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

collecting  fares.    The  only  thing  that  ever  gets  into  Chi- 
cago without  paying  taxes  is  the  light  of  the  moon. 

St.  Louis  is  beholden  to  Chicago  for  the  fine  assort- 
ment of  microbes  furnished  her,  through  the  drainage 
canal.  Bacteriologists  have  long  been  acquainted  with  the 
common  breed  of  microbes  causing  well  known  contagious 
diseases.  Take  for  instance  consumption ;  the  germ  caus- 
ing that  disease  is  known  to  medical  science  as  the  comma 
bacillus;  comma  is  the  Christian  name  and  bacillus,  of 
course  the  surname;  but  why  this  germ  should  be  called 
comma  is  more  than  I  am  able  to  explain.  The  definition 
of  comma  is  a  short  pau^e  in  a  sentence ;  a  consumptive 
bacillus  has  no  time  to  pause — it  will  not  even  take  an 
eight-hour  shift,  but  keeps  right  on  doing  business  until 
at  last  it  puts  the  owner  of  the  lungs  out  of  business. 

Cerebro  spinal  meningitis  is  a  contagion  caused  by 
the  germ  diplococus  intercellularis,  or  the  gourd-neck 
bacillus.  They  run  in  schools  and  do  a  big  business  wher- 
ever they  light. 

The  most  spirited,  light-footed  germ  of  all  is  the 
spirillum  cholerae  asiaticus.  They  are  the  inventors  and 
prime  movers  in  cholera.  They  demand  elbow  room  and 
do  their  rehearsing  unmolested.  Now  comes  the  Chi- 
cago drainage  canal  germs.  They  have  all  the  old  school 
microbes  skinned  to  death  on  up-to-date  diseases.  St. 
Louis  will  stand  at  the  head  of  the  class  on  microbeology 
in  a  few  years. 

Chicago  has  some  large  things  standing,  such  as  the 
Masonic  Temple  and  the  city  debt. 

The  saloon  keepers  in  Chicago  must  be  very  gener- 
ous and  open  hearted,  as  there  are  7,943  of  them  who 
hang  out  signs  which  read  :  "Free  Lunch  Served  Here." 
I  never  heard  of  but  one  man  helping  himself  to  a  free 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE.  163 

lunch  without  paying  and  he  has  been  a  hopeless  cripple 
ever  since.  No  man  should  try  taking  saloon  lunches 
without  first  writing  home  to  his  folks  and  telling  them 
what  kind  of  an  epitaph  he  wants  on  his  grave  stone. 

The  river  on  the  north,  Harrison  street  on  the  south, 
the  lake  on  the  east  and  Clinton  street  on  the  west  sur- 
rounds the  most  congested  district  in  Chicago.  When 
I  was  a  boy  I  remember  the  first  time  I  went  to  town 
(not  Chicago)  my  folks  told  me  to  be  careful  about 
crossing  the  streets,  as  I  might  get  run  over;  and  if  I 
saw  that  I  was  in  danger  I  must  run  to  a  telegraph  pole 
and  hug  it  closely.  That  will  not  work  in  Chicago,  as 
teamsters  will  drive  right  into  a  post  or  telegraph  pole 
just  the  same  as  they  drive  over  men,  women  and  chil- 
dren in  the  streets.  No  man  with  a  well  balanced  mind 
will  undertake  to  cross  any  street  in  the  above  mentioned 
district  without  first  saying  his  prayers.  Strangers  going 
to  Chicago  should  pay  up  all  back  dues  on  their  life  in- 
surance policies  and  get  their  business  affairs  in  shape  so 
their  folks  will  have  no  trouble  after  their  death. 

When  a  man  starts  across  Madison  street,  say,  at 
the  Tribune  building,  he  is  stopped  by  a  coal  wagon 
going  east,  and  by  two  express  wagons,  three  buggies, 
an  automobile  and  a  van  going  west.  Somehow  he 
misses  them  all  and  advancing  a  few  feet  has  to  turn 
edgewise  to  let  a  brewery  wagon  pass  in  front  and  a 
garbage  wagon  behind  him.  He  steps  on  the  car  track 
just  in  time  to  back  off  before  a  cable  car  runs  over  him. 
Then  come  six  wagons  going  east  and  seventeen  going 
west.  He  is  once  more  on  the  car  track,  only  to  be  rung 
off  by  the  gripman.  To  save  his  life  he  runs  west  along 
the  track  ahead  of  a  team  until  he  gets  a  chance  to  turn 
to  the  left.  Half  way  down  the  block  he  darts  between 
a  team  and  the  rear  end  of  a  dray,  just  in  time  to  run 


164  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

into  a  coal  wagon.  After  that  passes,  he  is  chased  back 
east  to  the  corner  of  the  Hartford  building  and  by  a 
quick  dash  between  two  other  teams  he  reaches  the  side- 
walk. If  he  is  not  crippled  he  will  have  a  sinful  soul, 
because  he  swore  enough  at  the  teamsters  to  break  up 
the  whole  plan  of  salvation. 

If  a  man  can  make  his  way  to  an  elevated  station 
he  stands  some  chance  of  living.  I  knew  a  farmer  who 
went  to  Chicago  to  visit  his  married  daughter.  She 
lived  on  Sixty-third  street  and  he  was  instructed  by  let- 
ter when  he  arrived  at  the  North-Western  depot  at  8 130 
a.  m.  to  go  to  the  elevated  station  at  Clark  and  Lake 
streets.  This  he  did,  but  in  place  of  taking  a  South  Side 
train  he  went  to  Logan  Square.  When  he  returned  he 
thought  perhaps  he  had  taken  the  train  at  the  wrong 
station,  so  he  climbed  the  stairs  at  State  and  Lake  streets. 
This  time  he  went  to  Douglas  Park.  He  tried  another 
station  and  went  to  West  Fortieth  avenue.  By  this  time 
it  was  night,  so  he  put  up  at  a  hotel  on  Clark  street  and 
the  next  morning  hired  an  express  wagon  to  take  him  to 
Sixty-third  street.  The  most  serious  thing  about  this 
joke  is  that  old  residenters  often  take  the  wrong  entrance 
at  stations  and  pay  fare  twice. 

The  only  way  to  be  safe  in  Chicago  is  to  buy  a  ticket 
on  some  railroad  and  leave  town. 

Chicago  is  a  poor  place  for  a  man  if  he  is  broke,  un- 
less he  is  sure  he  can  borrow  money  from  a  lamp  post. 

Chicago  is  a  great  place  to  introduce  a  stranger  out 
of  his  money.  When  I  say  introduce  I  mean  that  he 
will  meet  a  friend  nine  times  out  of  ten  somewhere.  He 
invites  the  friend  to  join  him  in  a  smile.  They  go  into 
Jim's  or  Jack's  place  and  there  the  friend  will  meet  nine 
old  college  chums — all  thirsty — and  at  once  the  friend 
introduces  the  stranger  to  the  sloppy  nine,  or  as  the  friend 


A  BUNDLE   OF  SUNSHINE. 


165 


calls  them,  the  bunch  or  the  push.     Then  all  the  stranger 
can  say,  is : 

"Gentlemen,  we  were  just  poing-  to  have  something; 
won't  you  join  us?" 


THERE3  THE  FRIEND  RUNS  INTO  TWENTY-THREE  MEMBERS  OF  THE 
HOTFOOT  CLUB,    OF  WHICH   HE   IS  THE   PRESIDENT. 

"Oh — we  don't  mind,"  is  the  answer  in  concert. 

They  all  call  for  fifteen  cent  drinks,  because  the 
stranger  looks  like  ready  money.  So  in  that  place  the 
stranger  is  introduced  out  of  $1.65.  Then  the  friend  and 
the  stranger  try  another  place.     There  the  friend  runs 


ib6  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

into  twenty-three  members  of  the  Hotfoot  Club,  of  which 
he  is  the  president.  The  stranger  is  promptly  introduced 
to  that  bunch  and  of  course  invites  them  to  have  some- 
thing.    No  member  has  the  nerve  to  refuse. 

"How  much,  please?"  says  the  stranger  to  the  Fru- 
menti  prestidigitator. 

"$3.75,"  is  the  polite  answer  from  the  man  in  white. 

It  is  then  9 130  a,  m.,  only  two  places  have  been  vis- 
ited, yet  the  stranger  has  been  introduced  out  of  $5.40. 

Chicago  is  a  great  place  for  people  to  grow  down- 
hearted and  despondent.  The  sunshine  of  life  fades 
away.  They  are  heavy  of  heart  and  every  hope  slowly 
sinks  into  obscurity.  There  is  an  old  saying:  'Tt  is 
always  darkest  before  dawn."  I  heard  a  Chicago  man 
once  say,  that  if  it  got  much  darker  with  him  he  would 
have  to  get  a  lantern. 

A  few  years  ago  I  attended  the  "Twelve  Temptations" 
at  the  Chicago  opera  house.  After  the  play  I  went  to 
the  North  Side  to  meet  a  friend.  Passing  through  Wash- 
ington Place  I  noticed  a  woman  sitting  on  one  of  the 
park  seats  with  her  face  buried  in  her  hands.  I  won- 
dered if  she  could  be  waiting  for  a  car  in  the  middle  of 
the  park.  As  I  neared  my  destination  I  could  not  dis- 
miss the  woman  and  her  seeming  distress  from  my  mind. 
I  could  not  persuade  myself  to  think  otherwise  than  that 
she  was  in  deep  trouble.  I  halted  at  the  north  end  of 
the  park,  looked  back,  and  could  see  a  dim  form.  She 
had  not  moved.  I  have  always  tried  to  be  a  philanthro- 
pist and  have  a  warm  spot  in  my  heart  for  anyone  in 
distress.  I  resolved  that  I  would  return  and  see  if  I 
could  in  any  way  assist  that  broken-hearted  woman.  I 
turned  back  and  when  I  came  up  to  her  I  said :  "You 
will  pardon  me,  miss,  for  addressing  you,  but  seeing  you 
here  in  the  park  on  a  cold  winter  night  like  this  I  was  led 


A- BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE.  167 

to  believe  you  were  in  trouble  and  if  you  want  any  assist- 
ance I  will  do  all  in  my  power  to  aid  you."  She  looked 
up  at  nie  with  piercing  eyes  and  said : 

"Say,  young  teller,  now  don't  you  get  gay,  or  I'll 
call  a  cop  and  have  you  pinched,  see?" 

I  said  no  more  and  walked  away  with  a  misogynist's 
tread.  I  had  reached  the  conclusion  that  she  was  not 
the  thirteenth  temptation. 

It  is  not  every  one  who  finds  gloom  and  grief  in  Chi- 
cago— some  of  them  take  it  with  them. 

One  day  while  roaming  around  in  Lincoln  park  I 
came  across  a  man  resting  his  elbows  on  the  back  of  a 
seat  trying  to  wail  away  his  life. 

I  asked  him  what  he  was  crying  about.  He  looked 
up  for  an  instant  and  then  buried  his  face  in  his  hands 
deep  enough  to  hide  his  cow-lick  and  said : 

"My  story  is  a  sad  one.  When  a  boy,  less  than  fif- 
teen years  old,  I  joined  the  army.  I  wanted  to  do  some- 
thing to  make  my  name  famous  and  give  history  a  chance 
to  fill  up  on  some  new  stuff.  I  did  not  do  much  fight- 
ing, as  the  company  to  which  I  belonged  was  not  out 
for  that  purpose.  We  had  many  fields  of  action  and 
did  great  work  in  our  way.  Our  captain  was  a  log  thief 
in  Wisconsin  before  the  war.  As  well  as  I  remember  we 
were  about  300  strong,  armed  to  the  teeth. 

"The  most  crushing  time  in  my  war  experience  was 
when  we  had  charge  of  a  boat  traveling  up  White  river 
in  Arkansaw.  The  object  of  our  trip  was  to  make  a  col- 
lection of  supplies  and  do  a  general  pilfering  business  in 
the  interest  of  our  captain,  who  always  kept  the  change. 
I  distinctly  remember  the  first  stop  we  made.  A  large, 
white  house  on  the  river  bank  looked  deserted  and  lone- 
some. The  captain  ordered  us  to  take  everything  in  sight. 
We  transferred  to  our  boat  600  pounds  of  hams,  two  bar- 


1 68  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

rels  of  salt  and  many  other  things.  The  men  connected 
with  the  farm  had  gone  to  fight  for  their  country,  leav- 
ing the  women  and  one  or  two  aged  wing-footed  coons. 
Ah !  to  this  day  I  can  see  that  poor  woman  as  she  stood 
upon  the  door  steps  with  her  two  daughters,  crying  and 
pleading  with  us  brave  soldiers  not  to  take  everything. 
She  said  they  had  no  way  to  earn  a  living  and  starva- 
tion would  surely  come  to  them.  Our  captain  cared 
not  for  their  tears  and  ordered  us  to  leave  nothing  be- 
hind but  our  record,  and  that  record  is  today  painted 
upon  my  brain  in  dull  smoke  color  and  it  is  killing  me 
by  inches. 

"Day  after  day  we  traveled  up  that  river,  stopping  at 
every  house  where  we  thought  we  could  make  a  haul. 
Many  times  I  tried  to  make  my  escape  from  the  boat 
but  could  not  and  had  to  stay  and  take  the  regular  dose. 
When  the  war  ended  I  began  to  reflect  and  suffer  with 
remorse.  As  time  passed  I  grieved  harder  and  louder 
and  more  of  it.  I  saw  plainly  that  I  could  not  live 
long  if  I  did  not  get  my  wailing  checked.  I  took  pills 
and  pellets  and  all  the  drugs  I  could  get  but  without 
effect.  At  last  I  decided  to  come  to  Chicago,  as  I  had 
been  told  that  the  noise  and  lake  winds  would  assist  me 
in  departing  from  this  life.  I  find  this  to  be  true,  and 
now  feel  that  the  end  is  near." 

I  asked  him  on  what  side  he  belonged  during  the 
war.  He  said  he  did  not  remember,  but  rather  thought 
he  did  not  belong  to  either  side,  as  the  people  called  him 
and  his  company  jayhawkers. 

I  tried  to  console  him  by  singing  a  little  song  filled 
with  pathos  and  sentiment.  His  eyes  were  blinded  with 
scalding  tears  and  before  I  had  finished  the  first  stanza 
he  had  fallen  to  the  ground  in  a  globular  heap.     I  assisted 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 


160 


him  a  to  comfortable  seat  under  an  oak  and  asked  him 
if  I  could  help  him. 

"No,  sir,"  he  said,  in  a  low  feeble  voice,  "except  I 
wish  you  wouldn't  sing." 


I  TRIED  TO  CONSOLE  HIM   BY  SINGING  A  LITTLE  SONG  FILLED  WITH 
PATHOS  AND   SENTIMENT. 


Chicago  is  well  supplied  with  matrimonial  agencies. 
If  a  man  is  at  all  anxious  to  get  married  he  can  soon 
be  a  husband,  breathing  upon  the  front  tooth  of  a  lov- 
ing wife. 


170  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

I  received  the  following  letter  from  the  Chicago  Gor- 
dian  Knot  Matrimonial  Agency  a  short  time  ago : 

"Dear  Sir :  We  take  the  liberty  of  enclosing  a  few 
specimen  descriptive  photos  (selected  at  random)  of  ladies 
who  belong  to  the  Gordian  Knot  Private  Agency.  These 
ladies  all  desire  gentlemen  either  with  a  view  tO  matri- 
mony or  for  amusement.  If  none  of  these  suit  you 
we  have  hundreds  of  others  to  select  from.  Remit  us 
$2  and  give  us  a  transparent  idea  of  the  kind  of  ladies 
with  whom  you  wish  to  correspond.  We  have  lady  mem- 
bers of  every  age  and  color;  black,  white  or  tan;  any 
religion  or  nationality ;  living  in  every  part  of  the  United 
States.  We  introduce  each  gentleman  to  fifteen  ladies. 
Out  of  that  number  he  ought  to  be  able  to  choose  a 
congenial  correspondent.  All  questions  cheerfully  an- 
swered. If  you  have  any  doubt  about  our  being  able 
to  please  you  write  us  and  we  will  state  distinctly  what 
we  can  do  for  you.  When  your  case  and  $2  in  money 
is  placed  in  our  hands  it  will  receive  our  personal  atten- 
tion, and  all  your  wants  will  be  carefully  considered. 
Our  business  is  confidential.  You  will  notice  photo  No, 
3,602,  Tyrone,  Anderson  county,  Ky.  She  is  a  grass 
widow,  chuck  full  of  fun,  very  affectionate  and  in  busi- 
ness for  herself.  She  desires  the  companionship  and 
coddling  of  a  good  husband.  She  is  forty-three  past; 
stands  ten  hands  and  four  inches  high  barefooted.  Has 
means  and  will  inherit  more.  She  would  not  care  for  a 
husband  whose  breath  could  be  ignited  with  a  match,  or 
one  who  combs  his  hair  with  a  towel. 

"No.  3.527,  St.  Paul,  Decatur  county,  Ind.,  is  a 
beauty.  Has  a  little  money — to  get — and  is  healthy;  is 
affectionate  and  seldom  chews  gum.  Weighs  1 10  pounds 
in  summer,  but  fattens  up  some  during  the  winter.  She 
toes  in  a  little,  but  none  to  hurt.     She  has  roan  hair;  is 


-SHE  IS  A  GRASS  WIDOW,   CHUCK  FULL  OF  FUN.   VERY  AFFECTION- 
ATE AND  IN  BUSINESS  FOR   HERSELF.' 
171 


172  A  BUNDLE  OF  SU\ SHINE. 

a  little  shy  and  pouty  at  times.  You  would  like  her. 
Her  first  three  husbands  are  dead. 

"No.  438  is  a  perfect  dream.  Her  long  eyelashes 
are  enough  to  torment  a  man  in  his  grave.  She  is  bux- 
om, frisky  and  kittenish.  She  is  from  good  stock  and 
is  itching  to  get  married.  We  think  you  would  not  be 
taking  any  chances — even  though  you  may  think  that 
marriage  is  a  failure — in  buckling  onto  this  girl,  for  she 
is  the  finest  looker  that  ever  trotted  in  a  shirt  waist. 

"In  our  list  you  will  find  several  hundred  members 
ranging  in  age  from  16  to  y^-  Knowing  our  ability  to 
please  we  would  like  to  hear  from  you." 

I  am  forced  to  believe  that  the  Gordian  Knot  Wed- 
lock Bureau  was  a  little  overpresumptuous  in  my  case. 
In  the  first  place  I  am  not  on  the  market.  Again  I 
think  their  charges  are  too  high;  $2  is  too  much  for 
a  wife,  where  you  are  only  allowed  a  choice  of  fifteen 
women.  Had  they  looked  up  my  standing  in  Dun's  or 
Bradstreets'  agencies  they  could  have  seen  that  I  am  a 
man  who  would  not  care  to  tie  up  to  a  woman  selected 
at  random.  In  my  mind  marriage  is  a  failure,  unless 
the  husband  has  plenty  of  fortitude  and  groceries,  ac- 
companied by  compatibility  of  temperament  and  a  cash 
income.     Otherwise — otherwise. 

Chicago  some  years  has  two  seasons,  July  and  winter. 

Chicago  has  the  most  accommodating  department 
stores  in  the  world.  In  passing  through  them  one  sees 
hundreds  of  signs  and  cards  reading: 

"Special  price  on  hard  and  soft  coal,  gas  stoves, 
laundry  soap  and  alarm  clocks  today." 

"We  do  horseshoeing  and  wagon  tire  setting  at  half 
price." 

"Moles,  warts  and  superfluous  hair  removed  on  the 
fifth  floor.     Take  the  elevator." 


•WEIGHS   110    POUNDS    IN    SUMMER,    BUT    FATTENS   UP    SOME    UURINO 
THE  WINTER/' 


'73 


174  ^4  BUNDLE  OF  SUXSHIXE. 

"Coal  oil,  hair  vigor,  kindling  wood  and  fly  paper 
reduced  33  1-3  per  cent." 

"Pet  monkeys,  Peruvian  torn  cats,  tigers,  elephants 
and  salt  codfish  on  the  top  floor,  sold  at  less  than  cost." 

"Dentistry  on  second  floor.  Have  your  teeth  plugged 
with  zinc,  very  cheap." 

"New  spring  styles  of  burial  caskets  now  on  sale." 

"Plough  harness,  cheese,  lime,  ice  cream  and  shirt 
waists  in  the  basement." 

"Try  our  restaurant  on  the  fourth  floor.  Coffee  and 
doughnuts  five  cents." 

"Hair  oil,  fountain  pens,  pine  tar,  smokers'  articles 
and  Spanish  lace  reduced  as  advertised." 

"Leave  your  measure  for  a  new  set  of  teeth  today, 
$1.69." 

"We  have  just  received  a  large  bankrupt  stock  of 
fine  cigars,  which  are  now  on  sale.  All  of  the  twenty- 
five-cent  brands  w^ill  be  sold  at  three  for  five  cents." 

"Our  farm  implement  department  is  complete.  Sep- 
arators, binders,  drag  harrow^s,  sod  ploughs,  rakes,  mow- 
ers, corn  planters  and  fan  mills  always  sold  at  cost." 

"Today  special  cut -price  on  gas  fixtures,  ladies'  hose, 
lead  pipe,  standard  corsets,  picture  frames,  buggy  robes, 
cathartic  pills,  matches,  foulard  silks  and  axle  grease." 

"Great  reduction  in  mixed  candy,  unlaundried  shirts, 
New  Orleans  molasses,  shoe  polish,  horse  liniment,  sew- 
ing machine  oil  and  suspenders  during  this  great  sale." 

"Barber  shop  on  third  floor.  Hair  cut,  shave  and 
shine  reduced  to  19  cents." 

"Corns,  bunions,  ingrowing  toe  nails,  chilblains  and 
enlargement  of  the  feet  successfully  treated  at  half  price 
on  the  second  floor." 

"Veterinary  surgeon,  phrenologist  and  clairvoyant  in 
the  bicycle  department." 


A  BUNDLE  OP  SUNSHINE. 


175 


"Try  our  fifteen-year-old  rye  whiskey.  Reduced 
from  $1.50  per  quart  to  29  cents." 

"Photographs  taken  at  one-third  the  regular  price  to- 
day." 


"SHE    IS    THE    FINEST    LOOKER    THAT    EVER    TROTTED    IN    A    SHIRT 

WAIST." 

"A  great  bargain  in  all-wool  pants,  maple  syrup, 
pocket  knives,  fast  colored  socks,  tar  roofing,  tinware, 
rat  j)oison  and  perfumes." 


176  J   BUXDLE   OF  SUXSHIXE. 

"Cord  wood,  sheet  music,  lampblack,  toilet  soap,  var- 
nish and  sweet  pickles  always  on  hand." 

"A  sweeping  reduction  on  pianos,  turpentine,  cigar- 
ettes, fresh  eggs,  lace  curtains,  mining  machinery  and 
early  garden  stuff  today." 

"See  our  special  offer  on  razor  strops,  steam  boilers, 
padlocks,  dandruff  cure,  smokeless  powder  and  family 
Bibles." 

"Blacksmithing  and  hand  laundry  in  the  basement." 

"Manicuring  and  Turkish  baths  on  third  floor." 

The  fact  is  a  person  can  find  almost  anything  in  a  big 
department  store  except  a  football  game  and  a  Methodist 
revival. 

Chicago  is  a  great  place  for  people  to  fall  into  habits ; 
some  of  which  are  serious  and  oft  times  fatal.  Take  for 
instance  the  deadly  doughnut.  A  man  who  falls  a  vic- 
tim of  the  doughnut  habit  is  a  hopeless  wreck.  There  is 
no  cure,  no  help  or  relief  for  him.  His  star  of  hope  has 
twinkled  for  the  last  time.  The  glory  of  the  day  is  but 
a  flash  of  sadness.  The  balmy  eves  of  life  are  dark  dreary 
caves,  where  the  flapping  of  bats'  wings  echo  down 
through  the  ghostly  corridors,  into  eternity. 

A  doughnut  is  a  small  hole  entirely  surrounded  with 
bullet  proof  dough,  and  day  after  day  in  Chicago  it 
claims  new^  victims.  What  an  awful  thing  to  contemplate 
when  you  see  a  strong,  healthy  young  man  falling  into 
that  habit.  It  is  but  a  short  time  until  the  doughnut 
symptoms  show  in  his  face.  It  takes  on  the  hue  of  old  tal- 
low, and  his  eyes  resemble  a  pair  of  fried  eggs.  He  soon 
loses  his  elastic  step  and  goes  dragging  his  feet  like  a 
renegade  steer  calf  after  the  breaking  up  of  a  hard  winter 
in  the  northern  part  of  Manitoba.  He  soon  becomes 
emaciated  and  cadaverous  looking.  He  is  no  longer 
garrulous,  no  longer  that  nimble,  bright,  sunny-natured 


IT  IS  BUT  A   SHORT  TIME  UNTIL  THE   DOUGHNUT  SYMPTOMS  SHOW 
IN   HIS   FACK. 


177 


178  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

mother's  joy  that  he  once  was.  Instead  he  is  a  wretched 
piece  of  humanity  wandering  around  waiting  for  Father 
Time  to  cut  him  down  in  the  lexicon  of  youth,  that  no 
more  rememberance  might  be  had  of  such  a  degenerate 
as  he. 

As  a  commercial  city,  Chicago  has  no  equal,  but  a 
great  deal  of  the  business  is  done  on  a  psychological  ba- 
sis. Chicago  people  are  hospitable,  whole  souled  and 
generous ;  a  stranger  visiting  there,  however,  would  do 
well  to  take  his  lunch  with  him,  in  case  of  an  accident. 

Chicago  is  a  great  place,  for  a  man  to  place  himself, 
if  that  place  is  the  place  where  he  wants  to  be  placed. 


LEXICON  OF  SLANG. 

KGEL,  ».  a  lobster  with  money. 

America,    n.    a    dump    for    the 
Chinese  Empire. 

Brain-Spavin,  n.  a.  a  case  of 
swell  head;  enlargement  of  the 
cocoa. 

Bazoo,  //.  an  augean  mouth. 
Bone-orchard,  a.  n.  the  last  rest- 
ing place;  over  the  river;  a  grave- 
yard. 

Booze-fighter,  a.  one  who  enters  into  a  contest  for 
supremacy  fighting  the  red  stuff  and  never  wins  out. 
Copper,  n.  a  club  swinger;  a  somnambulist. 
Cinch,  adi'.  holding  a  job  in  a  bank. 
Cheese,    ;;.    the   proper   caper;   getting  money    from 
home. 

Cigarette,  n.  an  undertaker's  companion;  pipe-sticks; 
a  weapon  of  Father  Time. 

Drag,  adv.  influence ;  marrying  a  widow  with  a  large 
wad  of  dough. 

Dub,  ;/.  one  who  hasn't  sufficient  backbone  to  be  a 
fool. 

Duffer,  n.  a  wart;  a  protuberance;  a  thing;  a  parody 
on  mankind. 

Easy  street,  adv.  n.  a  street  on  which  few  people  ever 
travel. 


179 


i8o  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUXSHINE. 

Eli,  p.  n.  one  who  gets  there;  one  who  is  full  of  ambi- 
tion and  prunes. 

Elysium,  ii.  a  happy  home  for  the  virtuous  after  death, 
although  no  one  on  this  ball  of  dirt  has  ever  heard  from 
there. 

Football,  n.  a  barbarous  game  played  by  a  wild  tribe 
in  North  America;  a  game  in  which  many  are  kicked  to 
death. 

Fleece,  v.  to  take  belongings  from  another  without 
being  introduced. 

Frozen- face,  n.  a  face  shown  to  those  who  are  shy  on 
funds ;  a  face  easy  to  find,  but  never  looked  for. 

Flim-flam,  v.  to  separate  people  from  their  earnings 
while  they  are  looking  on. 

Freeze-up,  v.  to  turn  to  a  cake  of  ice  when  invited  to 
loosen  up. 

Gall,  n.  a  redundancy  of  unparalleled  temerity. 

Galoot,  n.  see  dub. 

Growler,  il  a  can  of  suds. 

Glad-hand,  ]i.  a  generous  mit  extended  in  olden  times, 
now  obsolete. 

Hand-out,  adv.  a  feed  for  the  children  of  the  blind 
baggage. 

Hog-train,  n.  a  train  always  filled  and  run  entirely  by 
the  passengers. 

Hammer,  v.  a  tool  used  by  a  knocker,  often  doing 
great  damage. 

Hand-me-down,  adj.  a  ready  made  suit  of  clothing  re- 
duced from  $18.39  to  $3.98. 

Hot-air,  z'.  fruitless  guff;  an  erroneous  application  of 
wind,  usually  given  by  one  who  has  no  mental  power  or 
influence. 

It,  n.  the  whole  thing;  one  who  can  borrow  money. 


A  BUNDLE  OP  SUXSIIINE.  i8i 

Ice-man,  )l  one  whose  praises  have  been  sung 
throughout  the  land  with  a  loud  voice,  but  it  was  all  a 
joke. 

Jolly,  z'.  guff  that  is  often  given  as  part  payment  <>i  an 
old  bill.' 

Josh,  7'.  a  man  who  has  discovered  that  he  was  put  on 
this  earth  for  no  purpose. 

Jag,  ;/.  tcmi)orary  derangement  of  the  nut. 
Kalamazoo,  n.  a  theatrical  joke. 
Lobster,  n.  see  Slob. 

Lid,  n.  a  sky  piece;  a  covering  for  the  nut. 
Lilacs,  n.  strings ;   gallways ;   spikes ;   oakum ;   whis- 
kers; spinach;  ribbons. 

Mit,  ;;.  bread-hook;  lunch-lifter. 
Mud,  11.  a  common  name  for  common  people. 
Nut,  ;;.  a  think-tank;  a  shell  where  schemes  are  pre- 
concerted. 

Nutty,  adz'.  going  wrong ;  daffy. 
Nonsense,  adv.  nine-tenths  of  modern  conversation, 
the  balance  is  mostly  profanity. 

Nourishment,  adv.  formerly  bread,  now  booze  and  to- 
bacco. 

No-place,  n.  a  land  where  wealth  has  no  influence, 
and  people  are  valued  on  their  merits. 

Oyster,  u.  one  who  hopes  the  world  will  madly  rush 
on  while  he  sleeps. 

Printer,  n.  a  galley  slave. 

Pipe,  n.  aberration  of  the  head  ;  to  drift  from  the  truth 
unconsciously;  dreaming  with  open  eyes. 
Pippin,  H.  see  peach. 

Peach,  H.  a  fairy  with  the  beauty  of  Psyche  and  the 
sweetness  of  Aurora. 

Pinched,  v.  see  pulled. 


i82  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

Pulled,  V.  one  who  rides  in  a  wagon  at  the  expense  of 
the  municipality. 

Quits,  adv.  a  common  occurrence  with  a  summer  en- 
gagement; a  divorce. 

Rabbit,  ;/.  a  guy  with  short  weight  gray  matter. 

Rag,  ;/.  a  publication  in  which  the  affairs  of  a  nation 
are  satisfactorily  settled. 

Rush-act,  adj.  a  system  w^orked  by  one  who  is  looking 
for  easy  money. 

Soak,  V.  to  successfully  deliver  an  upper  cut;  a  blow 
above  or  below  the  belt. 

Skinned,  z'.  one  w'ho  has  been  bunkoed,  touched,  held 
up  and  sent  home  hungry. 

Skate,  n.  a  slob;  a  bum  gazabo. 

Squeeze,  ;/.  a  past  grand  master  of  the  bunch. 

Sinker,  n.  a  fried  wad  of  wheat  dough,  used  to  alle- 
viate a  rodent  sensation  in  the  pyloric  orifice. 

Sore,  adj.  a  person  who  is  invited  to  take  a  drink,  and 
then  has  to  settle  for  it. 

Touched,  v.  a  man  who  has  been  relieved  of  his  room 
rent. 

Tramp,  n.  one  who  would  drop  dead  at  the  sight  of  a 
cord  of  wood. 

Uncle,  n.  a  keeper  of  diamond-s.  watches  and  over- 
coats, just  to  be  accommodating. 

Vexed,  v.  trying  to  cash  a  check  among  strangers. 

Water-wagon,  n.  a  vehicle  used  by  people  who  cut  out 
the  booze  spasmodically. 


LEAVING  THE  FARM. 


"^ — I      T  always  kind  of  liiirts  mc  when  I  think 

^^  of   how   boys  on  a   farm  are  treated. 

^  Many  of  them  do  not  have  the  chance 

■  of  a  tramp  cat.     It  is  a  case  of  work 

.    M  year  in  and  year  out,  and  never  rest. 

-^^>  I        No  wonder  they  pack  their  duds  into  a 

grain  sack  once  in  awhile  and  leave 
home.  The  eternal  monotony  drives 
them  to  it.  It  is  my  earnest  belief  that 
a  farmer  does  not  know  how  to  keep 
his  boys  at  home. 

Take  the  case  of  the  Prodigal  Son. 
He  got  tired  of  the  farm  and  asked  his 
fatlier  to  give  him  his  portion  of  truck 
and  turn  over,  as  he  intended  to  pack  up  and  skip  out. 
His  father  did  as  he  was  requested.  It  was  not  long  be- 
fore the  Prodigal  was  journeying  toward  a  town  where 
he  could  spend  his  savings.  He  evidently  got  into  a  pretty 
swift  town,  as  he  lived  like  a  riotous  prince  as  long  as  his 
coin  lasted. 

Of  course  something  had  to  happen  so  he  could  tell  a 
hard  luck  story.  As  soon  as  he  went  broke,  a  famine  set 
in  and  he  had  to  carry  the  banner  and  go  without  his 
coffee  and  rolls.  If  there  is  anvlhing  on  earth  that  will 
make  a  young  farmer  sad  it  is  sleeping  in  a  park,  washing 
his  face  in  the  river  and  postponing  his  breakfast.     It  is 

183 


i84  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUXSHIXE. 

then  he  recalls  the  good  things  he  had  at  home;  such  as 
hot  soda  biscuits,  sweet  butter,  ham  gravy  and  coffee  that 
his  Ma  used  to  make. 

The  Prodigal  did  not  know  what  to  do.  He_was  a 
stranger  in  a  strange  land.  He  had  neither  trade  nor  pro- 
fession. He  was  a  farmer  plain  and  simple,  broke  and 
hungry.  On  his  own  recommendation  he  got  a  job  of  a 
citizen  feeding  hogs.  That  kind  of  work  in  those  days 
was  by  no  means  pleasant,  besides  it  in  a  way  stigmatized 
a  fellow's  raising.  He  soon  grew  tired  of  the  job  and 
could  think  of  nothing  but  home  and  how  nice  it  would 
be  to  get  back.  He  felt  he  would  be  willing  to  do  any  old 
thing  around  home  just  for  his  board  and  clothing.  He 
made  up  his  mind  he  would  act  as  one  of  the  hired  men 
and  be  willing  to  wait  for  the  second  table  when  his  folks 
had  company,  if  he  could  enjoy  the  blessings  of  home  once 
more.  He  was  willing  to  make  any  sacrifice  just  to  be 
back  by  the  old  fireside  where  he  could  rest  his  feet  on 
the  mantelpiece  as  he  had  done  in  other  days. 

He  thought  it  all  over  and  made  up  his  mind  to  go 
home  and  tell  his  Pa  everything  and  make  him  a  promise 
to  be  a  better  boy  if  he  would  take  him  back.  He  would 
even  sleep  in  the  smokehouse  and  eat  with  the  servants. 

He  announced  to  the  ancient  plebeian  that  he  could 
feed  his  own  hogs,  as  he  was  going  home  and  he  wanted  to 
get  there  in  time  to  help  out  with  the  haying.  He  did  not 
have  a  definite  idea  of  the  kind  of  a  reception  he  would 
get  when  he  reached  home,  but  he  had  made  up  his  mind 
to  take  chances  and  get  away  from  that  drove  of  hogs. 

When  he  was  within  a  few  hundred  yards  of  his  home 
his  father  saw  him  coming  through  the  rye,  and  went  out 
to  meet  him  and  give  him  a  hearty  welcome.  The  old  man 
fell  upon  his  neck  and  was  exceedingly  glad  of  his  return. 
He  told  the  servants  to  bring  out  the  best  all-wool  robe  on 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE.  185 

the  place,  put  some  Sunday  shoes  on  his  feet  and  a  forty 
karat  opal  ring  on  his  hand.  Then  he  ordered  a  corn-fed 
calf  butchered  and  commanded  a  haste  of  the  feast.  After 
the  banquet  there  was  music  and  a  social  hop  which  con- 
tributed much  to  the  merriment,  and  everyone  was  glad. 

Just  about  this  time  the  elder  son  came  in  from  tlie 
field  where  he  had  been  working.  He  heard  a  racket  in 
the  house  and  asked  one  of  the  servants  what  it  was  all 
about.  The  servant  told  him  his  long  lost  brother  had 
returned  and  that  his  father  was  giving  him  a  blowout. 
The  elder  brother  did  not  like  this  and  refused  to  go  into 
the  house,  although  his  father  came  out  and  labored  with 
him.  He  was  sore,  however,  and  informed  his  father  that 
he  had  served  him  for  many  years  and  had  at  no  time 
transgressed  one  of  his  commandments,  and  in  all  that 
time  he  had  never  received  even  so  much  as  a  kid  that  he 
might  have  a  banquet  and  make  merry  with  his  friends. 
His  brother,  however,  had  been  away  spending  his  earn- 
ings like  a  sailor  and  living  like  a  king,  and  on  his  return 
the  finest  Durham  calf  in  the  fleet  had  been  killed  and  a 
feast  given  him,  while  a  smoker  and  dance  concluded  the 
program.     Can  you  blame  the  elder  son  for  getting  sore  ? 

The  story  of  the  Prodigal  Son  should  be  a  lesson  to 
every  farmer.  It  is  not  human  nature  for  a  farmer's  son 
to  stay  at  home  working  day  in  and  day  out,  ploughing 
corn,  building  fences  and  clearing  land  without  some 
amusement  now  and  then  to  break  the  monotony.  He  is 
different  from  a  slab  of  basswood  in  that  he  has  feeling. 
He  yearns  to  skip  the  mazy  glazy  glide  now  and  then.  He 
wants  a  touch  of  high  life.  He  looks  about  him  when  the 
summer  is  ended  and  the  grain  is  garnered.  He  thinks  of 
the  long  winter  before  him  with  no  amusement  in  store. 
It's  the  same  old  story :  eat.  work  and  sleep.  Suppose  a 
young  man  should  walk  up  to  his  farmer  father  and  say: 


i86  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

"See  here,  Pa,  I  am  a  grown  man  now.  I  have  worked 
assiduously  for  you  for  many  years.  I  have  been  a  faith- 
ful dog  from  start  to  finish.  .  I  have  been  a  slave  for  you 
in  all  kinds  of  weather.  I  have  sawed  wood  in  the  day- 
time and  husked  corn  at  night,  and  now  I  want  you  to 
get  up  a  little  party  for  me.  Invite  some  of  the  neighbors 
and  give  me  a  swell  time.     What  say  you?" 

"A  swell  time,  eh !  You  are  a  pretty  looking  stripling 
to  come  to  me  with  such  nonsense.  You  go  on  and  finish 
cutting  that  patch  of  corn  stalks,  or  I'll  get  a  hickory  club 
and  tan  your  jacket,  you  tow-headed  scamp,  you." 

When  a  boy  gets  that  kind  of  an  answer,  he  has  to  go 
out  behind  the  ash  hopper  or  some  place  where  he  can  be 
alone  for  a  while  until  that  fit  of  anger  passes  away.  If 
he  didn't  do  this  he  is  liable  to  call  his  father  an  old  hay- 
seed, and  then  there  would  be  a  family  misunderstanding. 

A  farmer  should  talk  to  his  boys  more,  and  use  the 
pick-handle  less.  He  should  make  it  a  point  to  turn  his 
corn-crib  into  an  athletic  room  every  winter  and  give  his 
boys  a  few  lessons  on  the  manly  art  of  self-defense  and 
other  sports  along  that  line.  He  should  teach  them  ten- 
cent  limit  and  how  to  deal  from  the  bottom  so  that  when 
they  go  to  town,  if  they  should  fall  into  a  quiet  game  they 
would  not  be  so  easy  to  skin.  He  should  have  a  home- 
made pool  table  in  his  woodshed  for  rainy  days.  He 
should  deliver  a  course  of  lectures  on  occultism,  theos- 
ophy,  the  science  of  necromancy,  or  talks  on  ornithology 
and  zoology  so  they  can  distinguish  a  buzzard  from  a 
jack  rabbit.  He  should  give  them  a  theoretical  knowl- 
edge of  how  to  plough  without  sweating.  He  should 
teach  them  to  read  well,  beginning  on  something  easy, 
like  Milton's  Paradise  Lost,  Dante's  Inferno  and  Deute- 
ronomy. A  few  hints  on  astrology  and  stud  poker  and  a 
knowledge  of  centrifugal  and  centripetal  forces  might  be 


i88  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

beneficial.  He  should  teach  them  to  play  the  piano  and 
seven  up.  He  should  give  them  an  idea  of  the  intrinsic 
and  extrinsic  value  of  life;  they  should  be  well  up  on 
physiognomy,  mental  telepathy,  parliamentary  law,  eth- 
nography and  table  etiquette.  There  is  nothing  quite  so 
embarrassing  as  to  see  a  farm  boy  feeding  himself  with 
squash  pie  by  means  of  a  knife.  Now  all  this  can  be 
done  with  but  little  trouble  and  the  farmer  can  bring  his 
boys  out  of  the  kinks  and  make  them  presentable  to  the 
city  folks.  Besides,  they  would  have  no  desire  to  run 
away  from  home,  as  home  would  be  made  happy  for 
them,  and  they  would  also  be  up  to  date. 

I  grew  tired  of  the  farm  at  one  time  just  because  I 
did  not  think  that  I  was  properly  entertained.  I  wanted 
to  play  Prodigal  Son,  so  I  could  return  home  some  day 
and  have  a  reception.  I  was  hungry  for  a  change.  I 
wanted  music  and  song.  I  wanted  to  get  into  the  mad 
whirl  and  go  around  a  few  times.  I  wanted  to  see  an 
elephant  walk  a  rope.  I  wanted  to  see  strange  faces, 
and  forever  get  away  from  the  song  of  the  scythe  on  the 
grindstone.  I  was  tired  of  the  hoe,  and  was  willing  to 
go  Prodigally  VNTong  just  to  try  it. 

The  day  I  had  set  aside  for  leaving  came  and  I  started. 
I  did  not  know  wdiere  I  was  going,  I  just  knew  that  I 
was  leaving  the  farm,  that  was  all.  I  gave  a  farewell 
glance  at  the  milk-pans  on  a  bench  in  front  of  the  house. 
The  dogs  wanted  to  follow  me,  but  I  drove  them  back. 
The  old  well-sweep  and  the  curling  smoke  from  the  chim- 
ney were  the  last  things  in  view.  A  robin  red-breast 
lighted  on  the  fence  by  the  roadside  and  sang  a  few  notes 
as  I  traveled  on  over  the  flint  rocks  in  the  direction  of  the 
Indian  Nation. 

Night  overtook  me  and  I  found  a  resting-place  in  a 
hollow  tree.     My  sleep  was  by  no  means  peaceful,  as 


A  BUNDLE  OP  SUNSHINE,  189 

some  varmints  claimed  the  tree  and  they  felt  put  out  when 
they  found  it  occupied.  They  set  up  a  dreadful  howl  and 
kept  it  up  until  daybreak.  I  was  glad  to  see  that  time 
come,  as  1  w^as  hungry  and  cramped.  I  climbed  the  tree, 
made  a  breakfast  of  wild  grapes,  and  then  I  moved  on 
toward  the  west.  In  the  afternoon  I  came  to  a  negro 
cabin  and  heard  someone  playing  a  banjo.  I  met  an  old 
black  mammy  at  the  door  and  asked  her  for  some  butter- 
milk and  corn  pone, 

"Lawdy,  lawdy,  honey,  'course  yo'  kin  jist  git  yo'  fill 
right  heah ;  you'se  er  lookin'  powerful  hongry  Ize  er  tellin' 
you.  Sot  yosef  on  dis  heah  nail  kag  'n  I  brung  yo' 
somethin'  ter  tuck  eraway  dot  darh  pain  from  under  yo' 
vest.  Yo'  looks  mighty  like  er  boy  leavin'  home.  I  done 
seed  so  many  uv  'em,  I  jist  know^s  eber  time  I  sees  'em. 
Now,  harh  yo'  is,  honey ;  eat  dis  harh  bread  'n  milk,  'n  yo' 
sho'  to  feel  jist  like  a  shoat  in  er  co'n-field  in  no  time." 

I  certainly  did  enjoy  that  meal  and  the  plink  and  plunk 
and  plunk  and  plink  of  that  banjo  in  the  hands  of  an  old 
negro  in  one  corner  of  the  cabin.  I  thanked  them  both 
and  started  on  my  journey.  I  had  gone  but  a  short  dis- 
tance when  I  heard  the  clatter  of  horses'  feet.  For  some 
reason  a  cold  chill  crept  up  my  back  and  I  was  fearful  of 
some  impending  danger.  I  w^as  afraid  to  look  back.  I 
felt  that  someone  was  after  me,  and  I  was  right,  too.  for 
just  then  Pa  and  three  neighbors  galloped  up  from  be- 
hmd.  Pa  did  not  ask  me  many  questions.  He  ordered 
me  to  get  up  behind  him.  which  I  did,  and  we  started  in 
the  direction  of  home.  We  -reached  there  late  at  night, 
and  when  Pa  had  stabled  his  horse  and  the  neighbors  had 
gone  on  their  way.  he  invited  me  into  the  peach  orchard. 
He  was  very  active  that  night ;  in  fact,  I  never  remember 
of  having  seen  him  so  busy.  Before  he  started  in  on  me 
he  said : 


igo 


TAKE  GOOD  CARE  OF  YOUR  MA  WHILE  I  AM  GONE. 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE.  191 

"It  pains  me,  my  son,  to  be  compelled  to  thrash  you, 
for  it  hurts  me  more  than  it  does  you." 

Now  this  expression  was  not  original  with  Pa ;  others 
have  used  it.  For  all  that,  I  can  not  see  how  to  figure  it 
out.  I  must  be  very  obtuse,  for  if  that  licking  hurt  him 
more  than  it  did  me,  he  would  have  thought  seriously  of 
asking  the  governor  to  call  out  the  state  militia.  He  used 
up  peach  tree  sprouts  right  and  left.  I  think  he  got  the 
idea  out  of  the  Bible,  where  it  reads:  "Spare  the  rod 
and  spoil  the  child."  It  seemed  to  me  that  on  that  occa- 
sion he  was  dead  bent  on  spoiling  the  child. 

I  had  missed  my  guess  a  long  way.  He  did  not  meet 
me  out  in  the  rye  field  and  fall  on  my  neck  with  un- 
bounded joy.  He  did  not  put  store-boughten  shoes  on 
my  feet  and  a  ring  on  my  finger.  It  is  true,  he  fell  on 
my  neck  in  that  orchard,  but  not  after  the  manner  I  had 
expected. 

Although  this  happened  when  I  was  quite  a  small 
boy,  I  am  to  this  day  more  or  less  nervous  when  I  walk 
through  a  peach  orchard. 


HERCULES. 


HAVE  always  thought  it  a  fortunate 
thing  for  Hercules  that  he  was  pre- 
cocious (whatever  that  means),  as 
Juno  was  hostile  to  him  frum  the 
time  he  was  spawned.  Every  time 
she  even  thought  of  him  she  would 
put  on  a  fresh  coat  of  war  paint  and 
her  hair  would  turn  green.  She 
used  to  sit  up  at  night  scheming  how 
she  could  give  him  the  worst  of  it. 
While  Hercules  was  teething  she 
managed  to  put  a  jjair  of  ugly-looking  snakes  in  his  cradle, 
with  the  idea  that  they  would  put  an  end  to  him,  but  they 
didn't.  When  he  awoke  and  discovered  the  snakes,  he 
braced  himself,  told  the  servants  to  stand  aside  and  they 
would  see  a  scrap  that  would  make  a  Roman  gladiator 
look  like  thirty  cents.  He  never  had  any  time  for  upper 
cuts  or  fancy  jabs.  He  just  took  the  snakes  by  their 
throats — one  in  each  hand — and  choked  them  to  death. 

This  made  Juno  feel  small,  and  just  for  spite  she.  with 
her  high  grade  hypnotic  monkey  business  rendered  Her- 
cules a  subject  to  one  of  his  relatives  whose  name  was 
Eurysthcus.  This  relative  forced  upon  Hercules  a  num- 
ber of  dangerous  and  bold  adventures,  all  of  which  seemed 
impossible.  The  first  thing  this  Mr.  Eurystheus  ordered 
him  to  play  dog,  go  into  the  valley  of  Nemea  and  chase  up 

193 


194 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE.  195 

a  certain  lion  that  had  for  a  long  time  Ix;en  a  terror  to  the 
natives.  He  was  to  skin  him  and  bring  in  his  hide.  Her- 
cules found  the  lion  and  tried  to  kill  him  with  a  four-year- 
old  club,  but  failed.  lie  then  resorted  to  his  favorite 
sport — the  choking  act — and  that  settled  it.  He  threw 
the  dead  lion  over  his  shoulder  and  took  it  into  town. 
When  Eurystheus  saw  what  Hercules  had  done  he  re- 
quested a  friend  to  hold  his  coat  while  he  fainted.  Faint- 
ing, it  will  be  remembered,  was  in  those  days  a  fad.  When 
he  had  recovered  he  said  to  Hercules : 

"Now  you  go  out  on  the  edge  of  town  to  tell  about 
your  lion  fight.  If  you  should  tell  it  in  the  city  limits  it 
is  liable  to  cause  a  panic." 

He  was  all  worked  up  over  the  hero's  prodigious 
strength,  and  the  news  soon  spread  far  and  wide  about  the 
new  heavyweight. 

His  next  job  was  to  slaughter  the  Hydra.  I  do  not 
know  what  we  would  call  a  Hydra,  if  such  a  l^east  lived  in 
this  age.  A  pipe  dream.  I  guess,  would  be  it's  nickname. 
It  had  nine  angry  heads  which  it  tossed  with  fretful 
spleen.  The  middle  head  was  immortal,  and  that  was 
the  head  which  kept  Hercules  guessing.  The  Hydra  hung 
out  in  a  swamp  near  Argos,  and  it  was  certainly  a  hard 
proposition.  Hercules  found  it  resting  in  its  nest.  He 
started  in  to  make  a  few  passes  with  his  club.  The  first 
pass  he  made,  off  went  a  head,  but  to  his  great  surprise, 
two  new  ones  grew  forth.  Then  he  clubbed  off  another 
head,  and  two  more  new  ones  grew  out  in  the  same  place. 
Then  he  told  his  under  dog  lolaus  to  heat  some  irons  and 
he  would  try  burning  off  the  heads  because  they  were 
growing  on  too  thick  for  him.  This  plan  was  successful 
with  all  except  the  immortal  head.  He  had  to  cut  that 
off  and  put  it  under  a  big  forty-ton  rock. 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE.  ly? 

History  makes  no  mention  of  the  Hydra's  body.  It 
may  have  been  that  the  varmint  had  no  Ijody,  just  a  lot 
of  hideous  heads  sticking  up  tu  frigliteii  pc't)ple  to  death. 

It  seems  that  Hercules'  work  got  harder  all  the  while. 
Just  as  soon  as  he  got  through  beating  the  heads  off  that 
Hydra,  he  had  to  go  to  a  cattle  man  by  the  name  of 
Augeas  and  dung  out  his  stable.  It  turns  out  tliat  this 
man  Augeas  was  a  very  shiftless  kind  of  a  fellow,  al- 
though he  was  King  of  Elis.  That  doesn't  count,  how- 
ever, there  are  plenty  of  shiftless  kings.  He  owned  a  lot 
of  cow-sheds  which  he  called  the  Augean  stables  and  for 
thirty  years  or  so  he  had  kept  a  herd  of  3'.ooo  steers  there 
without  the  place  having  been  cleaned.  Most  of  these 
steers  were  too  stifif  to  walk.  They  were  stocked  and 
bunged  up  with  hoof-rot  and  scratches.  Hercules  looked 
the  ground  over  for  a  few  moments  and  a  happy  thought 
struck  him.  The  Alpheus  and  Peneus  rivers  were  handy 
and  he  turned  both  streams  into  the  stables  and  sluiced 
them  out  in  one  day.  It  is  too  bad  that  that  kind  of  work 
is  a  lost  art.  It  would  be  a  great  thing  to  improve  the 
sanitary  condition  of  some  of  the  modern  cities  of 
America. 

The  next  task  Hercules  had  was  an  easy  one.  Eurys- 
theus  had  a  daughter  he  called  Admenta.  and  woman-like 
she  w^as  always  looking  for  something  to  w-ear  different 
from  that  of  other  women.  There  was  a  war-like  nation 
of  females  known  as  Amazons.  The  queen  of  these  hens 
bore  the  name  of  Hyppolyta  (from  her  name  she  must 
have  been  amphibious).  She  owned  a  girdle  which  was 
perhaps  cut  on  the  bias  and  strictly  up  to  date,  and  as 
Admenta  had  heard  about  it.  she  told  her  Pa  that  she 
must  have  it.  Eurystheus  told  Hercules  to  fix  himself 
out  with  a  boat  and  a  company  of  brave  men  and  go  after 
the  girdle.     After  a  hard  trip  and  many  narrow  escapes 


i08  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

he  reached  the  land  of  the  Amazons.  Right  here  I  will 
say  I  have  lost  all  respect  for  Hercules.  He  is  no  friend 
of  mine,  as  I  have  no  time  for  a  man  who  will  strike  a 
woman. 

Hyppolyta  received  Hercules  kindly,  and  said  she 
would  give  up  the  girdle  without  trouble.  At  this  point 
Juno  got  in  with  her  hammer  (a  tool  she  never  dropped 
except  at  meal  times).  She  took  the  form  of  an  Amazon 
and  went  all  over  the  country  telling  the  other  Amazons 
that  Hercules  and  his  gang  were  carrying  off  their  queen. 
So  they  instantly  arrayed  themselves  and  went  down  to 
Hercules'  ship  about  200,000  strong.  Hercules  thought 
perhaps  the  queen  was  acting  in  bad  faith,  and  the  result 
was  sad.  He  was  seized  with  that  habit  of  choking  people 
and  the  Amazon  queen  was  taken  back  to  her  wigwam  a 
corpse.  Hercules  then  took  the  girdle  and  sailed  for 
home.  I  suppose  he  felt  jolly  and  in  high  spirits  after 
choking  the  breath  out  of  that  poor  old  woman  and  taking 
from  her  a  girdle  that  probably  wasn't  worth  more  than 
$6.98  wholesale. 

As  soon  as  he  returned  home  he  had  to  start  right  out 
again.  This  time  it  was  a  very  hard  proposition.  Eurys- 
theus  wanted  Hercules  to  bring  him  the  ox  Geryon,  a 
big  brute  with  three  bodies.  He  had  been  seen  on  the 
Island  of  Erytheia.  (This  perhaps  was  the  land  of  Spain, 
that  is,  if  Spain  was  an  island  at  that  time.)  After  tramp- 
ing over  many  kingdoms,  Hercules  reached  Libya  and 
Europe.  I  do  not  know  how  he  could  land  in  two  coun- 
tries at  the  same  time,  but  he  did.  Now  here  is  where  he 
certainly  got  strong.  He  raised  the  two  mountains  of 
Calpe  and  Abyla.  He  did  this  simply  to  keep  in  practice 
and  leave  a  mark  of  progress.  Some  historian  who  wrote 
as  though  he  had  been  introduced  to  Hercules,  said  that 
he  (Hercules)  rent  one  mountain  into  two  and  left  half 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE.  199 

on  each  side  forming  a  strait  now  called  Gibraltar.  When 
you  sail  through  that  passage  you  can  observe  on  both 
sides  the  Pillars  of  Hercules.  Other  writers  have  gone 
so  far  as  to  dispute  this  statement,  and  have  plainly  said 
that  they  did  not  believe  one-half  of  it. 

But  to  return  to  the  big  steer  of  Geryon.  He  was 
guarded  by  a  giant  named  Eurytion,  and  a  two-headed 
bulldog.  They  did  not  bluff  Hercules.  He  spat  on  his 
hands  and  went  at  them,  and  once  more  laid  the  founda- 
tion for  a  comedy  drama,  entitled  "Choked  to  Death." 
Then  he  surrounded  the  Geryon  steer  and  took  him  away 
to  Eurystheus.  History  says  he  picked  up  other  steers 
along  the  road  and  took  them  in  also. 

Hercules  grew  so  popular  with  his  boss  that  he  kept 
him  on  the  road  all  the  time.  He  proved  to  be  the  most 
successful  traveling  man  in  mythological  times.  Only  he 
worked  on  a  different  basis  from  traveling  men  of  today. 
A  modern  traveling  man  goes  on  the  road  to  take  orders, 
and  Hercules  went  on  the  road  to  take  the  goods. 

The  next  trip  for  Hercules  was  a  wild  goose  chase 
over  the  face  of  the  earth  looking  for  the  golden  apples  of 
the  Hesperides.  These  were  the  apples  which  Juno  had 
presented  to  her  on  her  wedding  day  by  some  goddess  to 
whom  Juno  had  perhaps  been  good  when  she  was  sick. 
Juno  left  these  apples  with  the  daughters  of  Hesperia  and 
a  dragon  for  safe  keeping.  This  dragon  was  a  very  fierce 
looking  monster  with  fangs  eighteen  inches  long,  and 
every  time  it  breathed  the  air  turned  green.  Hercules 
found  his  way  over  into  some  part  of  Africa  to  a  place 
called  Mount  Atlas.  Atlas  w-as  one  of  the  Indians  who 
had  met  defeat  in  a  war  v»'itli  the  gods,  and  had  been  sen- 
tenced to  hold  up  the  weight  of  the  heavens  for  life.  He 
was  the  father  of  Hesperides,  and  Hercules  got  an  idea 
into  his  head  that  if  there  was  a  person  on  earth  who  could 


200  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

dig  up  those  apples  it  was  Atlas.  Just  how  to  get  Atlas 
from  his  post  was  a  conundrum  hard  to  crack,  as  he  had  to 
stay  on  watch  all  the  while  and  hold  up  the  heavens.  Her- 
cules told  Atlas  that  if  he  would  skip  out  and  get  the 
apples  he  would  hold  up  the  heavens  while  he  was  gone, 
providing  he  did  not  stay  too  long.  Atlas  told  him  he 
would  be  glad  of  the  chance  to  get  a  little  rest,  as  holding 
up  the  weight  of  the  heavens  day  and  night  was  no  snap. 
So  Atlas  went  after  the  golden  pippins  and  brought  them 
to  Hercules.  He  came  very  near  not  coming  back,  how- 
ever, as  it  was  a  great  relief  to  him  to  get  out  from  under 
the  heavens  and  rest  up  a  spell.  He  thought  very  seriously 
of  throwing  up  the  job  and  of  letting  Hercules  keep  it 
the  rest  of  his  days ;  however,  he  returned  and  shouldered 
the  heavens  again  and  let  Hercules  go  home  with  the 
apples. 

There  lived  a  giant  of  the  name  of  Antaeus,  who 
claimed  that  he  was  the  best  catch-as-catch-can  wrestler 
on  earth.  The  reason  he  made  this  claim  was  because  he 
was  all  right  as  long  as  he  kept  his  feet  on  the  ground,  but 
as  soon  as  he  was  lifted  into  the  air, — exit  power.  He 
compelled  all  strangers  who  happened  into  his  country  to 
wrestle  with  him;  and  also  sign  a  contract  that  if  they 
were  conquered  they  had  to  be  clubbed  to  death.  Eurys- 
theus  told  Hercules  to  go  over  into  that  country  and  sic 
himself  onto  Antaeus.  So  Hercules  met  the  noted 
wrestler  and  told  him  to  square  ofif  and  get  ready  to  die. 
Antaeus  gave  Hercules  the  horse  laugh.  Hercules  did 
not  know  about  Antaeus  having  glue  on  his  feet  so  he 
could  stick  to  the  earth  and  keep  his  magic  power  in  good 
shape.  Anyway,  Hercules  went  at  him  and  threw  him  to 
the  ground  easy  enough,  but  he  got  up  each  time  with 
renewed  strength.  When  Hercules  got  next  to  his  secret, 
he  went  at  him  on  other  lines.     He  simply  picked  him  up, 


202  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

tossed  him  into  the  air,  and  before  he  could  holler  enough, 
Hercules  got  in  his  sure  thing  work,  and  choked  him  until 
his  air  valves  refused  to  work,  and  the  light  of  a  great 
wrestler  flickered  for  the  last  time. 

There  was  another  giant  of  the  name  of  Cacus,  who 
was  a  high-class  horse  thief,  and  would  steal  anything  he 
could  get  his  hands  on.  He  lived  in  a  cave  in  one  of  the 
seven  hills  of  Rome.  He  cultivated  a  desire  for  dragging 
off  other  people's  plunder  and  was  the  most  noted  porch 
climber  in  all  Rome.  He  would  just  as  soon  steal  a 
grave-stone  as  to  rob  an  apple  woman.  He  was  simply 
terrible,  and  the  people  dreaded  him  as  much  as  a  United 
States  marshal  dreads  a  squirrel  rifle  in  the  hands  of  an 
Arkansaw  moonshiner. 

Hercules  came  along  that  way  one  day  with  a  drove 
of  cattle  and  camped  near  the  cave  of  Cacus.  After  Her- 
cules had  fallen  asleep,  Cacus  slipped  into  his  camp  and 
took  away  some  of  his  cattle.  He  did  not  want  Hercules 
to  see  the  tracks  of  the  cattle  and  he  dragged  them  into 
his  cave  by  their  tails,  so  Hercules  would  think  they  had 
gone  in  the  opposite  direction.  This  was  a  very  clever 
piece  of  stratagem  on  the  part  of  Cacus  and  Hercules  was 
very  sore.  He  knew  not  how  to  recover  his  lost  cattle, 
and  he  started  on  with  what  he  had.  As  he  passed  the 
cave,  he  heard  his  lost  cows  lowing  therein.  He  went  in 
and  introduced  himself  to  Cacus,  and  told  him  that  he  was 
very  sorry,  but  that  he  would  be  compelled  to  punish  him 
for  taking  away  his  cattle  without  leaving  his  address. 
He  told  him  that  he  would  make  the  punishment  as  light 
as  he  could,  and  he  kept  his  word,  for  the  lightest  punish- 
ment that  Hercules  ever  carried  with  him  was  choking  to 
death,  and  Cacus  got  that  dose. 

Hercules  had  to  take  a  trip  to  the  infernal  regions  at 
one  time,  but  he  did  not  go  alone.     He  took  Mercury  and 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE.  a03 

the  wise  unconquered  virgin  Minerva  with  him  in  case  he 
got  a  bluff  down  there  which  he  could  not  call.  He  got 
permission  from  Pluto  to  take  Cerberus  back  to  earth 
again  with  a  promise  that  he  would  not  use  his  club. 
This  Cerberus  was  a  monster  with  saw  teeth  and  tail 
feathers.  He  was  hard  to  curry  and  was  never  known  to 
take  the  bit  or  stand  for  a  crupper.  Hercules  did  not 
care  for  that,  nor  did  he  care  whether  he  would  stand 
without  being  hitched  or  not,  or  whether  he  worked  on 
the  off  or  near  side.  He  went  to  take  him  and  he  took 
him.  Cerberus  made  an  awful  struggle,  but  in  vain. 
Hercules  took  him  to  Eurystheus.  and  then  returned  him 
to  Pluto  without  raising  his  club. 

This  time,  while  Hercules  was  in  Hades,  he  made  a 
hit  with  Pluto,  and  got  his  old  friend,  Theseus,  b.is  imi- 
tator and  admirer,  liberated.  He  had  been  held  a  pris- 
oner for  some  time  for  an  unsuccessful  attempt  to  kid- 
nap Proserpine. 

Hercules  had  a  very  good  disposition.  He  v.-as  no 
hand  to  pick  a  fuss,  but  one  day  he  forgot  himself.  In 
a  fit  of  anger  he  took  his  friend  Iphitus  by  the  throat  and 
choked  him  into  eternal  silence.  This  was  uncalled  for, 
and  Hercules  got  properly  punished.  He  was  made  the 
slave  of  Queen  Omphale  for  three  years.  After  he  served 
his  sentence  doing  chores  he  was  united  in  marriage  with 
Dejanira.  They  lived  together  three  years  in  perfect 
peace.  Well  she  knew  how  strong  he  was  and  she  thought 
it  policy  to  keep  quiet  and  live  in  peace,  as  it  did  not  pay 
to  kick  up  a  rumpus  with  a  man  like  him.  He  asked  his 
wife  one  day  if  she  would  like  to  take  an  outing.  She 
replied  that  she  would. 

While  on  their  trip  through  the  country,  they  came  to 
a  river.  Then  they  met  one  of  those  flea-bitten  Centaurs 
v/ith  chin  whiskers  who  called  himself  Nessus.     He  was 


M4 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE.  205 

doing  a  ferry  business  at  so  much  per.  Hercules  forded 
the  river,  but  told  his  wife  that  she  could  ride  across  on 
the  Centaur's  back.  He  crossed  over  to  the  opposite  side, 
and  all  at  once  the  Centaur  took  a  fool  notion  that  he 
would  like  to  elope  with  the  fair  Mrs.  Dejanira  Hercules, 
and  he  started  on  the  dead  run  down  the  river  bank. 
Hercules  heard  his  wife's  cries,  and  the  first  thing-  he 
thought  of  was  to  overtake  the  Centaur  and  choke  him, 
but  the  latter  was  too  swift,  so  Hercules  shot  an  arrow 
into  the  Centaur's  heart  and  that  settled  it.  Before  he 
had  breathed  his  last  he  told  Dejanira  to  take  some  of  his 
blood  and  keep  it  in  a  cool  place,  as  she  could  use  it  as  a 
charm  to  keep  her  husband's  love  in  good  order.  She 
took  the  blood  and  kept  it,  and  it  was  not  long  until  she 
got  a  notion  in  her  head  that  she  ought  to  try  it.  Her- 
cules while  at  war  in  a  foreign  country  took  a  maiden 
of  the  name  of  lole  prisoner.  He  seemed  very  fond  of 
her,  his  wife  thought. 

When  he  was  about  to  give  a  grand  time  in  honor  of 
his  big  battles,  he  sent  to  his  wife  for  a  white  robe  to 
use  in  the  parade.  She  thought  it  a  good  chance  to  try 
the  love  spell  business,  so  she  soaked  the  robe  in  the  Cen- 
taur's blood.  She  then  washed  out  the  stain  and  sent  it 
to  her  husband.  He  put  it  on  and  as  soon  as  he  got 
warmed  up  the  poison  got  into  his  system  and  it  caused 
him  such  pain  that  it  broke  up  the  parade.  In  his  awful 
agony  he  seized  Lichas, — the  messenger  who  had  brought 
the  robe  to  him — and  hurled  him  seven  miles  out  into  the 
sea.  He  lighted  so  heavily  that  it  broke  his  contract. 
Hercules  attempted  to  wrench  the  robe  from  his  body,  but 
it  stuck  to  his  hide,  and  when  he  tore  it  off  great  chunks 
of  flesh  came  with  it.  In  this  condition  he  boarded  a 
schooner  and  sailed  for  home.     Dejanira  saw  what  a  bad 


2o6  J   BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

break  she  had  made  and  she  felt  so  badly  about  it  that 
she  lynched  herself. 

Hercules  got  ready  to  die.  He  climbed  to  the  top  of 
Mount  Aetna  and  there  he  made  a  funeral  pyre  of  logs. 
He  gave  his  club  to  a  friend,  stretched  his  tired  body  on 
logs  and  requested  his  friend  to  apply  a  match.  Jupiter 
took  charge  of  him  then  and  sent  him  up  among  the 
stars  in  a  four-horse  rig.  When  he  arrived,  Atlas  knew 
it,  as  he  felt  tlie  weight  of  heaven  increase.  Hercules 
got  a  great  reception  up  there  and  made  a  decided  hit 
with  Juno's  daughter,  Miss  Hebe,  and  married  her.  She 
was  a  young  thing  and  the  goddess  of  youth.  Hercules, 
however,  knew  that  before  he  married  her. 

More  might  be  said  of  Hercules,  but  as  he  is  in  heaven 
now  I  hate  to  disturb  him,  for  I  know  he  would  not  have 
stood  for  it  down  here,  and  perhaps  he  does  not  like  to 
up  there. 


IF  I  HAD  A  MILLION. 


,F  I  HAD  a  million  I  would  plough 
the  deep  heaving-  seas  until  I  found 
an  island  that  suited  me;  then  I 
would  huy  it  and  set  myself  up  as 
King.  I  would  not  be  a  haughty 
King.  I  would  treat  my  subjects 
well  as  long  as  they  behaved.  I 
would  wear  plough  shoes  and  yarn 
galluses  just  to  please  them.  I  would 
not  care  to  be  a  great  builder  of  tem- 
ples and  cities  like  King  Rameses  IT. 
I  had  rather  spend  the  money  for 
pies,  shortcake  and  stick  candy  for 
the  natives.  If  I  had  to  tax  my  peo- 
ple to  build  fine  temples,  then  they 
would  all  be  poor.  I  would  not 
have  the  heart  to  watch  them  shake 
their  breakfasts  off  the  tropical  trees.  It  would  be  in- 
consistent with  my  pastoral  nature.  A  full  stomach  is 
far  better  than  much  gazing  at  fine  temples. 

The  hasty  progress  of  man  is  the  progress  of  sin,  de- 
struction, desolation,  wickedness,  riots,  brimstone  and 
rheumatism.  The  conservative  man  who  is  not  in  a 
rush  to  build  an  annex  to  his  hen-house  until  he  can 
afford  it  is  not  guilty  of  hasty  progress,  and  he  will 
stand  a  good  chance  of  getting  three  meals  each  day. 

207 


2o8  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

Where  one  man  grows  rich  in  a  real  estate  boom, 
forty-nine  will  go  broke.  I  was  in  that  business  twelve 
years,  and  all  I  have  to  show  for  it  is  a  lot  of  gray  hairs 
and  the  gout.     But  I  am  leaving  my  text. 

I  remind  myself  of  a  Methodist  preacher  who  was  our 
circuit  rider  for  a  number  of  years  in  Arkansaw.  The 
last  time  I  heard  him  preach  he  commenced  at  the  tenth 
chapter  of  Isaiah  and  wound  up  in  the  siege  of  Sebastapol. 

I  say,  if  I  had  a  million  I  would  call  my  kingdom  the 
Isle  of  Rest.  I  would  build  me  a  palace  of  brick  and 
mortar.  The  walls  should  be  ten  cubits  thick  so  I  could 
not  hear  sad  reports  of  bloodshed  from  other  lands.  I 
would  have  the  roof  painted  a  sky  blue,  and  there  would 
be  vines  on  all  sides.  The  woodshed  would  be  fixed  the 
same  way. 

The  front  yard  of  the  place  would  be  a  tangled  wild- 
wood  of  weeping  willows,  giant  palms,  sycamores,  cedars 
and  dogwood.  I  would  have  six  fountains  of  wonderful 
size,  something  on  the  order  of  a  Yellowstone  Park 
geyser.  These  fountains  w^ould  be  in  constant  eruption, 
spouting  forth  the  richest  nectar  that  ever  touched  the 
lips  of  man.  One  would  spout  gin  fizzes.  That  I  would 
call  the  fountain  of  morn.  Another  would  spout  milk 
punches,  the  fountain  of  human  kindness.  Another 
would  spout  mint  juleps,  the  fountain  of  hospitality. 
Another  would  spout  old  rye  with  seltzer,  the  fountain 
of  sunshine.  Another  would  spout  sherry  and  eggs,  the 
fountain  of  youth.  The  sixth  one  would  spout  cham- 
pagne, the  fountain  of  joy,  laughter  and  song. 

I  would  use  the  back  yard  in  which  to  store  cord 
wood,  the  ash  hopper,  chicken  coops  and  kettles  to  be 
used  on  wash  days.  I  would  put  up  with  nothing  but 
home  cooking.  I  would  eat  poultry,  pudding,  papaws 
and  pie.     I  would  order  a  forty-horse  biscuit  dipped  in 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE.  209 

sausage  gravy.  When  I  had  company  at  the  palace  I 
would  wear  seal  skin  pants  and  satin  socks.  I  would 
have  my  swimming  pool  filled  with  dew  from  the  morn- 
ing lilies.  Everything  would  be  to  the  King's  taste,  I 
would  have  a  garden  of  softest  verdure  covered  with 
pansy  blossoms,  sweet  violets  and  Johnnie-jump-ups. 
I  would  also  have  an  extra  garden  with  nothing  growing 
there  but  clover,  that  would  be  for  the  King  to  roll  in. 
If  a  mortgage  and  loan  man  should  come  to  me  and  offer 
to  loan  money  on  the  palace  I  would  call  my  guards  and 
have  him  mummified  at  sunrise.  I  would  have  a  hunting 
ground,  where  no  one  but  the  King  could  hunt,  as  I  am 
fond  of  the  chase.  I  do  not  mean  the  kind  of  chasing 
so  common  in  this  country.  I  would  have  the  game 
trained  so  that  when  any  animal  saw  me  coming  it  would 
stand  still  and  get  shot.  Of  course,  that  would  be  pot 
shooting,  but  there  would  be  no  one  to  kick  about  it  but 
the  King. 

I  would  never  have  a  swelled  head  just  because  I 
was  a  King,  then  my  crown  would  always  fit  me. 

The  laws  of  my  kingdom  would  be  plain  and  sim- 
ple. I  would  be  the  court  of  justice  and  the  lord  high 
executioner.  I  would  appoint  a  sufficient  number  of 
officers  to  keep  the  Isle  of  Rest  quiet.  This  would  suit 
me  better  than  a  free  country  or  a  republican  form  of 
government.  Not  that  I  am  at  all  opposed  to  a  free 
country,  but  vulgar  elections  would  be  avoided.  Then  if 
there  was  any  robbing  the  Kingdom  to  be  done  I  would 
do  it. 

I  would  be  an  anti-expansionist,  unless  I  wanted  an- 
other island  or  two,  and  that  would  be  different. 

My  divorce  laws  would  be  a  snap.  If  a  man  and  his 
wife  came  to  me  and  told  me  that  they  had  decided  to 
separate  I  would  tell  them  to  proceed  at  once  and  sep- 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE.  211 

arate.  I  do  not  believe  that  a  man  and  liis  wife  should 
be  forced  to  remain  man  and  wife  just  to  please  the  law. 
A  law  that  forces  unnecessary  unhappiness  would  not  be 
practiced  by  the  King  of  the  Isle  of  Rest.  If  a  man  and 
his  wife  are  not  mated  and  are  unhappy,  then  let  one  fly 
east  and  the  other  fly  west.  It  is  a  sin  to  put  a  monkey 
and  a  parrot  together  in  the  same  cage.  They  are  in- 
compatibles  and  to  force  them  to  live  together  is  a  mean 
trick. 

When  the  summer's  w(.rk  was  done  and  the  corn  was 
in  the  crib,  I  would  advertise  for  a  queen.  I  would  not 
want  a  queen  with  golden  curls  and  eyes  like  diamonds 
and  all  that  business  the  poets  sing  about.  I  would  want 
just  a  plain  sort  of  a  queen  to  lend  dignity  to  the  palace 
and  to  her  lord  and  master.  I  would  want  one  who  was 
not  curious,  suspicious  or  jealous,  one  who  would  not  rub- 
ber at  another  woman  as  she  passed  and  say : 

"Oh,  I  don't  know,  she  aint  so  much." 

If  she  was  guilty  of  these  offenses  at  any  time  I 
would  separate  her  from  her  title  and  get  her  a  job  at 
plain  sewing.     I  would  then  advertise  for  another  queen. 

If  people  from  foreign  lands  should  come  to  the  Isle 
of  Rest  and  show  their  dislike  for  the  laws,  by  making 
inflammatory  political  speeches,  I  would  have  them  im- 
prisoned for  forty  days  under  a  tub.  Then  I  would  send 
them  forty  miles  out  to  sea  on  a  raft  and  have  them  turned 
adrift. 

The  Isle  of  Rest  would  have  freedom  of  religion  ab- 
solutely. There  are  so  many  things  on  this  earth  which 
come  high  that  I  believe  salvation  should  be  on  the  free 
list.  Let  every  man  take  the  religion  he  chooses,  whether 
it  be  ethical  or  otherwise. 

Emigration  would  not  be  tolerated  unless  every  per- 
son over  twelve  could  read,  write,  spell  and  work  ex- 


212  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

amples  in  arithmetic  as  far  over  as  long  division.  Be- 
sides each  one  should  have  i,ooo  shekels,  so  if  I  did  not 
like  their  style  I  could  tax  them  clean  off  the  Island. 

I  would  do  a  great  many  other  things,  if  I  had  a  mil- 
lion. I  would  be  generous  with  my  friends,  and  other 
people's  friends.  I  would  dress  up  and  look  wise,  and 
laugh  all  the  time.  It  would  be  a  safe  bet,  if  I  had  a 
million,  that  in  one  year  I  would  be  broke. 


ON  THE  BATTLEFIELD. 

HIS  is  a  story  I  tell  every  year 
between  July  and  eternity.  The 
reason  I  tell  it  is  because  I  have 
told  it  so  many  times  I  believe 
it.  If  I  should  hear  anyone  else 
tell  it  I  would  not  believe  it.  I  do 
not  believe  that  anyone  would  take 
chances  on  telling  it.  It  is  safe 
to  say  that  they  would  not  make 
a  hit  with  it.  I  never  did.  Tell- 
ing stories  is  a  funny  business.  If 
you  tell  a  story  and  it  falls  flat,  you 
feel  no  larger  than  four  cents;  at  least  that  is  the  case 
with  nie. 

A  friend  once  told  me  a  story  that  happened  in  the 
section  of  Arkansaw  where  I  was  raised. 

"Down  on  the  St.  Louis  &  San  Francisco  railroad,"' 
he  said,  "there  was  an  eating  station  which  was  very 
much  Arkansaw.  About  all  one  could  get  there  was 
smoked  hog's  jowl  cooked  with  greens,  lye  hominy  and 
middling  meat.  One  day  I  was  going  through  that  sec- 
tion on  a  local  passenger  train.  A  brakeman  came 
through  the  cars  yelling  out : 

"'Next  station!  twenty  minutes  for  dinner.' 
"As  we  rolled  into  the  depot  I  could  smell  the  bacon. 
An  old  white-haired  negro  stood  out  in  front  of  the  build- 
ing ringing  a  bell  for  all  he  was  worth.     Near  him  sat 

2J3 


214  A  BUNDLE  OF  SL'XSHINE. 

one  of  those  yellow,  hungry-looking  Arkansaw  dogs 
with  his  eyes  closed  and  his  face  turned  heavenward, 
howling  and  crying  at  the  clanging  of  the  bell.  As  I 
passed  through  the  door  the  negro  stopped  and  looking 
clown  at  the  dog  said  : 

" 'Lookey  harh,  dog!  what's  yo'  cryiii'  'bout?  Yo' 
don't  haft  ter  eat  hash." 

Now,  of  course,  when  he  told  that  story  I  had  to 
laugh.  That  same  evening  I  told  the  same  story  to  a 
friend,  and  he  never  even  smiled.  All  I  could  do  was 
to  look  and  feel  foolish.  I  met  him  the  next  day,  and 
he  said  to  me : 

"Do  you  remember  that  story  you  told  me  last  even- 
ing?" 

"I  do;  what  about  it?" 

"Well,  why  didn't  that  negro  feed  that  dog?" 

Early  in  the  Spring,  twenty-two  years  ago,  I  was 
overtaken  with  a  morbid  desire  to  rent  a  farm.  I  lived  at 
that  time  in  Pendleton,  Oregon.  I  wanted  to  get  away 
from  the  song  of  the  blacksmith's  anvil.  The  noise  of 
town  made  me  nervous.  I  met  a  man  (whose  name  I 
have  forgotten,  and  I  guess  he  is  glad  of  it)  who  owned 
a  farm  on  Birch  Creek,  eighteen  miles  south  of  Pendle- 
ton. He  said  he  would  rent  me  his  farm,  allowing  me 
half  the  crop  and  half  the  apples  and  grapes.  I  accepted 
his  offer  right  there  and  then,  and  took  charge  of  the 
farm  at  once. 

The  least  I  could  figure  on  making  that  season  was 
$5,000.  I  also  figured  out  what  I  could  do  with  the 
money  when  I  got  it.  I  felt  that  I  had  a  new  lease  on 
life,  and  I  could  not  see  anything  ahead  of  me  but  sun- 
shine and  wealth. 

In  due  time  I  found  myself  on  that  farm  ready  for 
business.     The  first  thing  I  discovered  was  that  I  had 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE.  215 

to  live  alone  and  do  my  own  cooking.  There  was  only 
a  brindle  dog  to  keep  me  company,  and  he  had  the  least 
sense  of  any  dog  I  had  ever  met.  Every  time  I  started 
to  sing  he  would  cry.  I  could  not  blame  him  for  that, 
for  I  had  tried  my  singing  on  men  and  women  and  they 
would  not  stand  for  it.  He  would  stay  out  all  night  in 
the  rain;  then  in  the  morning  he  would  come  in  soaking 
wet  whining  for  a  drink. 

The  nights  were  very  lonesome,  and  the  coyotes  made 
things  all  the  more  hideous  with  their  unearthly  howls. 
I  believe  there  are  more  coyotes  to  the  square  acre  in  that 
part  of  Oregon  than  any  other  place  on  earth.  As  for 
keeping  batch,  I  made  a  botch  of  it.  My  cooking  was 
very  plain.  I  ate  boiled  potatoes  until  I  had  a  brogue, 
and  the  tgg  habit  fastened  itself  onto  me,  so  that  I  hated 
to  hear  a  hen  sing.  The  very  sight  of  a  chicken  was  re- 
pulsive to  me, 

I  started  in  ploughing  early  so  that  I  could  get  my 
crop  in  and  get  it  off  my  mind.  Everything  went  along 
very  well.  I  put  in  ten  acres  of  garden  truck  and  it  all 
came  up  fine.  I  could  not  have  asked  for  better  pros- 
pects. As  time  wore  on,  I  could  see  very  plainly  that  if 
it  did  not  rain  soon  everything  I  had  would  wilt  and  dry 
up.  The  parching  sun  poured  down  its  scorching  rays 
day  after  day.  I  kept  on  eating  potatoes  and  eggs  and 
praying  for  rain.  The  long  drouth  disheartened  me,  but 
the  worst  was  yet  to  come.  The  first  thing  I  knew  a 
grasshopper  plague  set  in.  They  came  by  the  millions, 
settled  on  that  ranch  and  took  everything  that  looked 
green.  Then  I  quit  praying  for  rain.  I  made  up  my 
mind  to  turn  the  farm  over  to  the  grasshoppers,  which 
I  did.  I  was  then  ready  to  pack  up  and  return  to  Pendle- 
ton. 


2i6  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

One  morning  I  looked  across  the  field  and  saw  a  man 
and  a  woman  running  for  their  lives.  Something  terri- 
ble had  happened  I  was  certain.  As  they  neared  the 
house  I  ran  out  and  opened  the  gate  for  them.  They 
reached  the  place  exhausted  and  frightened  half  to  death. 
Almost  out  of  breath  the  man  said  : 

"For  God's  sake,  man !  do  you  know  the  danger  you 
are  in  ?  Hitch  up  your  team  as  quick  as  possible  and  let 
us  fly  for  our  lives  to  Pendleton.  The  Bannock  Indians 
are  on  the  warpath,  and  they  are  butchering  settlers  all 
over  the  country.  Wife  and  I  just  escaped  being 
slaughtered  by  the  red  devils.  Make  all  haste  with  your 
team  or  they  will  overtake  us  and  we  will  be  shot  down 
like  dogs." 

For  a  few  seconds  I  was  speechless,  and  turned  blind 
with  fright.  I  told  him  to  send  his  wife  in  the  house, 
then  help  me  hitch  up  the  team.  We  rushed  out  to  the 
barn,  and  in  a  short  time  we  were  ready  to  fly  to  safety. 
I  can  never  forget  how  that  poor  woman  suffered  with 
fear.  We  all  piled  into  the  wagon  and  pulled  out  for 
Pendleton.  The  road  was  good,  the  horses  in  fine  trim 
and  there  was  no  excuse  for  slow  time.  To  say  the 
least,  we  were  not  long  in  reaching  our  destination.  We 
found  Pendleton  wild  with  excitement.  The  town  was 
fortified  with  sacks  of  wool,  wagons,  fence  rails  and 
everything  and  anything  that  would  turn  an  Indian  bul- 
let. There  was  a  large  stone  flouring  mill  in  the  upper 
end  of  town,  and  in  that  all  the  women  and  children  were 
harbored.  Pendleton  was  situated  on  the  edge  of  the 
Umatilla  reservation,  and  the  people  were  afraid  that  the 
Umatilla  Indians  would  join  the  Bannocks.  In  such  an 
event  saltpeter  would  not  have  saved  us. 

All  day  wagons  loaded  with  dead  and  dying  settlers 
were  pouring  into   town.     The   wailing  of  tlie    grief- 


2i8  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

Stricken  mothers  and  wives  was  something  terrible.  They 
were  running  from  one  neighbor's  house  to  another  tell- 
ing of  the  awful  fate  that  had  befallen  their  brothers,  sons 
or  husbands.  It  was  an  impressive  scene  that  I  can 
never  forget,  and  I  hope  never  to  see  such  another.  It 
seemed  that  the  situation  was  growing  worse  every  hour. 
Volunteers  had  gone  to  the  front,  and  more  were  to  fol- 
low. There  were  but  few  guns  and  little  ammunition 
left.  I  had  never  seen  an  Indian  on  the  warpath,  and 
every  time  I  saw  my  shadow  I  would  shy  off  to  one  side 
like  a  frightened  horse.  I  had  never  read  about  Indians, 
as  the  only  books  we  had  on  the  farm  were  the  family 
Bible  and  Doctor  Chase's  recipe  book. 

I  got  in  everybody's  way  somehow.  I  never  felt  so 
out  of  place  in  my  life.  I  learned  that  a  number  of  volun- 
teers were  getting  ready  to  leave  the  next  day.  I  was 
well  aware  of  the  fact  that  horses  were  about  as  scarce  as 
guns,  and  that  pleased  me,  for  if  there  was  one  place  on 
earth  that  I  did  not  care  to  go  it  was  to  the  front.  I  had 
never  been  introduced  to  the  Bannock  Indians,  and  I  did 
not  care  to  go  into  the  hills  and  pick  a  row  with  them. 
I  wanted  the  volunteers  to  think  I  was  anxious  to  go, 
however,  and  that  taking  Indian  scalps  was  sport  for  me. 
In  order  to  carry  out  my  bluff  I  went  to  a  prominent  at- 
torney, whose  name  was  Jim  Turner,  (now  deceased, 
alas !)  and  I  timidly  said  to  him : 

'T  do  wish  I  had  a  horse;  I  would  like  to  join  that 
company  of  volunteers  and  go  to  Willow  Springs  with 
them." 

"A  horse !  is  that  all  that's  holding  you  ?" 

"Yes,  sir;  if  I  could  only  get  a  horse  I " 

"Well,  don't  let  that  bother  you.     You  see  that  bald 
face  horse  tied  to  the  court  house  fence  ?"    . 
"Ye,  ye,  yes,  sir ;  I  see  him." 


A  BUNDLE  OP  SUNSHINE.  219 

"Well,  that  is  my  horse,  and  you  can  take  him." 

"No,  no,  Mr.  Turner;  I  did  not  mean  to  say  that — 
that  I  could  go ;  you  see  I  have  a-a-er  friend,  and  he " 

"Oh,  yes.  of  course,  you  have  a  friend  now  you  want 
to  go.  I  suppose  you  made  the  bluff  that  you  wanted  to 
go  because  you  thought  there  were  no  horses  to  be  had?" 

"Ye,  yes,  no,  no,  not  exactly  that ;  you  see  this  friend 
is  an  old  Indian  fighter  and  he  is  very  anxious  to " 

"Oh,  well,  now  stop  your  bluffing  and  take  my  hor.se 
and  go  on." 

"Yes,  sir,  oh  yes,  sir,  I  will  go;  I  want  to  go,  but  I 
wanted  to  give  my  friend  the  preference,  as  he  wants 
to  to " 

"Stay  here — I  guess,  just  the  same  as  you  do,  but  you 
will  both  go,  if  I  know  myself." 

"Yes,  sir,  we  will  both  go,  but  I  wanted  to  be  good  to 
him.  I  will  take  your  horse  and  beat  my  friend  to  the 
fighting  line  if  I  can." 

That  was  one  of  the  times  I  got  brave  at  the  wrong 
place.  I  was  in  for  it ;  I  had  to  go  with  the  volunteers 
early  the  next  morning.  I  retired  early  that  night  with 
a  heavy  heart.  I  did  a  great  deal  of  reflecting,  regretting 
and  thinking  before  I  fell  asleep.  I  saw  myself  on  the 
battlefield  fighting  desperately.  We  made  a  charge  upon 
a  thousand  Indians  or  more.  In  this  struggle  I  saw  my- 
self fall  from  my  horse  with  a  mortal  wound  in  my  breast. 
I  was  carried  from  the  field  on  a  stretcher.  I  could  see 
my  cold  form  in  a  casket  with  friends  around  me.  The 
remains  w^ere  shipped  back  to  the  dear  ones  at  home  who 
had  always  loved  and  cherished  me.  I  saw  them  lift  the 
casket  cover  and  take  a  farewell  look  at  the  brave  boy  who 
fell  on  the  battlefield  fighting  for  his  country.  Then  I 
heard  the  dead  march,  and  they  followed  the  casket  to  the 
silent  grave  on  the  little  mound  in  the  cemetery,  where 


220  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

others  had  gone  before  me.  I  saw  them  all  as  they  stood 
by  that  lonely  grave,  shedding  tears  and  weeping  for  a 
mother's  boy  who  had  left  them  never  to  return.  I 
thought  of  the  flight  of  the  soul  and  was  wondering 
when  I  would  join  the  heavenly  band,  when  I  heard  a 
loud  knock  at  my  door  and  the  order : 

"Say,  'Lengthy,'  you  tenderfoot,  climb  out  of  there. 
It's  four  o'clock;  Captain  Berry  and  his  men  are  about 
ready  to  start." 

I  had  passed  a  wretched  night,  and  I  wished  with  all 
my  soul  that  Jim  Turner's  horse  would  drop  dead.  The 
drouth  and  the  grasshoppers  had  taken  my  crop,  and  I 
did  not  care  to  finish  up  the  summer  by  allowing  a  lot 
of  wild,  blood-thirsty  Indians  to  take  me. 

Five  minutes  before  our  Captain  gave  the  sign  of  dis- 
tress— to  move  on,  I  was  in  the  saddle.  Thirty-five  of 
the  bravest  volunteers  that  ever  shouldered  guns  on  the 
Umatilla  river  started  on  a  forty-mile  march.  That  old 
horse  of  mine  looked  more  like  a  saw-horse  than  a  war- 
horse.  I  promptly  named  him  Cultus,  which  in  the 
Chinook  jargon  means  positively  no  good.  He  had  but 
two  shoes,  and  one  of  them  was  loose.  He  was  lame  in 
one  leg,  and  every  time  he  struck  a  trot  I  went  up  and 
down  in  the  saddle  like  a  churn  dasher.  My  stirrup 
straps  were  much  too  short;  this  added  to  my  misery. 
I  certainly  presented  the  picture  of  a  sad  looking  warrior. 
I  did  not  even  look  the  part  of  self  defense.  Cultus  was 
a  slow  beast,  always  a  hundred  feet  or  so  behind  the 
others.  Beating  him  did  little  good.  He  seemed  as  in- 
vulnerable as  a  log.  Between  holding  my  gun,  whipping 
that  horse  and  jumping  up  and  down  in  my  saddle,  I  was 
about  the  busiest  soldier  in  the  company. 

The  truth  of  it  is,  I  did  not  know  how  to  ride  a  horse. 
All  the  rehearsing  I  ever  had  up  to  that  time  was  in  go- 


^^1 


222  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

ing  to  an  old  watermill  with  a  turn  of  corn  on  a  plough 
mule  down  south.  I  never  had  a  profession  that  I  could 
brag  on,  so  it  is  safe  to  presume  that  I  felt  embarrassed 
with  these  volunteers. 

We  pushed  on  hour  after  hour  toward  the  field  of 
destruction.  I  did  not  ask  many  questions,  as  my  com- 
panions were  inclined  to  poke  fun  at  me.  Every  little 
while  some  of  the  boys  would  look  back  at  the  cloud  of 
dust  which  surrounded  me  and  yell : 

"Hurry  up  there,  tenderfoot,  or  you  will  get  lost." 

I  was  such  a  long,  lean,  hungry  looking  pair  of  tongs 
that  it  really  seemed  a  pity  to  take  me  out  to  be  shot  full 
of  holes  by  a  lot  of  wild  redskins.  I  knew  that  I  could 
never  hit  an  Indian,  even  if  I  had  one  tied  to  a  tree,  and 
I  also  knew  that  if  we  had  to  retreat  the  other  volunteers 
would  make  their  escape  and  I  would  be  captured,  be- 
cause Cultus  was  so  slow. 

We  traveled  all  day  through  the  boiling  sun  which 
poured  down  like  fiery  beams  from  Sheol,  and  never  saw 
an  Indian.  We  did  meet,  however,  a  great  many  set- 
tlers fleeing  for  their  lives  toward  Pendleton  with  their 
dead  and  wounded.  They  told  us  of  the  awful  depreda- 
tions of  the  Indians.  Settlers  had  been  shot  down  and 
then  cut  to  pieces.  Many  of  them  had  been  pinned  to 
the  earth  and  left  to  die  by  inches.  Some  had  been 
scalped  and  tortured  in  a  most  fiendish  manner.  Women 
and  children  were  crying  and  weeping  over  the  bodies  of 
their  kindred.  One  man  dashed  up  to  us  on  his  horse 
almost  crazed  with  excitement. 

"For  God's  sake,  men!"  he  said,  "don't  attempt  to 
go  to  Willow  Springs  with  that  handful  of  volunteers! 
You  will  all  be  massacred !  Not  one  of  you  will  live  to 
tell  the  story." 


1 


HE    TOLD    ME    HIS    TOE    NAILS    GREW    SO    LONG    HE    HAD    TO    CHOP 
THEM    OFP    WITH    AN    AX. 


223 


224  ^  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

All  we  met  begged  us  not  to  go  any  farther  without 
reinforcements.  Of  course,  these  stories  did  not  quiet 
my  nerves.  I  was  then  about  ready  to  fall  off  my  horse 
with  fear.  Our  Captain  took  no  heed  of  the  advice  given 
him.  He  said  he  could  take  thirty-five  men  and  kill  off 
hundreds  of  Indians,  and  on  we  went.  When  we  reached 
Willow  Springs  I  was  tired,  hungry  and  saddlesore. 
We  staked  our  horses,  lighted  a  camp  fire  and  prepared  a 
meal.  Our  Captain  gave  us  orders  how  to  act  in  case  we 
should  be  attacked  that  night.  There  was  a  sheep-shed 
near  by  and  we  spread  our  blankets  and  turned  in  for 
the  night.  The  next  morning  at  daybreak  the  roof  of  the 
shed  was  perforated  with  bullets.  There  was  a  perfect 
shower  of  them,  and  in  thirty  minutes  it  resembled  a  por- 
ous plaster.  On  the  top  of  a  hill  to  the  east  of  us  the  In- 
dians had  fortified  themselves  while  we  slept.  I  did  not 
mind  being  shot  at.  only  they  were  so  careless  and  rough 
about  it.     Our  Captain  gave  a  rush  order : 

"Out  of  this  shed,  face  in  line  and  shoot  for  all  you 
are  worth." 

All  was  confusion,  and,  of  course,  I  got  in  everybody's 
way.  Somehow  I  was  the  last  man  out  of  that  shed,  al- 
though from  my  double  quick  movements  they  all  thought 
I  would  be  the  first  out,  the  first  in  line,  and  the  first  to 
get  killed.  When  we  lined  up  it  reminded  me  of  the  first 
spelling  class  in  a  country  school,  some  toed  in  and  some 
toed  out.  Just  then  there  must  have  been  another  army 
of  Indians  turned  loose,  for  there  was  a  regular  hail 
storm  of  lead.  The  bullets  came  down  like  rain  drops  in 
the  dust.  We  returned  the  fire  as  fast  as  we  could  load, 
although  we  could  not  see  the  enemy.  Once  in  a  while 
one  or  two  Indians  would  venture  down  the  backbone  of 
tlie  hill.  We  could  not  see  much  of  them,  however,  as 
they  hid  behind  their  horses. 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE.  225 

Charley  Hendricks  jumped  into  the  air  and  said : 
"Well,  they  got  me,"  and  he  limped  over  toward  the  shed 
with  a  wound  in  his  left  leg.  In  another  minute  two  more 
of  our  men,  Hale  and  LeMar,  were  mortally  wounded 
and  fell  dead.  Our  horses  were  suffering,  and  as  the 
Captain  saw  we  were  in  a  tight  place  he  gave  the  order 
to  retreat.  We  took  the  bodies  of  the  two  dead  men, 
lashed  them  to  their  horses,  and  got  out  of  there  faster 
than  we  went  in.  I  do  not  know  just  how  many  Indians 
we  were  fighting,  but  from  the  way  they  whooped  and 
yelled  and  fired  it  seemed  to  me  there  must  have  been  be- 
tween 3,000.000  and  4,000,000.  As  we  were  leaving 
Cultus  received  a  shot  in  the  hip.  It  was  certainly  the 
most  awakening  thing  that  ever  happened  to  him.  He 
acted  like  an  Arabian  steed,  and  tried  to  run  away  with 
me.  I  let  him  run,  but  not  too  far  ahead,  as  I  did  not 
know  how  soon  I  might  run  into  a  fresh  band  of  Ban- 
nocks. We  had  been  retreating  for  something  like  an 
hour,  when  it  occurred  to  me  that  my  left  foot  was  very 
hot.  I  had  on  boots,  and  as  I  looked  down  at  the  left 
one  I  discovered  a  bullet  hole  at  the  ankle,  from  which 
there  was  oozing  a  stream  of  blood.  Here  my  heart 
almost  failed  me.  because  I  was  certain  I  only  had  a  few 
moments  to  live.  I  was  sure  that  my  whole  being  was 
soaked  with  bullets.     My  sad  whine  was  pitiful. 

The  boys  took  me  off  my  horse,  and  removed  my 
boot.  In  the  battle  there  was  one  bullet  I  did  not  dodge 
and  I  got  it  in  the  ankle,  but  on  account  of  the  excitement 
I  did  not  feel  the  pain  at  that  time.  I  did  not  care  so 
much  about  the  ankle  wound,  but  in  an  excited  manner 
T  begged  the  boys  to  take  off  my  shirt  and  see  how  many 
times  I  was  shot  in  the  body.  They  examined  me,  but 
could  find  no  other  wound.  I  felt  some  easier  then,  so  I 
mounted  old  Cultus  and  we  were  off. 


226  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

On  the  road  home  we  saw  an  Indian  scout  at  a  dis- 
tance. One  of  our  boys  took  steady  aim,  and  poor  Lo's 
untutored  mind  saw  a  spirit  in  the  clouds  and  heard 
something  in  the  winds, — then  his  ghm  went  out.  This 
is  only  a  polite  way  of  saying  that  he  shot  that  scout  be- 
tween the  eyes  and  killed  him  deader  than  a  nit. 

When  we  reached  Pendleton,  I  rode  up  to  the  court 
house  fence  and  tied  Cultus  right  where  I  got  him.  Then 
I  walked  lame  to  Jim  Turner's  office  and  told  him  that  I 
could  find  a  friend  to  take  his  horse  if  he  would  see  about 
getting  me  on  the  pension  list. 

Since  that  time  I  have  never  spoken  of  Indians,  unless 
I  know  they  are  dead ;  then  my  remarks  are  kindly,  but  I 
don't  mean  them. 


ROOSTERS. 


(JR  many  years  I  have  made  a  care- 
ful study  of  the  rooster.  He,  of 
course,  belongs  to  the  ornithological 
kingdom  because  he  is  a  bird,  but 
he  has  many  of  the  traits  and  idio- 
syncrasies of  mankind.  He  is  gre- 
garious as  long  as  there  is  a  hen  left 
in  the  barnyard.  In  company  with 
a  bevy  of  hens,  he  is  always  gar- 
rulous, polite,  pleasing,  ostenta- 
tious, brave,  arrogant,  jealous,  de- 
ceitful, and  very  much  of  a  flirt.  With  his  hypnotic 
power  he  is  able  to  wield  a  great  influence;  should  that 
power  fail  him  he  resorts  to  coercion.  If  he  is  a  game 
rooster,  he  makes  an  effort  to  exercise  a  rigorous  sway 
over  all  the  scrub  birds  on  the  place.  In  short,  he  tries 
to  hold  supreme  command,  and  this  he  can  never  do  until 
he  puts  a  lot  of  his  opponents  to  sleep  in  a  few  unfriendly 
bouts.  When  a  light  or  middle-weight  rival,  whose 
spurs  and  fetlocks  are  not  up  to  date,  crosses  the  game 
rooster's  path  he  gives  him  one  withering  look,  as  if 
to  say : 

"I  am  the  invincible.  This  means  for  you  servitude. 
a  sore  head  and  a  new  roosting  place  if  you  pester  around 
my  covey." 

In  the  early  morning  I  have  been  seated  on  the  barn- 
yard fence  and  have  watched  with  interest  the  c-esthetic 

227 


228  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

rooster  in  his  peregrinations.  His  whole  aim  and  study 
seems  to  be  on  how  to  make  a  hit  with  the  hens.  He  is 
to  be  complimented  on  his  subtleties  and  subterfuges.  I 
have  seen  him  saunter  over  to  one  corner  of  the  yard  with 
devilment  in  his  eyes  and  deceitfulness  in  his  walk. 
There  he  would  scratch  around  until  he  found  a  bit  of 
something  to  eat,  which  he  was  careful  not  to  swallow. 
He  would  pick  it  up,  then  let  it  drop,  repeating  the  per- 
formance several  times,  all  the  while  calling  to  the  hens 
to  come  running.  He  would  make  such  a  fuss  about  it 
that  the  hens  thought  perhaps  he  had  found  a  diamond, 
and  they  just  fell  all  over  each  other  getting  to  him.  I 
imagined  that  when  he  was  making  all  the  noise  about 
his  find  he  was  saying  to  the  hens : 

"Gee  whiz !  girls,  come  in  a  rush !  I  have  found 
breakfast  for  all ;  hurry  up !  See  which  one  of  you  can 
get  here  first." 

Just  about  the  time  they  came  up  he  would  deftly 
swallow  the  bit  of  food.  Then  he  would  look  at  them 
with  a  smile  of  blandishment  and  as  much  as  to  say: 

"Well,  I  fooled  you  that  time,  didn't  I  ?" 

All  the  hens  could  do  then  was  to  stand  around  and 
look  foolish.  Then  to  add  insult  to  injury,  he  would 
walk  around  with  his  big  feet  and  step  on  some  hen's  foot 
every  time.  Perhaps,  it  would  not  be  ten  minutes  until 
he  would  be  in  another  corner  of  the  yard  and  play 
the  same  joke  over  again  on  the  same  hens.  It  made 
little  difference  how  many  times  a  day  he  played  this 
favorite  joke  of  his,  the  hens  never  failed  to  run  to  him 
and  see  what  he  had  found.  It  occurred  to  me  that  he 
must  be  the  official  joker  of  the  barnyard,  and  that  they 
simply  ran  to  him  to  carry  out  the  joke,  or  something  of 
that  kind.  Perhaps  it  was  because  everything  female  is 
susceptible  of  deception. 


^29 


230  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

The  life  of  a  hen  is  by  no  means  a  happy  one.  When 
she  is  not  being  deceived  by  some  low  browed  rooster, 
she  is  employing  her  time  on  a  setting  of  eggs.  It  is  no 
wonder  that  a  setting  hen  gets  cross.  She  sets  and  sets 
until  she  is  all  worn  out  and  as  stiff  as  a  poker  for  the 
want  of  exercise  and  fresh  air.  A  rooster  would  let  her 
set  there  for  nine  years  before  he  would  offer  to  take  a 
shift  keeping  her  eggs  warm.  He  is  always  too  busy 
trifling.  Now  a  canary  bird  is  different.  The  male  will 
take  a  regular  shift  and  give  the  little  hen  a  chance  to 
shake  herself  and  take  a  bath,  besides  while  she  is  on 
watch  he  will  take  her  something  to  eat  like  any  rooster 
should.  A  poor  old  sad-eyed  hen,  however,  will  set  on 
eggs  or  door-knobs  until  her  nerves  are  wrecked  and  her 
disposition  ruined  forever,  and  never  receive  the  least  at- 
tention. No  wonder  they  scold.  I  used  to  imagine  that 
a  setting  hen  could  swear  and  use  cuss  words  in  her  own 
language.     I  am  now  convinced  I  was  right. 

A  gentleman  ostrich  will  take  turn  about  on  a  setting 
of  eggs.  When  the  hen  grows  tired  the  male  relieves  her 
while  she  takes  a  rest  and  at  the  same  time  eats  up  a  keg  of 
nails  and  a  few  oyster  cans.  Some  writer  has  said  that 
the  ostrich  leaves  its  eggs  on  the  sands  of  the  desert  to  be 
hatched  by  the  heat  of  the  sun.  That  might  have  been 
the  case  in  that  writer's  time,  but  the  ostrich  of  to-day  is 
different. 

Pliny  the  Elder  in  speaking  of  the  ostrich  said : 

"They  imagine  when  they  have  thrust  their  head  and 
neck  into  a  bush  that  the  whole  of  the  body  is  concealed." 

If  Mr.  Pliny  was  living  he  could  guess  again,  as  the 
modern  ostrich  has  cut  that  out.  especially  those  in  the 
circus  business. 

He  also  said  that  roosters  prelude  their  crowing  by 
clapping  their  wings  on  their  sides.    He  has  another  guess 


A  BUNDLE  Of  SUXSIIINE.  231 

on  that  also.  The  noise  is  produced  by  the  clapping 
of  their  wings  together  over  their  backs.  Anyone  who 
wishes  to  satisfy  himself  on  this  ix)int  can  set  up  all  night 
and  watch  for  the  prelude  of  a  rooster's  crowing  at  the 
break  of  day.  What  has  worried  me  most  about  a  rooster 
IS  that  he  can  go  on  in  the  practice  of  deception,  never 
rendering  the  least  assistance  and  still  the  hens  all  stand 
for  it.  The  only  thing  about  roosters  worthy  of  men- 
tion is  that  they  are  good  about  announcing  the  coming 
of  day.  Even  at  that  I  have  heard  them  crow  all  night 
just  to  mislead  a  chickenless  farmer. 


ANSWERING  CORRESPONDENCE. 


OF  late  I  have  received  a  number  of 
letters  from  persons  seeking  in- 
formation. The  following  letter 
reached  my  office  yesterday. 
Dear  Sir  :  Would  you  be  kind 
enough  to  answer  a  few  very  im- 
portant questions  for  me?  I  am 
about  to  be  married  to  a  young 
man  whose  name  is  Willis.  The 
wedding  will  take  place  right 
after  haying  time.  I  want  you 
to  give  me  some  ideas  about  my 
bridal  suit  and  second-day  dress. 
What  material  do  you  think 
would  look  cute  and  innocent-like, 
and  how  do  you  think  it  should  be  made  up?  It  will  be 
the  first  time  I  was  ever  married  and  I  am  so  nervous 
that  I  do  not  know  half  the  time  where  I  am.  I  am  told 
that  you  are  a  married  man,  and  I  would  like  to  have 
you  advise  me  how  a  husband  should  be  treated  to  insure 
domestic  happiness.  I  would  like  also  to  know  how  he 
should  treat  me,  because  I  have  made  up  my  mind  square- 
toed  and  flat-footed  that  no  man  can  ever  run  over  me 
if  I  know  myself. 

Willis  is  very  affectionate  and  has  chestnut  brown 
hair.     I  have  found  one  objection  to  him;  he  is  some- 

232 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE.  333 

what  hyperbolical,  and  that  I  despise  in  anyone.  He  is 
tall  and  does  not  care  for  expenses.  He  has  no  trade 
or  profession,  but  he  can  do  most  anything  that  is  lucra- 
tive. At  present  he  is  digging  wells,  but  I  do  not  like 
to  have  him  vv^ork  at  that.  I  had  rather  have  him  do 
something  where  he  can  be  on  earth,  as  working  under 
ground  is  dangerous.  He  is  liable  to  get  full  of  gas 
and  leave  a  widow  to  mourn  his  loss.  He  has  shoveled 
coal,  worked  in  a  bath  house,  herded  sheep,  pulled  corn, 
hung  wall  paper  and  broke  up  ground.  He  would  have 
broke  up  his  father  also  if  he  could  have  had  his  way. 
Being  familiar  with  all  this  work,  I  can  not  see  why  he 
should  experience  any  trouble  in  supporting  me.  Of 
course,  I  could  help  to  earn  the  living,  only  I  swore  once 
that  I  would  never  work  out. 

I  love  him  half  to  death  and  will  do  almost  anything 
to  make  him  happy,  although  I  will  never  allow  him  to- 
mistreat  me.  If  he  ever  does,  I  will  put  turpentine  in 
his  coffee,  sprinkle  him  with  dish-water  all  over  and  then 
sic  the  dogs  on  him.  I  have  heard  ma-ma  talk  about 
men,  and  she  says  if  a  woman  gives  in  to  her  husband 
he  will  treat  her  meaner  than  an  ash-cat.  I  haven't  much 
education,  but  I  do  consider  that  I  have  a  little  horse- 
sense. 

Willis  is  of  a  good  family,  except  that  his  father 
comes  home  once  in  a  while  fuller  than  a  fiddler  and 
acts  terribly.  H  his  temper  happens  to  be  bad  he  will 
tear  up  the  carpets,  put  out  all  the  fires  and  then  go  out 
into  the  orchard  and  pull  up  young  fruit  trees.  And  his 
breath,  gee  whiz !  it  would  put  the  organ  out  of  tune. 

As  soon  as  we  are  married,  we  will  take  a  short 
bridal  tour.  Willis  has  suggested  that  we  go  out  camp- 
ing. 


234  ^  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

I  am  35  years  old.  weigh  191  pounds,  have  short 
blonde  hair  and  am  fond  of  ice  cream  and  fruit  cake. 

Please  answer  as  soon  as  you  can  conveniently  and 
give  me  all  the  information  possible,  as  I  hope  you  recog- 
nize the  fact  that  we  women  do  not  have  the  attention 
and  care  we  should  have — hence  the  need  of  information. 
Yours  truly,  Jane. 

P.  S. — Do  you  know  how  to  make  good  corn  bread? 
If  so,  please  send  me  a  recipe;  also  give  me  some  points 
on  how  to  raise  chickens.  I  would  like  to  know  also 
whether  you  believe  in  hoodoos  and  signs.  Willis  is  just 
full  of  them.     Yours,  J. 

Dear  ]\Iiss  Jane  :  Your  favor  of  late  date  has  been 
read,  and  I  shall  endeavor  to  give  you  enough  informa- 
tion to  enable  you  to  stand  your  ground  if  Willis  should 
at  any  time  go  on  the  warpath. 

Now,  of  course.  Miss  Jane,  I  must  tell  you  right  on 
the  jump  that  I  am  not  a  married  man.  I  was  once 
engaged  to  be  married  to  a  maiden  fair,  however,  but 
her  parents  registered  a  kick,  and  her  brothers  were  op- 
posed to  it.  At  last  she  backed  out  and  I  quit.  So  for 
some  reason  we  did  not  get  married.  She  told  me  that 
she  would  never  marry  me  anyway,  unless  I  had  enough 
money  put  away  to  pay  for  a  divorce  suit.  I  kind  of  took 
it  for  granted  that  she  did  not  anticipate  a  happy  mar- 
riage, so  she  returned  the  engagement  ring  and  I  went 
to  work  in  a  saw-mill. 

I  do  not  know  how  to  make  good  corn-bread ;  I  tried 
it  once  on  the  farm,  and  when  it  was  ready  to  eat  it  looked 
like  petrified  bark.  It  w'ould  have  made  a  very  good  door 
prop. 

I  hope  you  and  your  Willis  will  be  a  big  success,  and 
you  can  be  if  you  know  how  to  handle  him.     I  may  say 


A   BUNDLE   OF  SUNSHINE.  235 

here,  however,  that  I  think  marriage  east  of  the  Missouri 
river  is  a  faikire. 

You  say  WilHs  has  chestnut  brown  hair  and  that 
yours  is  of  a  blonde  color.  That  ought  to  be  a  good 
combination,  but  if  you  fail  to  agree  you  will  find  him 
a  chestnut  and  you  will  be  red-headed  more  than  once. 
If  you  take  pains  and  study  him  you  will  soon  learn 
how  to  emulsify  the  corrugated  edges  of  his  coarse  na- 
ture. 

You  say  he  is  somewhat  hyperbolical.  I  am  sorry 
for  that,  for  if  he  is  given  to  stumbling  over  the  truth 
while  he  is  single  there  is  no  telling  where  he  will  stop 
after  he  is  married.  A  great  many  married  men  cultivate 
the  habit  of  telling  falsehoods.  I  never  could  under- 
stand why  they  do  it,  but  they  do.  If  a  man  had  to  wash 
his  mouth  with  soap  every  time  he  told  an  untruth  his 
neighbors  would  think  from  his  looks  that  he  was  in 
the  habit  of  eating  suds. 

When  you  are  married  to  \Villis,  the  first  thing  to  do 
is  to  get  the  names  of  all  his  friends.  You  need  not  ask 
him  who  they  are,  for  sooner  or  later  he  will  tell  you. 
Keep  them  all  in  mind,  and  do  not  show  at  any  time  that 
you  are  suspicious,  but  give  him  plenty  of  rope.  The 
time  will  come  when  he  will  tell  you  about  being  out 
with  Jim  the  night  before,  and  it  may  turn  out  that  Jim 
has  been  out  of  town  all  Summer.  Then  you  can  make 
your  husband  look  like  a  cripple. 

The  husband  business  is  a  great  problem.  It  is  true 
they  are  indispensable,  and  yet  they  often  ship  in  train- 
loads  of  unhappiness  for  a  tender,  loving  and  defenseless 
wife  to  stack  up  in  the  front  parlor  of  a  little  home. 
Where  mirth  and  joy  should  reign  in  her  heart,  there  is 
a  great  cargo  of  misery.  Her  affections  are  lacerated 
and  her  bright  hopes  have  turned  to  extreme  anguish. 


236  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

The  clouds  above  are  no  longer  sprinkling  pots  of  heaven, 
sending  down  showers  of  crystal  drops  to  cool  the  burn- 
ing earth.  They  are  simply  tears  of  worm-wood,  noth- 
ing more.  I  am  more  than  sure,  however,  that  this 
will  never  be  the  case  with  your  Willis.  Should  he  turn 
out  to  be  that  kind  of  a  husband  I  would  advise  you  not 
to  argue  with  him,  but  just  quietly  go  out  into  the  back- 
yard and  get  the  ax.  That  is  a  fetcher.  There  is  not 
one  husband  in  a  hundred  thousand  who  is  not  afraid 
of  an  ax  in  the  hands  of  a  woman.  They  are  so  awk- 
ward something  sad  is  sure  to  happen.  The  double  bitted 
ax  is  the  best.  Of  course,  I  do  not  recommend  you  to 
put  your  husband  on  the  shelf  for  good,  but  you  might 
make  him  walk  lame. 

I  am  glad  to  know  that  Willis  does  not  drink.  Strong 
drink  is  a  dangerous  thing  for  a  married  man  to  dally 
with.  Indulgence  is  followed  up  with  anger,  ill-will,  sor- 
row, grief,  excessive  care  and  whiskey  gout.  It  is  your 
province  to  exercise  a  proper  control  over  your  husband 
and  keep  him  from  drink.  Deep-seated  love  is  the  first 
thing.  Make  him  love  you  by  being  ever  constant.  Love 
is  free.  No  combination  will  ever  get  a  corner  on  it. 
Love  is  the  divine  essence  of  your  whole  system.  The 
statesman  is  the  leader  of  a  nation;  the  w^arrior  is  the 
grace  of  an  age;  the  philosopher  is  the  birth  of  a  whole 
lot  of  things ;  but  the  lover,  oh !  where  is  he  not  ?  So  do 
not  forget  to  love  your  husband  from  Xmas  to  Xmas. 
In  return  he  will  love  you  the  same,  and  look  upon  strong 
drink  as  he  would  a  viper. 

It  is  a  husband's  duty  to  build  fires  in  the  cook  stove, 
and  to  assist  his  wife  every  possible  way.  It  is  such 
little  things  as  peeling  potatoes,  grinding  coffee,  filling 
the  water  kettle,  scrubbing  the  kitchen  floor,  putting  out 
Monday's  washing,  blackino-  the  stoves,  beating  carpets, 


A    BUNDLE   OF   SUNSHINE.  237 

vvasliing  dishes,  and  getting  the  children  to  bed  that 
makes  a  wife  open  the  door  of  her  heart,  and  causes  her 
eyes  to  gleam  with  purest  love. 

You  should  never  allow  your  husband  to  look  into  the 
sewing  machine  drawer.  It  is  liable  to  make  him  shift- 
less. The  usual  inventory  of  a  sewing  machine  drawer 
runs  something  like  this:  a  lot  of  hooks  and  eyes  tangled 
up  with  silk  twist  and  candle-snuffers;  scraps  of  dress 
goods,  love  letters,  gas  bills,  oil  cans,  hat  pins,  zephyrs, 
shoe  laces,  buttons,  whale  bones,  corset  steels,  buckles, 
thread,  hairpins,  toilet  soap  and  curling  irons.  When  a 
man  has  pawed  over  this  mess  he  is  keyed  up  to  per- 
form almost  any  desperate  deed. 

Domestic  rows  should  be  avoided  by  all  means. 
When  you  get  angry  you  should  go  to  the  ice  house 
and  cool  off.  Every  time  a  man  and  his  wife  quarrel 
they  have  lost  just  so  many  minutes  of  this  life's  sun- 
shine. We  have  but  a  few  short  hours  on  this  cold, 
wicked  ball  of  dirt,  and  we  should  make  it  a  continuous 
performance  of  merriment.  But,  as  I  said  before,  in 
order  to  keep  peace  and  get  your  husband  on  an  agree- 
able basis  you  may  at  times  be  forced  to  go  for  the  ax. 

You  say  you  want  some  ideas  about  a  bridal  suit.  I 
would  suggest  that  you  have  a  neat  fitting  infant  waist, 
made  of  some  material  like  dotted  swiss  or  mull,  trimmed 
with  Valenciennes  lace  about  one-half  finger  length  deep. 
A  cape  of  ecru  Spanish  lace  will  also  add  to  the  innocent 
effect.  I  would  advise  you  to  buy  all  silk  lace  if  you 
can 'afford  it,  as  lace  with  a  cotton  back  soon  gets  nappy, 
besides  it  looks  a  little  jakey.  A  plain  straight  skirt 
without  gores  but  with  a  broad  hem  would  be  neat  and 
not  fussy.  For  a  second  day  dress,  use  one  of  your  old 
ones.     Willis  would  not  know  the  difference,  besides  you 


238  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

would  make  a  hit  with  your  mother-in-law.  She  would 
think  more  of  you  for  being  sensible  and  economical. 

If  you  insist  on  raising  chickens  I  would  advise  you 
to  find  some  one  thoroughly  posted  in  that  business,  and 
then  hire  him. 

You  want  to  know  if  I  believe  in  hoodoos  and  signs. 
1  must  frankly  admit  that  I  do.  You  will  remember, 
no  doubt,  when  3'ou  were  a  little  girl,  your  father  and 
mother  told  you  they  had  found  you  in  a  hollow  tree 
or  briar  patch,  when  you  were  an  infant.  Your  brother 
on  the  doorstep  in  a  basket  and  your  sister  in  a  straw 
stack,  and  so  on.  My  folks  told  me  that  they  found  me 
in  a  brush  pile.  After  I  grew  up,  I  made  it  a  point 
to  examine  brush  piles  and  see  what  I  could  find  in  them 
besides  baby  boys.  In  all  my  searching  I  never  found 
anything  but  rabbits  and  the  foot  of  a  rabbit  is  the 
worst  kind  of  a  hoodoo.  There  is  no  telling  how  long 
I  was  in  that  brush  pile  with  the  rabbits  before  my  folks 
found  me.  That  may  account  for  my  being  a  profes- 
sional hoodoo.  I  am  the  official  hoodoo  of  all  the  mid- 
dle states. 

If  I  should  spread  an  umbrella  in  the  house  some 
one  w'ould  steal  it  within  six  hours.  It  would  then 
pour  down  rain  for  the  next  three  weeks.  If  I  should 
attempt  to  steal  an  umbrella  to  get  even  I  would  be  sure 
to  get  arrested. 

When  I  take  a  street  car  it  is  almost  sure  to  leave 
the  track. 

I  have  been  in  four  train  wrecks,  receiving  injuries 
in  each  of  them.  I  brought  suit  against  four  companies 
for  damages  and  never  received  four  cents.  I  have  been 
held  up  on  stage  coaches  three  times  in  California,  once 
in  Arizona  and  once  in  Oregon.  In  three  of  these 
holdups  the  robbers  invited  me  to  give  up  what  I  had. 


■ONE    DAY    I    SAW    A    WOODMAN     IN     THE    FOREST     WITH    HIS     AX, 
AND    I    WEPT." 


239 


240  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

The  other  passengers  were  not  molested.  In  the  Arizona 
holdup  I  had  no  money  but  the  robbers  took  my  watch 
and  then  gave  me  a  good  sound  kicking  for  being  broke. 

In  hotel  fires  I  am  always  the  last  one  to  get  out 
with  my  life,  but  never  save  my  personal  effects. 

I  started  on  a  tramp  steamer  from  San  Francisco 
to  South  America  some  years  ago.  When  we  reached 
a  point  about  eighty  miles  off  the  coast  of  Guatemala 
the  boat  lost  its  propeller  and  we  drifted  at  the  mercy 
of  the  mad  sea  for  three  days.  Then  the  cargo  shifted, 
the  vessel  sprung  a  leak,  and  we  had  to  abandon  her 
before  she  went  down.  We  took  the  lifeboats  and  rafts 
and  started  out  to  do  a  credit  business — trusting  in  Provi- 
dence. For  two  days  and  nights  we  drifted  without  food 
or  water.  At  last  we  were  picked  up  by  a  passing  steamer 
and  taken  to  Callao,  Peru.  If  the  captains  of  either  of 
these  steamers  had  known  that  they  had  a  Jonah  aboard 
I  would  not  be  here  to  tell  you  about  it. 

I  was  once  a  justice  of  the  peace  in  Oregon  and  had 
the  pleasure  of  tying  the  Gordian  knot  for  three  couples 
while  I  held  that  office.  One  of  the  men  afterward 
committed  suicide,  another  was  drowned,  and  the  third 
secured  a  divorce.  A  prisoner  was  brought  before  me 
one  day  charged  with  stealing  hogs.  I  adjudged  him 
guilty  and  gave  him  thirty  days  and  costs.  He  allowed 
that  the  sentence  was  too  severe,  and  proposed  to  shake 
dice  with  me  to  see  whether  I  should  make  the  sentence 
sixty  days  or  nothing.  I  agreed.  He  shook  four  aces 
and  I  shook  a  pair  of  deuces. 

T  have  crossed  the  continent  twelve  times  and  each 
time  with  one  exception  I  have  been  compelled  to  sleep 
in  an  upper  berth.  That  time  I  traveled  on  a  tea  train 
and  there  was  no  Pullman. 


241 


242  A   BUNDLE   OF  SUNSHINE. 

There  once  stood  a  farm  house  near  our  place  in 
Arkansaw,  the  owner  of  which  was  a  bachelor.  He 
died  and  left  the  farm  to  a  relative.  This  relative  rented 
the  place  to  a  stranger  from  Texas.  He  said  the  reason 
he  left  Texas  was  because  he  was  hoodooed.  On  the  death 
of  the  old  bachelor  the  report  went  out  that  the  house 
was  haunted.     This  did  not  frighten  the  Texan,  however. 

The  first  day  he  worked  about  the  house  cleaning  up 
and  getting  things  in  shape.  In  the  evening  he  sat  on 
the  porch,  smoked  his  pipe  in  comfort  and  saw'  nothing. 
The  next  night  as  he  sat  there,  with  his  legs  crossed,  en- 
joying himself,  a  ghost  appeared  by  his  side.  He  did 
not  wait  to  argue,  but  dropped  his  pipe,  jumped  the 
fence  and  broke  across  a  field  for  dear  life.  He  ran 
until  he  was  almost  exhausted,  and  then  he  sat  on  a 
stump,  panting  like  a  foxhound.  He  was  not  swift 
enough  to  get  away  from  that  ghost,  however.  It  was 
at  his  side  in  an  instant  and  said  to  the  man  from  Texas : 

"Well,  we  had  quite  a  chase." 

The  stranger  jumped  uo  with  a  wild  look  in  his 
eyes  and  said  to  the  ghost : 

"Yes !  and  by  gosh  we  will  have  another  chase  right 
now." 

The  last  heard  of  the  Texan  was  at  the  crossing  of 
the  Arkansaw  river  and  he  was  then  on  the  move. 

I  was  once  billed  to  lecture  in  a  town  out  west.  The 
manager  of  the  opera  house  had  written  me  that  every 
seat  was  sold  for  the  occasion.  When  the  train  pulled 
into  the  depot  I  noticed  that,  the  people  were  wild  with 
excitement.  Those  who  were  not  running  with  buckets 
of  water  were  crying  "Fire !"  at  the  top  of  their  voices. 
As  soon  as  I  could  collect  my  thoughts  I  asked  the  sta- 
tion agent  what  building  was  burning.  He  said  it  was 
the  opera  house. 


843 


244  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

Thursday  is  my  unlucky  day.  For  all  the  good  I 
can  do  on  that  day  I  had  just  as  well  stay  in  bed. 

An  owl  came  to  my  window  one  night  and  hooted 
three  times.  After  that  I  had  the  typhoid  fever  for 
three  months. 

It  is  a  strange  thing  to  me  that  I  am  alive.  I  guess 
the  only  reason  I  am  permitted  to  live  is  to  teach  hoo- 
dooism  to  others. 

If  Willis  is  a  hoodoo  he  will  remain  one  as  long  as 
he  lives  and  I  am  truly  sorry  for  him. 
■     I  will  conclude  by  asking  you  to  accept  all  the  wishes 
that  go  with  a  wedding.     Please  enclose  postage  stamps 
with  all  communications  hereafter. 

Yours  truly,         Press. 


GONE  UNDER  A  CLOUD. 


VERY  time  I  daguerreotype  the  life 
of  Willie  Castor  I  can  not  help 
feeling  sorry  for  him.  I  am  glad 
that  I  was  born  with  a  sympathetic 
nature  so  that  my  heart  can  go  out 
to  those  who  are  unfortunate. 

We.    are    sometimes    made    un- 
happy by  having  too  much  money ; 
again  unhappiness  may  come  to  us 
through  the  transom  of  misfortune. 
In  the  dark  hours  of  the  night 
we  are  sometimes  awakened  by  the 
snarling  of  wolves  at  our  doors. 
We  clamor  to  get  into  society  and   we  clamor  to 
get  out. 

The  pursuit  of  happiness  is  a  game  of  chasing  forever 
and  a  day. 

Willie  Castor  has  tired  himself  out  chasing  celebri- 
ties, titles,  society  and  happiness.  Through  not  knowing 
how  to  go  at  it  he  has  fallen  all  over  himself  and  is 
now  forced  to  hide  under  a  cloud. 

Willie  differs  materially  from  his  grandpa.  Away 
back  in  the  smoky  past  Grandpa  Castor  lived  on  the  banks 
of  the  Rhine  in  a  little  village  not  far  from  Heidelberg. 
At  the  age  of  three  he  had  a  presentiment  that  some 
day  he  would  have  money  to  throw  at  the  ravens. 

246 


A    BUNDLE    OF  SUNSHINE.  247 

One  day  he  shook  his  feet  and  a  pair  of  wooden 
shoes  hit  the  floor.  He  was  preparing  to  leave  home. 
He  surrounded  his  feet  with  leather,  said  good-bye  to 
the  old  folks  and  left  for  London.  He  remained  in 
that  city  until  the  close  of  the  American  Revolution.  In 
the  autumn  of  1783  he  boarded  a  ship  bound  for  Amer- 
ica. The  first  thing  he  did  after  landing  was  to  learn 
to  skin  coons.  In  a  short  time  he  was  considered  the 
champion  coon-skinner  of  the  country.  He  could  catch 
more  rabbits,  mink,  beaver,  wild-cats  and  coons  than 
any  hunter  of  his  time.  This  was  the  kind  of  society 
and  happiness  he  was  looking  for  and  he  found  it. 

Now  I  do  not  believe  that  Willie  Castor  would  give 
two  cents  for  all  the  coon  skins  in  the  country.  He 
did  not  feel  at  home  in  the  woods  with  a  lot  of  var- 
mints. Although  he  did  not  care  for  the  hide  business, 
he  was  ambitious  nevertheless.  At  the  age  of  thirty  he 
^ot  a  notion  into  his  head  that  his  prominence  was  run- 
ning down  at  the  heel,  so  one  day  in  an  unguarded 
moment  he  pulled  out  his  check  book  and  bought  himself 
a  seat  in  the  state  senate. 

He  did  not  care  for  expenses  while  he  was  in  politics. 
He  could  take  a  $30  bill  and  make  it  look  like  thirty 
cents  in  thirty  minutes.  Everybody  had  a  drink  with 
him  while  he  was  in  the  legislature,  but  the  ventilation 
was  bad  there  and  he  soon  got  out.  He  had  a  great 
many  friends  in  New  York  at  the  time  and  they  lasted 
as  long  as  Willie  was  free  with  his  money.  These  friends 
were  ward  barnacles  and  political  bunions. 

Later  on  W^illie  thought  he  would  like  to  have  a 
seat  in  Congress,  but  he  foolishly  left  his  check  book  at 
home  and  someone  else  got  it.  He  was  not  to  be  outdone, 
however.  He  got  on  his  ear  one  day  and  bought  the 
post  of  minister  to  Italy. 


248  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

He  held  that  job  down  until  a  new  president  was 
elected.  Then  he  received  a  note  saying  that  on  account 
of  extenuating  circumstances  his  pay  would  stop,  so 
Willie  returned  to  New  York. 

He  did  not  like  the  freedom  of  the  press,  neither  did 
he  like  to  have  people  poke  fun  at  him  just  because  he 
had  money,  so  he  packed  his  trunk  about  ten  years  ago 
and  moved  to  London  where  he  can  have  people  arrested 
for  previousness  and  thereby  gratify  a  three-ply  yearning. 

I  am  sorry  he  has  had  so  many  misunderstandings 
that  could  have  been  avoided.  I  am  afraid  his  goose  is 
cooked  and  his  society  sun  has  winked  out.  He  should 
be  possessed  of  some  of  his  grandpa's  coon-skin  etiquette. 
He  has  certainly  had  a  struggle  to  get  in  with  the  high 
muck-a-mucks  of  London. 

Some  time  ago  the  Duchess  of  Boomski  gave  a  candy 
pulling  in  honor  of  the  Prince  of  Whalze.  The  list  of 
guests  was  handed  over  to  the  Prince  for  inspection  and 
the  first  thing  he  did  was  to  give  Willie  Castor  the  blue 
pencil.     When  Willie  heard  about  this  it  cut  him  dead. 

Willie  made  a  great  mistake,  too,  when  he  wrote  up 
his  biography  in  a  London  magazine  in  which  he  claimed 
kin  with  Count  Petro  d'Castorgo  of  Castule.  There  is 
not  a  genealogist  in  the  country  who  can  not  prove  that 
this  Spaniard  in  question  never  allowed  either  kraut  or 
Wienerwurst  on  his  table.  This  is  conclusive  evidence 
that  Willie  is  wrong,  so  the  compilation  of  his  genealogy 
was  time  lost.  It  were  just  as  well  he  had  been  home 
that  evening  splitting  kindling  wood  for  morning. 

When  he  invited  the  Prince  of  Whalze  to  take  a 
'possum  dinner  at  his  house  he  got  his  etiquette  twisted 
and  forgot  to  ask  the  Prince  how  he  would  like  to  be 
entertained,  but  told  him  that  he  would  take  him  out 
black-berrying  or  else  row  him  up  the  Thames  in  his 


A   BUNDLE    OF  SUNSHINE.  249 

new  canoe.  The  Prince  had  been  in  the  habit  of  nam- 
ing his  own  pleasure,  so  he  hinted  to  Wilhe  that  he 
would  like  a  buggy  ride.  Willie  tried  to  look  as  wise 
as  a  forest  full  of  owls  and  he  got  as  busy  as  a  boy  kill- 
ing snakes  hitching  up  his  old  gray  mare  to  the  buggy. 

When  Willie  told  Capt.  Sir  Artie  Millet  that  he  was 
not  wanted  at  his  house  it  was  the  straw  that  broke  the 
backs  of  a  whole  herd  of  camels.  Then  to  make  mat- 
ters worse  he  had  the  fact  printed  in  the  Morning  Blis- 
ter, so  the  whole  town  would  know  that  he  had  given  the 
captain  the  icy  face.  The  captain  felt  hurt  about  the 
way  Willie  acted  and  I  can  not  blame  him, 

I  once  read  in  a  story  paper  where  a  boy's  ma  used 
to  give  him  five  cents  every  time  he  would  take  a  dose 
of  cod-liver  oil.  When  he  had  saved  up  a  dollar  she 
would  seize  it  and  buy  him  another  bottle.  Now  Willie 
would  do  well  to  save  up  a  dollar  and  buy  a  book  on 
royal  etiquette. 

The  society  of  London  is  very  different  from  that  of 
my  section  of  Arkansaw.  If  Willie  and  the  captain 
were  living  down  there  they  would  have  to  settle  their 
little  difficulties  with  shotguns  at  ten  paces.  I  under- 
stand Willie  does  not  like  the  captain  for  the  reason 
that  when  he  met  Willie's  daughter  he  offered  to  hold 
her  hand.  To  hold  a  girl's  hand  in  Arkansaw  is  not 
considered  any  worse  than  eating  pie  with  a  spoon. 

W^illie  made  another  move  that  did  not  prove  a  suc- 
cess. He  sent  a  report  to  America  that  he  was  dead 
just  to  see  what  the  people  on  this  side  would  say.  Some 
few  believed  it,  but  a  majority  of  the  people  allowed  the 
report  was  overdrawn.  Now  if  he  should  have  died 
accidentally  before  the  report  reached  this  country,  he 
would  have  felt  foolish. 


250  A    BUNDLE   OF  SUNSHINE. 

When  he  declared  that  America  was  no  place  for  a 
gentleman  to  live  I  thought  perhaps  he  was  joking,  but 
I  now  understand  that  he  did  not  make  that  remark,  and 
he  was  not  drinking  at  the  time,  either.  Now  that  the 
Prince  of  Whalze  has  cut  him  out  of  royal  society  he 
will  say  the  same  thing  about  London.  This  is  the  rea- 
son I  am  sorry  for  him,  because  he  has  unfortunately  cut 
himself  out  of  society  on  both  sides  of  the  Atlantic.  I 
do  not  know  what  will  become  of  him  now,  unless  he 
goes  to  South  Africa  and  mixes  up  with  Boer  society. 
This  is  their  busy  season  though,  and  they  probably 
have  little  or  no  time  for  society.  If  I  thought  I  was 
doing  the  square  thing  by  him  I  would  suggest  that  he 
go  to  China  and  get  in  with  the  Boxers.  They  are  said 
to  be  the  largest  society  in  the  world. 

I  do  not  think  he  will  ever  return  to  America,  as 
he  placed  himself  in  a  bad  light  here  for  leaving  this 
country  without  working  out  his  poll  tax.  He  should 
have  known  at  the  time  that  he  would  get  himself  talked 
about.  So  all  I  can  say  for  3^ou,  Willie,  is  this :  When 
you  have  worried  yourself  half  sick;  when  all  the  world 
looks  gloomy ;  when  December  is  as  pleasant  as  ]\Iay ; 
when  the  flute  or  guitar  are  no  longer  strains  of  joy 
for  your  soul  and  when  flowers  look  like  thorns,  then 
you  just  count  a  hundred  and  you  will  go  to  sleep. 


SIGNS  OF  THE  MOON. 


HILE  in  Arkansaw  I  heard  many 
farmers  discussing  the  signs  of  the 
moon.  This  lead  me  to  pry  into 
the  business,  so  that  I  might  be  able 
to  talk  knowingly  on  the  subject. 
I  have  left  no  stone  unturned  in  this 
study  and  I  find  that  it  is  wise  to 
be  posted  on  the  moon's  action. 

I  also  find  by  mathematical  sci- 
ence that  the  moon  is  a  $i  proposi- 
tion. The  first  quarter  I  figure  at 
25  cents ;  the  last  quarter  at  the  same  price ;  and  the  half 
at  50  cents.     This  would  make  a  full  moon  $1. 

Some  maniac  gave  the  moon  the  wrong  gender.  She 
is  a  spasmodic  drunkard,  getting  full  as  a  goat  ever  so 
often.  This  in  my  mind  is  entirely  out  of  place,  as  the 
fullness  of  the  masculine  gender  does  not  look  so  dis- 
graceful. 

When  potatoes  are  planted  m  the  dark  of  the  moon 
a  large  crop  will  be  the  result,  providing  there  is  a  short- 
age of  potato-bugs  and  grasshoppers.  The  ground  must 
be  well  ploughed  and  the  w-eeds  kept  down.  Then  if 
there  is  no  drouth  a  large  crop  may  be  expected. 

An  old  lady  told  me  that  she  would  not  think  of 
making  soft  soap  in  the  dark  of  the  moon,  as  it  would 
be  sure  to  boil  over.     I  have  never  tried  it,  but  I  have 


251 


A    BUNDLE    OF   SUNSHINE.  253 

thought  if  the  fire  was  hot  enough  that  soap  would  boil 
over  in  the  light  of  the  moon  or  even  by  candle  light. 

My  mother  told  me  when  I  was  a  boy  that  all  chil- 
dren born  in  the  dark  of  the  moon  would  turn  out  to 
be  trifling,  and  would  fall  into  the  habit  of  avoiding 
the  truth.  At  that  time  I  was  old  enough  to  worry  and 
when  she  told  me  this  worry  set  in  on  me  like  a  San 
Francisco  fog.  I  was  anxious  to  know  the  condition 
of  the  moon  the  night  I  was  born.  I  disliked  to  ask 
her  as  I  was  afraid  she  would  say  that  I  was  born  in 
the  dark  of  the  moon.  Several  weeks  passed  and  my 
worry  stuck  to  me  like  a  wart  on  a  spotted  calf.  One 
day  when  I  thought  she  had  forgotten  what  she  had 
told  me  I  asked  her  if  the  moon  was  light  on  the  night 
I  was  born.  She  replied  that  only  the  stars  were  shin- 
ing. That  eased  up  my  worry  some,  as  I  knew  I  would 
some  day  be  a  star,  even  though  a  trifling  one.  All 
this  came  back  to  me  a  short  time  ago  when  I  was  asked 
to  assist  in  an  entertainment.  The  manager  wanted  to 
know  how  much  time  I  would  occupy.  I  told  him  any- 
where from  ten  minutes  to  four  days.  He  looked  at 
me  in  a  kind  of  a  dazed  way  and  said : 

"Let's  see,  I  beg  your  pardon,  but  what  is  your  name 
again?" 

I  pointed  it  out  to  him  on  the  programme  and  then 
he  said : 

"Oh,  yes,  yes,  I  have  heard  of  you.  You  will  please 
not  talk  over  ten  minutes." 

I  knew  a  man  who  was  born  in  the  light  of  the  moon 
and  he  was  far  from  being  trifling.  He  was  extremely 
careless,  however,  and  had  a  habit  of  pointing  his  pistol 
in  a  playful  way.  It  went  of¥  at  times  and  in  so  doing 
he  kept  killing  people  until  the  number  reached  seven. 
The  community  thought  there  should  be  a  stop  to  such 


A   BUNDLE   Of  SUNSHINE.  255 

carelessness,  so  one  nigiit  when  the  moon  was  sinking 
behind  a  papaw  grove,  he  was  hanged  to  the  limb  of 
a  water  elm  tree.  The  coroner's  jury  decided  that  he 
came  to  his  death  from  the  lack  of  air,  or  that  he  hung 
on  to  the  rope  too  long. 

When  a  boy  born  in  the  light  of  the  moon  turns  out 
like  that  man  I  am  glad  my  mother  told  me  that  dark- 
of-the-moon  children  are  trifling.  I  would  rather  be  tri- 
fling than  live  in  a  country  where  the  air  is  not  in  breath- 
ing order. 

I  believe  in  doing  everything  in  the  dark  of  the  moon. 
I  think  it  brings  greater  success. 

I  remember  once  when  I  was  too  young  to  strike  drills 
or  dig  ditches  I  climbed  to  the  top  of  a  neighbor's  rail 
fence  to  enjoy  the  moonlight.  By  some  accident  my  foot 
slipped  and  I  fell  into  a  watermelon  patch.  It  occurred 
to  me  that  I  was  not  in  a  rush  and  as  time  was  hanging 
heavy  on  my  hands  I  might  as  well  sample  a  melon.  My 
neighbor  saw  by  the  light  of  the  moon  wliat  I  was  doing 
and  invited  his  bulldog  to  take  charge  of  me.  Years 
after  that  father  told  about  driving  an  iron  w'edge  and 
a  couple  of  gluts  into  the  dog's  mouth  in  order  to  re- 
lease the  basement  of  my  pants. 

Some  people  born  in  the  light  of  the  moon  are  very 
unfortunate.  I  know  a  woman  sixty-one  years  old  who 
had  never  seen  a  train  of  cars.  She  was  determined  to 
ride  on  one  before  she  died.  She  left  home  in  Arkansaw 
one  night  to  visit  her  daughter  up  north.  Unfortunately 
the  train  on  w-hich  she  took  passage  w^as  wrecked  and 
a  number  of  persons  were  killed  and  injured.  A  work- 
ing crew^  was  soon  at  the  scene  digging  out  the  dead  and 
rescuing  the  dying.  The  night  w^as  black,  starless  and 
wild.  The  crew  worked  like  mad  men.  Every  one  who 
was  able  to  move  a  hand  gave  licroic  aid. 


A    BUNDLE    OF  SUNSHJNJS.  257 

Wlien  the  work  of  rescuing  the  dead  and  wounded 
was  ahiiost  completed  one  of  the  wreckers  discovered  the 
old  lady  from  Arkansaw  wedged  in  between  two  wheels. 
In  an  excited  voice  he  said  to  her: 

"Are  you  hurt?" 

''No,  sir,"  she  replied,  "I  am  not  hurt.  Why  do  you 
ask?" 

''Why  do  I  ask  ?  Great  heavens,  woman !  don't  you 
know  that  half  the  people  who  were  on  the  train  are 
dead?" 

"Dead!     Why,  what  killed  them?" 

"Why  the  wreck,  of  course." 

"What  wreck  do  you  mean?" 

"Say.  for  God's  sake,  have  you  been  asleep  and  just 
now  woke  up?  There  has  been  a  horrible  wreck.  Don't 
you  hear  all  these  men,  women  and  children  weeping?" 

"No,  I  have  not  been  asleep  at  all ;  have  been  awake 
all  the  way,  but  this  is  the  first  time  I  ever  traveled  on 
the  cars  and  I  did  not  know  this  w-as  what  you  called  a 
wreck.  I  thought  it  was  the  way  the  train  always 
stopped." 

The  moon  has  everything  to  do  with  vines  that  twine. 
All  vines  of  this  class  turn  to  the  right.  The  fact  is, 
all  nuts  on  bolts  in  wagons  turn  to  the  right.  Every- 
thing turns  to  the  right,  except  the  handle  of  a  feather 
duster.  That  turns  to  the  left.  The  poison  oak  vine 
does  not  twine,  but  when  a  boy  is  affected  with  this  poi- 
son, he  is  sure  to  scratch  with  the  right  hand,  even  though 
he  may  be  left-handed. 

If  the  wind  blows  from  the  west  to-day  it  will  surely 
blow  from  the  north  the  next  time,  then  from  the  east, 
then  from  the  south,  and  so  on.  It  always  keeps  turning 
to  the  right.     This  rule  works  all  over  the  world  except 


26o  A  BUNDLE  OF  SUX SHINE. 

in  Chicago.     I  have  known  the  wind  there  to  blow  from 
five  different  directions  at  the  same  time. 

A  woman  born  in  the  Hght  of  the  moon  should  be 
careful  about  committing  marriage  with  a  widower.  A 
widower  is  a  very  peculiar  man  and  is  at  any  time  liable 
to  refer  to  the  good  qualities  of  his  first  wife.  This  is 
very  painful  to  a  second  wife. 

I  heard  a  preacher  say  to  his  flock : 

"If  there  is  a  man  or  woman  in  this  congregation 
who  knows  of  a  perfect  person  on  this  earth  I  would 
be  pleased  to  have  them  stand  up."  A  lady  seated  pretty 
well  back  arose  to  her  feet. 

"I  notice  but  one  person  standing,"  said  the  divine. 
"My  good  sister,  do  you  know  of  a  perfect  person  on 
this  earth?" 

"I  knew  of  one,  the  only  one  I  ever  heard  of,"  said 
the  good  sister. 

"May  I  ask  the  name  of  that  person?"  inquired  the 
minister. 

"She  h  dead  now.     She  was  my  husband's  first  wife." 
Dark-of-the-moon  children'  should   never  be  baptized 
and  vaccinated  at  the  same  time.     I  tried  it  myself  and 
the  baptism  did  not  take. 

If  a  young  man  is  engaged  to  be  married  and  the 
girl's  pa  is  opposed  to  the  match  the  dark  of  the  moon 
is  the  time  to  marry,  although  an  elopement  may  be 
necessary.  An  acquaintance  of  mine  in  southern  Indi- 
ana tried  the  eloping  business  in  the  light  of  the  moon. 
The  girl's  pa  could  see  how  to  follow,  and  the  result 
was  it  took  a  physician  four  days  to  pick  the  birdshot 
out  of  that  young  man's  system. 

I  once  made  up  my  mind  to  go  into  the  Boston  moun- 
tains in  Arkansaw  and  take  a  photograph  of  a  moon- 
shine distillery.     I  took  with  me  a  team  of  horses,  a 


262  A    BUNDLE   OF   SIXSHIXE. 

buggy  and  a  driver  named  Eb.  If  he  had  another  name 
I  never  found  it  out.  He  was  a  good,  faithful,  steady 
man,  but  the  biggest  coward  in  the  state. 

We  started  on  our  journey  in  the  hght  of  the  moon. 
My  friends  advised  me  not  to  make  the  trip,  as  more 
than  a  dozen  United  States  revenue  officers  had  gone 
before  me  in  other  days  and  failed  to  return.  When 
within  two  miles  of  the  distillery  we  stopped  on  the 
bank  of  a  stream  under  the  pretense  that  we  were  fish- 
ing. 

It  was  not  long  until  I  discovered  a  man  on  the  oppo- 
site bank,  who  stood  about  six  feet  and  nine  inches 
high.  He  was  about  as  slim  as  the  countr}'-  ever  pro- 
duced. He  had  on  his  shoulder  a  squirrel  rifle,  which 
looked  to  be  as  long  as  a  fence  rail.  Eb  said  to  me  in 
a  low  voice: 

"I'll  bet  dollars  to  coonskins  that  that  feller  is  a 
moonshiner,  and,  if  he  should  mistake  us  for  'revenuers,' 
I  wouldn't  give  a  gourd  seed  for  our  lives." 

Eb  was  correct,  as  just  then  the  long  man  across 
the  stream  yelled  at  us  in  a  voice  we  could  not  fail  to 
understand : 

"Say,  strangers !  don't  yo'  reckon  thet  you're  fishin'  jist 
er  leetle  too  high  up  th'  kreek?" 

"Why,  I  don't  know,  don't  the  fish  bite  here?"  I 
replied. 

"Wall,  I've  hearn  tell  thet  they  didn't.  'Sides  thet. 
hit's  er  powerful  unhealthy  place  fur  strangers.  I've 
knowed  fellers  ter  come  up  hyar,  an'  git  what  they  call 
bullet-patchin'  fever;  an'  hit  takes  'em  away  monstrous 
fast.  Ef  I  wuz  in  you'ns  place  I'd  jist  fish  erbout  twenty 
miles  furder  down  th'  kreek.  'Course  I  haint  no  'thority 
on  fishin',  but  I  know  somethin'  erbout  er  feller's  health." 


264  A   BUNDLE   OF  SUNSHINE. 

I  thanked  him  for  his  advice  and  then  we  moved.  I 
have  moved  on  other  occasions  in  a  hurry ;  but  I  can  not 
recall  the  day  when  I  made  such  good  time  as  in  getting 
away  from  that  moonshiner.  Eb  had  been  bragging 
about  how  fast  he  could  run  the  day  before,  but  I  did 
not  imagine  he  was  such  a  sincere  mover;  I  have  seen 
grayhounds  in  California  do  some  pretty  good  running 
after  jack  rabbits,  but  they  were  slow  compared  with 
my  rapid  transit.  Eb  could  only  keep  in  sight  of  me 
part  of  the  time ;  but  as  he  said  he  knew  the  road  I  felt 
sure  he  would  not  get  lost. 

A  moonshiner  is  not  what  one  would  call  a  Chester- 
field. He  does  not  care  for  an  introduction.  If  a  man 
is  introduced  by  accident  as  we  were,  all  that  it  is  neces- 
sary for  one  to  say  is,  "I  am  glad  to  meet  you,"  then 
turn  and  break  for  home.  This  kind  of  moonshine  eti- 
quette seems  to  take  the  best,  and  is  considered  in  good 
taste  by  all  concerned. 

It  has  so  happened  that  all  my  troubles  have  taken 
place  in  the  light  of  the  moon.  At  the  age  of  ten  a  neigh- 
bor gave  me  a  pair  of  pants ;  although  he  had  worn  them 
a  year  or  so  before  I  got  them,  I  thanked  him  kindly. 
He  weighed  about  240  pounds,  while  I  tipped  the  scales 
at  116.  They  were  very  large  pants  for  a  boy  of  my 
size,  but  I  did  not  mind  that,  as  it  did  not  take  me  long 
to  cut  the  legs  down.  I  would  have  also  taken  a  reef 
or  two  in  other  sections  of  the  garment  had  I  known 
how. 

The  first  time  I  wore  them  I  found  they  were  roomy 
enough  to  conceal  a  large-sized  valise. 

One  night  I  went  out  'possum  hunting  against  pa's  or- 
ders. When  I  returned  he  informed  me  he  would  settle 
with  me  next  morning  for  not  obeying  him.  Know- 
ing full  well  what  a  good  memory  he  had,  I  prepared 


266  A    BUNDLE    OF   SUNSHINE. 

for  the  settlement.  I  took  down  that  pair  of  adult  pants 
and  fixed  them  so  the  settlement  would  not  sting.  I 
got  hold  of  four  grain  sacks,  sewed  them  together  in 
the  shape  of  a  pillow,  and  then  put  it  into  the  interior 
of  the  pants. 

Morning  came  and  pa  w^as  on  hand.  He  always  used 
a  large-sized  hickory  switch,  and  he  was  a  very  earnest 
man.  When  he  started  in  on  the  settlement  I  cried  out 
with  a  loud  voice,  although  I  was  suffering  no  pain. 
Every  stroke  sounded  like  a  hired  man  beating  a  carpet 
during  house-cleaning  time.  Unfortunately  for  me  pa 
discovered  the  patent  attachment  and  invited  me  to  take 
it  ofif.  I  obeyed  and  got  as  fine  a  taste  of  real  old  hick- 
ory as  anyone  ever  experienced. 

This  happened  in  the  light  of  the  moon. 


MY  THIRD  RBADBR. 


N  LOOKING  over  my  old  third  reader  I 
find  some  short  stories  which  are  almost 
classical.  Unless  they  are  revised,  how- 
ever, I  do  not  believe  the  up-to-date 
school-boy  would  enjoy  them.  The  first 
story  is  about 

THE  CONTENTED  MAN. 
Once  upon  a  time  a  poor  hired  man 
named  Bob  was  going  home  after  a  hard 
day's  work  with  a  basket  on  his  arm. 
"What  a  fine  layout  I  shall  have 
when  I  reach  home,"  said  Bob  with  an 
upward  inflection.  "This  piece  of  bay 
steer  is  well  stewed,  the  garlic  is  nicely  sliced,  and  the 
broth  is  well  thickened  with  corn  meal,  so  I  have  but 
to  add  a  few  dashes  of  red  pepper  and  salt  to  make  it 
good  enough  for  a  town  marshal,  and  I  have  a  dodger 
of  hoecake  at  home,  which  will  make  a  fine  accompani- 
ment to  all  this.  How  I  long  to  get  my  feet  under  the 
table  and  get  at  that  feed." 

At  this  juncture  he  heard  a  racket  at  the  roadside. 
Looking  up  he  saw  a  red  calf  run  up  a  tree  and  crawl 
into  a  hole. 

"Ha,  ha,"  said  Bob,  "what  a  fine  present  a  nest  of 
young  calves  would  be  for  my  sick  neighbor  who  is  down 
in  bed  with  a  pair  of  chilblains.     I  will  make  a  sneak 

267 


A   BUNDLE   01'   SUNSHINE.  269 

up  lliat  tree  and  see  if  I  can  twist  out  a  mess  of  these 
sly  animals."  So  he  dropped  his  basket  and  climbed  up 
the  tree.  When  about  halfway  up,  with  his  fingers  and 
toes  sticking  into  the  bark,  he  looked  around  and  what 
did  he  see?  An  adult  horse  with  his  nose  in  the  basket, 
trying  to  get  the  piece  of  steer.  Bob  did  not  take  time 
to  come  down  the  tree  in  a  dignified  manner,  but  simply 
let  go  and  fell.  He  did  not  want  to  lose  time.  The 
horse,  however,  was  too  swift  for  him,  and  he  ran  oft  with 
part  of  the  contents  of  the  basket. 

"Well,  well,  well,"  said  Bob,  "wouldn't  that  frost 
you?  Now  I  must  be  contented  with  plain,  common, 
every-day  soup.     That,  however,  is  not  bad  to  take." 

Bob  walked  up  the  road  until  he  came  to  a  tavern, 
where  he  saw  a  chum  loafing  on  the  front  porch.  Bob 
put  his  basket  down  and  took  a  seat  by  his  side.  A  pet 
mule  which  had  been  raised  in  the  tavern  came  up  slyly 
behind  him  and  taking  the  bag  of  meal  ran  away  with 
it  to  the  shade  of  an  old  oak  tree  where  it  devoured  it. 
Bob  did  not  know  that  he  had  been  touched  until  he  had 
gone  some  distance  on  his  way.  He  returned  to  the 
tavern,  but  too  late,  as  the  pet  mule  had  gotten  in  its 
w^ork. 

"Well!"  said  Bob;  "if  these  animals  keep  this  up 
they  will  put  me  on  the  bum.  The  way  things  look  now 
I  cannot  see  anything  but  thin  soup.  Oh,  well,  I  will 
boil  a  slice  of  bread  with  it  and  that  will  help  some, 
anyway." 

He  journeyed  on  until  he  came  to  a  babbling  brook 
spanned  by  a  foot-log.  A  girl  with  a  fine  supply  of 
pimples  was  crossing  the  log  from  the  other  side.  Bob, 
like  a  foolish  man  kept  going  and  they  met  about  half 
way  and  tried  to  pass.  He  wanted  to  be  polite  and 
give  the  poor  girl  the  best  of  it.     She  in  turn  made 


T*  I       ^    r' 

I'  If  Si 


*^-  ..-.. 


*i-.-v 


■SEE     'IM     OUT     ON    YON     I.IMB.     KR     SRTTIN"     THAR     EZ     SASSY     F7 
ER    CROW    IN    WATERMILLION     TIME?" 


A    BUNDLE   OF  SUNSHINE.  271 

goo-goo  eyes  at  him  and  he  lost  his  head.  He  leaned  over 
on  the  air  too  far,  and  when  he  struck  the  stream  he  went 
down  about  forty  feet.  Fortunately  he  came  up  head 
first  and  therefore  rescued  himself  from  a  watery  grave. 
When  he  had  coughed  up  a  gallon  or  so  of  water  he 
grabbed  his  basket  and  swam  ashore.  He  then  discov- 
ered that  the  salt  had  melted  and  the  pepper  had  floated 
away.  All  he  had  left  now  was  his  garlic.  When  Bob 
got  his  wind  he  said : 

"Well!  well!  wouldn't  that  make  you  sick?  All  I 
have  to  chew  on  tonight  is  bread  and  garlic.  Last  night 
I  hadn't  anything  but  bread.  To-morrow  night,  if  I  don't 
get  something  more  to  eat  I  will  have  a  fit."  And  he 
went  on  his  way  singing  as  before. 
The  next  story  of  importance  is  about 

THE  HONEST  MAN. 

A  granger  one  day  called  upon  a  neighbor  who  had 
money  in  the  bank  and  who  was  also  very  fond  of  hunt- 
ing. The  granger  complained  that  his  wheat  had  been 
so  mashed  down  and  cut  up  by  his  neighbor's  dogs  that 
he  believed  that  in  some  parts  of  his  upper  forty  there 
would  not  be  more  than  half  a  crop,  and  that  he  was 
there  for  the  purpose  of  making  a  kick  about  it. 

"Well,  my  granger  friend,"  said  the  man  with  the 
money,  "if  you  will  give  me  an  adequate  conception  of 
the  damage  my  dogs  have  done  to  your  wheat  I  will  be 
glad  to  'come  to  the  front'  with  the  stufT." 

"With  the  help  of  a  friend  of  mine,"  said  the  granger, 
"I  have  made  an  estimate,  and  I  think  an  hundred 
plunks  will  make  me  easy.  Now  if  you  can  jolly  your- 
self a  little  and  give  me  a  check  for  an  hundred  I'll  be 
much  obliged  to  you." 


A    BUNDLE   OP  SUNSHINE.  273 

The  hunter  gave  him  a  check  for  the  amount  and  the 
granger  went  direct  to  the  village  and  got  it  cashed. 

When  the  time  for  harvesting  came  the  granger  found 
that  the  crop  on  the  upper  forty  was  by  far  the  best  on 
the  place.  After  the  harvest  he  got  a  kink  in  his  con- 
science, so  he  went  back  to  the  hunter  and  apologetically 
said :  x       &  ^ 

I'Do  you  recollect  about  that  hundred  you  paid  me  ?" 
"Oh,  yes;  I  remember  it  quite  well;  what  about  it?" 
"Well,  I  will  tell  you.  I  find  after  threshing  the  part 
of  the  field  your  dogs  mashed  down  the  wheat  turned 
out  great.  Actually  it  ran  fifty  bushels  to  the  acre  and 
beats  anything  I  ever  saw.  Now  I  want  to  return  that 
hundred  dollars  and  add  five  hundred  dollars  to  it  just 
to  show  you  that  I  am  a  good  fellow." 

When  the  granger  had  finished  the  hunter  dropped 
dead. 


SPELLBINDING. 


OMETIMES  I  feel  I  want  to  un- 
buckle the  throat-latch  of  my  imag- 
ination and  lengthen  the  trace- 
chains,  so  I  can  have  elbow  room 
and  tell  a  story  that  really  hap- 
pened. 

When  I  was  a  shoeless  boy  my 

father  told  me  he  could  see,  by  the 

way  I  worked,  that  I  would  some 

day  be  a  political  speaker,  and  that 

thousands   of   people   would   listen 

to  my  voice.     I  may  say  that  the 

prophecy  came  true.     Thousands  of  people  have  come 

to  hear  me  talk,  but  they  never  remained  until  I  had 

finished. 

During  last  September  I  was  invited  to  take  the 
stump  for  the  Republican  party  in  the  presidential  cam- 
paign. Of  course  I  might  have  taken  the  stump  for  the 
Democratic  party,  as  I  am  a  duplex  speaker,  I  can  make 
the  same  speech  go  both  ways,  by  scratching  out  a  few 
indefinite  articles  and  perhaps  throwing  in  a  few  adjec- 
tives here  and  there.  I  have  no  defined  policy  during 
a  presidential  campaign  until  I  receive  my  mail. 

The  chairman  of  the  bureau  of  speakers  at  the  Repub- 
lican national  headquarters  in  Chicago,  invited  me  into 
his  office  for  the  purpose  of  testing  me  on  political 

274 


276  A    BUNDLE    OF   SfXSHIXE. 

science,  and  to  sound  me  on  my  qualifications  as  a  spell- 
binder.    The  following  conversation  took  place : 

"What  did  I  understand  you  to  say  your  full  name 
was?" 

"My  full  name  is  Honorable  Press  Woodruff." 

"May  I  ask  where  you  secured  tlie  appellation  of 
Honorable?" 

"Oh,  I  simply  took  that  title,  like  all  spellbinders  take 
it,  because  there  is  no  tax  or  restriction  on  such  a  handle." 

"Where  did  you  say  you  hailed  from?" 

"I  hailed  from  Peaceful  Valley,  in  the  northwestern 
corner  of  Arkansaw,  Washington  county,  forty  miles 
from  the  Missouri  line  on  the  main  traveled  road  to 
Pigram's  mill  near  Nubbin  Ridge  in  Turkey  Hollow  pre- 
cinct four  miles  from  Mount  Zion  schoolhouse." 

"How  is  it  that  you  are  a  Republican  ?  Arkansaw  is 
almost  entirely  Democratic." 

"Well,  you  see,  I  flopped  yesterday." 

"What  did  you  follow  in  Arkansaw?" 

"I  followed  a  plough  most  of  the  time." 

"I  mean,  what  was  your  calling?" 

"Calling  razor  backs." 

"I  guess  you  do  not  quite  understand  me.  I  mean 
what  was  your  profession." 

"Catching  driftwood  is  about  the  only  business  of 
which  I  have  a  technical  and  theoretical  knowledge." 

"Anything  else?" 

"Yes,  I  have  been  called  a  humorist." 

"Do  you  find  much  fun  in  that  business?" 

"No,  sir,  very  little." 

"Why  not?  A  humorist  should  be  an  embodiment 
of  mirth  and  joy." 

"Far  from  it.  Mr.  Chairman.  A  man  who  adver- 
tises himself  as   a  humorist  had   better  get   funny  the 


A   BUNDLE    or   SUNSHINE.  277 

moment  he  walks  out  on  the  stage  or  some  one  is  Hable 
to  cripple  him  for  life." 

"Besides  being  a  driftwood  catcher  and  a  humorist, 
is  there  any  other  offense?" 

"Yes,  some  others  I  could  tell,  but  I  prefer  to  keep 
them  quiet." 

"Well,  I  guess  you  will  do,  as  you  certainly  have  an 
unreasonable  contempt  for  danger." 

"Yes,  I  dare  say  I  have  that.  I  have  had  everything 
else,  from  a  pink-tinted  boil  to  spavin  in  the  head." 

"You  may  take  the  stump,  as  I  believe  you  have  all 
the  qualifications  of  a  spellbinder;  but  you  must  not 
talk  politics,  as  the  Republican  party  is  in  this  campaign 
to  win,  and  there  must  be  no  mistakes.  I  will  send  you 
along  with  the  Honorable  J.  C.  Kemp,  of  Ohio.  You 
will  be  the  humorist  of  the  combination ;  in  other  words, 
you  will  be  a  comedy  prologue  to  a  serious  drama.  At 
each  meeting  you  will  open  up  with  a  funny  talk  so  as 
to  get  the  audience  in  a  jolly  mood,  then  the  Hon.  Kemp 
will  follow  you  and  discuss  the  issues  of  the  day." 

The  chairman  then  called  into  his  ofilice  an  emaciated 
biped  of  the  genus  homo.  He  was  comely,  but  not 
arrogant;  he  was  psychological,  but  not  assuming.  His 
address  was  indigenous  to  the  soil  of  Ohio.  In  deport- 
ment he  stood  ninety-eight.  In  civil  government  he 
stood  one  hundred  and  one.  At  the  table  he  could  stand 
for  everything  except  cornmeal  mush. 

We  left  Chicago  for  Grand  Forks,  North  Dakota, 
with  instructions  to  work  under  the  auspices  of  the  chair- 
man of  the  state  central  committee.  Hon.  Kemp  is  a 
very  reticent,  conservative,  matter-of-fact  gentleman,  and 
humor  to  him  is  pathetic,  so  he  looked  forward  to  my 
first  appearance  with  sadness.  He  told  me  on  the  quiet 
he  thought  I  ought  to  talk  politics  right  from  the  jump. 


278  A   BUNDLE   OF  SUNSHINE. 

I  told  him  I  would  leave  that  entirely  to  his  wise  judg- 
ment. He  instructed  me  to  go  to  the  town  of  Wahpe- 
ton  on  the  night  of  October  3  and  address  a  big  meeting, 
while  he  would  go  to  Fairmount  and  make  a  speech.  In 
due  time  I  boarded  a  train  for  Wahpeton,  where  the 
eager  voters  were  waiting  for  a  good  thing.  The  con- 
ductor and  brakeman  looked  at  me  suspiciously  as  I 
occupied  two  seats,  but  they  never  suspected  I  w^as  a 
humorist,  I  overheard  the  conductor  say  to  the  brake- 
man:     "That  guy  looks  like  a  spotter." 

As  that  train  rushed  madly  through  the  land  of  wind- 
mills and  blizzards  I  looked  out  of  the  window  across 
the  great  expanse  and  fell  into  a  deep  reverie.  Before 
leaving  Chicago  I  had  promised  the  Venus  of  my  heart, 
the  sunshine  of  my  existence,  and  a  gleam  of  loveliness 
and  joy,  that  I  w'ould  not  discuss  the  political  issues 
from  a  Republican  standpoint.  She  was  born  under  the 
bright  rays  of  a  southern  sun  and  knew  no  political 
creed  except  that  of  Jefferson  Davis.  I  had  given  her 
the  key  to  the  front  door  of  my  heart  and  told  her  that 
the  lock  was  love  and  no  one  could  enter  there.  I  knew 
full  well  what  I  -was  about  to  do — break  my  promise.  I 
tried  to  dismiss  the  thought  from  my  mind,  but  in  vain. 
We  had  named  a  day  when  we  were  to  attend  a  hymeneal 
feast.  What  must  I  do?  Many  times  I  asked  myself 
this  question  as  I  sat  there  'twixt  love  and  duty. 

But  little  did  I  know  of  the  trouble  which  awaited 
me  in  \\^ahpeton.  When  the  train  rolled  into  the  sta- 
tion a  committee  rushed  up  and  asked  me  if  I  was  the 
speaker.  I  replied  that  I  was.  With  all  honors  due  a 
spellbinder  I  w^as  loaded  into  a  carriage  and  driven  away 
to  the  opera  house.  The  band  played  "Stars  and  Stripes 
Forever,"  the  throng  toted  torchlights,  a  thousand  tin 
horns  rang  out  on  the  chilly  night  and  dogs  of  all  breeds 


A   BUNDLE   Of  SUNSHINE.  279 

coughed  up  their  saddest  wails.     In  calling  the  multi- 
tude to  order  the  chairman  said : 

"Ladies  and  Gentlemen.  (Applause.)  I  now  have 
the  very  great  pleasure  of  introducing  to  you  one  of 
the  greatest  political  speakers  that  ever  made  tracks  in 
North  Dakota  mud.  (Sickening  applause.)  He  is  a 
son  of  old  Ireland  and — (deafening  cheers) — every  time 
he  opens  his  mouth  he  says  something.  (Great  applause 
and  cries  of  'louder!')  He  knows  Bobbie  Burns  by 
heart  and  could  recite  Robert  Emmet's  speech  at  the 
early  age  of  four.  He  is  a  man  of  strong  character  and 
a  lover  of  liberty.  (Roar  of  applauses  and  cries  of 
'Down  in  front!')  In  his  address  to-night  I  ask  you  to 
give  him  your  earnest  attention,  as  he  is  able  to  present 
facts  and  statements  over  which  you  can  ponder  deliber- 
ately. If  your  foresight  is  as  good  as  your  retrospection, 
my  friends,  you  will  certainly  know  how  to  vote  on 
the  sixth  of  November.  (Yells  of  'Good  boy!'  from  the 
audience.)  Do  not  allow  your  prejudice  to  run  away 
with  your  judgment,  but  respect  and  value  your  vote  the 
same  as  you  would  one  of  your  family.  An  honest  man 
is  the  grace  of  his  country.  We  want  honest  men  in 
office.  Now,  ladies  and  gentlemen,  I  will  present  to  you 
the  speaker  of  the  evening,  the  Honorable  J.  H.  O'Riley." 

It  was  some  little  time  before  the  applause  died  away. 
The  greeting  was  most  gratifying,  but  I  was  puzzled  as 
I  knew  that  my  name  was  not  O'Riley  and  I  also  knew 
that  I  was  not  Irish.  However,  I  was  filled  up  to  the 
assophagus  with  Republican  doctrine  and  I  sailed  into 
that  audience  like  a  Webster.  I  talked  prosperity  about 
five  minutes  and  I  noticed  the  audience  began  to  look 
w'icked  and  nervous.  I  brought  my  favorite  gesticula- 
tions into  action  and  fired  thirteen-inch  capsules  of  sound 


28o  A    BUNDLE   OF  SUNSHINE. 

money  doctrine  right  and  left.  It  was  not  long  until 
some  one  let  out  a  frightful  yell : 

"Say,  you  big  lobster,  go  crawl  under  the  floor." 

This  was  followed  up  by  a  number  of  cat  calls,  and 
"tell  the  guy  to  sit  down.'"  I  could  not  see  for  the  life 
of  me  what  I  had  said  that  would  offend  any  one,  as  I 
was  doing  my  best.  I  continued  for  a  few  minutes 
longer,  during  which  time  I  spoke  harshly  of  W.  J, 
Bryan's  insincerity.  Then  came  a  cry  from  the  audi- 
ence:    "Throw  the  piano  at  that  big  chromo.'' 

I  saw  in  a  moment  that  that  audience  wanted  some- 
thing else  besides  prosperity  doctrine.  So  I  started  in 
to  give  them  a  dose  of  fiat  money.    In  part  I  said  : 

"Gentlemen,  you  can  not  place  silver  on  a  parity  with 
gold,  no  more  than  you  can  lift  the  latch  of  Eden's  gate, 
or  legislate  that  a  rabbit's  hide  shall  sell  for  the  same 
price  as  a  beaver's  skin." 

Then  a  dozen  voices  all  yelled  at  once :  "Set  the 
dogs  on  'im."  "Put  him  out."  "What's  that  dub's 
name?  I'll  bet  he  is  so  crooked  that  his  blood  won't 
circulate."  "Ah,  go  home  and  throw  mud  at  yourself." 
"Come  off  the  perch;  yo've  got  hornets  in  your  bonnet." 
And  a  hundred  other  jeers  at  the  same  time.  I  saw  that 
consternation  was  inevitable.  By  the  next  ten  seconds 
everything  was  coming  my  way.  The  local  celebrities  all 
left  the  stage  for  safety.  I  stood  there  almost  transfixed. 
I  did  not  know  what  to  do ;  and  there  was  no  use  to  try 
to  say  another  word,  as  no  one  could  hear  me.  While 
the  air  was  full  of  stove  wood,  chair  legs  and  pants  but- 
tons, the  chairman  rushed  up  to  me  and  excitedly  said : 
"Say,  Mr.  Speaker,  ain't  your  name  O'Riley?" 

"No,  sir,"  I  said,  "my  name  is  Woodruff  and  I  was 
sent  here  to  make  a  Republican  speech." 


282  A   BUXDLE   OF  SUNSHINE. 

Then  in  a  fit  of  rage  he  said :  "Well,  by  gosh,  you 
had  better  get  to  the  devil  for  this  is  a  Democratic  meet- 
ing." 

1  did  not  run  or  walk  out  the  back  way,  but  just  fell 
out  as  I  knew  I  would  be  sure  of  making  my  escape. 

I  then  found  my  way  to  the  Republican  meeting 
and  the  committee  had  about  given  up  my  coming.  I 
asked  the  chairman  why  in  the  name  of  common  sense 
he  or  the  reception  committee  did  not  meet  me  at  the 
station. 

"Well,"  he  said,  "I  was  at  the  station  to  meet  you, 
and  I  saw  you  get  off  the  train,  but  as  you  did  not  look 
to  me  like  a  stump  speaker  I  made  up  my  mind  you  was 
either  a  grave-stone  agent  or  a  barn-stormer." 

When  I  returned  to  Grand  Forks  Mr.  Kemp  asked 
me  what  kind  of  a  meeting  I  had  in  Wahpeton.  I  told 
him  two  kinds. 

North  Dakota  rolled  up  a  great  majority  for  the  Re- 
publican party.  I  have  learned  since  then  that  if  I  had 
been  kept  out  of  the  state  the  majority  would  have  been 
much  larger. 

The  chairman  of  the  bureau  of  speakers  found  out  by 
some  means  that  I  was  dropping  my  humor  and  talking 
politics.  He  wired  me  to  stick  to  my  mirth,  as  the 
Republican  party  did  not  care  to  take  any  chances. 

We  were  then  ordered  to  the  state  of  Minnesota  and 
my  first  day's  experience  in  that  state  was  a  sad  one. 
While  traveling  on  a  fast  mail  between  Morehead  and 
St.  Paul  I  noticed  a  thrashing  crew  at  work  in  a  field 
near  the  railroad  and  T  pulled  the  bellcord  to  stop  the 
train.  The  conductor's  hair  turned  red  in  less  than  one 
minute.  He  demanded  of  me  with  a  voice  Hke  a  sea- 
dog  to  explain  why  I  stopped  the  train.  I  told  him  T 
simply  wanted  to  get  off  and  take  a  straw  vote.     The 


A   BUNDLE    OF  SUNSHINE.  283 

conductor  cooled  down  to  about  ten  below  freezing  and 
told  me  to  go  ahead  but  to  make  haste.  Somehow  or 
other  he  changed  his  mind  while  I  was  taking  the  straw 
vote  and  pulled  out  and  left  me.  I  did  not  lose  my 
temper.  I  talked  that  crew  into  calling  together  all  the 
farmers  in  the  neighborhood  that  night,  so  I  could  give 
them  a  political  dessertation.  I  made  a  speech  in  a  stable, 
and  heard  one  man  say:  "Well,  that's  a  horse  on  me." 
The  next  day  I  was  able  to  get  a  train  into  St.  Paul 
and  again  join  my  serious  drama. 

We  were  dispatched  hither  and  yon  by  the  chairman 

of  the  State  Central  committee.     When  we  arrived  at 

Winona  I  heard  the  hotel  clerk  say  to  the  bus  driver: 

"Bill,  who  all  did  you  haul  up?" 

His  reply  was :     "There  was  one  gentleman  and  a 

humorist." 

On  the  sixth  day  of  November  the  Hon.  Kemp  re- 
turned to  Chicago.  On  the  sixteenth  of  that  month  the 
chairman  of  the  bureau  of  speakers  made  some  inquiries 
as  to  my  whereabouts,  as  I  had  not  reported  at  headquar- 
ters. 

No  one  seemed  to  know  anything  about  me.  The 
committee  advertised  in  the  St.  Paul  papers  and  I  was 
discovered  in  southern  Minnesota  still  talking  for  the 
Republican  party,  ten  days  after  the  election.  The  com- 
mittee wired  me  as  follows : 

"Come  home ;  the  show  is  over  and  McKinley  is  elect- 
ed." 

In  due  time  I  found  myself  in  the  Windy  City.  I 
reported  at  headquarters  and  the  chairman  with  all  the 
rest  extended  the  glad  hand  and  gave  me  a  welcome 
which  I  shall  always  appreciate. 

During  all  these  weeks  I  had  been  in  the  campaign 
I  had  never  received  a  missive  from  the  one  to  whom 


264  '4    BUNDLE   OF   SUNSHINE. 

I  had  promised  to  be  faithful.  Had  she  heard  of  my 
pohtical  work  or  was  it  possible  that  my  mail  had  not 
been  forwarded?  1  carefully  weighed  all  this  in  my 
mind  before  I  could  decide  upon  the  proper  course  to 
pursue.  I  could  not  think  of  losing  her,  as  my  hopes 
would  be  forever  blasted.  Could  that  true  heart  of  hers 
have  grown  cold?  Would  she  again  meet  me  at  the 
garden  gate,  overlook  my  broken  promise,  and  greet  me 
with  that  pair  of  loving  eyes  which  so  oft  had  thrilled 
my  very  soul  ?  These  and  other  thoughts  rushed  through 
my  weary  brain  and  stabbed  deeply  my  sin-sick  soul.  T 
called  a  carriage,  resolved  to  go  to  her  home  and  tell 
her  all.  My  heart  was  heavy,  but  I  was  determined  to 
know  my  fate  within  an  hour.  I  rang  the  door  bell  and 
the  servant  was  soon  in  possession  of  my  card.  My 
little  angel's  dear  old  father  greeted  me  kindly.  After 
a  brief  chat  about  my  trip  in  the  west  he  asked : 

"Well,  I  reckon  you  heard  about  the  girl,  didn't  you?" 

"No,  sir,  I  have  had  no  news  from  her  whatever." 

"Why,  do  you  mean  to  tell  me  that  you  haven't  heard 
anything  about  her?" 

"You  have  my  word  of  honor,  sir,  I  have  never  heard 
one  word  about  her  since  I  left  here  last  September." 

"Well.  I  suppose  you  remember  you  made  her  a  prom- 
ise when  you  went  away? 

"Yes,  sir,  I  remember  it  quite  well." 

"Well,  she  heard  about  your  speeches  in  North  Da- 
kota, and  I  am  sorry  to  say  that  you  had  just  as  well 
try  to  work  a  pair  of  jay-birds  to  a  dray  as  to  attempt 
to  win  her  hand  now." 

"Pray,  sir,  may  I  ask  why?" 

"Why,  simply  because  she  has  married  a  Democrat, 
and  moved  to  the  Sunny  South. 


A  TRIP  TO  GOOSE  CREEK. 


INCE  I  began  writing  this  book, 
which  was  on  the  second  Tuesday 
of  last  Spring,  I  have  waited  for  a 
few  characters  to  be  hanged  or  shot, 
so  I  could  tell  about  how  it  hap- 
pened. Up  to  this  hour,  however, 
they  are  still  living  and  enjoying 
good  health. 

Last  month  I  made  up  my  mind 
to  take  a  trip  to  Arkansas  and  look 
over  the  ground  for  the  purpose  of 
noting  what  changes  had  taken 
place  in  twenty-six  years  three 
months  and  thirteen  days.  When  I 
arrived  in  Fayetteville  I  noticed  the  State  University  had 
made  a  big  improvement  in  the  town.  I  went  to  this  tower 
of  learning  and  asked  one  of  the  teachers  if  he  would  let 
out  school  a  short  time  in  honor  of  my  arrival,  so  the 
school  children  could  get  a  chance  to  see  me.  He  asked 
me  for  my  name,  and  I  promptly  told  him.  Then  he 
said : 

"Now,  if  you  come  pestering  around  here  again,  I 
have  a  couple  of  bull-dogs,  which  I  will  let  out  in  your 
honor,  if  it  is  any  favor  to  you." 

This  was  the  first  great  change  that  came  to  my 
notice.     In  my  school  days  the  teacher  would  let  out 

28s 


286  A    BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

school  for  a  dog  fight  or  a  case  of  measles.  Things,  how- 
ever, are  different  in  the  educational  line  since  the  passing 
of  McGuffey's  reader  and  Webster's  blue-black  elemen- 
tary spelling  book.  School  boys  of  to-day  dress  in  uni- 
forms and  chew  flat  tobacco.  They  do  not  have  to  go 
home  on  Saturday  and  help  their  hump-back  fathers  split 
rails  and  set  out  cabbage  plants.  About  all  the  exercise 
they  get  is  making  their  own  pulmonary  cigarettes.  In 
my  day,  when  a  boy  was  bad  the  teacher  sent  him  out 
into  the  woods  for  a  yearling  club  with  knots  on  it,  and 
a  settlement  was  soon  fixed  up  between  them.  To-day  a 
school  boy  is  punished  in  a  very  different  manner.  If  he 
is  hard  to  manage,  the  teacher  allows  him  a  vacation 
of  from  one  week  to  three  months  for  reflecting  pur- 
poses. 

The  first  day  in  Fayetteville  I  met  my  old  teacher  of 
Double  Springs,  the  one  who  punished  me  for  sticking 
my  big  toe  in  the  crack  of  the  floor.  I  swore  at  the  time 
if  ever  I  grew  up  to  be  a  man  that  I  would  give  him  a 
first-class  thrashing.  After  I  talked  to  him  a  few  mo- 
ments I  learned  that  he  had  been  teaching  athletics  for 
eighteen  years.  He  weighed  198  pounds  and  wore  num- 
ber eleven  shoes  without  socks.  He  told  me  his  toe 
nails  grew  so  long  he  had  to  chop  them  off  with  an  ax. 
He  also  told  me  that  he  had  a  standing  challenge  at  his 
school  to  knock  out  any  four  of  his  students  at  one  time 
in  a  friendly  bout.  I  changed  the  subject,  and  after  we 
had  talked  a  few  minutes  about  Arkansaw  climate  I  got 
away  under  the  pretext  of  visiting  friends. 

The  next  day  I  met  a  man  who  knew  me  when  I  was 
a  young  sapling.    He  said : 

"Do  you  see  that  old  man  standing  on  the  corner  with 
his  right  leg  missing?" 

"I  do,"  I  said. 


'DO    YOU    SEE    THAT    OLD    MAN    STANDING    ON    THE    CORNER    WITH 
HIS   RIGHT   LEG  MISSING?" 


at7 


288  A   BUNDLE   OF  SUNSHINE. 

"Well,  sir,  that  is  old  Uncle  Bill  Holden;  I  reckon 
you  recollect  him,  don't  you?" 

"I  certainly  do ;  he  lived  right  south  of  our  place  on 
the  day  the  battle  of  Pea  Ridge  was  fought." 

"Well,  I  was  going  to  tell  you :  he  was  one  hundred 
and  three  years  old  just  a  little  while  before  Christmas. 
He  does  not  look  as  spry  as  he  did  a  year  ago  by  any 
means.  He  lost  his  leg  in  the  battle  of  Prairie  Grove, 
during  the  civil  war,  and  he  has  been  in  hard  luck  ever 
since.  He  has  been  afflicted  with  consumption  for  the 
last  ten  years,' and,  besides,  he  lost  the  use  of  his  left 
arm.  About  two  years  ago  he  had  the  smallpox,  and 
three  months  later  he  was  in  the  hospital  flat  on  his 
back  with  typhoid  pneumonia,  and  that  almost  took  him 
away.  He  would  perhaps  have  gotten  along  very  well, 
but  his  last  illness  left  him  subject  to  hard  fits,  and  they 
are  so  severe  that  he  seems  weakened  from  the  effects.  As 
soon  as  he  was  able  to  get  up  and  about  he  was  kicked  by 
a  horse,  and  that  gave  him  a  backset.  For  all  that,  the 
doctors  say,  if  he  would  leave  ofif  the  use  of  snuff,  he 
might  live  several  years  longer." 

"His  misfortunes  and  infirmities  have  certainly  made 
great  changes  in  him  since  I  left  here,  but  then,  of  course, 
his  age  is  against  him." 

"No,  I  think  not.  You  see,  in  Arkansaw  they  live  to 
be  very  old.  Only  a  short  time  ago  I  heard  Uncle  Thad 
Miner  say  that  he  expected  to  live  until  the  judgment 
day,  and  even  then  some  one  would  have  to  take  an  ax 
to  him  before  he  would  quit  the  earth.  Yes  sir-ee,  they 
do  certainly  grow  very  old  in  Arkansaw.  Why,  I  recol- 
lect that  when  the  'Frisco'  road  came  into  this  place,  old 
Grandpa  Peter  Lampkins,  who  was  at  that  time  1 1 1 
years  old,  walked  into  town,  a  distance  of  seventeen 
miles,  with  a  middling  of  meat  on  his  shoulder  to  see  his 


A    BUNDLE   OF   SUNSHINE.  289 

first  train,  and  didn't  think  anything  of  it.  It  is  tlie 
climate  and  soil.  The  latter  is  so  rich  that  we  can  raise 
anything  from  a  soap-gourd  to  the  biggest  kind  of  a 
fuss  without  irrigating." 

"Excuse  me  for  interrupting  you,  but  who  is  that  old 
gentleman  standing  tlicre  in  front  of  the  hotel?" 

"Why,  that's  old  Uncle  Nick  Diller.  He  is  known 
here  as  the  village  story  teller.  He  has  been  running 
that  hotel  for  the  last  eighteen  years.  Oh,  he  is  the  life 
of  the  town,  and  besides  he  is  a  great  hunter  and  fisher- 
man, and,  while  I  think  of  it,  I  must  tell  you  a  true  story 
about  him. 

"Some  time  ago  he  went  over  on  White  river  to  catch 
a  few  dozen  fish.  He  invited  several  traveling  men  to 
go  along.  They  didn't  have  to  be  coaxed  much,  for  you 
know  a  traveling  man  will  go  any  place  if  there  is  any 
sport  in  it.  Uncle  Nick  is  a  great  hand  for  dogs,  and 
he  seldom  goes  fishing  without  a  few  with  him.  Some 
of  them  are  thoroughbreds  and  some  are  just  plain  dogs — 
that  is  to  say,  yellow.  On  this  occasion  he  took  along 
one  of  the  yellows,  which  he  had  been  teaching  to  retrieve 
from  puphood.  He  had  this  yellow  well  trained.  The 
fact  is,  he  named  him  Yellow.  Every  time  he  threw  a 
stick,  fence  rail,  a  stick  of  cord  wood,  or  even  a  wagon 
tongue,  into  a  stream.  Yellow  would  jump  in  and  bring 
out  the  goods  to  his  master.  Well,  on  this  day  he  took 
along  a  few  sticks  of  giant  powder  in  order  to  get  plenty 
of  fish  with  but  little  work  and  to  give  the  traveling  men 
an  idea  of  how  it  was  done.  Well,  sir,  now  here  comes 
the  killing  part  of  it ;  I  mean  the  joke.  I  think  Uncle 
Nick  was  trying  to  show  off  a  little  that  day,  as  all  the 
drummers  were  guests  at  his  hotel.  He  said  to  them : 
'Now,  I  will  take  this  stick  of  giant  powder  and  throw 
it  into  the  river.  When  it  explodes  you  will  see  17.964 
fish  come  to  the  top,  belly  up.     We  will  then  jump  into 


290  A   BVSDLE   OF  SUNSHINE. 

a  skiff,  row  out  and  spend  an  hour  in  picking  them  up. 
I  guess  you  fellows  better  get  into  the  skiff  so  you  can 
be  ready  to  row  out  as  soon  as  the  explosion  takes 
place.' 

"The  traveling  men  seated  themselves  in  the  skiff  and 
waited  for  orders. 

**  'Now-,  fellows,  when  I  count  three  be  ready,'  said 
Uncle  Nick.   "  'Are  you  all  in  the  skiff?' 

"  'We  are.' 

"  'Then  here  goes.' 

"At  that  he  threw  the  stick  of  powder  into  the  river, 
and  the  moment  the  dog  saw  it  strike  the  water  he  plunged 
after  it  and  grabbed  it  with  his  teeth.  When  Uncle 
Nick  saw  what  Yellow  was  doing  he  had  cold  and  hot 
flushes  up  his  back.  He  realized  that  he  could  not  coax 
the  dog  to  drop  the  powder,  so  he  made  a  rush  for  the 
woods.  The  louder  he  yelled  at  the  dog  to  drop  the 
stick  the  faster  he  went.  Just  as  the  dog  was  within 
thirty  feet  of  him  the  powder  exploded,  and  Uncle  Nick 
fell  to  the  grountl  in  a  dead  faint.  The  drummers  rushed 
up  and  worked  with  him  for  some  time  before  they  could 
bring  him  to  life  again.  When  he  recovered  conscious- 
ness he  asked : 

"  'Where  is  the  dog?'  The  drummers  did  not  know, 
as  there  was  no  sign  of  a  dog  about.  After  a  close 
search,  a  piece  of  the  dog's  tail  was  found  in  the  forks  of 
a  sapling.  From  that  day  to  this,  if  any  one  speaks 
to  Uncle  Nick  about  retrievers,  he  simply  refuses  to 
talk." 

"Well,  now,  that  is  all  right  about  Uncle  Nick  and  his 
retriever ;  but  what  interests  me  most  now  is  a  drive  out 
west  of  here  about  six  miles.  I  want  to  see  what  changes 
have  taken  place  on  Goose  Creek  and  Soda  Flat.  I  want 
to  hang  around  a  while  out  there  where  the  sapsuckers 


A    BUNDLE    OF   SUNSHINE.  291 

and  gray  squirrels  are  the  thickest.  Can  you  direct  me 
to  some  Hvery  stable  where  I  can  get  a  team?" 

"Can  I?"  said  my  friend,  whose  name  was  Jim  Pow- 
ers, by  the  way.  "I  cannot  direct  you  to  any  place  else, 
because  I  am  running  a  stable  myself.  You  just  lean 
up  against  the  court  house  there  and  rest  yourself  while 
I  hitch  up,  and  we  will  soon  be  on  the  way." 

"Do  you  see  that  mound  over  yonder  to  the  left?" 
said  Jim  as  we  drove  along.  "Well,  sir,  that  is  what  they 
call  Gallows  Hill.  Many  years  ago  a  young  fellow  was 
caught  stealing  sheep,  besides  that  he  killed  a  man  one 
night,  and,  as  you  know,  that  was  adding  insult  to  injury, 
and  carrying  his  devilment  a  little  too  far.  The  sheriff 
got  after  him,  and  told  him  that  he  would  have  to  be 
more  careful,  or  he  would  be  compelled  to  let  the  law 
take  its  course.  The  young  man  didn't  pay  the  least 
attention  to  the  advice,  but  showed  a  vindictive  spirit 
that  made  the  sheriifT  angry,  and  he  took  the  young  fellow 
before  the  bar  of  justice;  and  the  result  was  the  judge 
sentenced  him  to  be  hanged  until  he  was  as  dead  as  a 
mackerel.  The  funniest  thing  about  the  whole  affair  was 
the  cold  blooded  way  he  acted  on  the  gallows.  The  day 
for  hanging  him  up  was  set,  and  the  whole  towns  of 
Fayetteville,  Farmington,  'Possum  Trot  and  Goose  Creek 
turned  out  to  see  the  thing  come  off.  I  never  saw  such 
a  multitude  of  people  at  one  time.  Yes,  sir-ee,  that  was  a 
crowd  for  your  chin  hemps  and  manila  sprouts ;  all  turned 
out. 

"On  the  scaffold  the  sheriff  asked  him  if  he  had  any- 
thing to  say  before  the  sentence  was  executed. 

"  'Yes,  sir,'  he  said.  'I  have  a  dying  request  to  make. 
Take  this  bar  of  soap  to  the  man  from  whom  I  took  the 
sheep,  and  tell  him  to  wash  his  neck.  Tell  him,  also,  that 
when  his  last  day  comes,  he  had  better  wear  an  asbestos 


292  A   BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

suit.  Sheep's  wool  won't  do  him  any  good  there.  Now, 
Mr.  Sheriff,  the  trap  you  have  set  for  this  bird  is,  I  hope, 
in  good  order;  just  throw  the  trigger.'  The  sheriff  did 
as  he  was  requested,  then  the  bets  were  all  off." 

"Do  they  hang  people  very  often  around  here  nowa- 
days?" 

"No,  not  in  this  section.  It  is  not  the  fad  it  once  was. 
That  kind  of  punishment  has  gone  out  of  style.  Speaking 
of  hanging;  do  you  see  that  little  meeting  house  on  the 
hill  there?  Well,  that  is  Mount  Nebo.  There  is  where 
Aunt  Tina  Sampson  professed  religion  long  before  the 
war.  She  was  a  mighty  good  w^oman,  I  tell  you ;  but  for 
all  that,  she  died  with  a  broken  heart.  She  was  the 
mother  of  seven  boys,  and  every  durned  one  of  them 
turned  out  bad.  It  was  a  shame  the  way  those  boys  car- 
ried on  their  mischief.  Four  of  them  were  lynched  for 
jayhawking  during  the  war  and  the  other  three  were  shot 
for  robbery.  It  was  too  bad,  on  Aunt  Tina's  account, 
but  they  had  to  go. 

"Just  a  mile  from  here  is  where  we  had  the  awful 
cyclone  a  few  years  ago." 

"Excuse  me  for  interrupting  you.  Jim,  but  I  did  not 
know  you  had  cvclones  in  Arkansaw." 

"You  didn't?  Well,  I  should  cough  up  a  rabbit.  And 
you  never  heard  of  an  Arkansaw  cyclone?  Why,  you 
must  have  been  stuck  away  in  some  hollow  log  sound 
asleep  all  these  years.  We  have  a  brand  of  cyclones  down 
here  different  from  any  I  ever  read  of.  We  have  the 
regular  down  in  front  kind.  The  one  I  am  going  to  tell 
you  about  was  a  twister.  It  was  full  of  kinks.  It  had 
its  tail  twisted  somewhere  down  on  Beaver  creek,  and  the 
closer  it  came  this  way  the  madder  it  got ;  and  by  the  time 
it  reached  Sid  Kain's  barn  it  had  turned  green.  Say, 
talk  about  pranks.     It  took  all  the  mules  and  horses  out 


293 


294 


A    BUNDLE   OF   SUNSHINE. 


and  tied  them  to  trees;  then  it  deposited  the  barn  over 
twenty-five  townships.  Oh.  it  was  a  sure  enough  dis- 
grace the  way  that  thing  acted.  Just  beyond  the  barn 
the  Benton  family  hved,  and  that  twister  struck  their 
house  and  set  the  whole  family  out  into  the  middle  of 
the  county  road,  and  not  one  of  them  w^as  hurt.  The 
old  lady  was  sticking  in  the  mud  up  to  her  w^aist  and 


TVhL  ?»\r«rt(! 


"SINGULAR  AS  IT  MAY  SEEM,  NOT  ONE  OF  THEIR  CHICKENS  WAS 
KILLED,  BUT  THEY  WERE  PICKED  AS  CLEAN  AS  IF  BY  HUMAN 
HANDS." 

the  old  man's  shoes  were  untied.  The  children  were 
fastened  together  w^ith  a  cotton  rope.  Their  house  has 
never  been  heard  of  since.  Singular  as  it  may  seem,  not 
one  of  their  chickens  was  killed,  but  they  were  picked 
as  clean  as  if  by  human  hands.  One  old  rooster  escaped 
with  just  one  tail  feather.    He  was  a  sight,  I  tell  you. 

'The  Benton  family  owned  an  organ,  and  I'll  be 
blamed  if  that  organ  wasn't  found  sitting  in  one  corner  of 
a  stable  four  miles  from  there,  and  it  wasn't  even  out 
of  tune.     Yes,  sir-ee.  it  was  an  awful  cvclone.     All  Mr. 


■A   BUNDLE   OF  SUNSHINE.  apS 

Benton  had  left  with  which  to  start  in  Hfc  again  was 
that  organ  and  a  few  dozen  featherless  chickens. 

"That  house  over  there  in  the  woods  is  where  old 
man  Roletts  used  to  live.  No  use  talkin',  he  was  a  case. 
You  know  he  never  believed  in  education.  When  Mr. 
Hestler  came  to  this  section  to  get  up  a  school  he  asked 
Roletts  if  he  wanted  to  send  any  of  his  children.  Roletts 
said  he  did  not  see  the  use,  as  schooling  made  a  boy  so 
smart  he  was  trifling.  He  said  he  could  take  his  oldest 
boys  and  lock  them  up  in  a  barn  and  they  could  make 
five  dollars  a  day  swapping  old  clothes  with  each  other. 
Yes,  sir,  he  lived  to  the  age  of  sixty  and  never  learned 
to  read  or  write.  They  told  some  great  stories  on  the 
old  fellow,  but  for  all  that  he  was  the  best  judge  of  a 
coon  dog  in  the  whole  county. 

"He  once  subscribed  for  a  weekly  paper,  and  he  had 
to  take  it  over  to  Lige  Powers  and  get  him  to  read  it.  In 
one  issue  there  was  a  lengthy  article  advising  the  Arkan- 
saw  farmers  to  plant  plenty  of  corn,  as  there  would  be  a 
great  many  immigrants  come  in  that  fall.  'Hold  on  thar, 
Lige,'  said  Roletts,  'don't  read  so  durned  fast.  Now,  what 
in  th'  jumped-up-gee-whilicans  is  'n  immigrant?' 

"  'Blamed  if  I  know,'  said  Lige,  'unless  it's  something 
kind  of  between  a  coon  and  a  ground  hog,  because  I  know 
that  ground  hogs  are  hell  on  corn.'  " 

We  drove  over  to  my  old  home  on  Goose  Creek. 
There  had  been  many  changes.  A  woman  was  making 
soap  out  by  the  ash-hopper.  The  soap-kettle  looked  nat- 
ural, but  the  ash-hopper  did  not.  It  was  sickening  to  see 
how  that  ash-hopper  had  been  allowed  to  go  to  rack.  The 
spring  house  had  been  washed  away  one  night,  and 
had  stayed  away.  I  asked  one  of  the  men  there  what  he 
raised  on  the  farm  these  days, 

"About  the  same  as  you  see  around  here,"  he  said; 
"rag-weeds,  turnips,  yellow  dock,  boils,  poison  oak,  and 


296  A    BUNDLE   OF   SUNSHINE. 

some  ague;  that  is  about  all.  When  the  distemper,  chol- 
era and  blind  staggers  are  not  bad  we  can  raise  a  pretty 
fair  crop  of  hogs.  When  we  bought  the  farm  from  you 
folks  we  thought  there  was  some  soil  on  it.  We  didn't 
know,  or  even  stop  to  think,  that  any  man  would  fence  in 
eighty  acres  of  flint  rocks  and  then  call  it  a  farm.  Of 
course,  that  hillside  land  is  pretty  good,  but  it  is  so 
steep  that  we  have  to  tie  the  pumpkin  vines  to  a  tree. 
The  first  year  we  took  the  place  v/e  did  not  think  of  that. 
One  night  there  was  a  storm,  and  a  thousand  pumpkins 
rolled  off  that  hill  into  Goose  Creek  and  washed  away. 
The  creek  was  high,  and  the  last  we  heard  of  the  pump- 
kins they  had  reached  the  Illinois  River,  going  faster 
than  ever." 

I  took  a  farewell  look  at  the  old  place,  then  went  back 
to  town. 


CUPID  AND  PSYCHE. 


HERE  once  lived  a  king  whose 
crown  was  seven  and  three-quar- 
ters, while  his  right  size  was  six  and 
one-eighth.  This  crown  came  down 
over  his  ears,  and  it  made  him  look 
very  blase.  His  wife  was  a  queen, 
of  course,  but  she  did  not  monkey 
around  the  throne  very  much.  She 
had  all  she  could  do  to  take  care  of 
the  chickens  and  entertain  company. 
They  had  three  grown-up  daugh- 
ters. The  oldest  two  were  simply 
dreams ;  and  the  people  around 
often  stopped  plowing  corn  and  took  a  week  off  just  to 
get  a  look  at  these  killing  soubrettes.  The  beauty  of  the 
youngest  could  not  be  expressed  in  dialect.  The  language 
of  the  finest  word  painter  that  ever  dipped  a  quill  would 
be  poverty-stricken  when  it  comes  to  describing  this  fairy's 
beauty.  People  drove  a  great  distance  up  the  pike  to  get 
a  look  at  her.  They  feasted  their  eyes  and  paid  her  a 
homage  that  made  Venus  wild  with  jealousy.  Her  name 
was  Psyche,  and,  unfortunately,  she  was  only  mortal; 
while  Venus  was  immortal,  and  very  sore  on  Psyche.  We 
cannot  very  well  blame  Venus  for  being  jealous;  for 
when  the  truth  is  known.  Venus  at  that  time  could  give 
the  whole  w^orld  cards  and  spades  on  being  a  fine  looker. 

2q8 


A   BUNDLE   OF  SUNSHINE.  299 

No  beauty,  mortal  or  immortal,  could  hold  a  candle  to 
her. 

When  Psyche,  the  young  virgin,  passed  along  the 
streets  the  men  sang  her  praises  in  rag  time  and  threw 
twenty-dollar  bunches  of  carnations  and  lilacs  in  her 
path. 

This  perversion  of  homage  to  Psyche,  which  belonged 
only  to  the  gods  and  goddesses,  caused  Venus  to  turn  up 
her  nose.  The  very  sight  of  Psyche  gave  her  hot  and 
cold  flushes  so  she  ran  her  fingers  through  her  ambrosial 
locks  and  in  an  angry  moment  she  said  to  herself :  "Am 
I,  the  whole  thing  as  I  am,  the  official  beauty  of  all  the 
goddesses,  to  be  outdone  by  this  cross-eyed,  dough-faced, 
round  -  shouldered,  pigeon  -  toed,  sap  -  headed  mortal 
Psyche  ?  No,  no,  not  with  me  she  don't.  I  guess  I  know 
my  business.  I  will  allow  no  one  to  take  charge  of  the 
beauty  department  but  myself.  Did  not  the  sheep  herder, 
whose  judgment  was  approved  by  Jove  himself,  hand  me 
the  palm  of  beauty  which  was  head  and  shoulders  over 
my  rivals,  Pallas  and  Juno?  If  I  know  myself,  Psyche 
will  not  take  my  honors  from  me.  I  will  yet  make  her 
glad  to  ask  my  forgiveness,  and  if  she  does  not,  I'll 
sure  enough  put  her  on  the  run." 

She  thought  the  matter  all  over,  and  figured  on  how 
she  could  get  even  with  Psyche  for  being  so  beautiful 
and  attractive.  She  called  her  son  Cupid  into  the  front 
room  for  consultation.  Cupid  had  wings  and  carried  a 
bow  and  arrow.  Besides  being  a  high-class  love  maker, 
he  was  a  regular  cut-up.  When  it  came  to  lady-killing 
he  was  there  with  the  goods.  As  a  flirt  he  was  a  record 
breaker.    So  Venus  said  to  him : 

"My  son,  I  want  you  to  get  your  wings  in  good  flying 
shape,  take  a  trip  down  to  the  earth,  and  get  square  with 
that  contumacious  Psyche  for  my  sake.  Give  your  mother 
a  chance  to  get  a  hatful  of  sweet  revenge,  for  she  needs  it 


300 


A   BUNDLE   OF  SUNSHINE.  301 

in  her  business.  Infuse  into  her  heaving  breast  a  fearful 
ilesire  to  marry  some  ragged,  can-rushing,  low-down 
tramp,  so  that  afterwards  she  will  have  a  chance  to  reap 
a  big  crop  of  mortification." 

Cupid  got  foxy  under  his  mother's  guidance,  and  put 
up  the  following  job : 

In  his  mother's  back  yard,  near  the  smokehouse,  there 
were  two  fountains.  One  was  filled  with  syrup  and 
the  other  with  fluid  extract  of  gall.  Cupid  filled  two 
quart  bottles,  one  from  each  fountain.  He  tied  them  to 
his  quiver  and  struck  out  for  Psyche's  domain.  She  had 
been  to  a  dance  the  night  before,  and  when  he  found  her 
she  was  dead  to  the  world.  She  was  sleeping  like  an 
anaconda  during  its  lethargic  season.  He  shed  a  few 
drops  from  his  gall  fountain  over  her  lips;  though  the 
very  look  of  that  fair  face  almost  moved  him  to  pity. 
Then  to  assure  himself  that  she  w^ould  wake  up  he  touched 
her  in  the  side  with  the  tip  end  of  his  arrow.  At  the 
touch  her  eyes  flew  open,  and  Cupid  was  by  her  side,  but 
invisible.  He  was  so  excited  that  in  flitting  around  he 
accidentally  wounded  himself  with  his  own  arrow.  He 
cared  little  about  the  wound,  but  was  anxious  to  make 
some  repairs  on  the  mischief  he  had  played  with  Psyche, 
so  he  poured  the  contents  of  the  bottle  of  syrup  on  her 
hair  to  counteract  the  effects  of  the  gall. 

Psyche,  with  all  her  charms  and  good  looks,  had  never 
derived  any  benefit  from  them.  Venus  had  been  making 
snoots  at  her,  and  all  told,  things  were  going  wrong,  so 
what  could  the  poor  girl  do?  It  is  true,  every  one  was 
rubbering  at  her  with  admiration,  and  spoke  well  of  her, 
and  all  that ;  but  neither  king,  dude,  plebian  horse  trainer 
nor  tavern  keeper  ever  made  a  break  and  offered  to  take 
her  in  out  of  the  w^et  and  marry  her.  The  two  sisters  I 
have  already  mentioned  had  not  been  married  a  great 


302  A    BUNDLE   OF  SUNSHmE. 

while.  They  were  tied  up  to  a  couple  of  pale-faced  royal 
princes,  but  both,  unfortunately,  were  unhappy. 

Dear  reader,  have  you  ever  made  a  study  of  a  royal 
prince?  Allow  me  to  give  you  the  definition  of  a  royal 
prince  when  he  is  at  his  best.  In  zoological  science  he 
is  called  a  parody  on  an  accident.  He  is  a  door  knob 
upon  which  an  old  hen  has  sat  but  failed  to  hatch.  Can 
you  blame  these  two  sisters  for  not  being  happy? 

Psyche  was  housed  up  in  her  lonely  apartments  dead 
tired  of  her  solitude  and  sick  of  her  beauty.  Of  course 
her  make-up  called  for  lots  of  flattery,  but  she  had  failed 
to  awaken  any  kind  of  love.  Her  father  and  mother, 
fearing  that  they  were  in  some  kind  of  a  mix-up  with  the 
gods,  went  over  to  the  oracle  Apollo  for  a  consulta- 
tion.    His  answer  was : 

"It  is  destined  that  Psyche  will  fall  in  love  with  some 
mortal  and  become  his  wife.  Her  future  husband  is  at 
the  top  of  a  lofty  mountain.  He  is  a  monster  with  large 
burnt-umber  eyes  and  mattress  hair  whiskers.  His  hair 
is  a  sea  green,  and  neither  men  nor  gods  can  handle 
him." 

Now,  this  awful  decree  of  the  oracle  put  the  whole 
neighborhood  to  thinking,  and  Psyche's  parents  went 
out  and  got  full  up  to  the  neck  on  grief.  Then  Psyche 
said  to  them: 

"Why  do  you  take  on  about  me  ?  You  should  have 
done  the  grieving  act  when  all  the  men  showered  honors 
on  me  and  when  they  threw  tube  roses  and  pansies  at  me 
and  at  the  same  time  called  me  a  Venus.  That  was  the 
time  you  should  have  done  your  weeping.  I  know  that 
as  long  as  I  am  mortal  Venus  will  be  my  hoodoo  and  I 
will  have  plenty  of  trouble  on  her  account.  But  never 
mind,  here  I  am,  and  I  submit;  so  lead  me  to  the  top  of 
the  mountain." 


303 


304  A    BUNDLE   OF  SUNSHINE. 

In  due  time  everything  was  prepared  lor  the  trip.  The 
royal  maid  got  into  the  procession  Hke  a  hired  girl,  and 
the  people  strung  out  like  a  grand  march  at  a  country 
dance.  It  looked  more  like  a  funeral,  however,  than  it 
did  a  bride-elect  going  to  meet  her  future.  Her  parents 
were  shedding  tears  as  large  as  osage  oranges.  It  seemed 
like  such  a  disgrace  to  see  poor  Psyche  marched  up  the 
mountain  to  marry  some  monster  to  whom  she  had  never 
been  introduced. 

When  the  summit  was  reached  Psyche  was  left  alone. 
The  procession  returned  home  in  single  file. 

While  Psyche  stood  on  the  top  of  the  mountain, 
breathing  heavily  from  the  long  walk,  and  with  her  mel- 
low eyes  soaked  in  tears,  a  kind  and  gentle  zephyr  lifted 
her  quietly  into  the  air  and  took  her  away  to  a  dale  of 
flowers.  There  she  laid  herself  down  and  fell  into  a 
peaceful  sleep.  When  she  awoke  she  looked  about,  and 
before  her  was  a  beautiful  grove.  She  found  her  way 
into  the  midst  of  it  and  discovered  a  fountain.  It  was 
not  hydrant  water,  but  pure  and  crystal.  Near  by  stood 
a  magnificent  palace  that  would  suit  any  kind  of  a  woman 
— the  kind  of  palace  poets  write  about.  Psyche  knew  at 
a  glance  that  it  was  not  put  up  by  mortal  hands,  but  was 
erected  to  order  for  some  god's  summer  resort.  She  was, 
like  all  women,  very  curious,  so  she  ventured  to  look 
around  for  awhile.  She  glanced  first  to  the  left  and  then 
to  the  right,  and  everything  filled  her  soul  with  amaze- 
ment and  pleasure.  Pillars  of  gold  supported  the  roof, 
and  the  walls  were  set  with  diamonds,  sapphires,  rubies 
and  onyx.  While  she  was  so  busy  looking  at  the  won- 
derful paintings  she  heard  a  voice,  which  said : 

"Fair  lady,  we  are  your  servants  and  at  your  com- 
mand. You  cannot  see  us,  but  we  are  here  to  treat  you 
right.  We  are  the  only  invisible  servants  you  ever  had, 
and   you   can  never   discharge   us.      Now,   go   to  your 


A  KIND  AND  GENTLE  ZEPHYR  LIFTED  HER  QUIETLY  INTO  THE  AIR 
AND  TOOK  HER  AWAY  TO  A  DALE  OF  FLOWERS. 


3o6  A   BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE. 

chamber  and  take  a  rest ;  then  you  can  take  a  bath  and  get 
ready  for  a  supper  that  will  be  heavenly." 

Psyche  did  as  they  commanded,  and  when  she  had 
rested  and  bathed  she  repaired  to  the  dining-room  and 
put  her  feet  under  the  mahogany.  There  she  enjoyed 
herself  as  never  before.  The  music  by  the  Aeolian  invis- 
ible string  band  was  certainly  entrancing. 

All  this  was  very  good,  and  Psyche  enjoyed  it  for  a 
time;  but  she  wanted  a  chance  to  see  her  husband.  He 
had  a  habit  of  coming  home  after  dark  and  skipping  out 
before  daylight.  He  was  full  of  love  and  a  most  exem- 
plary man,  but  Psyche  was  crazy  to  see  what  he  looked 
like.  Many  times  she  would  ask  him  to  remain  until  day- 
light so  she  could  get  a  chance  to  size  him  up,  but  he 
always  refused  for  reasons  best  known  to  himself.  This 
quieted  Psyche  for  a  short  time,  but  at  length  she  grew 
impatient  at  living  alone  in  the  palace  with  no  one  to 
talk  to  but  invisFble  servants  and  a  pair  of  house  cats. 

At  last  she  grew  homesick,  and  wanted  to  have  her 
two  sisters  pay  her  a  visit.  One  night  w^hen  Cupid  came 
home  she  asked  him  if  he  would  care  much  if  her  sisters 
paid  her  a  visit.  He  reluctantly  gave  his  consent.  So 
she  sent  word  for  the  sisters  to  come  on.  They  climbed 
the  mountain  and  worked  Zephyr  for  a  couple  of  serial 
passes  down  into  the  valley  where  Psyche  lived.  She 
was  tickled  almost  to  death  to  see  them,  and  she  surely 
made  the  wives  of  the  royal  princes  feel  at  home  in  her 
grand  palace.  The  two  sisters  had  never  seen  anything 
so  splendid,  and  they  at  once  proceeded  to  get  jealous  of 
her  good  luck.  So  they  sought  to  create  a  disturbance. 
They  burdened  her  with  a  lot  of  questions,  many  of 
which  she  did  not  answer  directly.  They  made  her  admit 
that  she  had  never  seen  her  husband,  and  that  he  came 
home  at  night  and  went  away  before  the  break  of  day. 


A    BUNDLE    OF   SUNSHINE.  307 

Then   the   sisters   stuffed   her   head    full   of  dark   suspi- 
cion. 

"Do  you  recollect."  they  said,  "about  the  Pythian 
oracle  that  said  you  would  marry  some  terrible  monster? 
How  do  you  know  but  what  you  are  sleeping  with  a 
snake  a  hundred  feet  long?  It  may  be  that  he  will  be 
good  to  you  for  awhile,  then,  in  a  fit  of  madness,  get  in 
some  night  and  eat  you  up.  Now,  you  had  better  take  our 
advice,  and  find  out  what  kind  of  a  fanged  reptile  you 
are  rooming  with.  Get  yourself  a  razor  and  make  it 
sharp.  Then  get  a  tallow  candle  and  hide  it,  with  the 
razor,  under  the  bed,  so  he  wall  not  see  them.  When 
he  comes  home,  wait  until  he  is  sound  asleep;  then  climb 
out  of  bed,  light  the  candle,  and,  whatever  you  do,  don't 
forget  your  razor.  Take  the  candle  in  one  hand  and  the 
razor  in  the  other;  and  if  you  find  out  that  he  is  a  snake, 
why.  don't  hesitate  to  cut  his  head  off ;  then  you  will  have 
your  liberty,  and  you  can  go  home  and  have  a  big  time 
with  us  girls,  as  you  used  to." 

Little  did  Psyche  dream  her  own  sisters  were  putting 
up  a  job  on  her.  She  secured  the  razor  and  candle  as 
they  advised  and  waited  for  the  coming  of  her  nocturnal 
husband.  In  due  time  her  better  half  entered  the  palace 
through  some  crack  and  crawled  into  bed.  When  he  fell 
asleep  and  began  snoring  a  tune  that  sounded  like  a  dry 
goods  clerk  tearing  off  seven  yards  of  bed-ticking,  she 
slipped  out  of  bed,  struck  a  match  on  her  center  table, 
and  proceeded  to  take  the  first  peep  at  her  husband.  She 
did  not  discover  a  poisonous  monster,  with  ten-inch  fangs, 
as  she  had  expected,  but  the  most  charming  of  all  immor- 
tals. There  he  rested  in  his  pink  silk  pajamas,  with  his 
golden  liair  spread  out  all  over  the  pillow^  He  had  on  a 
pair  of  wings,  covered  with  dew,  which  was  collected 
while  flying  through  the  night.  His  cheeks  were  crimson, 
and  his  neck  was  whiter  than  frost.     As  she  leaned  over 


308  A   BUNDLE   OF   SUNSHINE. 

him  to  get  a  good  view  of  his  heavenly  face,  a  drop  of 
hot  grease  fell  from  the  candle  onto  his  shoulder.  This, 
of  course,  was  very  awakening,  and  he  opened  his  eyes 
and  took  a  square  look  at  her  without  saying  a  word. 
Then  in  the  batting  of  an  eye  he  spread  his  white  wings 
and  flitted  out  of  the  window.  She  knew  in  a  moment 
that  her  youthful  husband  was  none  other  than  Cupid ; 
and  as  he  went  through  the  window  she  took  after  him, 
and  yelled  at  the  top  of  her  voice  for  him  to  wait  a  minute 
as  she  wanted  to  explain  things;  but  he  just  kept  on 
flying.  In  trying  to  follow^  him  she  fell  out  of  the  win- 
dow and  hit  the  ground  very  hard.  As  she  lay  there  in 
the  dust,  almost  exhausted,  she  heard  Cupid's  voice : 

"I  took  you  in  out  of  the  wet  against  my  immortal 
mother's  wishes,"  he  said.  ''Like  all  women,  you  are 
curious  and  shy  on  confidence.  You  have  taken  me  for 
a  snake  and  wanted  to  cut  my  head  off.  Oh,  but  you 
are  a  good  one.  I  will  tell  you,  my  little  girl,  that  love 
and  suspicion  will  not  mix ;  so  you  had  better  go  home  to 
your  sisters  and  get  some  more  advice  from  them,  you 
may  need  it  in  your  business.  I  am  through  with  you ; 
I  say  I  am  through ;  so  good-by,  Psyche,  good-by,"  and 
away  he  flew  through  the  air  up  among  the  stars. 

Psyche  had  nothing  left  except  a  good  supply  of 
lamentations.  When  she  came  to  herself  she  looked 
around  and,  to  her  great  surprise,  the  garden  and  palace 
had  been  removed.  After  figuring  awhile  to  get  her  bear- 
ings, she  found  that  she  was  in  a  woods  pasture,  near  the 
village  in  which  she  had  lived.  She  went  to  the  house, 
told  her  people  how  it  happened  and  how  badly  she  felt 
over  it.  The  sisters  played  they  were  almost  killed 
with  grief,  although  they  were  laughing  in  their  sleeves. 
They  rejoiced  that  their  scheme  to  separate  Cupid  and 
Psyche  had  worked  well. 


A   BUNDLE   OF  SUNSHINE.  309 

The  next  morning  the  sisters  climbed  the  mountain 
bright  and  early  to  see  Zephyr  about  a  trip  to  Cupid's 
home.  They  were  desirous  that  the  prince  of  love  might 
select  one  of  them  in  place  of  Psyche.  When  they  reached 
the  mountain  top  one  called  to  Zephyr  to  give  her  a  boost 
into  the  air,  never  imagining  that  he  would  refuse.  She 
made  a  jump  and  went  about  twenty-one  feet  into  space. 
Zephyr  failed  to  support  her,  and  she  fell  about  18,000 
feet  to  the  bottom  of  a  canyon.  Her  remains  were  taken 
home  soaked  in  embalming  fluid. 

Psyche  wandered  around  at  all  hours,  worrying  about 
her  marriage  failure,  and  refusing  to  take  any  food  except 
a  griddle  cake  now  and  then.  One  day  she  looked  up 
at  the  top  of  a  high  mountain  and  discovered  a  fine  tem- 
ple. She  thought  perhaps  Cupid  might  live  there,  and 
if  he  did,  there  might  be  a  chance  to  see  him  and  square 
herself.  When  she  arrived  the  temple  proved  to  be  a 
corn  crib.  In  it  was  a  great  lot  of  oats,  corn,  millet  seed, 
fodder,  broomcorn,  timothy  hay  and  seed  wheat,  besides 
a  number  of  farming  implements.  She  made  herself  busy 
putting  everything  in  order.  While  thus  engaged  the 
holy  Ceres,  the  owner  of  the  crib,  came  in. 

Psyche  told  her  the  story  of  her  past  life.  Ceres  was 
sorry  for  her,  and  gave  her  a  lot  of  good  advice  on  how 
to  get  Cupid  back  again. 

"Go  direct  to  Venus,  your  mother-in-law,"  she  said, 
"and  lay  your  case  before  her.  Tell  her  you  are  willing 
to  do  any  old  kind  of  hard  work  just  to  prove  to  her  that 
in  the  future  you  will  cut  out  all  your  curiosity,  and  that 
when  Cupid  tells  you  a  thing  you  will  believe  him,  be- 
cause he  is  your  lord  and  master.  Now,  to  show  Venus 
that  you  are  willing  to  act  properly,  tell  her  you  will  put 
out  Monday's  washing,  do  all  the  baking  for  Sunday,  and 
will  even  go  out  and  plant  the  garden  stufif  if  she  so 
desires.     Of  course,  it  is  hardly  probable  that  she  will 


SHE  FELIy  ABOUT  18.000  FEET  TO  THE  BOTTOM  OF  A  CANNON. 

310 


A   BUNDLE   OF   SUNSHINE.  3" 

ask  you  to  shovel  coal,  saw  wood  or  dig  wells,  but  if  she 
does,  why,  tackle  it  anyway,  and  perhaps  by  your  being 
good  she  may  forgive  you  and  fix  it  with  Cupid  so  you  can 
join  hands  again  and  forever  be  happy." 

So  Psyche  hied  herself  away  to  the  temple  of  Venus. 
On  the  way  she  had  many  thoughts  of  how  she  would 
brace  the  angry  goddess.  She  did  not  know  but  that 
Venus  would  throw  her  out  bodily,  but  she  was  dead 
anxious  to  take  the  chance.  When  she  arrived  at  the 
temple  Venus  gave  her  a  look  that  was  nothing  short  of 
a  downright  freeze-out.  Talk  about  a  woman's  scorn; 
Venus  sure  enough  had  her  scorning  gown  on  that  day, 
and  the  way  she  talked  to  Psyche  was  something  fierce. 

When  she  had  tired  herself  out  talking  she  concluded 
her  roasting  by  telling  Psyche  that  she  might  win  Cupid 
back  if  she  would  undergo  a  lot  of  hardships  and  per- 
form a  number  of  impossible  feats.  Psyche  told  her  that 
she  would  undertake  any  kind  of  labor  that  might  be 
required  of  her;  then  Venus  ordered  her  to  be  led 
out  to  the  barn,  where  there  were  several  hundred 
bushels  of  pigeon  feed,  such  as  flaxseed,  corn, 
black  eyed  peas,  barley,  clover  seed,  hemp  seed, 
navy  beans,  castor  beans  and  wild  turnip  seed,  all  mixed 
up  in  one  great  big  heap.  She  was  commanded  to 
pick  these  seeds  over  and  put  each  kind  in  a  separate 
pile  by  6  o'clock  in  the  evening.  This  was  a  test  of 
Psyche's  housewifery.  When  the  little  girl  looked  at 
that  inextricable  heap  she  turned  pale.  She  sat  down 
on  a  feed-box  and  heaved  a  sigh  which  Cupid  heard  across 
a  two-acre  field.  He  knew  what  was  up,  and  he  lost  no 
time  in  stirring  up  about  eighty  bushels  of  field  ants  to 
help  her  out.  The  ants  worked  diligently,  and  the  job 
was  completed  before  6  o'clock.  When  the  last  seed  was 
in  its  place,  every  ant  disappeared.  A  little  later  Venus 
returned  having  spent  all  the  afternoon  at  a  goddess' 


312 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE.  313 

reunion.  When  she  saw  that  the  work  was  completed, 
she  said  to  Psyche  : 

"Now,  you  can't  fool  me;  this  is  a  put  up  job,  as  I 
know  you  have  been  assisted  in  some  secret  way.  No 
doubt  my  son  Cupid  has  had  his  fingers  in  this  work,  so 
you  will  not  be  allowed  one  bit  of  credit  for  your  labor." 

She  then  threw  her  a  chunk  of  stale  rye  bread  and  left 
Psyche  to  sleep  in  the  haymow  alone. 

Next  morning  Venus  went  out  to  the  barn  and  ordered 
Psyche  to  a  certain  grove  by  the  river,  where  she  would 
find  a  flock  of  sheep  with  golden  fleece,  from  the  back 
of  each  of  which  she  must  bring  a  sample  of  w^ool.  When 
she  reached  the  river  bank  she  heard  the  river  god  say : 

"Be  careful  about  pulling  wool,  because  the  sheep 
will  not  stand  for  it.  They  are  under  the  influence  of 
the  rising  sun  and  blind  with  rage  and  the  wool  is  too 
hot  to  pull.  Some  of  those  big  rams  are  also  likely  to  butt 
you,  and  if  they  do  you  will  land  in  the  middle  of  the 
river.  The  way  to  get  wool  is  to  wait  until  noon,  as 
the  sheep  go  into  the  woods  to  rest  at  that  time,  rub  up 
against  the  trunks  of  trees  as  they  pass  along  and  leave 
bunches  of  wool  sticking  to  the  bark.  When  they  go  away 
you  can  get  all  the  wool  you  can  carry."  She  took  his 
advice,  and  at  noontide  she  pulled  an  armful  of  golden 
wool  and  took  it  to  Venus,  as  requested.  Venus  told  her 
she  knew  full  w^ell  some  god  had  assisted  her,  as  she 
deemed  it  impossible  she  should  have  plucked  the  wool 
so  quickly  from  such  a  dangerous  bunch  of  all-wool 
merinos. 

"I  will  put  you  to  another  test,"  she  said,  "and  this 
time  I  will  keep  you  guessing,  as  it  will  be  a  severe  one. 
T  will  yet  find  out  to  my  entire  satisfaction  whether  a 
cheap  mortal  like  you  is  worthy  of  my  son.  Take  this 
chocolate-cream  box  and  make  your  way  to  the  infernal 
shades.     Hand  it  to  Proserpine  to  fill  with  some  of  her 


314 


A  BUNDLE  OF  SUNSHINE.  315 

beauty  paint.  Do  not  forget  to  tell  her  it  is  for  me.  You 
must  return  before  evening,  as  I  have  a  date  to-night  with 
the  gods  and  goddesses,  and  I  need  the  contents  of  the 
beauty  box  with  which  to  retouch  my  face.  Tell  her,  also, 
that  I  have  been  sitting  up  day  and  night  doctoring 
Cupid's  burned  shoulder  upon  which  you  dropped  hot 
grease,  and  with  the  loss  of  sleep  I  have  lost  some  of  my 
beauty;  in  fact,  I  look  like  the  deuce." 

Psyche  dreaded  the  trip,  as  she  had  never  traveled  the 
road  to  the  dark  shades  below,  and  besides  she  had  not 
the  least  idea  of  how  to  start.  She  climbed  to  the  crag 
of  a  mountain  to  give  herself  a  good  send-off.  She 
thought  the  best  way  to  make  a  short  trip  would  be  to 
jump  head  first  into  space.  As  she  was  about  to  make 
the  fatal  leap  she  heard  a  voice,  which  said : 

"Say,  Psyche,  what  is  the  matter  with  you  ?  Are  you 
going  to  commit  suicide?  Don't  you  know  if  you  make 
that  leap  you  will  break  your  marriage  vow  ?  Now,  don't 
be  foolish.  If  you  are  on  a  trip  to  Pluto's  realm,  take 
the  road  that  will  lead  you  by  Cerberus — the  big  roan 
dog  with  three  heads.  That  is  the  only  safe  route.  You 
must  see  Charon,  who  runs  the  ferry  across  that  inky- 
looking  river,  and  make  arrangements  to  have  him  set 
you  over.  Fix  it  with  him  so  you  can  get  back,  for  if 
you  fail  to  return — well,  you  know  the  rest.  When  you 
see  Proserpine,  get  your  box  of  beauty  paint  and  start 
back  at  once,  for  that  is  a  bad  place  in  which  to  loaf. 
Above  all  things,  don't  get  a  curious  spell  on  you  and 
try  to  open  the  box — remember  that." 

She  made  the  trip  in  safety ;  got  the  box  filled  with 
the  precious  commodity,  and  started  to  return  to  the 
temple  of  Venus.  On  the  road  she  was  seized  with  a 
curiosity  to  open  that  box  and  put  a  little  of  the  beauty 
paint  on  her  own  face,  in  order  to  look  well  in  the  sight  of 
Cupid.    She  opened  the  box — and  found  it  empty.    That 


A   BUNDLE    OF  SUNSHINE.  317 

moment  she  dropped  to  the  ground,  took  on  one  of  those 
deep,  Stygian  sleeps,  and  appeared  as  one  dead. 

By  this  time  Cupid  had  about  recovered  from  his 
burn  and  was  able  to  fly  about.  He  was  tired  being  alone, 
and  the  moment  Psyche  fell  in  the  road  he  had  a  pre- 
sentiment that  something  was  wrong.  He  crawled  out 
through  the  window  of  his  mother's  temple  and  flew  to 
where  Psyche  was  sleeping.  He  took  the  spell  from  her, 
put  the  beauty  paint  in  the  box  and  reproved  her  for  being 
so  curious.  He  loved  her,  and  wanted  to  break  her  of 
the  curiosity  habit.  He  pointed  up  toward  the  earth  and 
told  her  to  hasten  to  his  mother  with  the  box,  and  not  to 
worry  any  longer  as  he  would  do  the  rest. 

While  she  was  on  the  road,  Cupid  went  over  to  see 
Jupiter,  and  laid  his  case  before  him,  as  he  was  very 
anxious  to  get  Psyche  back  again  and  make  her  immortal. 
Jupiter  was  kind  to  Cupid,  and  to  show  that  he  was  all 
right  he  took  a  trip  to  the  temple  of  Venus.  He  gave 
Venus  a  nice  long  hot-air  talk  and  got  her  consent  to 
allow  the  pair  of  lovers  to  get  together  again.  He  then 
sent  Mercury  to  bring  Psyche  up  to  the  heavenly  assem- 
bly. When  she  arrived,  they  had  a  big  time  in  her  honor. 
She  took-a  drink  with  a  few  of  the  way-up  gods  and  was 
made  immortal.  She  also  got  the  assurance  from  them 
that  Cupid  would  never  again  give  her  the  shake. 

Here  endeth  the  story  of  Cupid  and  Psyche. 


A  PROFESSIONAL  WEEPER. 


AM   \\'.    HURDLE    was  born,  by  per- 

,  mission,  a  little  after  sunset  in  the 
fall  of  1859,  and  has  lived  contin- 
uously since.  At  the  age  of  two  he 
asked  his  father  if  he  was  living  in 
a  free  country.  His  father  replied 
that  the  country  was  tamped  full  of 
freedom  clean  up  to  its  throatlatch ; 
but  that,  unfortunately,  he  was  born 
in  the  District  of  Columbia,  and 
would  never  be  allowed  to  vote  in 
that  community,  unless  it  was  on 
the  quiet,  and  even  then  his  vote 
would  not  be  counted.  From  that  hour  Sam  commenced 
to  weep,  and  he  has  continued  weeping  unto  this  day. 

He  has  a  technical  training  in  several  professions ;  but 
weeping  is  his  specialty.  He  will  go  three  or  four  miles 
out  of  his  way  just  to  find  something  to  weep  about.  The 
habit  is  so  fastened  upon  his  system  that  he  seems  to 
enjoy  it. 

In  his  youth  he  became  a  first-class  somnambulist. 
Even  yet  he  will  somnamble  into  a  graveyard  when  the 
night  is  wild  and  dangerous.  It  is  on  such  occasions  he 
turns  on  the  spigot  and  the  briny  fluid  flows.  He  will 
lean  up  against  the  silent  tombs  and  sob  and  sigh  over 
all  denominations.  The  fact  that  it  might  be  a  strange 
graveyard  would  make  no  difference. 

318 


A    BUN  DLL    OF  SUNSHINE.  319 

The  day  he  was  twenty-one  he  said  to  his  father : 

"Pa,  I  am  of  age  to-day,  and  I  desire  to  do  for 
myself." 

"What  business  have  you  decided  to  take  up?"  asked 
his  father 

"I  think  I  would  Hke  to  be  a  travehng  man." 

"A  travehng  man?" 

"Yes,  sir.    I  know  I  would  be  a  great  success." 

"But,  my  son,  that  business  is  liable  to  get  you  into 
bad  habits,  as  you  would  have  so  many  chances  to  learn 
how  to  drink  rum  and  play  seven-up." 

"No,  pa,  never !  Not  on  your  zinc  etching..  There  is 
only  one  line  of  goods  I  would  sell,  and  there  would  be 
no  occasion  for  me  to  use  emery  paper  on  my  breath  at 
any  time,  as  no  one  ever  calls  for  drinks  wdiile  in  that 
business." 

"What  line  of  goods  do  you  refer  to?" 

"Gravestones." 

"Well,  I  guess  you  are  right.  Selling  gravestones 
is  about  the  most  serious  business  you  could  choose,  so 
you  have  my  full  consent." 

Sam  was  not  long  in  securing  a  position  with  a  grave- 
stone concern.  They  gave  him  a  long  list  of  people's 
names  from  whom  he  might  be  able  to  take  some  orders. 
He  told  them  that  he  did  not  care  for  the  list,  as  he  would 
pick  out  his  own  customers.  "I  have  a  system  of  my 
own,"  he  said.  "The  only  persons  I  will  call  upon  are 
those  who  have  just  lost  a  relative." 

His  idea  was  a  good  one,  as  he  made  it  a  point 
to  go  right  into  a  house  w^iere  the  family  was  grieving. 
He  would  sympathize  with  them  for  a  few  minutes,  and 
then  begin  to  weep.  He  was  considered  the  best  all- 
round  single-handed  weeper  in  the  country.  It  was  then 
he  would  tell  his  business,  and  between  sobs  he  would 
make  a  cut  price  on  a  tall  gravestone.     Being  such  a 


320  A    BUNDLE   OF   SUNSHINE. 

successful  weeper,  he  always  ttniched  the  hearts  of  the 
family,  and  took  an  order. 

While  in  this  business,  he  wept  so  long  and  faithfully 
that  his  lachrymal  ducts  got  clogged  up.  When  I  say  lach- 
rymal, I  do  not  know  what  I  am  talking  about,  since  that 
word  belongs  to  a  dialect  spoken  only  by  physicians.  I 
will  simply  say  tear  duct  and  let  it  go  at  that.  Any  way 
Avhen  Sam's  tear  ducts  refused  to  work  it  assisted  him 
materially  in  weeping,  for  then  he  cried  all  the  time. 
He  did  not  wait  for  weeping  hours,  but  just  kept  on  cry- 
ing day  and  night.  If  any  one  stopped  to  tell  him  a  joke 
or  a  funny  story,  tears  would  stream  down  his  cheeks, 
as  though  he  had  lost  all  his  relatives. 

His  business  kept  on  increasing.  There  was  not  a 
graveyard  in  the  whole  country  where  his  brand  of  hand 
polished  monuments  could  not  be  seen. 

While  he  was  very  well  pleased  with  the  business, 
he  fancied  he  would  like  to  try  something  else  and 
obtained  employment  with  an  accident  insurance  com- 
pany. At  this  he  was  also  very  successful,  as  he  made  it  a 
point  to  talk  to  the  wives  of  men  who  were  employed  at 
some  hazardous  work. 

The  following  will  give  some  idea  of  how  he  put  his 
case  before  a  woman  whose  husband  was.liable  to  come 
home  any  night  packed  in  saw-dust : 

"My  dear  madam  (turning  on  his  tears),  excuse  me 
for  being  a  rank  stranger  to  you;  but  my  name  is  Sam 
Hurdle.  I  am  representing  the  Death  Guarantee  Accident 
Insurance  Company  (sobs  and  weeps),  and  I  came  here 
to  bring  you  a  gleam  of  hope.  Is  your  husband  insured 
against  accidents  and  death?" 

"No,  sir,  he  is  not;  but  I  have  often  thought  he  ought 
to  be." 

"Well.  I  am  very  sorry  for  you,  madam.  (Then  his 
leaky  tear  ducts  wouUl  shower  tears  on  the  floor  like 


A   BUNDLE   OF  SUNSHINE.  321 

drops  (.»f  rain  on  a  tin  roof.)  You  sec,  my  object  is  to 
insure  your  husband  against  getting-  killed.  It  is  of 
grave  importance  to  you,  madam.  You  know  not  the 
hour  when  your  husband  may  be  run  over  by  a  train  of 
sixteen  hea\y  freight  cars,  and  be  brought  to  your  very 
door  a  mass  of  unrecognizable  humanity.  Think  of  it, 
madam;  (voice  trembling)  you  would  be  left  destitute, 
homeless,  hungry,  helpless  and  a  poor  widow  woman  with 
nine  children.  Can  you  contemplate,  my  dear  woman, 
what  an  awful  thing  it  is  to  be  left  without  a  husband, 
without  a  cent,  and  bareheaded.  You  may  not  have  even 
a  bacon  rind  with  which  to  grease  the  skillet.  So  I  say, 
woman,  do  not  procrastinate,  but  have  your  husband  in- 
sure in  our  company  at  once." 

The  poor  woman  was  moved  to  tears  herself.  She 
requested  Sam  to  say  nothing  more  on  the  subject;  as 
she  was  willing  to  get  her  husband  insured  for  five  thou- 
sand dollars.  She  requested  him  to  call  the  next  day,  as 
by  that  time  she  would  have  sold  most  of  her  furniture 
and  could  pay  the  premium. 

When  Sam  thought  he  was  the  leact  bit  shy  on  weep- 
ing power,  he  would  go  into  the  woods  and  sit  on  a 
barbed  wire  fence  for  a  spell,  as  he  knew  this  would  in- 
crease his  grief.  In  the  insurance  business  he  did  well ; 
but  again  he  decided  to  try  something  else.  This  time 
he  went  to  New  York  city.  The  first  thing  he  did  was 
to  look  up  a  morgue,  to  keep  his  tear  valves  in  good 
working  order  until  he  found  the  kind  of  work  that  suited 
him.  After  weeping  in  the  morgue  for  several  days,  he 
heard  through  an  undertaker  of  a  vacancy  in  the  position 
of  olTficial  pall-bearer.  It  did  not  take  Sam  long  to  secure 
the  job.  He  gave  references  which  showed  him  to  be 
one  of  the  most  dead-in-earnest  mourners  in  the  whole 
country. 


322  A    BUNDLE   OF   SUNSHINE. 

One  of  the  three  other  pall-bearers  with  whom  he 
worked  daily  said  to  him  one  day  as  the  four  were  return- 
ing from  the  cemetery : 

"Mr.  Hurdle,  I  would  like  to  ask  you  a  question.  I 
have  made  twenty-seven  trips  to  the  cemetery  with  you, 
and  notice  that  each  time  you  were  very  much  aggrieved 
and  wept  bitterly.  Now,  may  I  ask,  if  all  these  corpses 
were  related  to  you  while  they  lived?'' 

"No,  not  one  of  them;  they  were  all  dead  strangers 
to  me." 

"Yes,  I  knew  that  they  were  all  dead,  but  never  for 
once  did  I  think  they  were  strangers,  the  way  you 
took  on." 

"The  reason  I  wept,  is  because  that  is  my  business.  I 
have  a  standing  challenge  to  outwecp  any  man  that  ever 
attended  a  funeral.  Weeping  is  in  my  line.  I  w^eep  all 
the  time,  I  weep  for  and  against,  and  I  weep  on  all  occa- 
sions. One  day  I  saw  a  woodman  in  the  forest  with  his 
ax,  and  I  wept.  I  wept  the  night  I  got  married,  and  I 
have  wept  ever  since." 

He  acted  as  official  pall-bearer  for  several  years,  and 
it  has  been  said  since  he  left  New  York  that  he  was  the 
best  catch-as-catch-can  weeper  that  America  has  ever  pro- 
duced. 

After  giving  up  the  pall-bearing  business  he  drifted 
to  Chicago,  where  he  took  up  the  business  of  singing  at 
funerals.  At  this  work  he  has  no  peer.  He  only  sings 
now  as  a  kind  of  a  side  line.  He  is  principally  engaged  in 
conducting  a  haberdashery  in  the  Fisher  building.  In 
conversation  some  time  ago,  I  asked  him  what  class  of 
songs  he  sang  at  funerals. 

"I  sometimes  sing  'Beyond  the  Smiling  and  the  Weep- 
ing,' "  he  said. 

"Speaking  of  weeping,  do  you  weep  any  harder  when 
you  sing  that  song,  than  you  do  in  any  other  ?" 


•   A   BUNDLE   OF  SUNSHINE.  323 

"No,  I  can't  say  that  I  do.  You  see,  a  professional 
weeper  weeps  about  the  same  way  all  the  time.  Once  in 
a  while  I  sing  '.Vrt  thou  weary,  art  thou  languid.'  This 
song  is  a  favorite  of  mine,  as  it  is  so  applicable  to  my 
profession.  By  the  way,  have  you  ever  seen  me  languid 
or  weary?" 

"No,  I  cannot  say  that  I  have." 

"Well,  sir,  you  should  see  me  get  on  one  of  my  loose- 
fitting  languid  spells.  I  never  do  anything  by  halves. 
When  I  get  languid  I  am  truly  serious  about  it." 

"How  is  it  that  you  went  into  the  furnishing  goods 
business.     Is  that  considered  a  serious  proposition?" 

"Is  it?  Well,  you  should  try  it  once  in  Chicago. 
No  man  living  could  make  it  pay  unless  he  was  serious 
clean  up  to  the  neck.  That  is  the  only  way  I  can  win 
out.  I  do  not  have  to  weep  in  this  business,  but,  sir,  it 
stands  me  in  hand  to  keep  by  me  a  car  load  of  conver- 
sational power  and  a  devil  of  a  lot  of  seriousness.  Be- 
sides this  business,  every  once  in  a  while  I  get  a  chance 
to  sell  a  gravestone,  and  that  helps  some." 

"With  all  the  success  you  have  had  in  your  several 
branches  of  business,  you  have  been  able  to  save  up  quite 
a  little  of  this  world's  goods,  have  you  not?" 

"Well,  now,  I  do  not  know  that  it  is  any  of  your 
business ;  however,  I  have  made  in  my  time  a  great  deal 
of  money.  It  was  not  properly  cured,  however,  or  else 
it  was  frost  bitten  or  sunburnt,  or  something  of  that  kind. 
Anyway  it  would  not  keep." 

"Excuse  me  for  interrupting,  but  you  say  you  still 
sell  gravestones?" 

"Yes,  now  and  then  when  I  get  a  chance ;  but  I  cannot 
sell  one  unless  I  prepare  for  it." 

"Prepare  for  it?  What  do  you  mean;  get  yourself 
in  talking  order?" 


324  A    BUNDLE   OF   SUXSHIXE. 

"No,  I  have  to  get  myself  in  weeping-  order." 
"I  thought  you  told  me  you  were  always  in  weeping 
order." 

"So  I  did,  but  I  forgot  to  tell  you  that  since  I  have 
been  in  the  furnishing  goods  line  my  physician  has  intro- 
duced two  silver  nails  into  my  tear  ducts.  These  cut  out 
the  weeping  and  the  extra  sobs  when  I  do  not  need  them. 
So  you  see  when  I  get  a  chance  to  sell  a  gravestone  I 
just  pull  out  these  two  six-penny  silver  nails  and  start  the 
tears  flowing.  Oh,  yes,  sir,  I  do  certainly  know  my  busi- 
ness. I  met  a  woman  the  other  day — a  girl  of  rare  old 
vintage.  She  had  lost  her  sweetheart  in  Cuba  and  she 
wanted  a  monument  to  place  at  the  head  of  his  grave. 
Well,  I  lifted  the  silver  nails  and  cried  her  into  the  notion 
of  buying  a  thousand-dollar  gravestone.  I'll  tell  you, 
Mr.  Woodruf-^  the  right  kind  of  weeping  pays,  and  if  you 
ever  need  any  of  my  weeps,  send  for  me.  The  only  thing 
I  hate  about  the  business  is  this :  I  am,  of  course,  cogni- 
zant of  the  fact — that  awful,  inevitable  fact — that  the 
time  will  come  when  I  must  lie  down  and  turn  my  corn- 
laden  toes  to  the  cerulean  skies,  and  I  am  afraid  the 
friends  who  come  to  weep  over  my  dead  body  will  turn 
the  weeping  into  a  joke  and  make  a  farce  of  my  funeral." 


HE  SAVED  MY  LIFE- 


^ 

Bt*r\ 

^/»Di\ 

yicg 

iJu 

?W 

y  F  I  should  live  to  be  87  years  old  (which 
I  know  I  will,  if  Father  Time  does  not 
telephone  me  to  make  an  unexpected 
trip  to  the  unknown),  I  can  never  for- 
get the  wise  counsel  of  Dr.  George  F. 
Butler,  vice  president  and  medical  super- 
intendent of  the  Alma,  Mich.,  San- 
itarium. 

He  is  a  man  of  hiuraligy  and 
strong  psychobunction.  It  matters 
not  with  what  a  patient  is  pestered, 
whether  lightness  of  the  top  flat,  in- 
somnia of  the  liver,  hemorrhage  of 
the  roechinaeus  or  complete  disen- 
integration  of  the  adipose  tissue;  he 
can  make  them  look  new  and  put  them  on  a  healthy  basis, 
so  they  can  go  out  into  the  cold  world  and  shift  for  them- 
selves. It  is  not  my  intention  to  go  too  deep  into  the 
science  of  medicine  or  the  effects  and  results  of  diseases 
in  man,  as  I  am  better  posted  on  the  treatment  of  ailing 
horses  and  mules,  having  been  a  student  for  some  time 
in  a  veterinary  college. 

It  always  hurts  me,  when  I  wish  to  run  in  a  lot  of 
heavy  weight  panegyrics  to  fit  some  one  to  whom  I  wish 
to  show  my  gratitude  and  full  grown  appreciations  for 
services  rendered.  I  only  wish  I  was  away  up  in  high 
C  on  the  doctor  business,  then  I  could  put  a  dress  suit  on 

325 


o26  A   BUNDLE   OF  SUNSHINE. 

my  language  and  show  Dr.  Butler  how  I  feel  toward  him 
for  saving  my  life  without  the  aid  of  drugs. 

Two  years  ago,  I  was  under  the  impression  that  my 
time  on  this  earth  was  short,  as  I  verily  believed  that  I 
was  the  proprietor  of  an  incurable  disease.  I  could  see 
myself  slowly  drifting  into  my  last  resting  place.  I  well 
knew  that  I  could  not  live  long,  as  I  had  every  reason  to 
believe  I  was  afiflicted  with  that  dreaded  disease — loco- 
motor ataxia.  I  called  at  the  doctor's  office  and  made  a 
clean  breast  of  my  trouble. 

"What  reason  have  you  to  believe  that  you  have  loco- 
motor ataxia  ?"  he  inquired. 

"I  have  every  reason  to  think  so.  My  nerves  show 
signs  of  degeneration.  This  alone  is  discouraging,  as  I 
have  always  prided  myself  on  my  nerve.  I  have  ocular 
symptoms;  that  is,  seeing  things  double.  Then  my  ina- 
bility to  get  a  sudden  move  on  myself  is  very  noticeable. 
To  maintain  my  equilibrium  is  a  difficult  task.  My  feet 
will  not  track.  My  walk  is  on  the  serpentine  order. 
There  are  times  when  it  is  necessary  to  have  a  man  on 
each  side  of  me.  Then  my  speech  is  not  reliable,  as  I 
have  an  impediment." 

"Are  these  symptoms  continuous?" 

"Oh,  no.  doctor.     I  have  them  just  once  in  awhile." 

"Well,  I  am  afraid  as  a  diagnostician  you  are  not  up 
to  date.     Can  you  w^alk  straight  in  the  dark  ?" 

"Xot  at  all  times.  I  sometimes  walk  a  little  on  the 
bias  in  day  light." 

"You  see,  locomotor  ataxia — often  called  tabes  dor- 
salis,  progressive  spinal  paralysis,  neuro-spinal  tabes,  or 
progressive  locomotor  asynergia — is  a  very  serious 
trouble." 

"Now,  doctor,  if  you  have  any  respect  for  me,  stop 
right  there.  Don't  throw  those  big  words  around  so 
careless  like,  unless  you  can  in  some  way  cheapen  them 


327 


328  A   BUNDLE   OF  SUNSHINE. 

and  cut  them  down  to  my  size.  When  it  comes  to  speak- 
ing the  Choctaw  and  Sioux  languages,  why,  I  am  right 
there  with  the  goods;  but  l)eyond  that  I  am  a  dead  one. 
If  you  want  to  talk  to  me  about  this  disease,  please  make 
it  a  point  to  use  words  with  not  more  than  two  joints  in 
them." 

"Why.  these  are  very  cheap  words.  Take,  for  in- 
stance tabes  dorsalis ;  the  Hippocratic  authors  several  hun- 
dred years  before  the  birth  of  Christ  considered  that  a 
very  common  word ;  and  a  word  so  gray  with  age  should 
not  appear  to  you  as  a  stranger.  Locomotor  ataxia  is  a 
degenerative  disease,  having  a  front  seat  in  the  sensory 
nervous  system;  affecting,  as  a  rule,  both  cerebral  and 
peripheral  portions.  In  cases  fully  developed  a  patient 
may  be  on  the  look  out  for  radiating,  defective  tactile 
pains;  loss  of  muscle  reflex  action,  more  especially  the 
patella  tendon  reflex.  You  see,  when  the  nervous  system 
is  affected  it  is  characterized  clinically  by  incoordination, 
trophic  and  sensory  disturbances.  I  use  these  common 
terms  to  make  it  clear  to  your  mind.  Are  you  troubled 
with  biliousness?" 

"No,  sir,  none  to  speak  of,  only  a  phrenologist  once 
told  me  I  had  a  bilious  temperament,  while  my  brother 
had  a  sanguine  temperament.  I  thought  at  the  time  he 
would  not  have  said  this  about  my  brother  if  he  had  not 
been  red  headed." 

"Run  your  tongue  out  about  eighteen  inches,  please." 

As  I  did  so  he  turned  my  face  to  one  side. 

"How  long  have  you  been  carrying  this  vulcanized 
breath  around  with  you?"  he  asked. 

*'I  really  cannot  say,"  I  replied;  "my  friends  notice  it 
more  than  I  do." 

"I  will  prescribe  some  disinfectant,  for  if  a  weakly 
person  should  get  one  whiff  it  would  more  than  likely  pro- 
duce blind  staggers,  which  might  prove  fatal.     I  notice 


A   BUNDLE   Of  SUNSHINE.  329 

that  you  do  not  need  pants  and  vest,  the  coat  on  your 
tongue  is  heavy  enough  to  take  the  place  of  a  whole  suit. 
Are  you  troubled  any  with  rheumatism  or  quinsy?" 

"Not  to  my  knowledge." 

"You  say  that  you  have  double  visions." 

"Yes,  sir,  once  in  a  while." 

"When  are  you  troubled  that  way?" 

"Only  when  I  go  out  with  the  gang  and  take  in  a  few 
hundred  places  where  liquor  is  sold." 

"Does  the  gang  see  double?" 

"Oh,  yes,  sir;  they  all  get  into  the  same  fix.  The 
fact  is,  they  have  the  same  symptoms." 

"Does  your  hair  pull  much?" 

"Very  much." 

"Have  you  headache  ?" 

"I  should  say  so." 

"Do  you  have  a  bad  taste  in  your  mouth  the  next 
day?" 

"Do  I?     Well,  I  should  remark;  the  worst  ever.     It 

is  simply  fierce." 

"Is  it  on  the  occasion  of  going  out  with  the  gang, 
as  you  call  it  that  you  do  not  walk  straight?" 

"Yes,  sir;  it  is  on  such  occasions  that  I  have  all  the 
symptoms  of  locomotor  ataxia." 

*'0h,  yes,  I  see.  Well,  you  have,  as  I  thought,  made 
a  wrong  diagnosis  of  your  case.  It  is  not  locomotor 
ataxia  that  you  have.  It  is  what  we  call  acute  rum-ingitis. 
All  you  have  to  do  is  to  take  an  oath  that  you  will  stop 
drinking.  No  doubt  you  can  proudly  boast  of  being  the 
hero  of  many  jags,  and  it  is  time  for  you  to  stop :  then  all 
those  disagreeable  symptoms  will  leave  you.  Your  sys- 
tem is  not  constructed  to  stand  up  under  so  much  poison. 
A  man's  being  is  like  the  workings  of  a  watch.  If  you 
treat  a  watch  well  it  will  run  for  you  and  keep  time ;  but 
if  you  open  it  up  to  disagreeable  elements  the  hair  spring 


330  A   BUNDLE   OF   SUNSHINE. 

will  rnst  and  you  couldn't  hire  it  to  run  without  treat- 
ment. Every  little  wheel  and  spring  has  a  duty  which 
it  will  not  perform  unless  properly  cared  for  and  treated 
right.  The  same  with  your  system;  every  organ  has  a 
function  which  it  cannot  perform  unless  you  treat  it  well. 
If  you  have  a  sick  liver,  your  whole  system  is  on  the  bum 
until  you  treat  your  liver  as  it  should  be  treated.  You 
cannot  blame  a  liver  for  going  to  sleep  on  you,  and  not 
doing  its  turn  when  you  give  it  wormwood  in  place  of 
balm.  An  actor  will  not  half  work  if  he  knows  his  salary 
is  not  coming  on  time.  So  there  you  are;  now  will  you 
be  good  ? 

"Liquor  is  a  terrible  thing  to  fool  with  my  friend.  It 
is  the  disgrace  of  a  nation,  the  contaminater  of  politics 
and  the  disturber  of  society.  Many  people  try  to  handle 
liquor  in  moderation,  but  they  soon  grow  tired  of  that, 
and  then  they  begin  to  handle  it  in  gallon  jugs.  When 
you  want  a  drink  go  to  a  pump,  then  the  board  of  health 
will  not  be  after  you  about  the  condition  of  your  breath." 

"Your  advice  is  good,  doctor,  but  while  I  think  of  it 
(pardon  me  for  changing  the  subject),  is  there  any  cure 
for  locomotor  ataxia?" 

"Yes,  there  is  a  cure.  The  only  thing  a  patient  can 
do  is  to  take  a  trip  abroad  in  a  sailing  vessel,  one  that  is 
leaky  and  unsafe.  The  trip  should  be  taken  during  the 
equinoxial  storms  and  be  sure  to  board  a  ship  that  can 
never  weather  the  storm.     That  is  a  sure  cure." 

"I  thank  you  very  much,  doctor,  for  this  consultation. 
I  will  begin  at  once  to  change  my  ways." 

From  that  day  to  this  I  have  never  allowed  whisky. 
beer,  gin,  wine,  porter  or  ale  to  pass  my  lips.  I  stick 
right  to  brandy. 


A  SUCCESSFUL  FAILURE. 

ESTER  HADLEY  admitted  openly  that  as  a  mis- 
fit business  man  he  was  a  failure.     Yet  he  was 
contumacious  and  much  stronger  in  satire  than 
in  erudition.     For  a  silly  reason  his  father  took 
him  out  of  school  at  an  early  age. 
►.-■  v.V-vyi%;'i;".i;---..       He  had  gone  through  subtraction 
'^■\i^i<'^^-^'^^''-     ^"^  multiplication,  but  his  father 
*:  l  ■•^'i' ■'^(^C'f  S..     stopped  him,   for  the  reason  he 
■^"^^'^  j^.^'-i?-.!--''-     tlid  not  believe  in  division.     He 
''"      *    "      "      said  he  had  toiled  for  many  years 


,  ■  •,    ..   „/- — i,     saici  lie  naci  lonea  lor  niaiiv  ycais 
>?  .■■■-■■'    -.M-^-     r     to  save   up  some  thmg  for  old 


^  ^b^'f-^  tiC''-"^  '       ^§^^'  ^"^  ^^^  meant  to  keep  it.     He 
<  •  M  .  ; .  •  «^.  ■  thought  division  was  a  poor  thing 

to  teach  a  boy.  So  Lester  had  to  leave  school.  This,  of 
course,  put  a  damper  on  his  success  in  life.  He  was  ambi- 
tious, however,  and  wanted  to  make  his  mark. 

At  times  he  was  kept  busy  setting  down  the  innumer- 
able drove  of  thoughts  that  trotted  through  the  broad 
thoroughfare  of  his  brain.  He  considered  each  thought 
as  it  passed.  One  was  a  bulldog  in  war ;  another,  a  lamb 
in  peace,  and  another,  a  belligerent,  which  he  might  or 
might  not  stop  to  placate.  His  object  was  to  buckle  on 
to  a  happy  thought;  one  that  he  could  harness  up  and 
hitch  to  the  jump-cart  of  prosperity  and  drive  away  to 
success. 

One  day  he  was  firmlv  impressed  with  the  idea  that 
he  should  launch  into  the  horseshoeing  business.     The 

331 


332  A    BiWDLE   OF  SUNSHINE. 

next  day.  lie  would  call  himself  an  idiot  for  having  such 
a  crazy  thought,  as  he  knew  that  he  was  cut  out  for  a 
soldier.     And  so  on.  he  kept  himself  husy  guessing. 

In  his  early  life  he  was  told  hy  his  father  that  he 
should  be  an  artist.  This  he  tried  for  three  years,  but 
somehow  he  failed.  The  best  he  could  do  was  to  draw 
his  salary.  He  went  back  to  his  father  with  a  depleted 
exchequer  and  a  full  set  of  custom-made  vituperations. 
His  father  did  not  take  kindly  to  this  style  of  art,  so  in 
an  angry  moment  he  told  the  boy  that  he  could  consider 
his  propinquity  called  off. 

He  then  went  out  into  the  woods,  where  he  could  be 
alone,  and  had  another  reverie  of  thought  chasing.  His 
irregular  train  of  thoughts  got  uncoupled  and  went  into 
the  ditch.  When  he  recovered  he  was  forced  to  believe 
by  his  own  influence  and  recommendation  that  he  was  a 
natural  born  poet.  He  went  at  this  work  with  all  serious- 
ness and  earnestness  and  kept  himself  busy  for  many 
months.  He  is  today  the  author  of  several  hundred 
poems.  He  submitted  many  of  them  to  papers  and  mag- 
azines, but  it  was  at  a  time  when  they  were  all  over- 
stocked. He  waited  long  in  vain  to  see  one  of  his  poems 
in  print.  His  physician  told  him  he  had  a  wrong  im- 
pression about  his  abilit}'.  and  that  he  was  not  a  poet,  but 
was  afflicted  with  St.  Vitus'  dance. 

The  question  before  him  then  was  what  to  try  next. 
Some  one  told  him  money  was  to  be  made  with  insect 
powder,  so  he  started  a  factory. 

The  first  thing  he  did  after  he  was  ready  to  supply  the 
demand  was  to  get  out  a  card  reading: 

"Get  ready  to  fight.     The  time  is  upon  us  for  bugs. 

"Do  flies  make  too  free  with  you  ? 

"Are  the  fangs  of  a  bed  bug  poisonous  to  you? 

"Does  your  husband  leave  the  screen  door  open? 


A   BUNDLE   OF  SUNSHINE.  333 

"Do  cockroaches  roost  in  your  kitchen? 
"Are  the  women  folks  bothered  with  fleas? 
"Do  gnats  use  your  milk  pan  as  a  swimming  pool  ? 
"Does  it  bother  you  for  a  couple  of  thousand  flies  to 
walk  out  of  a  pan  of  molasses  and  light  on  your  face? 

"If  this  is  the  case  at  your  house,  then  call  for  Lester 
Hadley's  Sudden  Death  Insect  Powder.  I  guarantee 
that  if  a  living  insect  ever  takes  one  snootful  of  this  pow- 
der it  will  get  on  its  back  and  play  dead,  and  the  part  it 
plays  will  be  no  josh.  Get  vour  insects  in  line  and  begm 
hostilities  at  once. 

"Cash  price,  25  cents— credit,  $9." 
The  card  was  a  hit,  and  his  business  was  good  from 
the  start.     He  was  happy  to  think  that  he  had  lassoed  a 
thought  that  would  win. 

Every  one  who  used  his  powder  swore  flat  footed  it 
was  the  best  knock-down-and-drag-out  exterminator  that 
ever  shut  off  the  wind  of  an  insect.  He  received  several 
testimonials  on  its  merits.     One  read: 

"Dear  Sir :  After  seeing  your  advertisement,  I  tried 
your  powder.  I  may  say  beforehand  that  our  neigh- 
bors accused  us  of  having  more  fleas  than  any  one  in  the 
county.  I  bought  one  package  of  your  powder  on  a 
credit  basis.  I  got  a  gallon  or  so  of  insects  together  and 
began  to  feed  them— not  with  a  spoon,  but  with  dexterity. 
Fleas  are  phlebotomists  by  profession,  and  we  have  been 
flea-bitten  and  flea-ridden  until  we  were  about  ready  to 
flee  from  home.  We  are  truly  thankful  to  get  a  powder 
that  will  make  an  insect  behave. 

"Yours  truly,         A  Sufferer." 

Another  wrote : 

"Dear  Mr.  Hadley :  This  is  to  say  that  I  tried  your 
Sudden  Death  Insect  Powder,  and  am  frank  to  confess 
that  it  is  just  the  thing  to  rid  the  place  of  the  regular 


334  A    BUNDLE    OF  SUNSHINE. 

summer  household  pests.  Any  brand  of  insects  that  dal- 
lies with  your  powder  is  a  dead  one.  1  have  recom- 
mended it  to  several  of  my  friends,  as  I  know  they 
need  it. 

"Yours  very  respt.,         Silas  Doone."" 

All  this  made  Lester  feel  that  his  fortune  was  made, 
and  on  the  strength  of  such  good  prospects  he  decided  to 
get  married,  as  he  had  saved  up  a  few  dollars  for  that 
purpose.  The  one  of  his  choice  was  a  little,  black-eyed 
beauty,  who  could  sing  like  a  meadow-lark.  She  could 
smoke  a  violet-scented,  gold-tipped  cigarette,  and  handle 
a  carbine  like  a  sportsman.  Her  saucy,  brunette  face  and 
big  graphite  eyes  kept  Lester  in  a  whirl  of  admiration, 
and  made  him  a  most  passionate  adorer.  He  was  aware 
of  the  fact  that  she  had  other  adorers — more  than  she 
could  count  on  her  fingers.  She  would  lend  a  friendly 
ear  to  their  protestations,  but  that  was  all.  She  cared 
not  for  them. 

Lester  was  her  homestead  and  pre-emption  claim  all 
sowed  and  planted,  and  she  expected  to  harvest  a  crop  of 
joy  and  bliss.  If  there  was  anything  delusive  and  shad- 
owy about  this  brilliant,  sparkling  stream  of  love,  Lester 
did  not  know  it. 

The  wedding  was  to  take  place  at  night. 

While  Lester  was  somewhat  pastoral  in  his  manners, 
his  finance  was  a  metropolitan  pure  and  simple.  The 
wedding  came  off  as  per  arrangement  and  both  seemed 
happy.  They  started  in  light  housekeeping  and  the  busi- 
ness continued  good  until  winter.  The  first  cold  snap 
came  early  and  froze  all  the  insects.  And  to  make  mat- 
ters w^orse,  one  night  his  factory  burned  to  the  ground. 
He  had  no  insurance,  and  consequently  all  he  had  left 
was  a  gasoline  cook  stove  and  a  town-raised  wife.  Every- 
thing went  wrong.     His  money  was  gone,  his  business 


A    BUNDLE    OF   SUNSHINE.  335 

was  wrecked.  His  little  bewildering  ciueen  stood  for 
this  some  time  without  complaining,  but  at  last  grew 
dissatisfied.  Her  hopes  pickled  and  her  love  curdled. 
Her  golden  noontide  did  not  loom  up  much  brighter  than 
a  magic  lantern.  The  poor  woman's  thoughts  drifted  back- 
ward. The  joy  of  her  life  at  home  in  the  whirl  of  gay 
society  came  back  to  her  like  a  high  ball  to  a  thirsty 
printer  on  a  country  daily. 

She  was  sick  at  heart  and  could  think  only  of  her 
home.  Her  husband  was  up  a  sapling  and  her  love  for 
him  was  on  the  wane.  He  had  admitted  to  her  before 
marriage  that  as  a  business  man  he  was  a  successful  fail- 
ure, but  the  pupils  of  her  eyes  were  dilated  and  she  could 
not  see  very  well.  What  a  sad  thing  it  is  when  love  is 
so  blind  that  lovers  cannot  get  permission  from  society 
to  wear  green  goggles. 

It  is  true  Lester  loved  her  with  a  passion  simply  sav- 
age— fierce — one  of  those  burning  loves — but  he  well 
knew  that  he  could  not  hold  on  to  her  unless  he  provided. 
It  was  the  same  old  story,  "When  poverty  comes  in  at  the 
kitchen  door,  love  makes  a  sneak  through  the  transom." 

One  afternoon  Mrs.  Hadley  visited  an  old  schoolmate 
who  had  just  arrived  from  her  home  town.  She  was 
stopping  at  one  of  the  leading  hotels  and  was  registered  as 
Mrs.  Lorena  Baxter,  which  was  perfectly  correct. 

They  were  more  than  delighted  to  meet  and  their 
ecstasies  lasted  about  twenty  minutes. 

"Pray  tell  me  all  about  yourself,  Nettie,"  Mrs.  Bax- 
ter said  (she  had  always  called  Mrs.  Hadley  Nettie), 
"and  tell  me  all  the  news ;  don't  leave  out  anything." 

"Well,  I'll  tell  you,  I^rena;  it's  a  sad  story." 

"Why,  does  he  drink?" 

"No,  no,  not  that.  He  is  shy  on  funds,  and  you  know 
me.     No  man  can  trifle  with  mv  affections  unless  he  has 


336  A    BUNDLE    OF  SUNSHINE. 

a  large  amount  of  lucre.  To  make  a  long  story  short, 
Lester  is  short  on  lucre,  and  there  you  are,  and  here  am  I 
— all  broken  up  like  flint  stones  from  a  rock  crusher.  I 
have  not  been  out  for  a  'time'  since  I  became  his  wife." 

"Oh,  isn't  that  a  shame !"  said  Lorena.  "Wait  a  min- 
ute, there  must  be  a  button  around  my  room  somewhere. 
Yes,  here  it  is;  I'll  just  push  it."  She  walked  up  to  the 
left  of  the  dresser  and  rang  the  bell.  A  waiter  was  soon 
on  the  spot  to  answer  the  call. 

"Dearest,  what  will  you  have?"  Lorena  asked. 

"Oh,  I  don't  know  exactlv ;  what  are  you  going  to 
take?" 

"Now,  never  mind  me,  Nettie;  take  what  you  want." 

"Well,  how  would  a  gin  fizz  go?" 

"It  will  go  with  me  all  right." 

"Very  well,  let  it  go  double." 

"That  suits  me  to  a  tyt.  Waiter,  two  large  gin  fizzes, 
please.     Tell  the  man  they  are  for  adults." 

"You  know,  Lorena,  Lester  despises  to  see  a  woman 
drink;  but  never  mind,  I'm  going  to  drink  any  way.  and 
if  he  does  not  like  it  he  can  lump  it.  For  all  that.  I  am 
going  to  be  careful  what  I  drink.  As  long  as  I  live  I 
never  want  to  see  another  whisky  punch.  -Just  before  I 
left  home  to  come  here  and  marry  this  30-cent  husband 
of  mine  I  went  out  one  evening  with  Laura  Gilson.  and 
we  had  about  forty  of  those  nasty  punches.  And  sick ! 
Oh  my,  oh  me!  I  was  the  sickest  girl  you  ever  met. 
Well,  no  wonder  we  were  both  paralyzed."  Just  then 
there  was  a  knock  at  the  door. 

"Come."  Lorena  commanded.  It  was  the  waiter  with 
the  fizzes,  which  were  soon  hidden  away.  Then  followed 
a  long  talk  of  old  times.  Lorena  felt  a  thirst  coming  on 
and  the  waiter  was  called  again. 

"Two  more  fizzes,  pl'^ase." 


A    BUNDLE    OP   SUNSHINE.  337 

Then  there  was  some  more  talk  and  another  pair  of 
fizzes.  So  the  afternoon  was  spent  in  joy  and  laughter. 
Nettie  went  home  in  a  carriage.  When  she  met  her  hus- 
band she  swore  there  were  nine  of  them. 

Lester  almost  fainted.  He  stood  in  the  middle  of  the 
room  transfixed.  When  his  wife  returned  to  a  speaking 
condition  she  told  him  how  it  happened,  and  assured  him 
she  had  taken  but  one  drink,  that  was  all.  He  now  re- 
grets all  the  endearing  words  and  impassioned  caresses 
that  he  had  wasted  on  her.  He  had  worshiped  her  madly, 
but  now  it  was  all  off.  He  flew  into  a  paroxysm  of  rage 
and  told  her  to  go  out  and  throw  mud  at  herself,  as  he 
was  through  with  her  and  was  going  to  step  down  and 
out. 

He  very  soon  made  arrangements  to  send  her  back 
to  her  people,  as  his  love  for  her  had  soured,  and  he 
wanted  to  be  alone. 

Now  that  his  insect  powder  factory  was  in  ashes,  and 
his  wife  was  not  what  she  seemed,  he  w^as  further  up  the 
sapling  than  ever;  and  besides  he  was  a  confirmed  mis- 
ogamist. 

He  remembered  that  in  days  past  he  had  read  up  con- 
siderably on  phrenology  and  a  thought  struck  him  that 
he  might  go  on  the  road  and  do  well  examining  heads ;  as 
that  would  only  require  sufficient  capital  to  get  to  the  first 
town.  He  walked  thirty-four  miles  to  a  village  in  the 
country  and  advertised  himself  in  the  following  manner: 

"To-night !    To-night ! 

"Prof.  Lester  Hadley. 

"The  wonder  of  the  age. 

"The  most  marvelous  phrenologist  in  modern  times. 
He  will  examine  your  head  and  tell  you  what  you  are. 

"Come  early  and  get  good  seats. 

"Admission,  free." 


338  A    BUNDLE    OF  SUNSHINE. 

On  account  of  the  acimission  being  free,  he  had  a  full 
house.  He  expected  to  make  his  money  by  giving  charts. 
He  began  in  the  old  way  by  getting  a  committee  of  four 
or  five  to  walk  up  on  the  stage  and  blindfold  him;  then 
bring  up  some  one  from  the  audience  and  he  would  tell 
who  and  what  he  was.  An  old,  respectable  residenter 
was  persuaded  to  go  up  and  make  the  test. 

"Ladies  and  gentlemen,"  said  the  renowned  phrenolo- 
gist, "this  head  is  a  wonder.  It  has  more  combinations 
of  real  devilment  in  it  than  any  head  I  have  ever  exam- 
ined.    This  man  is  a  horse  thief  and  a  traitor." 

Just  then  the  residenter  got  up  from  his  seat  and  de- 
manded that  the  committee  take  the  blind  off  the  pro- 
fessor. For  a  few  minutes  there  was  a  rough  stage.  No 
tragedy  had  ever  been  played  there  to  equal  it.  When 
the  residenter  finished  his  work  the  professor  looked  as 
though  he  was  ready  to  be  embalmed.  He  was  taken  to 
his  hotel  on  a  stretcher.  It  was  some  weeks  before  he 
could  walk  without  crutches. 

When  he  was  able  to  recognize  his  own  face  in  a 
mirror  he  began  to  look  about  for  a  business  where  there 
was  not  so  much  risk. 

One  of  his  uncles  was  a  minister  of  the  gospel,  and 
was  considered  a  good  preacher.  Lester  thought  that  he 
might  do  worse  than  go  to  preaching.  He  had  put  m 
much  time  on  theology,  and  he  thought  perhaps  that  might 
be  his  calling.  He  had  in  one  way  and  another  been 
called  down  on  everything  else  he  ever  tried  and  he  was 
now  ready  to  try  some  other  business. 

He  said  to  me  one  morning : 

"Don't  you  know.  I  think  I  will  take  up  the  ministry. 
\\"hat  do  vou  think  about  it?" 


339 


340  A    BUNDLE    OF  SUNSHINE. 

"I  do  not  exactly  know,  Lester,  but  I  rather  think  you 
would  make  a  rattling  good  preacher ;  besides,  there  is  a 
great  field  for  that  work.  \\''hat  denomination  do  you 
lean  toward?" 

"I  am  an  old-fashioned  Methodist,  South." 
"Is  there  much  difference  in  the  ^Methodist,  South  and 
the  Methodist.  North?" 

"Xo,  not  much.  You  see  the  ]Methodists,  North  take 
in  members  on  six  months'  probation,  while  the  IMetho- 
dists,  South  take  them  in  right  on  the  jump." 

"You  will  find  one  great  drawback  preaching  that  doc- 
trine in  your  case." 

"Why  so?" 

"On  account  of  your  father  taking  you  out  of  school 
so  young  and  not  allow'ing  you  to  study  division.  The 
conference  will  perhaps  send  you  to  a  field  of  action 
where  the  members  are  not  used  to  fiiie  sermons.  Some- 
where in  a  backwoods  district,  where  you  will  be  known 
as  a  circuit  rider.  In  such  cases  you  will  find  stewards  of 
the  church  whose  business  it  is  to  go  around  the  country 
and  see  all  the  members  and  collect  supplies  for  the 
preacher.  When  I  say  supplies,  I  mean  farm  produce, 
butter,  eggs,  cheese,  bacon,  lard,  cordwood,  soap,  apple- 
butter,  molasses,  young  shoats,  chickens  and  such  like. 
Now,  this  all  comes  under  the  head  of  division.  You 
should  be  able  at  the  close  of  each  Sunday  sermon,  before 
the  hat  is  passed,  to  disertate  at  length  on  long  division, 
and  show  fully  the  efficacy  of  it.  In  other  words,  teach 
your  members  how  to  divide.  I  can  see,  however,  you 
are  bound  to  preach,  and  all  I  can  say  is,  I  wish  you  good 
luck." 

It  came  to  pass  that  he  did  preach.  But  he  changed  his 
religion  three  times.   He  started  in  as  a  Methodist.  South, 


A   BUNDLE    OF   SUNSHINE. 


341 


changed  to  a  Presbyterian  and  wound  up  as  a  Hard-Shell 
Baptist.  His  followers  became  dissatisfied  with  him,  got 
cold  feet  and  refused  to  support  him.  The  last  I  heard 
of  him  he  was  braking  on  a  freight  train  out  in  Montana. 


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